Divorced parents at ceremony

trixychic

Ok so we have decided to get married. No big flash and party... a civil ceremony with our 2 boys, parents, grandparents, brothers and sisters. No big dress or fuss. We just want to be married and said maybe down the line on our 10th/20th anniversary we can do the whole party thing of we still wish.

We are really happy with our decision and have our date in mind. The problems our parents....

Both his and mine are divorced. His dad is with a new woman for sometime now and she fits great with the family... his mum hates it. She doesn't have a guy. So while they will both sit in the same room together, it will be at opposite ends and she will be giving the "if looks could kill" look all the day... but at least they'll sit in the same room.

My parents!!! My god!!! I have my mum, adoptive dad (called dad) and my bio father (called by first name). Dad adopted me when I was 3 and bio father married my step mum and we've always in touch. Mum and dad divorced 10yrs ago. They seem to hate each others guts and my step mum won't go near my mum or dad's side.

I would love for all of them to be there. I don't need them to talk to each other, I don't care if they hate each other. But they are all my parents. I want them to be there on the day. Dad has said he doesn't want to be there cause of mum. Mum is assuming she comes before him. And my bio father will come but he won't bring my 2 half sisters or my step mum... all of whom are major parts of my life.

I don't know how to go through the day without stressing. All I want is a day with my other half, our 2 sons and the family where we can celebrate our families coming together in a happy relaxed way... Am I asking too much???

unjedilike

Is there some sort of diagram you could draw to make understanding this easier?

jlm29

I think the most you can do is invite them all. Let them all know you're inviting everyone, and let them to decide to be mature, and put you first, or sit at home and sulk like children. If it's a small wedding, you don't really have the same "dilution" of personalities as you would if there were 200 people, but they are all adults, and you can't make them like each other.

simdan

You poor bastard.. Organising your special day around people to make them happy is just not fair..

Families, who needs them when they cause so much stress..

They should all put on an act and be happy on the day for you two.. Good luck bud

fannymagee

trixychic wrote: »

Ok so we have decided to get married. No big flash and party... a civil ceremony with our 2 boys, parents, grandparents, brothers and sisters. No big dress or fuss. We just want to be married and said maybe down the line on our 10th/20th anniversary we can do the whole party thing of we still wish.

We are really happy with our decision and have our date in mind. The problems our parents....

Both his and mine are divorced. His dad is with a new woman for sometime now and she fits great with the family... his mum hates it. She doesn't have a guy. So while they will both sit in the same room together, it will be at opposite ends and she will be giving the "if looks could kill" look all the day... but at least they'll sit in the same room.

My parents!!! My god!!! I have my mum, adoptive dad (called dad) and my bio father (called by first name). Dad adopted me when I was 3 and bio father married my step mum and we've always in touch. Mum and dad divorced 10yrs ago. They seem to hate each others guts and my step mum won't go near my mum or dad's side.

I would love for all of them to be there. I don't need them to talk to each other, I don't care if they hate each other. But they are all my parents. I want them to be there on the day. Dad has said he doesn't want to be there cause of mum. Mum is assuming she comes before him. And my bio father will come but he won't bring my 2 half sisters or my step mum... all of whom are major parts of my life.

I don't know how to go through the day without stressing. All I want is a day with my other half, our 2 sons and the family where we can celebrate our families coming together in a happy relaxed way... Am I asking too much???

Would it help if you assure them there'll be no 'top table', and that they can each sit at their own table, with people they're comfortable with, and you could have your bridal party and friends with you on your table?

When you say 'civil ceremony' do you mean in a registry office, or a bespoke ceremony in a hotel? There are upsides to both- registry office means you could just bring witnesses & habe family together just for the dinner, and a bespoke ceremony means you could create a ceremony to include your family, however it might work.

Are you sure you really want to have them all there though, if it's going to cause you huge anxiety on what should be your day?

The Sidewards Man

When a few gallons of beer and the wans have a shot of vino taken on board hings could get messy.

trixychic

The Sidewards Man wrote: »

When a few gallons of beer and the wans have a shot of vino taken on board hings could get messy.

A more real.possibility then you realise!!! 😧

trixychic

fannymagee wrote: »

When you say 'civil ceremony' do you mean in a registry office, or a bespoke ceremony in a hotel? There are upsides to both- registry office means you could just bring witnesses & habe family together just for the dinner, and a bespoke ceremony means you could create a ceremony to include your family, however it might work.

Are you sure you really want to have them all there though, if it's going to cause you huge anxiety on what should be your day?

