Bordering on abusive mother in law

LegacyUser

I don't want to waste my time dealing with her but I really need help in how to approach dealing with my mother in law in the future. Just to give an overall picture of her, I didn't meet her until after i was with my boyfriend, now husband, for about a year and during which she was friendly over the phone. I knew she had problems and a hard life - she had a tough upbringing, doesn't know who her father is, and married three times with five kids and three different fathers. She is a recovered alcoholic apparently but diabetic now and she is a very difficult person. She no longer speaks to her eldest son after he cut her out of his life when she tried to break him and the mother of his children up. They did break up but I think there was more to it than just her influence in the end and I really don'T know the full story there.

I never realised that the nightmarish mother in law truly existed until this. When I first went to visit my partner's parents they seemed friendly and we stayed a week. They took us out and my partner's sister is just a lovely person and she probably was the reason it really worked, looking back. One evening I went out alone with my partner and his sister and when I came back I noticed that the things in my handbag had been moved around and immediately suspected that his mother had gone through my stuff. I didn'T show that I had noticed just on the off chance I was wrong but it transpired she had. I am 6 years older than my husband and it is the same gap between her and her own now husband she has been with for 20 years. She i is in her early 60s. That was the start of the problems. We returned a few weeks later for a bonus visit that his father paid for as she wanted to see my partner again and this time her other daughter was there and treated me coldly and indifferently from the off, but I didn't suspect the mother in law at that early stage and was still friendly and normal with her. That week ended up gruesome. I went out of the house with my partner one day and she called him back accusing me of being short, when I really hadn't. She had his sister write an email to him about me saying nasty things... and just some other small things. The week ended up nightmarish naturally enough. A few months later we visited again on a trip around the country they live in, and when I brought in my bag she said there was a smell of mice from them. She knew I had come directly from my family home and so this was a disgusting remark. I informed her that my house is a huge two storey new build in the country and that no mice live there and that it was highly insulting to make such a remark to me. She got me by the arm and forced me through the doorway of the room we were in, through the hall and then pushed me out of their apartment door. I swore I would never speak to her again or see her again but apparently she was sorry and wanted to start again.

Cut to her commitment to my partner to start afresh. She visited us in our new apartment this week having told him previously that they wouldn't have time to call to the apartment and would just meet him for a meal. I immediately knew this was a lie and that she was likely planning to catch me out. Sure enough on the day they were due to arrive, she called an hour in advance to say that they would like to save money on hotels and would stay with us. I had it predicted and had the apartment cleaned like new, bar one or two things, but thought no way could she possibly complain with all that was so well done and so clean about the place.

She arrived and her eyes almost popped out of her head in shock at how clean it was. She couldn'T say anything. I was delighted, I was friendly and normal and just wanted the visit to go well and didn't want to give her any reason to be bitchy. So they stayed for one night after having arrived late and were supposed to leave the next morning but decided to bring us shopping to buy us furniture and again, at the last minute, ended up staying an extra night.
The day of the shopping I had to spend one hour and a half alone with her and she was disgusting. No matter what conversation I broached with her she answered with one word, or didn'T listen, or pretended not to listen, and then n between those times criticised my clothes and told me she wanted to give me money to buy stuff, I told her I would prefer her to give it to her own children, that I had plenty and would be buying more after we had settled in to the new apartment, etc. I remained polite, said I was grateful for her offer, etc.
She was cold and depressed all day, and hardly spoke. She disappeared on us all whole we were in the restaurant to take something for her diabetes but I suspect she is on medication for depression. Her husband has been cheating for years but she puts up with it as she has no means of living of her own and doesn't want to take a menial job as she realises, according to my partner, that she doesn't have good people skills.

Anyway, the next morning when they were due to leave after spending two nights with us, I detected she was looking aggressive potentially and so I stayed in my room extra long to get ready so to avoid any confrontation. I was only abut 10 mins when I came out to get something and she made a big deal about calling my husband into the bathroom. She was pointing at the small bag of laundry in the corner and told him that I had used an ordinary towel to stand on after my shower. He went crazy with her as she had promised to behave. I stayed in my room and she started shouting making abusive comments about me, and even kicked my shoes, picked up a pair of heels and asked him if he had bought them for me. I went down to her husband who was in the car and asked him to please come upstairs and stop the shouting as I could lose the apartment over it, and on the way up explained that I had not spoken a word to her and that she had complained about the towel. He said well you really should clean. He is a bully as well, and seemed to have enjoyed, and joined in, on her ignoring me and being rude. I told him that the place was clean and that we had prepared it especially for them as our guests. He just grunted.

They left soon after but she made a series of disgusting comments about me to my husband after she left, and even this morning, a few days later, made a comment about how I only learned the shortcut to the pub since moving to the area where we live now. This comes from when I brought them to the restaurant on their first evening here which was on the main street. It was my partner who had briefly led them down a lane by mistake and I redirected them to the main street and i guess she didn't like that.

I was feeling incredibly down after the visit as it was a long two night and day and a half and she had been playing mind games for the entire time. Just today I felt back to myself and she made the comment about the shortcut to the bar. My husband agrees that it was disgusting and told me I never have to meet her again, but I am worried. How can I avoid her for the rest of my life and is this going to get worse? She is already setting rest of her family against me and spreading lies that I can't refute as I don'T want to get involved in her family.

Please help.

amdublin

She sounds crazy. Your boyfriend sounds supportive.
Just stay awatly from her in small circles i.e. her, you, her husband, your boyfriend. Just go to large family events where the whole family is there and then leave.

