Online Dating Not So Easy

LegacyUser

Hey all,

I'm in my thirties doing the whole online dating thing which can be hard.
I'm generally a quiet person and this is what usually happens after a date, you're v quiet etc so they tend not to be interested.Perhaps not attracted either.

Not all bad, have got second dates etc and I have turned down some that I'm not into because I don't think it's fair to go on a date that I'm not interested in.


I had a second date with a lovely guy recently.Spent the whole day together , went for a lovely walk, chatted,flirting, touching etc.Then we kissed and afterwards went for something to eat.


The thing is at dinner, he spent maj of time on his phone and little effort to communicate as opposed to the hours we talked, chatted before we kissed.
I think it was quite rude.

I sent him a text saying thanks for a nice day and dinner.He text back, it was fun.
I am guessing he is not interested.
Is that what men do, get the shift and then bam it's done when they are not interested.

Perhaps I shouldn't have texted but I wanted to say thanks for dinner.

Opinions.





He is 37 and I am 33.

Taltos

OP, you may get more apt advice from the Online Dating Forum here. It's private so you can't post unregistered. Access can be sought via the dedicated thread in Feedback, found here.
http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056968455

LegacyUser

Thanks but don't have enough posts to post there.

crackers and cheese

There was no harm in texting him. ..something like that would not faze him if he was the one...I had a few online dates last year...Two were like that. ..interested then all over their phones when sitting down one on one....All I can say is have faith and don't give up. The problem with online dating I believe is it gives people too many options and they don't fully focus on the date itself. .more so the lead up to it...The flirting online etc

crackers and cheese

So basically. ..yes the majority online don't seem to be that serious about dating and are more so into the chase........that's In my experience before anyone disputes that lol

LegacyUser

I'm new to the online dating world but have went on 3 different dates with 3 different guys in the past 3 months. 2 of the 3 have been a disaster. The 2nd guy,it actually did go as fair as we went on several dates and slept together but we only talked once after that so I think it's safe to say he was after one thing.
I personally give up on online dating, you can't beat meeting someone in person for the first time and see if you have that spark. Good luck in your dating adventure and hope you have more luck than me in the future

njs030

He spent the date on his phone?? How unbelievably rude!!!

Op forget him he sounds like a moron who doesn't deserve a second thought.
Online dating does work but you need to be patient and get a thicker skin. Treat every date like a learning experience and don't get too invested too early.

Lux23

Are you sure something else didn't happen other than the kiss? Did you say something that he may have taken up the wrong way?

LegacyUser

Nope, I didn't say anything he would have taken up wrong.

We spent whole day together from about 1 to 5.
He wasn't on his ph at all until after we kissed.
Before we kissed, all chat and flirty.
Straight after all cold and less chat.
Went for dinner, then decides he has to look something up on internet for maj of time and barely made any effort to talk.
We had tea earlier in day and he wasn't rude like that.

I text him like I said, He replied later was nice day or something like that and then he didn't communicate further.
I text him later and he wasn't communicating as normal.Ignoring texts which he would never do.I knew he was doing nothing.He told me.
He was ignoring me. So I asked him and he said he didn't think any spark so was like a teenager getting a shift nd then being ignored.

For his age, I thought he be more mature.He should have just said he wasn't interested and not kissed at all.

LegacyUser

It's pretty obvious I was used and he was such a gentleman/nice guy up till that point... I'll delete his number!

OneOfThem

Sounds like it was the kiss that let him know there was no spark, I'd say. Can happen like that sometimes.

Doesn't excuse him pretty much ignoring you at dinner and messing round on his phone though.

LegacyUser

Yeah, I did feel like saying am I boring you or something but held back.

beks101

Sounds like you ran out of things to say to each other, in addition to him just not feeling anything when you guys kissed. A lot can be told from that first kiss and sometimes it doesn't ignite anything so the spark is dead in the waters before anything further can develop.

Don't take it personally - that's the key. It's dating. Sometimes one is interested and one isn't and vice versa. Don't let it affect your confidence - put crudely, one person's trash is another's treasure and all that. This one wasn't too enamoured by your company and displayed that rudely, hardly the best starting point for a relationship.

Might be time to work on those social skills too. Nothing wrong with quiet or non-chatty, I've been on dates with those types and it can be refreshing and endearing. Not making any effort though and leaving it to your date to entertain you is absolutely exhausting though and not an experience I've ever wished to repeat. What are you bringing to the table, so to speak? Do you ask your date questions about his life, his job, his hobbies etc? Are you comfortable and confident talking about yourself with ease? Can you share a giggle, laugh at yourself, ramp up the body language etc? Someone commenting "you're very quiet" suggests the conversation is one-sided, or running dry prematurely, and really OP it's your responsibility to keep things chatty and fun if you're looking to progress from a first date.

