Being Made to Feel Inadequate about my Virginity.

LegacyUser

Im female, very early 20s and in my penultimate year of college. I have a group of 8 friends at college, we are female. Within this group there are four of us virgins. One girl is saving till marraige. The rest of us dont plan on that. Previously when the topic had came up before we all said we'd probably wait till we got a boyfriend or were close to someone to do the deed. However as of this year my other two friends seem to have changed their minds. One of these girls has told me she has bought guys she met out in a club home after a night out as of this past month. She tried to have sex with one of them but it didnt work out, and she didnt have sex with the others but did preform sex acts-her reasons being that being at this stage in college is way too old to be a virgin, that its ridiculous to be this age and still have never had sex etc. Fine thats her reasoning-it did make me a bit self conscience about my own v.card (she is in fact younger than me) but I'll live.

The other friend however, has told me she plans on joining tinder and meeting lads and losing it that way and suggested I do the same, I told her I have no interest in joining tinder, having sex or starting a relationship of any kind (its just not appealing to me) however she started with the same talk my other friend was at-too old, late in college, should be ashamed/embarassed to still be a virgin at this stage, etc. She told me I had "to grow up at some point" in regards to not wanting a relationship/sex. Just all of this chat by my two friends is starting to make me feel inadequate, that I should be embarrassed to be a virgin, and that if I dont do it with some stranger now while Im in college Ill never do it. Ive never done anything bar kissing, always with strangers and I never contact them afterwards.

I know the whole "no one can tell you what to do, embrace yourself" stuff. But I dont care for it, It makes sense in an ideal world, but we dont live in an ideal world. Realistically, am I being immature/naive like my friend said? I know there are no rules exactly and everyone matures at different rates but is it abnormal to not want to do those things (like I do sometimes in the heat of the moment when kissing but I would never do anything about it)? Am I living in some fantasy world where the idea of my first time is to do it with someone Im comfortable with (I should mention I have no male friends ) rather than stranger cause "realistically thats the only way youll lose your v.card this late in the game"? Should I be doing this stuff at this stage? The idea of doing any of that stuff to be honestly frightens the bejaysus out of me.

kylith

No, you are not immature or naive. You are actually much more mature than they are. Have sex only when and how you want to. If you want to wait until you have a connection with someone, do. And if your 'friends' try to make you feel bad for that tell them to shove their opinions up their jacksies.

Sunflower 27

Why are you sharing such personal details with your friends? It is none of their business. You really need to start living your life for yourself, not what others may or may not think.

To be honest, your friends sound incredibly immature.

retro:electro

Tell your "friends" to piss off and you'll do what you want when you want and won't be pressured into anything. Seriously op you need to get assertive here.

backspacer

Fair dues to you,hold your ground on this..if they want to sleep around and run the risk of pregnancy or STD's then let them off.

Sex is something personal and intimate,so at least you are using some cop on here and making sure when you are ready,not when someone else is scolding you for not doing it.

Ursus Horribilis

I've got to agree wholeheartedly with Sunflower above me. Why exactly are you sharing these details with your friends? It's absolutely none of their business. They have no right to ask and even less right to know :mad: Maybe as part of moving into adulthood, you need to learn what's OK to tell other people and what to keep to yourself. Despite what you think, not all adults divulge the gory details of their sex lives to their friends. You're entitled to keep your private life private if this is what you want. So feel free to tell them it's your private business and you want to keep it that way.

In a couple of years time you'll be graduated from college and probably will lose touch with most of your friends. So why make very personal choices in your own life based on what they think?

For what it's worth, there's nothing wrong with being a virgin at your age. You'd swear it was an affliction or something. If you want to lose it to someone you care about, then that's fine. If you decide to lose it to some randomer then that's fine too. The important thing is that you do things the way you want to do them. Not so that you'll no longer feel like the oddity in your peer group.

myshirt

I can't believe someone on this thread just used the word jacksies. Never a dull day on boards.

Op, I think you near on know the answer to your own question, you sound a very sensible lady. Stick with your gut and your own instincts, always. It is very much not right that you be exposed to that pressure.

mapaca

If you're not ready yet then you're not ready, plain and simple. It's nobody else's business. There's no set age at which you MUST have sex with someone or you miss the boat. It's not a race. Having sex is not a measure or a benchmark of how mature a person is.

Don't ever let anyone pressure you into doing something sexual that you really don't want to do.

guppy

Sunflower 27 wrote: »

Why are you sharing such personal details with your friends? It is none of their business. You really need to start living your life for yourself, not what others may or may not think.

To be honest, your friends sound incredibly immature.

She considers them her friends, of course she shares these things!

That said, don't let them make you feel bad for your choices. Tell them you're happy waiting til it happens, you're in no rush, but that you don't give a flying fig what they do.

If they push you, then push back. If that doesn't work, then consider if you still want to be friends with them.

ivytwine

I do agree with the other posters but one line in your post jumped out at me. You say the idea of doing anything sexual beyond kissing frightens you. Why? If you want to wait for someone special that's fair enough, but sex is nothing to be scared of. It's the most natural thing in the world.

