Think I'm depressed

LegacyUser

Hi all, I'm a regular poster on Boards but for obvious reasons would rather go anonymous on this one.

I'm a 30 year old female and have never had a serious relationship and lately I have been getting more and more anxious and worried that I never will. I'm beginning to realise that I have very low self confidence and self esteem and that I'm absolutely petrified of getting into a relationship as I just wouldn't know how to behave. You probably have guessed from this that I am also a virgin, and this is probably the part I am worried about the most. I really want a relationship but at the same time I am terrified.

I am sick to death of "going out" with the hope of perhaps meeting someone and it never works. I have been online briefly and went on one date and nothing came of it but if I'm honest I just don't feel comfortable with the online world when it comes to dating. I'm just generally very shy when it comes to the opposite sex, which you would probably never think if you met me.

I live at home with my parents (who are great btw) but they just don't understand how I am feeling. I'm trying to be open and tell my mum what's going on in my head but she just simply says that I sit in most Saturday nights and that I'll never meet anyone that way - the reason I sit in is because my friends don't go out every Saturday night, believe it or not they have lives that don't revolve around going drinking every Saturday, but my mum seems to be convinced that it's the only way I'll meet anyone. Don't get me wrong I like to go out the odd Saturday but I simply don't have the energy or desire to do it every weekend.

I'm been trying to buy my own house for the last number of years and nothing has worked out on that front either, and now the house prices are going up and there is less supply which is making it even harder. There is nothing suitable to rent either, but to be honest if I was to rent it would have to be sharing with strangers and at this stage of my life I don't know if I could handle that; I just want my own space.

I know I sound very negative but I can't help it. I just don't know where to start as regards meeting anyone. I'm told "join something" - but what?? There is nothing that really interests me which would have a lot of men at it. To be honest, I cringe writing something like that, because I don't want to just join something because there's a chance that there could be a man that interests me at it.

I have been doing a lot of crying lately and am so so worried about the future. I've been worrying for the last number of years about not meeting someone and I have been told "of course you'll meet someone, sure look at you, you're very attractive" blah blah, yet here I am in the same position as I was 3/4 years ago. Let me tell everyone out there, it really doesn't matter a damn how you look if you don't have confidence and personality to go with it.

I guess I'm just looking for advice, as I feel like I'm just floating around and whenever I make plans I feel like they should all centre around meeting someone and that I'm wasting time if they don't.

Thanks for reading.

Merkin

OK, I think you need to take a deep breath and really take stock of where your priorities lie. You talk repeatedly about meeting someone but in my humble opinion I think this is nigh on impossible until you are happy in your own skin. It seems perhaps that meeting someone is perceived to be what will 'fix' you.

Your first priority should be moving out of home. I'm afraid to say that living with your parents at thirty really isn't acceptable. On the other hand, you say you don't want to house share at 'this stage of my life'.....I genuinely don't understand that. It's the optimum age to be in a house share, I had some great fun living with people at that stage in my life and at least it will give you more independence.

You need to change your life and by that you need to challenge yourself and make these really fundamental life changes. Expand your social circle. Start dating again (one singular date does NOT a dating officianado make) and use these dates as fun and a way to practice without getting tied up in meeting a life partner. It's really time to grab life by the balls at this stage and when you build your confidence and truly enjoy life and all it has to offer THEN you have a good chance of meeting someone.

You will be fine. Don't be hard on yourself but similarly give your life the shake up that it needs.

LegacyUser

Merkin wrote: »

OK, I think you need to take a deep breath and really take stock of where your priorities lie. You talk repeatedly about meeting someone but in my humble opinion I think this is nigh on impossible until you are happy in your own skin. It seems perhaps that meeting someone is perceived to be what will 'fix' you.

Your first priority should be moving out of home. I'm afraid to say that living with your parents at thirty really isn't acceptable. On the other hand, you say you don't want to house share at 'this stage of my life'.....I genuinely don't understand that. It's the optimum age to be in a house share, I had some great fun living with people at that stage in my life and at least it will give you more independence.