LegacyUser

I do try my best to keep conversation going. It's easier with some more than others. I think though I was prob more nervous with him because I liked him!

I do ask questions but you're right. I am guessing they make more of the effort. I will keep going on dates and try make more of an effort to converse. I can laugh at myself yeah. Guess more practice talking:)

njs030

One thing to be careful is not to ask too many questions! We've all heard the "ask people about themselves" line but make sure it doesn't come across like an interview.
Make sure they're open questions that he can't say yes/no to and always have something to say about the subject yourself.

It does sound like after the kiss he lost interest, sadly you just weren't what he's looking for....but would you want someone who was so rude anyway!!!
Don't be too disheartened op, to paraphrase friends only one date has to work to become "the" relationship you are hoping for.

dixiefly

Fire111 wrote: »

Hey all,

I'm in my thirties doing the whole online dating thing which can be hard.
I'm generally a quiet person and this is what usually happens after a date, you're v quiet etc so they tend not to be interested.Perhaps not attracted either.

Not all bad, have got second dates etc and I have turned down some that I'm not into because I don't think it's fair to go on a date that I'm not interested in.


I had a second date with a lovely guy recently.Spent the whole day together , went for a lovely walk, chatted,flirting, touching etc.Then we kissed and afterwards went for something to eat.


The thing is at dinner, he spent maj of time on his phone and little effort to communicate as opposed to the hours we talked, chatted before we kissed.
I think it was quite rude.

I sent him a text saying thanks for a nice day and dinner.He text back, it was fun.
I am guessing he is not interested.
Is that what men do, get the shift and then bam it's done when they are not interested.

Perhaps I shouldn't have texted but I wanted to say thanks for dinner.

Opinions.





He is 37 and I am 33.

How long was it since ye dated? At 37 it sounds like he is quite choosy.

LegacyUser

We just went on two dates.
Texted here and there since but he is not making any effort to communicate even as friends.
Quite hurtful so not going to bother texting him anymore.
I was going to text him good luck and hope everything works out but prob best not to say a thing.

Ursus Horribilis

That "You're very quiet" comment is an interesting one. Why is that? There are two ways of looking at this. Either you're not putting in the effort and giving the person nothing back in terms of conversation. Or you've just met someone you've got nothing to say to. If it's the latter, then why bother? When I get talking to someone and I can feel the conversation getting laboured, I just stop bothering for both our sakes.

LegacyUser

I said the quiet comment because I know I'm quiet. I had things to say to him.

LegacyUser

My gut instinct though is telling me he used me. Usually right

Men are different, they kiss to perhaps get turned on but women generally don't kiss if not interested.Not all woman but some.Anyway it's always hard when one likes and other doesn't.
Moving on to next one now and won't be texting him again.:)

aidanki

beks101 wrote: »

Might be time to work on those social skills too. Nothing wrong with quiet or non-chatty, I've been on dates with those types and it can be refreshing and endearing. Not making any effort though and leaving it to your date to entertain you is absolutely exhausting though and not an experience I've ever wished to repeat. What are you bringing to the table, so to speak? Do you ask your date questions about his life, his job, his hobbies etc? Are you comfortable and confident talking about yourself with ease? Can you share a giggle, laugh at yourself, ramp up the body language etc? Someone commenting "you're very quiet" suggests the conversation is one-sided, or running dry prematurely, and really OP it's your responsibility to keep things chatty and fun if you're looking to progress from a first date.

any tips/exercises be v much appreciated

Teafor two12345

Oi oi oi oi oioi! AYEESH!

Ok my experiences. First tried site had a speed dating event that you signed up to first then you joined the site. I paid thirty Euro. My god was I disappointed. I was very nervous. You meet like 8 people. For three mins. One thing bothered me first off. There was an age cut off point. And CLEARLY some men had disobeyed it. I found myself sitting opposite men in their fifties more than once. It was awkward. I could see how they could not find it awkward too. I had nothing to say to them. I made the best choices I thought at the time. One guy I only ticked because i felt sorry for him. DON'T MAKE THAT MISTAKE EVER AGAIN. There is such a thing as undatable. Let's just admit that.

Ended up on two dates. The First I thought was going to be the next love of my life. Nope...disaster. Just not for me. Second guy I had misgivings about. But I went thinking it will be night out. I was into it ten mins and thinking OMG i am really glad I came this guy is really cool. Then an hour in ...sleaze ...not going to go into that. He made me feel very uncomfortable and it was obvious.

So I think I took a dating break. Then I went on a couple of free sites. I found the profile of the guy I went on the second date with. It just shows you how misleading those can be though. People can lie through their teeth.