I mean civil ceremony as in registry office and a cake back at ours with maybe a few sandwiches. All homemade. It's the marriage we want.

The only people I really really can't get married without are my other half, our sons... and my grandparents. They are my only grandmother and grandfather and have been there for me and my family through everything!!!! The divorced, the fights, the... really dark days when we were evicted when I as a child. They mean so much to me and they are the only others I need there.... other wise I would be eloping!!!!!

fannymagee

trixychic wrote: »

I mean civil ceremony as in registry office and a cake back at ours with maybe a few sandwiches. All homemade. It's the marriage we want.

The only people I really really can't get married without are my other half, our sons... and my grandparents. They are my only grandmother and grandfather and have been there for me and my family through everything!!!! The divorced, the fights, the... really dark days when we were evicted when I as a child. They mean so much to me and they are the only others I need there.... other wise I would be eloping!!!!!

Sounds like you know what you want so- go ahead and organise that, and see how it all pans out. It'll sort the wheat from the chaff, and hopefully you'll be pleasantly surprised. Maybe consider moving to a local pub in the evening, help keep any kerfuffles out of your house!! ;-)

emo72

jaysus trixy thats a rough one. look if you are the type of person that can get stressed out, then you will definitely get stressed out in that wedding scenario. i dont think anyone could get through that unless you were prescribed xanax or valium.

weddings are massively stressful, i was majorly stressed at mine, and i had nothing to worry about!

i would advise feckin off to some sunny climes and just doing it there. seriously consider eloping?

trixychic

emo72 wrote: »

jaysus trixy thats a rough one. look if you are the type of person that can get stressed out, then you will definitely get stressed out in that wedding scenario.

Ha ha ha I was diagnosed with generalised anxiety disorder a year ago and have hereditary depression. Stress, worries and anxiety are my life. ;-)

miezekatze

Seat them at different tables, or if you have a top table then mix them up so they sit at opposite sides. My brother's wife's parents are divorced and there's a lot of tension whenever they're in the same room, it wasn't too bad at their wedding though, they were seated away from each other and didn't have to look at or talk to each other all day.

trixychic

miezekatze wrote: »

Seat them at different tables, or if you have a top table then mix them up. My brother's wife's parents are divorced and there's a lot of tension whenever they're in the same room, it wasn't too bad at their wedding though, they were seated away from each other and didn't have to look at or talk to each other all day.

Not having tables... it's a reg office then back to the house for sandwiches and cake.

zeffabelli

I would elope or not invite them.

I had divorced parents, hated it when they would come to things.

If it's a small wedding the tensions will be compressed. You'll have half your guests hating each other.

jester77

I've been to friends weddings with similar situations. Some even all sat at the same round table with their new partners as the bride and groom and there were no issues. They were there for their children. Just remind them that this is your day and that they are there for you guys. They are mature enough to put their issues aside for 1 day.

looksee

Invite them all, say that you have invited them all, and if they feel they cannot attend then that is fine, and you will see them at some stage after the wedding. Then get on with your wedding, don't enter into discussions or arguments, don't enable them and their self-centred behaviour. Have a lovely day.

solerina

I would invite them all, tell them it's your special day and that for one day only you expect them to behave and suck it up for your sake. Surely they respect you enough to do that for one day.

hawkwind23

I hope you dont mind my advice or take it the wrong way.

My background is a whole family uber-mess very similar , wait to you get to the death and funeral stage with an idiot family

Anyways!

My advice is to talk to each of them individually and tell them all how their childish behaviour has made you feel , this is your big day and explain you are saying the same to everyone and by inviting them all you are asking for your feelings to be respected and any past grievance to be put aside so you can be put first as is right and proper on the day.
Explain you want nothing more than everyone to be there and be civil for to make your day special.

If they start with all the crap , simply explain that your starting a new marriage and a new life and basically tell them to F off.

Know it sounds corny but from experience you can cut people like that out of your life , family or not and feel the better for it.


On a brighter note i used an occasion like this to heal an old family wound , basically shamed them into coming to an event.
Of course uncomfortable and not a word spoken for most of it , but at the end of the night , they both introduced themselves and had a quick chat , i was well finished with the lot of them but it really meant a lot for my younger siblings to see them civil to one another.

What im saying is that they are thinking of themselves all the time , if they cant think of you for this one day , they arent worth having in your life.

Hope it works out and im sure it will if you stand up strong and confront it

GL

dori_dormer

I agree with the last poster, have a chat with each 'group' and tell them you love them , really want them to be there on your special day, and are sad to think that they would decide not to share the day with you over something so petty and selfish.

