Heard my friend cheat?

AlabamaWorley

Was at a house party last weekend, the next morning I heard (sighs,moans,bed creaking) from my friend (male) and another friend upstairs in another room.

I am friend with this guy and I am also friends with his long term gf/mother of his child.


What do I do? I am almost certain of what I heard but not 100%

uberwolf

AlabamaWorley wrote: »

but not 100%

do nothing. Which would probably be my advice even if you were 100%.

AlabamaWorley

uberwolf wrote: »

do nothing. Which would probably be my advice even if you were 100%.

Yeah, I'm leaning towards this, feeling a bit weird about it!

Rachiee

Was there anyone else in the house that it could of been. Our could it have been extremely loud next door neighbours unless you are 100% sure I'd give him the benefit of the doubt, assume it didn't happen and resume ordinary friendship duties. It's not worth getting tired up in particularly if your not sure.

zl1whqvjs75cdy

Could ask him if you're good mates?

BreadnBuddha

It's none of your business.

That's the long and the short of it.

Lux23

Just forget about it, you have no idea what you heard.

AlabamaWorley

It was 100% these two friends of mine, as they were 'sleeping' in that bed together before this incident.

I went downstairs, he came down and asked me did I not have work, so I said I could hear them, he denied it then went back upstairs to her.

I understand it's none of my business but I am really good friends with his GF and she was blowing up my phone looking for him, I just feel sleazy knowing this information and will eventually have to act normal in front of her,

AlabamaWorley

Lux23 wrote: »

Just forget about it, you have no idea what you heard.

True, but I'm sure you would automatically know what you were hearing. whether it was full on or something else.

jimd2

First of all it seems like an open and shut case that he WAS cheating.

Ask yourself OP, what would YOU want to happen if it was your partner that was cheating. I suspect that 100% you would want to know.

I laugh at these people saying none of your business, of course it is your business because this friend made it your business by having poorly disguised sex within earshot of yourself.

So, if it was me I would do the honourable thing and inform your girlfriend, if she chooses to believe the cheater then that is her lookout. At least, if there is a repeat down the line with her and possibly kids effected you wont regret not informing her when you could.

retro:electro

Usual comments on here when it comes to cheating, don't tell, none of your business etc etc.. Well he made it your business when he rode her within ear shot if you, so ya I'd 100% tell her. She has children with him and deserves to know.

Eric Cartman

anna080 wrote: »

Usual comments on here when it comes to cheating, don't tell, none of your business etc etc.. Well he made it your business when he rode her within ear shot if you, so ya I'd 100% tell her. She has children with him and deserves to know.

and what happens when yer man goes home, she goes mental and he tells her the OP is imagining things, might take a bit but in a lot of these cases the cheater talks their way back and the OP is suddenly the bad guy.

BreadnBuddha

anna080 wrote: »

Usual comments on here when it comes to cheating, don't tell, none of your business etc etc.. Well he made it your business when he rode her within ear shot if you, so ya I'd 100% tell her. She has children with him and deserves to know.

That's just as much 'usual comments on here when it comes to cheating'.

I love the way the OP knew his pal was 'sleeping' in the same bed as yer wan earlier on but didn't do anything to intervene then.

Some friend.

OP, keep your nose out. You should have done something to interfere beforehand and didn't, so you sure as hell have no right taking the moral high ground now.

Mind your own business and stay out of theirs. If two people can't behave properly in their relationship and one goes off and cheats, that's up to them to handle whatever way they may.

You have no role to play here. He didn't make it your business just because you happened to be there this time. Don't be conflicted. They're adults, not children. They make their own decisions and that's that.

retro:electro

Eric Cartman wrote: »

and what happens when yer man goes home, she goes mental and he tells her the OP is imagining things, might take a bit but in a lot of these cases the cheater talks their way back and the OP is suddenly the bad guy.

Well that has to be a risk he's willing to take. I know for me I would want to do the right thing, and anyone with a moral compass would too.

retro:electro

BreadnBuddha wrote: »

That's just as much 'usual comments on here when it comes to cheating'.

I love the way the OP knew his pal was 'sleeping' in the same bed as yer wan earlier on but didn't do anything to intervene then.

Some friend.

OP, keep your nose out. You should have done something to interfere beforehand and didn't, so you sure as hell have no right taking the moral high ground now.

Mind your own business and stay out of theirs. If two people can't behave properly in their relationship and one goes off and cheats, that's up to them to handle whatever way they may.