I would have to say all of my friends said. Don't take it too seriously. And I always found the people who did not seem to be taking it too seriously seemed the most genuine.

I never felt safe on the online thing. You never know. I couldn't really be sure they were even real. So yeah I wouldn't give my trust to someone on there. I am not saying it will not work for everyone. I am sure there are cool people on there.

I just felt like i was being asked the same stuff over and over and over. It is an ego boost for some. Even their profiles are ego boosts. And some people on there are just rude ...and well crazy. Some seemed dangerous. And of course do you know who you are talking to?

I know it probably works for some people. I couldn't respond adequately to all the messages. It felt like multi texting.

So I would say don't take it seriously. If it works for you it works for you. For me it was weird. I felt sure I picked up one person who kept coming back! I wouldn't trust on it seriously. Some of them seemed like loco! And I am pretty much non judgmental loco myself.

I am not saying I would never ever try it again. BUt going out and socializing more is good too. And probably faster. People say meetup is good too. I have gone to a couple of things non romantic on that. Whatever about meeting someone I did feel totally safe.

Teafor two12345

I wouldn't knock what works for you. I do know a couple who met on one site. They are engaged now etc. But just because it works for one couple doesn't mean it will work for you. And Visa versa.

Honestly there is NO good at dating. You either like each other or you don't feel it at all. And going from strangers to a date rather than meeting at a party can make it hard to feel a connection.

So that's my experience. I did see though how many really hot guys and cool people there are in this city though! But they could even be totally nice and yet something said 'I don't know this person'. It would feel so weird and against my gut to meet them on a date. But that's not to say it won't feel right for you.

GO with your gut I guess. If you have common sense. And yeah don't take it too seriously.

Teafor two12345

Oh yeah better safe and single.... than sorry.

dudara

@Teafor two12345 please try to post just once, rather than multiple posts, one after the other. Otherwise, it just feels noisy.

dudara

liquoriceall

Ah OP I think you're being a bit dramatic with the "he used me" thing! You kissed, there was nothing there. It happens! I have been on more dates than I care to think of but I have had fun on the majority, even if I wasn't into the person I relaxed and had fun....life is too short! The majority of mine have been from online and I think you need to just have a bit of sense to spot the oddballs! Go back online and enjoy, don't spend ages chatting arrange to meet reasonably quickly so that you aren't too emotionally invested before you know if there's a spark. Good luck

LegacyUser

Thanks.I am already back online.:)
I get I over reacted but it was more about how he behaved afterwards.
I felt like saying am I boring you or getting up and leaving.I didn't do either but would any of ye?
I couldn't get over how someone could be all over you one minute and ignoring you the next.
I.know I'm polite but I guess everyone is not.

Would any of ye just have got up and left or just sit through the free meal!

zionbiz

Just keep digging on it, knowing fully well that lots of lads who don't fit in will show up, you just need to know what you want for yourself and not just every dodo that parade himself to you, you will accept, check them out, one day you will meet the one that will love you for real.

LegacyUser

Oh I know what I want.I have turned down second dates before but never have I been rude to anyone I didn't like on the date. It is just courtesy to be polite.It's the way I was brought up.

I think if any guy is constantly on his ph on a future date, I will get up and leave.
I think I didn't last time was because we had spent the whole day together and was nice and I guess I was kinda hoping he liked me but deep down I knew he was giving me a hint.
He had said earlier that we were going for dinner and he was nice enough to go ahead and bring me and pay so suppose he wasn't the worst .

There will always be a first time for everything and I'm sure that won't be my worst one by any means.

Wompa1

A grown man that uses a woman for kissing...I've never heard of it before. I guess it's possible but kissing is quite an intimate thing when you're older...it's not something you tend to use somebody for. It's possible something changed his mood. Something upset him. Maybe it was the kiss, maybe it wasn't good. I had that before..the first kiss just put me completely off her.

It's also possible. If he's a grown @ss man that was out all day with you that he looked at his phone and had a shed load of notifications. He may be in a situation with work or even a personal situation which might mean he has to be on the ball, somewhat.

Teafor two12345

I am married now OP. But the brief experience I had before pretty much told me something that is not pc to say.

The guy son online dating sites are mostly losers. I told a gf and she was like well what do you expect, of course, they are?

You are wasting your time.
That's just my opinion though.

amdublin

Fire111 wrote: »

Thanks.I am already back online.:)
I get I over reacted but it was more about how he behaved afterwards.
I felt like saying am I boring you or getting up and leaving.I didn't do either but would any of ye?
I couldn't get over how someone could be all over you one minute and ignoring you the next.
I.know I'm polite but I guess everyone is not.

Would any of ye just have got up and left or just sit through the free meal!

