I can't cope with sudden change

LegacyUser

As it says in the title, in the last year I find it very hard to cope with sudden change of plans which I've already settled my mind on. This doesn't happen all the time, and the rest of the time I'm completely fine.

I've always been slightly what people would call OCD-ish. I would have to eat things a certain way, my bookshelf would always be organised a certain way and so on. If it didn't happen, I'd be slightly irked but it would go no further. Then last year I suffered an unexpected trauma, and since then I can't deal with unexpected change. Once I have something settled in my mind as how it's going to be, most of the time if that changes, it upsets me greatly (although not every time). It's seems quite random. Sometimes I can tell if something would upset me by imagining it. Other times, I can't tell at all until it happens. I'm finding that I'm analysing a lot of my life and trying very hard not to let any plan settle in my head. These upsets are usually very small and normal in nature, yet provoke a sometimes extreme reaction from me (reactions vary too).

To give a few examples: I was getting a lift from my grandfather who lives across the road. I had to be somewhere at a specific time so I knew I had to be dressed and ready by a certain time. My grandmother rang me half an hour before I had to leave to say she had made food and that I should come over straight away. At this stage, I was still in my pjs. I could feel the stress nearly flooding my body and I started shaking. All because I had to leave half an hour earlier than planned.

For my graduation this year, my mother and her boyfriend came down to it. I wasn't aware her boyfriend was coming. Although that caused me stress, it was manageable. Then I found out that they didn't take my mothers car, but they took her boyfriend's van and I was going to get a lift with them home the next day. This ended up causing me so much stress and worry that I ended up essentially ruining my graduation experience (although, outwardly I could still hide it).

I opened the cutlery drawer to find that not only was the cutlery not put in the right compartments, but it looked like (and it turns out they had) someone had dumped the box from the washing machine upside down into the drawer and pushed it down enough to close it. I ended up slamming the drawer closed, crying and shaking. It took ten minute to compose myself enough to write a note asking someone to sort it out as I couldn't bring myself to open the drawer again. I went without breakfast because I couldn't get a spoon.

A more extreme example was a time when my mother was picking me up from work. It was a Sunday night and her boyfriend usually goes home Sunday afternoon, so I wasn't expecting him there at all. I then find out we had a lamb chops for dinner (which I adore) so expecting to see my usual two lamb chops. I come home to find one tiny chop on the plate. Between that and finding the boyfriend there when I expected him to be gone home, I ended up sitting on the bathroom floor, sobbing and hyperventilating and basically having a mini anxiety attack. Over a lamb chop and an extended stay.

I can't keep going like this, it's really affecting my life. I've refused lifts in the poring rain many times because I had accepted the fact I was going to cycle, and I would rather get drenched than go through the stress of changing that plan. Sometimes when I'm given enough time to resettle, I'm fine. Other times, I just end up getting more panicked. I'm even getting stressed now thinking about some of the scenarios which I would have had to change. I'm worried that there might be a day that it affects my work. It could be something that happens a lot but this particular day it sets it off, such as someone doing something I had planned on doing. I can't imagine it would look too great with customers when a member of staff is lying on the floor, hyperventilating because another member of staff helped me out by doing something I was going to do.

As I said, the rest of the time, it's completely fine. I would ordinarily consider myself a happy person. I very rarely get stressed or angry otherwise. I even often get put in situations which other people don't want due to my high levels of patience. These attacks or upsets as such happen at random (but when it does happen, it happens with a sudden change to a plan already settled in my mind), with varying intensities. I can nearly feel the cortisol saturating me before I can do anything about it.

Has anyone else experienced this? I don't even know where to start looking or if it's even fixable. I usually don't show much outward sign of what is happening (unless I can't help it, which so far has been in private) and, bar my boyfriend who vaguely knows, nobody else does. I've gone to counselling before about various tramas over the course of the years, but I find it extremely difficult to talk (nigh on impossible) so they don't really help.