You have no role to play here. He didn't make it your business just because you happened to be there this time. Don't be conflicted. They're adults, not children. They make their own decisions and that's that.

So going by your logic it was his job and his business to separate them when they were in bed together but it's beyond his job and none of his business to inform the mother of the cheater's children of her husbands activities and must "keep his nose out".. Okay..

BreadnBuddha

anna080 wrote: »

Well that has to be a risk he's willing to take. I know for me I would want to do the right thing, and anyone with a moral compass would too.

Ah, the old moral compass chestnut.

Anyone with a moral compass would decide if a guy who cheats on his girlfriend, the mother of his child, is the kind of guy you'd want to be friends with.

But it still doesn't make the cheating itself something the OP need have any involvement in disclosing.

I understand it's an uncomfortable situation but the best way to approach it is in terms of how it should affect the OP's friendship with the cheater, not with the absent third party. That bit is simply none of his business.

And while the judgement stick is being waved, the OP should be thinking about whether or not he could have stepped in to prevent the cheater from acting.

Because he could have if he wanted to, but didn't. He knows it too and that's part of why he's feeling crappy about it now.

retro:electro

BreadnBuddha wrote: »

Ah, the old moral compass chestnut.

Anyone with a moral compass would decide if a guy who cheats on his girlfriend, the mother of his child, is the kind of guy you'd want to be friends with.

But it still doesn't make the cheating itself something the OP need have any involvement in disclosing.

I understand it's an uncomfortable situation but the best way to approach it is in terms of how it should affect the OP's friendship with the cheater, not with the absent third party. That bit is simply none of his business.

And while the judgement stick is being waved, the OP should be thinking about whether or not he could have stepped in to prevent the cheater from acting.

Because he could have if he wanted to, but didn't. He knows it too and that's part of why he's feeling crappy about it now.

But sure a minute ago you were saying telling her is none of his business, now he should have jumped in, banged the door down and prevented the whole thing!
And if he's not someone worthy of friendship then what's to lose in telling the girlfriend? You're full of contradictions to be honest.

BreadnBuddha

anna080 wrote: »

So going by your logic it was his job and his business to separate them when they were in bed together but it's beyond his job and none of his business to inform the mother of the cheater's children of her husbands activities and must "keep his nose out".. Okay..

Let me spell it out; If two friends go to a house party and one's lining himself up to cheat on his girlfriend, with whom the other has a friendship also, the time to do something is before it's too late.

The OP didn't say anything, didn't steer his pal away from doing something he thought was simply wrong, instead ignored it and now thinks he had a right to follow up with a chat with the GF.

He gave up the chance to do the right thing when he ignored it. So he should keep ignoring it now. Too little, too late. He wants to cry over spilt milk and the bleeding heart club here just want to give him a shoulder to cry on now that he feels bad about it.

He had his chance. If he tried to stop his pal doing a stupid and lousy thing and his pal ignored him, fine. But that's not what he said happened.

retro:electro

BreadnBuddha wrote: »

Let me spell it out; If two friends go to a house party and one's lining himself up to cheat on his girlfriend, with whom the other has a friendship also, the time to do something is before it's too late.

The OP didn't say anything, didn't steer his pal away from doing something he thought was simply wrong, instead ignored it and now thinks he had a right to follow up with a chat with the GF.

He gave up the chance to do the right thing when he ignored it. So he should keep ignoring it now. Too little, too late. He wants to cry over spilt milk and the bleeding heart club here just want to give him a shoulder to cry on now that he feels bad about it.

He had his chance. If he tried to stop his pal doing a stupid and lousy thing and his pal ignored him, fine. But that's not what he said happened.

To quote yourself "they're adults, not children, they make their own decisions and that's that". Anyway they could have went to bed after the op? Who's to say he was lining her up to cheat? I got nothing from the op that insinuated that, can you show me where it says that? You're making a lot of assumptions based on nothing.

Ave Sodalis

OP are you certain he was cheating? I would make sure I was 100% certain before I would tell anyone, and have proof. Unless you can be sure and can prove it, I don't think there is any point telling.

BreadnBuddha

anna080 wrote: »

But sure a minute ago you were saying telling her is none of his business, now he should have jumped in and prevented the whole thing!
And if he's not someone worthy of friendship then what's to lose in telling the girlfriend? You're full of contradictions to be honest.

You're full of misplaced umbrage and indignation Anna.