My parents are divorced, it's not as terribly complicated as your family, but my mums selfish, jealous self centred ways really put a dampener on the whole thing and I still resent her for it. I wish I had had the courage at the time to call her out on it.

Personally I think a small meal at a restaurant would be easier for everyone than them having to mingle over sandwiches in your home. They could each sit at separate tables and it would be much less awkward. They are all probably panicking having to make small talk to people they hate while queueing for your loo or something!

zeffabelli

Honestly it's not fair to call them petty, selfish and self centred.

Divorce is incredibly painful, rarely rnds friendly, etc and to expect people to show up to weddings and make nice yo others who have betrayed them, hurt them, abandoned them... The same person they once made that vow to, the same one you're about to make, with the same promise, the same love, and the same dreams...

It's entirely understandable in my opinion.

dori_dormer

Honestly they should have all moved on by now. This all happened a long time ago, and they are all in new happy relationships. They should be mature enough as adults to go to a wedding of their beloved child

hawkwind23

zeffabelli wrote: »

Honestly it's not fair to call them petty, selfish and self centred.

Divorce is incredibly painful, rarely rnds friendly, etc and to expect people to show up to weddings and make nice yo others who have betrayed them, hurt them, abandoned them... The same person they once made that vow to, the same one you're about to make, with the same promise, the same love, and the same dreams...

It's entirely understandable in my opinion.

Thats your opinion and maybe you understand it better than others.

However,
A child from a divorced family has the same dreams and wishes of the perfect day as any other child and IMO its self centred , petty and ignorant to let old rivalries and hurts tarnish an innocent childs wedding day.

The OP seems happy and mature over the past and i strongly believe that other members of the family should take the opportunity to prove their worth to the OP by masking past hurts and wrongs to ensure they get their wishes on the wedding day.

If they cant then i would advice the OP to reconsider their place in his/her new life.

Not much to ask to fecking be there and act with maturity and dignity at a damn wedding.

hardCopy

zeffabelli wrote: »

Honestly it's not fair to call them petty, selfish and self centred.

Divorce is incredibly painful, rarely rnds friendly, etc and to expect people to show up to weddings and make nice yo others who have betrayed them, hurt them, abandoned them... The same person they once made that vow to, the same one you're about to make, with the same promise, the same love, and the same dreams...

It's entirely understandable in my opinion.

I disagree. Your kids come first. No matter how much the parents hate each other they should just suck it up for a few hours.

zeffabelli

hardCopy wrote: »

I disagree. Your kids come first. No matter how much the parents hate each other they should just suck it up for a few hours.

They are not kids anymore. They are adults. I think people need to be a little more understanding of where their parents might be coming from, now that they are adults.

zeffabelli

hawkwind23 wrote: »

Thats your opinion and maybe you understand it better than others.

However,
A child from a divorced family has the same dreams and wishes of the perfect day as any other child and IMO its self centred , petty and ignorant to let old rivalries and hurts tarnish an innocent childs wedding day.

The OP seems happy and mature over the past and i strongly believe that other members of the family should take the opportunity to prove their worth to the OP by masking past hurts and wrongs to ensure they get their wishes on the wedding day.

If they cant then i would advice the OP to reconsider their place in his/her new life.

Not much to ask to fecking be there and act with maturity and dignity at a damn wedding.

Prove their worth? LOL....

hardCopy

zeffabelli wrote: »

They are not kids anymore. They are adults. I think people need to be a little more understanding of where their parents might be coming from, now that they are adults.

The parents are also adults and should be capable of holding their tongues for a few hours. They are not being asked to reconcile, just quietly tolerate each others presence for a day, and maybe smile for the cameras.

Sure it might be difficult but hardly impossible.

hawkwind23

zeffabelli wrote: »

Prove their worth? LOL....

Yes , prove they are worthy of the love of their son/daughter.
They arent much "worth" or support if they cant put years old hurt aside to put the OP first for a few hours and make one day special.

bitterness is a terrible affliction

witchgirl26

OP if it was me, I'd tell them all who you've invited and they type of afters that you're having. Say to them that you would like them all there but that you don't want anything said or comments made that would cause upset on the day. Say that they don't have to talk to each other at all if they don't want to but if they can't keep a civil tongue in their head then they should organise something with you after the wedding day itself on their own.

stickybookmark

trixychic wrote: »

Ok so we have decided to get married. No big flash and party... a civil ceremony with our 2 boys, parents, grandparents, brothers and sisters. No big dress or fuss. We just want to be married and said maybe down the line on our 10th/20th anniversary we can do the whole party thing of we still wish.