You need to change your life and by that you need to challenge yourself and make these really fundamental life changes. Expand your social circle. Start dating again (one singular date does NOT a dating officianado make) and use these dates as fun and a way to practice without getting tied up in meeting a life partner. It's really time to grab life by the balls at this stage and when you build your confidence and truly enjoy life and all it has to offer THEN you have a good chance of meeting someone.

You will be fine. Don't be hard on yourself but similarly give your life the shake up that it needs.

Thanks Merkin, you are right in a lot of what you say. Believe me I feel pretty embarrassed at this stage about still living at home. However, it's really difficult to even find a place to rent/share that's affordable/halfway decent.

I know I need to change my life but I honestly haven't a clue where to start. I've been saving so long and I really want to have my own place and pay my own mortgage, not someone elses.

I know that one date is nothing - that was just the online thing. I had a brief "thing" (if you can even call it that) 2 years ago when I was on holidays, and I really thought things might start looking up after that, but everything just went back to normal once that ended.

I just can't see myself being like everybody else and being coupled up/married with kids. It's like something that is unattainable for me. A few of my friends are single and every year we say that we are going to go out more and do more things etc. and we never do. I try organising nights out and meetings but most of the time nobody is free or they are tired or have something else going on. It's frustrating.

I'm trying to enjoy my life, but at the same time am very conscious of the fact that I haven't had any relationship experience at 30 and time isn't on my side if I want to start a family etc. I enjoy going out for meals, cinema, walking, reading, baking - but these aren't things that lend themselves to meeting new people. I'm really at a loss at what to do to improve my social circle as I'm not a sporty person at all and other than sports oriented groups there are not a lot of social groups with people my age that I am interested in joining.

You say I should just go on dates and use them as practice; it's not that easy for me, in fact the thought of even going on a date fills me with dread - it's just all so fake to me. I guess I'm just very, very low in confidence and worry too much about what people think of me.

I'm thinking maybe I should do an assertiveness course or confidence course (if there is such a thing?!)

I do appreciate your response though Merkin. Thanks.

pgj2015

lostandlonely123 wrote: »

Thanks Merkin, you are right in a lot of what you say. Believe me I feel pretty embarrassed at this stage about still living at home. However, it's really difficult to even find a place to rent/share that's affordable/halfway decent.

I know I need to change my life but I honestly haven't a clue where to start. I've been saving so long and I really want to have my own place and pay my own mortgage, not someone elses.

I know that one date is nothing - that was just the online thing. I had a brief "thing" (if you can even call it that) 2 years ago when I was on holidays, and I really thought things might start looking up after that, but everything just went back to normal once that ended.

I just can't see myself being like everybody else and being coupled up/married with kids. It's like something that is unattainable for me. A few of my friends are single and every year we say that we are going to go out more and do more things etc. and we never do. I try organising nights out and meetings but most of the time nobody is free or they are tired or have something else going on. It's frustrating.

I'm trying to enjoy my life, but at the same time am very conscious of the fact that I haven't had any relationship experience at 30 and time isn't on my side if I want to start a family etc. I enjoy going out for meals, cinema, walking, reading, baking - but these aren't things that lend themselves to meeting new people. I'm really at a loss at what to do to improve my social circle as I'm not a sporty person at all and other than sports oriented groups there are not a lot of social groups with people my age that I am interested in joining.

You say I should just go on dates and use them as practice; it's not that easy for me, in fact the thought of even going on a date fills me with dread - it's just all so fake to me. I guess I'm just very, very low in confidence and worry too much about what people think of me.

I'm thinking maybe I should do an assertiveness course or confidence course (if there is such a thing?!)

I do appreciate your response though Merkin. Thanks.

you like cinema, walking, dining out, there are plenty of guys out there who will join you at these activities op, maybe give online dating another go, its not just full of sleazy men looking for 1 thing, there are plenty of nice guys on it as well im sure.

santana75

lostandlonely123 wrote: »

I have been doing a lot of crying lately and am so so worried about the future. I've been worrying for the last number of years about not meeting someone and I have been told "of course you'll meet someone, sure look at you, you're very attractive" blah blah, yet here I am in the same position as I was 3/4 years ago. Let me tell everyone out there, it really doesn't matter a damn how you look if you don't have confidence and personality to go with it.