Ursus Horribilis

guppy wrote: »

She considers them her friends, of course she shares these things! .

I consider this to be over-sharing. Regardless of whether she wants to shag anything male with a pulse or wants to wait until she's married, it's nobody else's business. She'd not be wondering is she a freak or that she needs to "lose the v-card" if her friends didn't know too much. So what's she supposed to do if she loses her virginity? Announce it to them? Go through every position they tried? How many times they did it?

El_Duderino 09

You're entitled to do exactly what you want. Your friends might be sound in general but making you feel bad about something of no interest to them is not good friend behaviour.

Sex with someone after a nightclub is rarely intimate. I can't imagine a worse way to have sex for the first time. I had a great first time with a great woman. She told me it was her first time and I said the same, we took good care of each other and it was a lovely experience. I've heard stories about horrible experiences some of my friends have had though.

Have sex when you want to and with someone who is understanding and will make it an enjoyable and intimate experience.

Do not, under any circumstance, apologise for being a Virgin.

Ursus Horribilis

VCardHolder wrote: »

Am I living in some fantasy world where the idea of my first time is to do it with someone I'm comfortable with (I should mention I have no male friends ) rather than stranger cause "realistically that's the only way you'll lose your v.card this late in the game"? Should I be doing this stuff at this stage? The idea of doing any of that stuff to be honestly frightens the bejaysus out of me.

Not everyone's comfortable with kissing randomers in night clubs or taking them home for one night stands. If neither of those are your thing, then fair enough. One night stands aren't for everyone.

Having said that, after reading Ivytwine's comment I read back through your post again and am a bit curious to know what's going on here. Is there any reason in particular that you don't have male friends? Or indeed, why you're not interested in having a boyfriend?

Teafor two12345

If you don't judge them for joining Tinder I don't see why they should judge you for not joining tinder. I can't see why they don't respect your choices. Online dating or hook ups or whatever is entirely up to the person who does it.

Make your choices for your reasons. If you are comfortable meeting people online then you are within your rights to expect people not to judge. If you are not then again you are within your rights to expect people especially not friends to judge.

It's your body and your business.

I can TOTALLY see why someone who had never had sex let alone a bf might choose not to go on tinder. It's up to you.

My 'first' was with a bf, in a relationship. His first was in a relationship. In fact I would promise you most people's firsts are in relationships.


Now saying that 'SEX' in bold letters is nothing to be afraid of or feel uncomfortable about. Perhaps start exploring this in your mind first and see if you could go about even making platonic male friends. I think it's important to engage with the other half of the human race. I would say that even to a gay person by the way.

I think if you did have male friends (not for dating just as friends) you might begin to feel more comfortable around guys in general.

SurferRosa

I didn't loose mine till I was 24, at the time I thougt I was a "freak" almost still being a Virgin at such a ripe age,but nonetheless I knew I just wouldn't have sex for the sake of it either. I wasn't saving myself nor did I think there was anything wrong with casual sex in theory - it just wasn't for me.
I feel that you're similar and it's just not for you either. I eventually had sex with my boyfriend of 5 months when I was almost 25. We both sucked ( he was almost as inexperienced as me ) but we had fun and sometimes a laugh learning the ropes as the trust was there.
I'm now married to him with 4 kids. I honestly don't regret not having sex earlier or with more people. It's not for everyone but I couldn't be happier.
Please do what feels right for you, I did and I am so happy for it

Teafor two12345

I was 23 to be honest being single now sex is something I miss. You get horny. But you have to ask yourself how realistic your friends are in thinking it's safe to go about thinking of tinder as safe to lose your virginity on. Although.....................

pooch90

I waited until I was 18.5 for the same reasons as above. However, I ended up going home drunk with a guy who was way older. He was very nice etc but then it turned out he had a live in partner and two kids. He then pursued me and tried to make me his young bit on the side. I still feel dirty and sick about the whole thing 12 years later. It was bad judgement on my part and I wish I had waited the extra year as I ended up meeting a lovely guy who was so patient and attentive. I married him in the end.

Don't let anyone make you feel like you should follow their idea of normal. You know what you want. Stick to your guns, you might feel like you're weird now but down the line,you will be so glad to have done what was right for you.

Buona Fortuna

Hi OP the value I can add to a young woman's perspective is quite limited.

There's some good advice above.

I would just add the losing the vcard (as its put) is no biggee. Its hardly up there with a parachute jump or your first pay slip, bank account, or whatever. Your "friends" going on about it, somewhat shows their immaturity .

amdublin

Fair play to you making up your own mind and holding your own ground.


But frankly you all sound a bit immature talking to each other about your plans for losing your virginity or not. It's no-ones business but your own - and it is obvious now that you are uncomfortable the direction it has gone. Take control back and don't discuss it further with your friends.

Shrap

VCardHolder wrote: »

Just all of this chat by my two friends is starting to make me feel inadequate, that I should be embarrassed to be a virgin, and that if I dont do it with some stranger now while Im in college Ill never do it.