Just wondering how you knew it was a "free meal"?!


Do you tend to split on a date or just let him pay?

Teafor two12345

amdublin wrote: »

Just wondering how you knew it was a "free meal"?!


Do you tend to split on a date or just let him pay?

let him pay! :-)
He gets to score points!

Teafortwo, you were asked to tone it down a little on the posting.
Please don't call people losers for dating online thanks.

Tigger99

I've met some lovely guys through online dating.I don't think I met one loser I think we tend to attract like with like.

As for the poster who mentioned scoring points? Crude and naive. Awful way of categorising men. Thankfully my friends don't think of men that way.

Fire111

Fire111 wrote: »

My gut instinct though is telling me he used me. Usually right

Men are different, they kiss to perhaps get turned on but women generally don't kiss if not interested.Not all woman but some.Anyway it's always hard when one likes and other doesn't.
Moving on to next one now and won't be texting him again.:)

Nothing that you said gives me any impression whatsoever that he "used" you. Anything could have happened on the date.. Something that might have been said, the kiss might have been bad, it didn't go as well as you had thought.

Sure the usage of the phone was an asshole move, when he should have ended the date when he realized it wasn't for him.

amdublin

Teafor two12345 wrote: »

let him pay! :-)
He gets to score points!

I didn't ask you. I asked the op.

The question was not to start a discussion it was intended to assist the op i.e. does she always assume the man will pay/does she offer to pay/does she offer to split/had it been agreed he would pay on this occasion?

LegacyUser

Forgot to mention, He also kissed on lips at end of date whatever that was all about..I guess that was a good bye ha.

No, I don't expect a guy to pay everything, far from it.Had been arranged before he was paying.I always pay my way and pay for drinks etc when out.An ex of mine actually told me that I was far too generous.

I have met some nice guys online.I don't think they are all losers.

Had another date at the weekend and it went very well.
I was very open, flirty and chatty. I think before I was always watching and overthinking before I spoke!
Thanks all for your advice and especially you Beks.I took everything you said into account, was myself and he liked me so looks like there will be a second date!

LegacyUser

Oh yeah, his job does not require him to be on his phone.I know this for a fact. He was replying to some other potential date, I would imagine which was v rude.I don't know for certain but as I said before always trust your gut instinct.

LolaJJ

Hey OP,
I'm 34 and have had a bit of experience dabbling in the various methods of online dating. I think the first one or 2 people you meet that way teach you a lot. I've learned not to get invested (at all) until or if it gets to a place where there is some form of connection - beyond the "where do I stand phase" Otherwise you'll just torture yourself

Also, it's not just about whether or not he likes you, it's also important that you like him, do you want to be with someone who is on their phone when you're doing stuff? For some people that's OK, for others (myself included) it's a little rude.

On a side note, although there are really very nice and genuine people on internet sites and apps there is A LOT of people who use it to color up their social and sex lives and just have a bit of attention here and there. There are a lot of people who don't know what they want and a lot of people who are in relationships or recently broken up and are looking to fill a void- in fact, from my personal experience, I have found the good people to be in the minority.

That said, I've heard some wonderful stories so don't let one bad experience dull your enthusiasm, just learn from it
x

road_high

Fire111 wrote: »

Oh yeah, his job does not require him to be on his phone.I know this for a fact. He was replying to some other potential date, I would imagine which was v rude.I don't know for certain but as I said before always trust your gut instinct.

Christ if that's true talk about a lucky escape...there's a lot treat online dating and the people they meet as almost a commodity, and he sounds like one of them.
Rather than showing some basic manners and engaging with you regardless of whether he thought it was going anywhere, he's on the phone to someone or something he considers more important. That ain't a good mark of a man at all.

Emme

Fire111 wrote: »

Forgot to mention, He also kissed on lips at end of date whatever that was all about..I guess that was a good bye ha.

No, I don't expect a guy to pay everything, far from it.Had been arranged before he was paying.I always pay my way and pay for drinks etc when out.An ex of mine actually told me that I was far too generous.

I have met some nice guys online.I don't think they are all losers.

Had another date at the weekend and it went very well.
I was very open, flirty and chatty. I think before I was always watching and overthinking before I spoke!
Thanks all for your advice and especially you Beks.I took everything you said into account, was myself and he liked me so looks like there will be a second date!

I hope it goes well for you this time.

It's assumed now that people are dating more than one person unless they have the talk about being exclusive. Online dating is a bit like a sweetshop for men, especially as they get into their 30s and beyond. The guy who didn't ask you out again was probably seeing a number of other women and decided he didn't want to see any of you again or he liked somebody else more. It's the luck of the draw.

I would advise you to keep your options open until you meet somebody you like enough to be exclusive with.