Distancing self from family?

LegacyUser

Hello, I'm not really sure if posting here is wise/if it will give insight/help/if anyone will even respond, but I don't really have anybody to talk this through with so I'll just type on a screen!

I wonder if anyone has any thoughts on whether overall it is a good idea to try and help, understand, listen , have empathy for family members. Or whether if it is becoming too much of a drain on oneself personally to distance oneself.

Im in my late twenties, an adult, not a fully functioning one but I try to plod along. I obviously love my family BUT. My parents have been going through what seems endless years of discontentment. I get requested to come home, it'll be good to see you, etc etc. I foolishly anticipate some normalcy.

Quite often I return to arguments. Quite often I return to someone who is fond of alcohol but cannot handle alcohol and therefore directs abusive comments to their spouse and also to me on occasion (I have been told I am strange, odd, when v.drunk rambles of I hate such and such and I hate you). Quite often I feel sorry for this person because it is obvious that they are depressed yet will not seek help, maybe has taken antidepressants here and there but to my knowledge not maintained. I feel sorry for this person because sometimes they have a heart of gold, yet others can say the most hurtful things that chips and chips away at people.

Both vent to me about the other, years and years of this, of listening, of trying to provide perspective or an ear for each, even if I am in disagreement with some of the horrible things said from one side. Sometimes it has been obvious when too much has been offloaded and I retreat and give minimal communication, and then a flurry of niceties are communicated to me and obviously I have much love for my family and want to try and maintain as good a relationship as I can with parents and nearby siblings (they have their own families now, I on the otherhand don't). And so I return, to quite often more of the same toxicity in homeplace.

I feel guilty if I distance myself and even lonely in the world but I feel sometimes so upset after spending time at home that I just don't know why I bother. I'm not sure why i'm posting here as I have no specific question I guess. Am I best to completely distance myself from homestead? Or might there be any recommendations of strategies on how to proceed healthily.

If you have made it to the end of this ramble, you must have the patience of a saint

Shrap

Sounds like a very toxic environment and it's good you're out of it now. I'm sure it would be a wrench to both you and your parents if you were to stay away, but every time I hear about situations like this (and my own best friend has parents who similarly will verbally lash out under the influence....which is every day) I feel that the only option is to stop visiting.

a) It does you no good to visit - you end up feeling awful from the things said to you
b) It does them no good, except that they miss you and your visit alleviates that somewhat
c) You can't be "piggy in the middle" for them to score points off each other and you clearly aren't tough enough yet to stop them.

....so, rather than give in to the "requests" to come home (which presumably come during a time of day when alcohol isn't a factor and are therefore polite and loving), why not say it out to them the next time a request comes and speak your mind? "I won't be coming to visit because of the verbal abuse I get every time and because I can't help you in your situation", BUT you could request that either or both of them visit you instead? Or suggest meeting up in a town for lunch or a bit of shopping? I think you should try to extract yourself from this obligation to go there and be verbally abused OP.

HelgaWard

Would it be possibly to just do a day visit? Maybe you are based too far away, but if you could arrive in the morning, have a bit of lunch and head off early afternoon, could you avoid the drinking hours and get a visit in without the drama?

LegacyUser

Hi OP here, just wanted to say thanks to both of you for taking time to respond. Unfortunately day trips aren’t a goer really...but it would be a magnificent solution It is a bit of a case of distance and well I sadly don’t have a motor currently, broke.com, but I hope to in the future so will keep my visits to daytripping then

I think I will try again to have that steady talk again of setting some groundrules alright when I do visit and the idea of asking them to visit is another! Thank you.

I was a bit tired and emotional when I wrote my original post so it was a bit melodramatic. Things could be worse I guess! Will continue to try get on with them as best I can, yet realise I can’t solve any of their problems. Thanks again.