We are really happy with our decision and have our date in mind. The problems our parents....

Both his and mine are divorced. His dad is with a new woman for sometime now and she fits great with the family... his mum hates it. She doesn't have a guy. So while they will both sit in the same room together, it will be at opposite ends and she will be giving the "if looks could kill" look all the day... but at least they'll sit in the same room.

My parents!!! My god!!! I have my mum, adoptive dad (called dad) and my bio father (called by first name). Dad adopted me when I was 3 and bio father married my step mum and we've always in touch. Mum and dad divorced 10yrs ago. They seem to hate each others guts and my step mum won't go near my mum or dad's side.

I would love for all of them to be there. I don't need them to talk to each other, I don't care if they hate each other. But they are all my parents. I want them to be there on the day. Dad has said he doesn't want to be there cause of mum. Mum is assuming she comes before him. And my bio father will come but he won't bring my 2 half sisters or my step mum... all of whom are major parts of my life.

I don't know how to go through the day without stressing. All I want is a day with my other half, our 2 sons and the family where we can celebrate our families coming together in a happy relaxed way... Am I asking too much???

Elope

Mrs OBumble

zeffabelli wrote: »

Honestly it's not fair to call them petty, selfish and self centred.

Divorce is incredibly painful, rarely rnds friendly, etc and to expect people to show up to weddings and make nice yo others who have betrayed them, hurt them, abandoned them... The same person they once made that vow to, the same one you're about to make, with the same promise, the same love, and the same dreams...

It's entirely understandable in my opinion.

They don't have to make nice. They just have to behave like civilized adults, and no be rude.

OP, they are all adults, you should expect them to behave like adults.

Invite them all, tell them that they are expected to behave like grown-ups, and that if they don't they will be removed from the premises. If necessary, hire a security guard to do just that.


Either that, or invite none of them.

trixychic

I have to clear up. I only really want them there at the ceremony. The afters they can pick and choose. Its the bonding of the ceremony that means the most to us.

My parents have been divorced for 15yrs now. His parents have been divorced about 6yrs???

I am beginning to see what most of you are a saying. Regardles of our age we are their son and daughter.

Rule 1 of parenthood (IMHO)... The children always come first. I just not looking forward to those conversations. Ha

dori_dormer

They should be well able to manage a thirty minute ceremony in the same room together. Sure they don't have to talk or even look at each other for that!

Those kind of chats are never easy. It's very hard to tell your parents to act more mature , and that they are acting like children!

I would hope they take it on board graciously!

westernlass

The fact it's such a short space of time makes it much more manageable. I think it's perfectly reasonable to invite them all with a note saying that you are welcome but only if you are preferred to be civil and nice. It might be easier than a chat with all of them if you suffer from anxiety.

Jbubs

Tell them all that they are invited, that you want them to be part of your special day.
If any of them cause a fuss or start throwing a strop then feck them.
If you're going to spend the lead up to the wedding worried about everyone and if there is going to be trouble then just do it with your grand parents and sons.

My family situation was mad, parents still lived together but lead separate lives, hadn't spoken in years and had new partners.
My dad then got cancer and it was only then that my parents started speaking again. When my dad died a few weeks later it was my mam that broke the news to my dad's partner. We organised the funeral together and we all sat in the front row together.
Not sure what my point is ha. Maybe that we all came together in the end for my dad.
Now 3 years later and I'm planning my wedding and dads partner will certainly be invited.

zeffabelli

trixychic wrote: »

I have to clear up. I only really want them there at the ceremony. The afters they can pick and choose. Its the bonding of the ceremony that means the most to us.

My parents have been divorced for 15yrs now. His parents have been divorced about 6yrs???

I am beginning to see what most of you are a saying. Regardles of our age we are their son and daughter.

Rule 1 of parenthood (IMHO)... The children always come first. I just not looking forward to those conversations. Ha

The children do not always come first in a family actually, different members have different competing needs at different times and sometimes one is a priotyt over another.

Plus you are not a child. You are an adult starting your own family.

Honestly I think given the level of complication in your particular family, yes it is asking too much for them all to be there. Invite who you want, but accept who declines.

And then just enjoy your wedding. It works out this way sometimes.

trixychic

zeffabelli wrote: »

The children do not always come first in a family actually, different members have different competing needs at different times and sometimes one is a priotyt over another.

Plus you are not a child. You are an adult starting your own family.

Honestly I think given the level of complication in your particular family, yes it is asking too much for them all to be there. Invite who you want, but accept who declines.

