Domestic Violence?

LegacyUser

Hi all, just read an article on the journal about male domestic violence.

I don't know what answers or input I'm looking for here but I need to get thoughts out of my head.

I'm female and married to my husband for 18 years. In these 18 years I have hit him 4 times. 3 of these times was when I was drunk, the last time was due to an issue between us. The incidences were spaced out of the last 18 years.

I have spoken to a counsellor about it and I've worked hard on my anger management. I've also changed my drinking habits (stopped doing shots, drink more water when out, don't mix my drinks)

I can't explain why I do it but I get so angry and full of emotion, I can't speak so I just let my rage boil over. I've hit him in the chest and the arms. Never to the face.

He has forgiven me every time and says its just a part of me that he excepts. But I don't want it to be part of me that he excepts. I have worked so hard on myself and I know that I will never lay a hand on him again.

For those who may think 'oh yeah, of course she will' - I know I wont. We have had a particularly hard year and I didn't lash out so I know, if I can get through this year, I will never lay a hand on him again.

My counsellor, who is male, is great and has worked very hard with me. I still see him once a month, just for myself and other bits and pieces but he often checks in with me about it. I think its good that he is male as it puts a different perspective on things.

But...I have female friends/colleagues who openly talk about giving their husband/partner a box now and again and it actually turns my stomach that they can talk so openly about it, as if its normal behaviour and they deserve it. They've spoken about throwing things at their partners and laughing about it. One person in particular is in a particularly abusive relationship where they BOTH beat the crap out of each other...

But, if I'm honest, I sometimes say to myself 'ah sure then its not just me so maybe I'm not that bad....'...

My husband never deserved me to lay a hand on him and I am so ashamed of my actions. I have been an absolute b**ch.

I've learnt to walk away when I feel my anger coming up. It doesn't happen often but I am aware of it, I know its there.

There are no excuses for hitting anyone. If he hit me, I don't know what I'd do. I love him. Very much.

OneOfThem

pleasedontjudge wrote: »

But, if I'm honest, I sometimes say to myself 'ah sure then its not just me so maybe I'm not that bad....'

Well I'm sure you know what that is. An attempt to justify to yourself how scummy and what an "absolute bitch" you've been. Same as saying 'well it's a few times that have been spaced out over 18 years' and 'but I never hit him in the face'. You realise how horrible what you've been doing is, and are still caught up trying to downplay it in your own head so you don't have to face up to it. You need to watch that sh1t like a fvcking hawk. Any time you find a thought like that running round your head, imagine how you would feel if you had him standing over you after walloping you in the ribs and saying "Oh enough with the tears, I barely ever hit you sure, wasn't even in the face, Billy Murphy down the road beats his misses round the head with a shoe day in day out".

Fair play for tackling your drinking somewhat. For the counselling. For admiting (even with the lingering justifications/downplaying) how fvcked up what you've done is. Ultimately, you're right, you aren't that bad. But that's because you've realised how bad you have been in the past, and are trying to face up to it and change things. Those other women, they've been too weak, too spineless, or too selfish, to do what you've started to do. You're sorting your sh1t out.

You're very very fortunate to be with someone that has forgiven you and stuck by you. A lot of men would have left long ago or just sparked you clean out the first time you put your hand on them. You get to make sure the next 18 years repay him for that loyalty. Don't fvck it up.

LegacyUser

Ok. Thanks for your response.

In answer to some of your comments - I know what I've done. I have faced up to it. I'm trying to sort it out, hence the counselling. I know what a bit*h I've been. I am watching it like a fuc***g hawk.


The not hitting to the face comment - fair enough, shouldn't have put that in. I agree, it was probably a last attempt at trying to downplay it.

strandroad

Sounds like you're making good progress and have your issues recognised and in check with the support of your husband.

Your friends, on the other hand, sound downright scummy... are they childhood friends? Are you shaped by the same mindset/lifestyle that you were able to drop, but they are still immersed in it? It feels like it might be better for you to drop them, just like it's not good for a recovering alcoholic to party with his former drinking buddies.

beyondbelief67

I'm glad that your receiving counselling, would you consider anger management too ?
Never ever think oh because others do it that it's not so bad, or because I don't hit him in the face it's not so bad.
Every slap, punch or box to the head is bad and puts the person down more, makes them feel like there is no point fighting back any more, yes he loves you and will never lay a finger on you.
I knew another man like that years ago, saw him punched hit and slapped, whenever the lady was mad or seeing red, for whatever reason, he never once raised his voice or hit her back, he'd try to reason with her, ask her to get help when she was calm. She did but would lapse.
Finally she hit him to hard one day, sadly he said at that time he couldn't fight back any more, and had given up, I didn't realise at the time how right he was, he passed away a year later.
I wish he had left, I really do, maybe my children would have got to know there grandfather and he could of lived in peace and without fear of my mother when she wasn't happy about something and the moods would take her over.
I hope you continue with your counselling and manage to stop.visit a site called amen it might help you know the impact you have on him.

eviltwin

Give him the number for Amen. It's great you're aware of your issues and working on them but he needs someone else to talk too. You also need to fully own what you do. Saying 'I hit him but only when I'm drunk' or 'I hit him but never on the face' is playing down what you do. It's not the physical damage that is harmful, it's the emotional damage that you can't see. I'd also distance yourself from your friends, this type of behaviour is not okay and never acceptable.

LegacyUser

pleasedontjudge wrote: »

3 of these times was when I was drunk, the last time was due to an issue between us. The incidences were spaced out of the last 18 years.

I've also changed my drinking habits (stopped doing shots, drink more water when out, don't mix my drinks)

..... Never to the face.

But, if I'm honest, I sometimes say to myself 'ah sure then its not just me so maybe I'm not that bad....'...

Fair play to you for beginning to address the issues, but that's all you've done is begin, 'cos right now you still have a load of excuses and reasons why you really don't think it's so bad. You have a long, long way to go with this process until you realise you have no excuse for what you've done, address the underlying anger and poor impulse control and your solution is not a sticking plaster "no shots". The aim of counselling is to come away with better insight, more emotionally healthy, more able for the relationships and situations you live in, not thinking "ah well, I could be hitting him more often and I don't drink the same things now, so job done". You need to realise you still have a way to go and you need to the work it'll take to get there.

Pawwed Rig

Congratulations OP. You have faced up to and addressed an issue and that took tremendous courage. At this stage just try and put it behind you and focus on the future. Keep seeing the counsellor if it helps.
Try and encourage your friends to be as courageous as you have been.