Single and ready for mingle but no outlet

LegacyUser

I know there are no magic answers to this conundrum. But any advice or thoughts, please let me know.

Am female, 35, single, and childless. I've been in 3 long-term relationships, in my 20s. Ive been single for 5 years. For the most part, I have been having a grand old time. Lots of partying, travelling, meeting new people.

I essentially don't mind being single, until I meet someone who I really like and is on the same page. During my 5 years of singledom, Ive met guys, but in particular 3 guys who I really really liked. Unfortunately tho, not reciprocated. I usually attract cocky types. And younger than me (and not on same page). I am becoming better at spotting this behaviour. I don't go out looking or behaving all desperate. Last night, I went out in jeans and a hoodie cause I was just comfortable in them (I usually do put in an effort).

I feel like am not good enough for a relationship. It feels like dancing to a tune Ive no idea how to dance to anymore. Ive essentially in some ways forgotton what its like to be in a relationship. Im kindof coasting along, meeting a guy here and there, and it goes nowhere.

I am very clear now on they type of person Id like to met. And I am open to meeting someone. Making this a priority in my life. And thought it would be fun! But its so hard! Ive even tried internet dating, and (for me) its a load of boloney.

To boot, over the last year of so, Ive "lost" a few friends. I tend to make friends easily enough (Ive no problems talking to people), but its hard to meet people (especially in Ireland-everone seems so closed off-am Irish BTW) and sustain a friendship. People float in and out too. Some have children and other priorities. Some I feel use me (I cut them out). So, am also becoming clearer on the types of friendships I want too.

I suppose lack of dates and lack of friends has left me questioning these areas of my life. I don't have scales or anything. Does anyone get where Im coming from? I'm currently the only person my age, that I know of, single and ready to mingle, with no outlet to do this.

Any tips? Anyone in the same boat or used to be? Thanks :-)

LolaJJ

Hi there,

I read your post earlier today and am disappointed to see no one has replied. I'm in a similar boat myself and I have another girlfriend too whose similar but sadly she doesn't share my love for meeting up and doing things so I tend to feel quite isolated at times.

It helped me to read your post in a way as I too question why I'm feeling a little abandoned at times...

I too had 3 serious enough relationships in my twenties, more friends than I could count and an ongoing social life where I constantly had stuff on and things happening...

Where did it all change? Well, one of my best friends emigrated with her boyfriend now husband, they aren't coming home. Another moved away before her and is home now but we grew apart. My best friend my entire life who I speak to daily has a baby with her partner and I think we meet up maybe 4 times a year - we used to live together.

I have been single now for 5 years, I wasted 4 of those waiting for a non-commital asshole to either commit to me or leave me alone, he was never going to leave me alone so I accepted his slim-pickings until I eventually told him to piss off and now wish I had done it years ago as during that time, all of my friends were making real connections, putting down real roots and now, here I am starting from scratch.

I have achieved everything I wanted for myself, I love my job, I work too hard, I have my own little house, I make friends super easy and I did the whole online dating thing too and also feel it's a bit arsey. I go for cocky guys and they revel in the online experience.

But, having said all of this, I have thought a bit about how I might create more outlets for myself, a lot. I realised that I never really tried, I let everyone come to me and have always been a bit like that, I have never been the one to make plans or suggest doing stuff, well not beyond my inner sanctum of friends. Even with them I presume they are too busy with their shiny established lives.

The one thing I would say though, is to try and enjoy the single life, I know it can be lonely and there is a void but I often get jealous of people for a fleeting moment and then ask myself "Would I like to be him or her" and usually the answer is no.

The last key is normally the one that opens the door, just have faith, keep trying and try to figure out ways to change whatever you're doing that's isolating you..... I''l let you know if it works for me

I'm not sure if this is helpful but I definitely empathised with your post, so thank you

Emme

singlemingle101 wrote: »

I am very clear now on they type of person Id like to met. And I am open to meeting someone. Making this a priority in my life. And thought it would be fun! But its so hard! Ive even tried internet dating, and (for me) its a load of boloney.