Put the shoe on the other foot. Would you ignore a situation like he was in, which you bloody well knew was developing, not find some reason to interrupt (easily done) and still think you had a right to go telling tales afterwards?

The cheater is a lowlife. The friend who idly stands by and says or does nothing to intervene before the fact, when ALL the signs are there is no great example of moral supremacy either.

Yeah, I know. Two wrongs don't make a right. One right now doesn't make up for the OP's wrong last weekend either.

retro:electro

BreadnBuddha wrote: »

You're full of misplaced umbrage and indignation Anna.

Put the shoe on the other foot. Would you ignore a situation like he was in, which you bloody well knew was developing, not find some reason to interrupt (easily done) and still think you had a right to go telling tales afterwards?

The cheater is a lowlife. The friend who idly stands by and says or does nothing to intervene before the fact, when ALL the signs are there is no great example of moral supremacy either.

Yeah, I know. Two wrongs don't make a right. One right now doesn't make up for the OP's wrong last weekend either.

Please tell me where the op says he knew this was going to happen before it happened? I would love to know.

BreadnBuddha

AlabamaWorley wrote: »

It was 100% these two friends of mine, as they were 'sleeping' in that bed together before this incident.

There you go, Anna.

Nobody needs a degree in rocket science to understand that at a house party with drink involved, nothing good was going to result from ignoring that.

If it was one of your friends 'sleeping' in a bed, before the incident, would you ignore it or would you find a way to separate them or warn of the consequences if they proceeded and expected your silence?

I know you'd act. I'd like to think I would too.

The OP didn't.

retro:electro

BreadnBuddha wrote: »

There you go, Anna.

Nobody needs a degree in rocket science to understand that at a house party with drink involved, nothing good was going to result from ignoring that.

If it was one of your friends 'sleeping' in a bed, before the incident, would you ignore it or would you find a way to separate them or warn of the consequences if they proceeded and expected your silence?

I know you'd act. I'd like to think I would too.

The OP didn't.

Ya..okay.. Well dont stop making assumptions and contradicting yourself. You're doing great.

Ursus Horribilis

So would she be expected to knock on the bedroom door and ask him if he was in the saddle, so to speak?

BreadnBuddha

anna080 wrote: »

Ya..okay.. Well dont stop making assumptions and contradicting yourself. You're doing great.

Really? Or am I just pointing out that the situation isn't as black and white as you'd like it to be? I'm basing my replies on something absolutely relevant, stated by the OP. If you read my replies instead of just going for the jugular when anyone seems to want to defend a cheater you'll find no contradictions.

So, would you have acted, or ignored it and thought it was okay to decide you had a right to involve yourself later, but not a duty to your friends to act in time? It's a simple question.

retro:electro

BreadnBuddha wrote: »

Really? Or am I just pointing out that the situation isn't as black and white as you'd like it to be? I'm basing my replies on something absolutely relevant, stated by the OP. If you read my replies instead of just going for the jugular when anyone seems to want to defend a cheater you'll find no contradictions.

So, would you have acted, or ignored it and thought it was okay to decide you had a right to involve yourself later, but not a duty to your friends to act in time? It's a simple question.

Why are you quizzing me? This isn't my problem, it's the op's. And when he said they were "sleeping together before the incident" I took this as they were sleeping in the same bed, perhaps as friends, before he heard the noises. Who knows what the situation was before that? We don't know the ins and outs. It's not my job to fill in the blanks, but you've made it yours.

BreadnBuddha

Odus fell down wrote: »

So would she be expected to knock on the bedroom door and ask him if he was in the saddle, so to speak?

What would you do?

I'd rather embarass myself and them than do nothing.

And if I did nothing, that's as simple as deciding it's none of my business.

It's one or the other. You either believe you have a right to involve yourself or you don't.

Tut tutting and telling tales about something you pretty much allowed to happen through inaction is shameful in itself.

Ursus Horribilis

I don't want to put words into anna080's mouth because she's well able to defend herself. My point is that when something like this is happening, people can be caught like a rabbit in the headlights. People don't always do what they wish they'd done. There's a reason why the saying "Hindsight is 20:20" exists.

OP, I don't know what to say to you really. It's an awkward one. If I was this guy's partner I'd want to know. Not all people are like that though. I saw a thread here recently where someone saw her friend's boyfriend on Tinder and spotted him having a meal with a woman that wasn't his girlfriend. She said it to the girlfriend, he filled her with bullsh"t and they're still together. You could lose your friendship over this. Are you prepared to do do that?