CaraMay

You need to go to your gp and talk about this. It seems to be encompassing your life and they will point you in the right direction

baby and crumble

OP, I've never experienced anything as extreme as your reactions but I do know what you're talking about. I struggle with plans changing, and I get really angry when people are late to meet me, or if suddenly what I thought was going to happen doesnt happen. It got worse with my depression a few years ago. It's really only calmed down recently, and I honestly attribute that to my getting involved with Buddhist thought and meditation, one of the key elements of which is acceptance that everything changes.

Now, obviously I'm not suggesting you become Buddhist, I'm just saying that by understanding that I've been able to change the way my brain reacts to certain changes. Not all of them, because I'm always going to be upset that someone is constantly late, or never replies to texts or changes plans last minute, (moreso because I think it's rude behaviour) but small changes that would have wrecked my head a few years ago don't phase me now. It also helped that I addressed my underlying depression and anxiety with medical and psychological help, by accessing counselling and talking to my GP. Because I think you know you need to make a change- this type of reaction to a messy drawer, for example, is not normal or sustainable. You're right, it very well could start to impact your job, and it's a short slope.

Go to your GP, and explain what's happening. Bring him her this thread and show them, if it's too tough to talk about it. But help is there, you don't need to keep going the way you have. Best of luck.

Ursus Horribilis

baby and crumble wrote:

Go to your GP, and explain what's happening. Bring him her this thread and show them, if it's too tough to talk about it..

I think this is really good advice. To be honest I don't think anyone here can help you with this. When you go to a therapist bring a printout of it too. It'd be a great start

Meadhbus

I agree. You should go see your GP. They'll refer you to whoever you need to be referred to, and you can start getting this sorted and getting your life back.

myshirt

What if the GP is no good?

I encouraged a chap to go to his gp in relation to depression. It took courage and strength over weeks, and then he done it. Wrote down what to say and gave his diary of examples of impact on his life. GP said go for a walk, all in your head.

Man is 6 foot under now.

'Go to your GP' is a lazy, lazy response. It is a problem transfer. It is a 'one action solves all'. It doesn't.

Op, have you people in your network to champion your case? Consider asking about Autism aswell.

baby and crumble

myshirt wrote: »

'Go to your GP' is a lazy, lazy response. It is a problem transfer. It is a 'one action solves all'. It doesn't.

No, of course it doesn't, however it should be the first port of call. It's a medical issue after all. Obviously if the GP doesn't respond the right way, that's not the patients fault, and they should then be encouraged to keep seeking help. No point saying "don't bother going to your GP" because the majority of GP's are well aware of the importance on mental health and spotting the signs. I've been to 4 different GP's (purely because of geography) about my mental health and all 4 took it very seriously indeed.

Ursus Horribilis

The reason why I advised her to go to her GP was so that she'd get referred on to an appropriate therapist.

myshirt

Odus fell down wrote: »

The reason why I advised her to go to her GP was so that she'd get referred on to an appropriate therapist.

Of course. And that is welcome. It is good sensible advice and in good faith. I feel for the op here, it reads as quite a distressing situation, so I just want to strengthen that advice the way it needs to be strengthened and add that if the op can get a family member or close friend onside then do this. It is critical with what you are up against. Have them champion your case op. You need support.

Some gp's are great. Others are crap. Most however work in a frustrating system where they can't implement the care pathways they need to implement to treat patients. Cuts as they say, unfortunately. The op needs support and practical advice. Simply 'going to the gp', especially unprepared and unaware of the reality of access to mental health care, may not cut the mustard. We are spending more on the 1916 commemoration than mental health in certain parts of this country be aware.

Best wishes to the op.

Diamond Doll

I identify with some of the above. I wasn't always that way, but after developing anxiety in the last couple of years, this has become part of it. I've become a lot less spontaneous than I used to be, I hate last minutes changes to plan, and I really hate when guests turn up early or - even worse - unexpectedly.

My GP has referred me for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), I'm still waiting on an appointment on the public system, but it's something you could look into doing privately. Or there are plenty of books about it. I can't really recommend it yet as I haven't started, but I've heard great things about it!