And then just enjoy your wedding. It works out this way sometimes.

Your insight has probably given me the most to think about. And I believe you are wrong. I have bent over backwards for my 2 parents for yrs. I have acted as the go between, looked after my siblings while their fights lasted long into the night and the kids were crying upstairs, and when dad did finally leave I played the dad role during the week for mum and the mum role and the wkds for him. I was asked to grow up way to quick by both of them and so you know what??? I think that for all I have done, for all the late nights listening to them bitch and moan to me about how awful the process was on them I think I deserve the day I want. Thank you. Your lack of insight into a divorced child's life has been very helpful.

Oh and my children have always and will always come first.... as did my siblings when I was growing up as I saw them almost as my own with the work I put in. My siblings now come third only to my fiance and children. I would never have it any other way!!! Their needs (not wants but needs) will always come before my own. I think it's acceptable to ask my parents to sit in the same room together for half an hour.


Can't believe that after all the stress I finally know how I feel about it. Ha. Wow.

trixychic

Now I have to figure out what to say..... and a whole new box of worried opens. Thank you all for your input and helping me to see that this is something that I do deserve.... Decision made. I will be speaking to them all and letting them know my expectations. Thanks again all.

AngryHippie

I had to deal with a similar situation, but only with my OH's parents, Mine are still together thank fcuk.

My advice would be fly you and your witnesses to Vegas, Get married in the little white chapel by Korean Elvis then go and have a great holiday.

Life is too short to ruin what should be one of the highlights by worrying about what is going to happen when a you put four people that despise four other people in a room together.

Best case, they might suck it up and politely ignore and avoid each other for the day. Worst case, they'll be dicks about it and ruin the whole day.

Most likely is somewhere in between, either way, you'll be on a knife edge on an occasion that is stressful enough as it is.

Enjoy Vegas !

zeffabelli

trixychic wrote: »

Your insight has probably given me the most to think about. And I believe you are wrong. I have bent over backwards for my 2 parents for yrs. I have acted as the go between, looked after my siblings while their fights lasted long into the night and the kids were crying upstairs, and when dad did finally leave I played the dad role during the week for mum and the mum role and the wkds for him. I was asked to grow up way to quick by both of them and so you know what??? I think that for all I have done, for all the late nights listening to them bitch and moan to me about how awful the process was on them I think I deserve the day I want. Thank you. Your lack of insight into a divorced child's life has been very helpful.

Oh and my children have always and will always come first.... as did my siblings when I was growing up as I saw them almost as my own with the work I put in. My siblings now come third only to my fiance and children. I would never have it any other way!!! Their needs (not wants but needs) will always come before my own. I think it's acceptable to ask my parents to sit in the same room together for half an hour.


Can't believe that after all the stress I finally know how I feel about it. Ha. Wow.

I am the child of divorced parents and I know exactly what you are talking about. So my insight is first hand.

I just think you need to drop your sense of entitlement.

Life is not ideal and neither are people.

marienbad

zeffabelli wrote: »

I am the child of divorced parents and I know exactly what you are talking about. So my insight is first hand.

I just think you need to drop your sense of entitlement.

Life is not ideal and neither are people.

asking adults to behave in an adult fashion for one day is 'a sense of entitlement ' !

Some insight , not .

hawkwind23

Yeah it can be a major mess when families break down.
Its good your taking a stand and thinking about priorities , it sounds to me like you took the brunt of it too when things broke down.

Forums are good for general advice at times but sometimes you have situations that need delicate handling and this maybe one of them.

The fact your confronting your feelings is a great sign and i would suggest some counselling , clear the emotions and that.

I fear you confronting the parents today wont go as you plan , you cant expect dysfunctional people to act with foresight , maturity and respect , i spent longer than i care to remember making that same mistake

Have a go at counselling , usually free for an initial session , they have seen all this a million times before and can give much better insight and advice on a vital issue than us on an internet forum.

Best of luck with everything

zeffabelli

marienbad wrote: »

asking adults to behave in an adult fashion for one day is 'a sense of entitlement ' !

Some insight , not .

Not if its asking. If its demanding and then getting into a tizzy over it and then pouting and sulking over how hard done by you are, yes is a sense of entitlement.

marienbad

zeffabelli wrote: »

Not if its asking. If its demanding and then getting into a tizzy over it and then pouting and sulking over how hard done by you are, yes is a sense of entitlement.

amazing what people can interpret from an anonymous forum , seems more like your own projection really

Toots

Folks keep replies on topic and helpful to the OP.