BreadnBuddha

anna080 wrote: »

Why are you quizzing me? This isn't my problem, it's the op's. And when he said they were "sleeping together before the incident" I took this as they were sleeping in the same bed, perhaps as friends, before he heard the noises. Who knows what the situation was before that? We don't know the ins and outs. It's not my job to fill in the blanks, but you've made it yours.

I've asked you a reasonable question. You're dodging it because you know that answering it with a straight answer undermines the position you've taken in arguing with me.

And really, who knows what the situation was? Get a hold of yourself there. Anyone confronted with that situation would have a reasonable suspicion that a guy and a girl, 'friends' as they may be, getting into bed together might not be a very good idea. That's a silly line to adopt.

retro:electro

BreadnBuddha wrote: »

What would you do?

I'd rather embarass myself and them than do nothing.

And if I did nothing, that's as simple as deciding it's none of my business.

It's one or the other. You either believe you have a right to involve yourself or you don't.

Tut tutting and telling tales about something you pretty much allowed to happen through inaction is shameful in itself.

Look, it obviously pissed the op off enough that theyre contemplating telling the girlfriend, so knowing that much about he op they'd hardly turn a blind eye to flirting would they.

Ave Sodalis

Odus fell down wrote:

OP, I don't know what to say to you really. It's an awkward one. If I was this guy's partner I'd want to know. Not all people are like that though. I saw a thread here recently where someone saw her friend's boyfriend on Tinder and spotted him having a meal with a woman that wasn't his girlfriend. She said it to the girlfriend, he filled her with bullsh"t and they're still together. You could lose your friendship over this. Are you prepared to do do that?

Especially considering you don't know for sure. I mean if someone came to me and told me that my boyfriend had a girl in his room and they heard sex noises (which may have been from another couple), but had otherwise absolutely no proof of anything happening, I'd be wondering what your purpose is by telling me. You'd be throwing a spanner into what could be a perfectly good relationship. Now if you had walked in on your friend and this woman, fair enough but you don't know for sure. Unless you do, I would rather not go through the hurt of thinking my boyfriend is cheating, only to find out he wasn't.

BreadnBuddha

anna080 wrote: »

Look, it obviously pissed the op off enough that theyre contemplating telling the girlfriend, so knowing that much about he op they'd hardly turn a blind eye to flirting would they.

Exactly. But where does the OP say he tried to distract his pal? Or drunkely shout at him through the door? Or tell the friend that his GF was on the phone again. Anything. But he doesn't say anywhere that he tried to stop one of his friends cheating on another friend.

So don't make your own assumptions. Maybe he tried, but the ommission is clear enough.

He screwed up. That's what it looks like from here. Either or both of us could be wrong of course.

retro:electro

BreadnBuddha wrote: »

Exactly. But where does the OP say he tried to distract his pal? Or drunkely shout at him through the door? Or tell the friend that his GF was on the phone again. Anything. But he doesn't say anywhere that he tried to stop one of his friends cheating on another friend.

So don't make your own assumptions. Maybe he tried, but the ommission is clear enough.

He screwed up. That's what it looks like from here. Either or both of us could be wrong of course.

Okay, I have no idea what you're on about. Bye

dudara

@anna080 and BreadnBuddha - That's more than enough back and forth from the pair of you. Take it to PM if you want to continue your discussion. You've completely derailed this thread.

dudara

Alf Veedersane

I don't want to breathe new life into the back 'n' forth but I agree that if I knew a mate who had a gf - especially one I knew - was in a bed with another girl, I'd be making a reason to interrupt, disrupt, distract...call it what you will....but I'd have tried something to stop something happening before it started.

You already know there's a risk if you do nothing and if you choose to do nothing, you're not really in a position to then decide you had zero role in what ultimately happened.

That's not to say that that's exactly what happened but it's how it reads and if that's how it was, I don't think the OP can decide they now have a conscience.

Depp

exactly the op asked for advice not an arguement and to have his moral compass insulted, if it was me in his shoes my first port of call would 100% be to confront the friend about it before anything else, get the facts straight, also if it was proven to be true and i was a good friend i wouldnt make it my business to rat him out but if me and the offended party were close it might turn into a 'ill give you a chance to tell her yerself first' sort of a situation, just my two cents hope i could be of help op!.