This kind of chat by your friends says WAY more about them than it does about you OP. These are their fears, that they are giving in to and letting dictate how and when they have intimate experiences. You don't have to take on their fears.

I think it's extraordinary that they are putting you under pressure to change your mind and act like them (clearly in order to justify their own thinking on the subject). They are no friends of your's OP if they are advising you to take risks with your body, so that they can feel better about the risks they are taking with theirs'. In fact, it's an appalling example of peer-pressure.

Far from feeling inadequate, you should be feeling strong and in tune with yourself for knowing that you don't want to lose your virginity this way. I suggest you tell your friends that they can start their own anti v.card club if they want to, but that you're happy making your own decisions ta very much. And maybe check in with yourself about why exactly you're friends with them? Friends are people who respect you.

thegreatgonzo

Odus fell down wrote: »

For what it's worth, there's nothing wrong with being a virgin at your age. You'd swear it was an affliction or something.

I so agree with this statement. Society treats the subject in a very immature way and it really annoys me.

OP, ignore those girls and get on with your life. Also, in future you don't have to share every intimate aspect of your life with your friends either:-)

Astrolabe

I'm sorry to hear you're in this dilemma! I haven't read all of the replies, so please forgive me if I'm reiterating what someone else may have already said. I really and truly empathise with you. I felt very similar when I was your age (I'm 37 now) and I felt really inadequate about being a virgin. It's easy for people to tell you not to worry about what others think, but the whole 'losing your virginity' thing can be so complicated and emotional.

With the benefit of hindsight, I would say this: Something like this is only as issue if you make it an issue. I would never recommend to anyone that they should lose their virginity just for the sake of it, to 'cross it off the list', as it were. But at the end of the day, if you do end up doing that, and you don't like the experience, it's not the end of the world. In my opinion, it's important for young women, and men, to realise that their sex-life (or lack thereof) is not the sum of their identities. Many people my age have memories of sexual encounters both successful and failed, and it doesn't matter.

It sounds like some of your friends are putting you under a lot of unfair pressure. There's enough of that sort of thing from guys (not all guys of course) without one's female friends adding to the pressure! Our friends are supposed to help us feel great about ourselves and our decisions, respect our choices, and generally root for us in every way. The friends you mentioned seem to be trying to goad you into doing the same as them, in order to reaffirm to themselves that 'everyone I know is doing it'. Perhaps you daring to be yourself and make your own brave choices is making them uncomfortable about their own poor choices. When I was a teenager, some of my friends used to shoplift, and used to bully me into doing it to, because if I didn't, it made them feel bad about doing it themselves. So I hope you are able to make a decision based on freedom, and what you really want, as opposed to making a decision out of fear.

I'm sorry that I can't be more help - I really wish you well, and I hope everything works out ok for you. Best wishes xx

The Black Oil

OP, the first thing I noticed was that you and your friends have a range of experiences, no experience, one wanting to save it until marriage, and yet, when it comes down to it, they won't respect your situation. There seems to be a thread of insecurity running through the attitudes you've encountered and perhaps they're trying to pass off their own worries by slagging you. The whole "ridiculous at this age" is perhaps reflective of that.

Sometimes you have to send certain friends a gentle reminder as to where the boundaries are. If any are particularly OTT, you might push back with 'well, it's my vagina, why are you so interested..?' with a little smile. Put them on the back foot or get them to STFU about it.

LegacyUser

VCardHolder wrote: »

.... One of these girls has told me she has bought guys she met out in a club home after a night out as of this past month. She tried to have sex with one of them but it didnt work out, and she didnt have sex with the others but did preform sex acts-her reasons being that being at this stage in college is way too old to be a virgin, that its ridiculous to be this age and still have never had sex etc....

The other friend however, has told me she plans on joining tinder and meeting lads and losing it that way.

For all their talk your friends still haven't actually "done the deed" either! I don't mean to be glib, OP, but it is very easy to lose your virginity. Being in college, college nights out, bringing fellas home... It's basically there on a plate for your first friend and for some reason she still hasn't gone through with it herself. The second friend talking about going on Tinder etc.. Again, she's talking about it, but as yet hasn't gone through with it either.

They're all bluster and big talk, but when it comes to it they are just as nervous and unsure as you are. Something is stopping them actually going through with it. Again, I don't mean to be glib or using sweeping generalisations (but I will anyway!) most fellas in college are only too happy to "oblige" a girl if she's willing! So the fact that your friend has brought home a few fellas (at least she says she has) and still hasn't done it, means she's not as willing as she'd like to make out.

Do you own thing. This is a very brief time in your life. In 10, 15, 30 years time would you like to look back and think you only had sex with people you really wanted to... Or you had sex because your friends peer pressured you into it.

A lad I was very friendly with in school recently told me he lost his virginity at 23. I was surprised. He was a real "lad", and I assumed he had lost it long before that. It's your life, it's your business. And it actually will have no affect on your friends' lived one way or the other, so they don't really need to be too concerned about it.