I'm sure the rest of the family know what she's like and can see she is telling lies/you are not like what she says. And if they don't sure let them off.

How long are you with your boyfriend/we're with him before you found out about his mother or rest of his family? They all may just need to get to know you better.

Oh yes and I'd either invent a lodger or have another family member "staying" in your apartment everytime they are visiting so she can't stay again.

Shrap

Oh dear, oh dear :eek: What a nightmare! Sounds like it would take every ounce of strength to deal with that level of hatefulness.

Can I ask is your partner's arm easily twisted by her? I mean, he agrees how awful she was towards you and how intimidating and upsetting, yes? But would he be inclined to give her yet another chance when the inevitable "sorry, I know I did wrong" conversation happens with his mother?

I can easily see why you're now asking questions of whether you'll be able to deal with this long-term and I think you'll have to have the long-term conversation with your partner. After all, this is the guy you're investing your future in here and you'll need to know that he totally has your back. What if you decide to have kids? Could you depend on him not to relent to her with the "She's our child's Granny and she has a right to see him/her"? Likewise, could you depend on him to choose you over his sister (the one who clearly listens to her mother's opinion), if it comes to it?

For what it's worth, I think you absolutely have the right to never see someone who's that toxic towards you again, and I think you have the right to decide now and forever that you won't concede an inch, no matter how many apologies she grudgingly sends your way. I'm very sorry for your predicament OP - this will be a tough one on both of you, whichever way it pans out.

Rubberchikken

try to avoid being in her company as much as possible. tbh the woman doesn't sound well and different times and different things may trigger behaviour from her that's difficult to deal with. so easier to just avoid. if possible.
i'm sorry it's like this for you. it is lovely getting married and looking forward to becoming close to your husband's family, but sometimes that just doesn't hapen, and it's hard.

gandalf

I'm in a similar situation but its my own mother. The key is to limit your exposure to them and where possible meet only in a public place like a restaurant and don't let her stay over in your place again. I would also avoid staying in her place again.

Meadhbus

I'd avoid forcing him to choose between you if I could. I have no way of knowing who he'd pick, but that's not the point. No matter how awful she is, she's still his mother.

That being said, definitely limit your exposure, and that of any potential kids. Good luck with it, I hope it turns out okay.

zeffabelli

Afraid no contact is the only answer to this.

As your boyfriend will learn one day when his life is in shambles because of her.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies everyone. I will avoid her completely, of course. My partner told me he does not expect me to see her again or have her stay again after all that has happened and he has told her since over the phone that she has to stop berating me or he will be forced to cut her out. She of course in reply to that tried to spin it that i would be the reason they would fall out but thankfully he isn't falling for that and has told her so.

She has written letters to my partner as well berating me endlessly, one in red ink, and when the last one was sent by registered post and we didn't get to collect it on time, she actually brought it with her this time, this after saying she came in peace and to start over, and she gave it to my partner as she was leaving after her outbursts about the towel, etc.
I think she had been dying to confront me in person and is just angry and worked up that she didn'T get a chance to and that I didn'T rise to her comments and stayed away on her last morning when she looked as if she might get aggressive.

I can avoid her utterly, not ever going to meet her again but I just worry that she will take this out on my partner so I am not getting involved and I'm not going to make any comments to her daughter either as it is her family end of the day. However can she escalate things in my life in another way, and is there anything I can do to prevent that? We have a tell her nothing more approach now so that she can't sabotage us. I hope this is enough. I am very fearful in terms of having kids... what if something were to happen to me for example? Her own eldest son won't let her babysit his kids as she was so heartless with them when they were born and when he first got together with the mother of the kids. His life is in ruins in a way, though he is a brilliant father, but he is very unhappy now and doesn't keep in touch with anyone in the family much. She seems dangerous, and I'm not sure I know the whole extent of it.

deisemum

The solution is simple and doesn't need further thinking about, your partner has said he doesn't expect you to see her again or her to call to your home so there's the solution. Stop overthinking it because she wont change.

He can go and see her if he wants. Just because she's your MIL it doesn't mean you have to have anything to do with her. You're lucky your partner is understanding and not putting pressure on you to visit her again. You're an adult and you should be mature enough to decide how you would like to be treated, why should you put up with someone who abuses you just because they're related to your husband?

I was a fool for years putting up with a nasty FIL, biting my tongue to keep the peace as he repeatedly disrespected me so much so that my husband and I separated for a while but after counselling I cut my PILs out of my life 15+ years ago, my husband visits his family regularly, the toxic PILs are not affecting our marriage any longer.

Neyite

The success you'll have in managing her depends on your partner really and how wise he is to her ploys and manipulations and by the sounds of it, he's pretty clued in. There is a megathread on another forum for adult children of these kind of awful parents and inlaws where you'll find lots of information and resources and can draw on the experiences of many women in the same situation or worse. Both of you could learn a bit on coping from that thread.

You need to know that while a lot of mother-in-laws can have their moments, your one is extreme and not the norm. You just unfortunately have been lumbered with a truly awful one. With regard to children, well for me its simple: if she is too toxic and malignant to be a trusted member of my circle, and too nasty for me to bother engaging with, then there is no way her toxicity would go near my child. Children are very adaptive. They don't need grandparents for the sake of it or for the sake of blood relation - and lets face it, she hardly sounds like Mrs. Doubtfire in her rocking chair does she? So they very likely wont benefit from her in their lives. What they do need is loving, guiding adults in their lives, whatever the friendship or relationship with family whether its friends, extended family or neighbours.