LegacyUser

Op I'd stay well out of it if I were you. Do you know the girlfriend really well ? Has she confided in you about their relationship. I am friends with a couple who separated and eventually divorced, when they announced their separation I was completely blindsided as was some of their friends as everything on the outside seemed rosey but obviously it wasn't. Nobody knows what's going on behind closed doors or how their relationship is as a whole.

Eeden

OP, it's really not your job to distract your buddy before anything happened, or to tell on him after the fact. His decisions are his decisions.

If you feel you do need to say something, then maybe you should consider speaking to your friend and telling him that you know what was going on, that you don't plan to tell his GF unless she asks you about it, but that you will have to avoid speaking to her in the meantime, because you won't lie, either.

Perhaps tell him that if she wonders why you're avoiding speaking to her, that you will say that she needs to speak to her BF about it.

In other words, you are letting him know that HE needs to talk to her, and you are letting her know that she needs to talk to him.

Some might say that this is cowardly; but seriously, their relationship is their business and I'm sure neither of them would appreciate you getting directly involved.

Alf Veedersane

Eeden wrote: »

OP, it's really not your job to distract your buddy before anything happened, or to tell on him after the fact. His decisions are his decisions

I don't think It's his job either. I just would have to see if it was a case he found himself in a situation and just went with it without thinking properly (party...drink taken etc) where a disruption, or whatever you want to call him might jolt him out of it and he'd exit stage left. Or get might continue.

That's just me though. I'm not the arbiter of right and wrong. Just offering thoughts.

100% on the rest of your post.

Augme

I don't think anyone here can tell you what to do because they aren't the ones who'll have to deal with the fallout. Easy to say "Yea say something" when it's not your circle of friends on the line. If I was you OP this is a list of questions/issues I'd want to know the answer to before saying anything.

- Will the girlfriend believe me?/Will the boyfriend be able to persuade I'm lying?
- What are the chances of them staying together if I tell them?
- Am I willing to lose both of them as friends?
- Am I willing to risk being cut out of our circle of mutual friends?
- Can my friendship with the guy ever be the same if I don't say anything?
- Can my friendship with the girlfriend ever be the same if I don't say anything?

Stranger Danger

OP, it's not your job to be a cock-blocker or a tattle-tale.

Keep your head down and your mouth shut.

Say nothin'.

sashafierce

This post has been deleted.

lukesmom

Been there a few times and I mind my own business.

nikkibikki

My 2cents....it's not your job OP to make sure your mate can keep it in his pants. He's an adult. Looks like he thought you were out of the house. That's pre meditated. Not his first time either I'd say.

Please consider telling his partner. Not to mention moral issues but think of what STI's he's exposing her to. He wouldn't be the sort of person I would want as a friend so I wouldn't be worried about loosing that friendship. Your friendship with his partner, that could go either way initially. She may fall out with you at first if you tell her or she might already have suspisions and needs something concrete in order to make a decision about their relationship. But if you don't tell her, it'll more than likely come out eventually that you knew this and then your friendship will be irrevocerable. She'll be betrayed by both of you.

Up to you what to do OP. I would find some way of telling her if it were me.

CaraMay

Dies he live with you or his gf and child? It's not your job to stop him but I would be having a serious chat with him telling him to cop on.

AlabamaWorley

AlabamaWorley wrote: »

I am friend with this guy and I am also friends with his long term gf/mother of his child.

AlabamaWorley wrote: »

I understand it's none of my business but I am really good friends with his GF and she was blowing up my phone looking for him, I just feel sleazy knowing this information and will eventually have to act normal in front of her

I'm not sure a lot of the replies are taking this into account. It's not simply that the OP heard this friend cheat, it's that she found out her other good friend was being cheated on.

If I found out that a really good friend of mine was being cheated on, I'd let them know ... no matter who the sleazy fecker was ... another friend of mine or not.

But I would definitely start with giving the cheater a chance to get his house in order and fess up.

jimd2

Deleted User wrote: »

I'm not sure a lot of the replies are taking this into account. It's not simply that the OP heard this friend cheat, it's that she found out her other good friend was being cheated on.

If I found out that a really good friend of mine was being cheated on, I'd let them know ... no matter who the sleazy fecker was ... another friend of mine or not.

But I would definitely start with giving the cheater a chance to get his house in order and fess up.

well said.

I cant believe how limp some people are on this thread.

If it was me I would be telling the girlfriend but you are probably right to give the cheater the opportunity to explain himself and to tell his girlfriend himself.

AlabamaWorley

Thanks all for your replies - I'll take everything into consideration!