Why are you making this a priority? Guys can sense this and it scares them off. You may want a family and children but if you don't meet the right person you might have to change your priorities. Focus on meeting new people and making new friends instead.

singlemingle101 wrote: »

To boot, over the last year of so, Ive "lost" a few friends. I tend to make friends easily enough (Ive no problems talking to people), but its hard to meet people (especially in Ireland-everone seems so closed off-am Irish BTW) and sustain a friendship. People float in and out too. Some have children and other priorities. Some I feel use me (I cut them out). So, am also becoming clearer on the types of friendships I want too.

Why are you losing friends? Are you drifting apart because of different priorities? If your priority is meeting a man on nights out the friends you hang out with might feel sidelined and might not want to go out with you again.

I agree that Irish people can be closed off. I am Irish and I have Irish friends and foreign friends. The mix makes all the difference because different nationalities have different priorities and a different outlook on life. Foreign friends helped me break out of the tunnel vision view of life that some Irish people have. Do you have any foreign friends?

singlemingle101 wrote: »

I suppose lack of dates and lack of friends has left me questioning these areas of my life. I don't have scales or anything. Does anyone get where Im coming from? I'm currently the only person my age, that I know of, single and ready to mingle, with no outlet to do this.

Any tips? Anyone in the same boat or used to be? Thanks :-)

I would advise you to join Meetup with a view to making new friends. Anything else is a bonus. You will meet people of all nationalities including Irish and there is a group for every interest. Perhaps you should focus on hobbies and interests and on meeting people with the same interests. This would be more enriching than making meeting a man your priority.

via4

This is also similar to me and the challenge of trying to go out and meet a guy when all my friends and family are in relationships and I get left out as I am not a priority and no one would come out with me on a sat night if I asked. I find I have to wait until its their decision to do something and if I get invited I go even if I am ill or tired but I know if I don't go when there is an opportunity there I could be sitting in for the next six months by myself. I disagree slightly with emme in the fact that letting guys now what you want from the get go would scare them off. Yes the ones who get scared off are the ones that you would have been wasting your time with because if you don't let them know what you want from the start and let them take the lead it will go nowhere because they know that you dont have the balls to stand up for yourself and let them know what you want. So many guys out there just want casual flings and some will pretend they want something more just to get one thing. Also I was in the same boat wasting time with a guy for years where it was going nowhere and in the summer I eventually grew a pair of balls and told him I wanted and deserved more and that we should part ways. Online dating didnt work for me I got stood up snd lied to a few times fake pages etc. But I know it can work for some people so I wouldn't knock it I just had bad luck. I joined a gym as a way of trying to meet someone but gym guys I find are too obsessed with themselves and all about looks they want a model on their arm. So anyway I was in the worst of form saying to myself thats it im done and I got asked out by a stranger in a doctors office it was so random and we went on a date and had a great time.

I was very open with the guy and told him about my past and that I was done with the casual stuff and i was waiting for something proper. He knows where my head is at so there is no way it is going to be a casual thing I wont let that happen again. This is like some sort of miracle so there is hope for everyone if I got asked on a date and was treated with respect. So what I will say to you is smile at strangers in the street keep yourself open emotionally and people will be more drawn to you. I even admitted to the guy if I had of met him six months ago I would have had my head down and not talked to him as I was so shut down emotionally and so untrusting of people. But I knew I needed to try again or I was gunna be alone forever which would have been no ones fault but my own. So best of luck with everything!

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the lovely replies.

I suppose what I meant by making it a priority (because it is to me) is to try and meet guys that are on the same page as me. I can meet guys till the cows come home, but the ones I like are emotionally unavailable.

This is hard to do (otherwise I wouldn't be here I guess). I always, always, put myself out there. You've no idea Emme how hard I do try.

The only other option is to stop trying, and no matter how many times I get kicked, and have to lick my wounds, I wont do this. I suppose am fatigued by lack of potential partners and lack of friends. And despite putting myself out there, it never changes.

Via, thank you for sharing your story. And that's amazing.