Op this is the thing, if you live in the future and imagine it to be bleak and lonely then you're gonna feel awful all the time. There could be so many things to be happy about, but yet by doing what you're doing, you will destroy any good feelings you have. One of the most important things I've ever learned in life is that you have to be happy where you're at right now, accept yourself. Thinking that if you had a relationship at some stage in the future, and then you'd be happy.......not gonna happen. Im sorry to tell you that, but a lot of people fall into this idea that happiness is somewhere off over the horizon, if only they get have this or that and then they'd be all good. If you stop projecting your imagination into the future, and you start to notice things about your present, right now that are actually really awesome, what happens is you change your vibe. You said yourself, its not about looks, and that is another thing thats one of lifes great truths. Its about your energy, the vibe you give off, and thats down to the quality and content of your thoughts. So imagine walking around, day after day, thinking, Im a virgin, nobody wants a relationship with me, my future is bleak, etc etc. That is gonna create this very down and dreary vibe and all you'll attract to yourself is down and dreary. But imagine walking around thinking, You know what, Ive got a really good heart, I have so much to give to the world, Im attractive sure enough, but Im also a cool person, Im free in my life right now and theres so much I can do, I can go off and have adeventures. Trust me, you walk around thinking that, you'll have this smile plastered all over your face and you'll feel it come from within. And as a consequence of this what happens is, you'll start to notice a change in the way people respond to you. Even strangers on the street. Pick your head up and look people in the face, I guarantee you there'll be a lot of men meeting making eye contact with you and when this happens, its like a energy shot to your state, you'll start to feel really giddy. Which has a knock on effect of making you feel even better.
Its all under your control. The greatest gift we have is the ability to choose. You can choose to look at all you dont have and imagine a bleak future or you can see what you have right now, and see that you have a lot. And when you see the great things you already are and have, you start to feel great, all the bleak thoughts desolve, but your vibe shoots up and the thing about that is, when you appreciate yourself and what you are, you will automatically attract more good feeling and good people and things into your life.
You dont attract good things to you by thinking dreary, downbeat thoughts. You accept and like who you are, own who you are and love who you are. It all comes from that. You seem to have so much going for you, but you dont see it, and thats sad because this happens all the time with people. They dont see who they are and they great things about them, they only see what others have and they imagine they dont measure up and it all goes south from there. Every person has this amazing potential, but so few people tap into it because they dont see how great they are, they dont love themselves. And you can tell the people who love themselves from the ones who dont, their faces are drawn and sad looking, like the life has been sucked out of them. Whereas people who love themselves have theses bright faces full of energy. Dont let your own thinking suck the life out of you because it can. But its a choice and its all up for grabs. You can turn this around, all you have to do is to make a decision to accept and love yourself, to have a sense of entitlement about life and what you will put up with and what you wont. To recognise and acknowledege the great things about yourself(and they're there, 100% guaranteed, you have greatness in you). For whatever reasons your thinking became toxic and you judge yourself. That didnt happen over night and I promise it started to happen when you were too young to notice or do anything about it. So its gonna take time to change that thinking. But you can, and you can start straight away. And when you do start you'll start to notice a difference, in yourself and in how others are responding to you. Do it all the time, its not about going to a bar and hoping you'll meet someone. A wiser fella than myself once said, Dont ever look for love, do what you love and it will find you. Doing what you love comes from accepting and loving yourself. Dont worry about joining clubs or whatever, just work on yourself for now. If theres something you wanna try, something you've always wanted to try, be brave and give it a shot. With no attacment to an outcome. Do it because theres something inside of you guiding you to try this, dont question it, that part of you has wisdom beyong your rational thinking. It doesnt matter a lick if its something men do or not. If you do something because you believe there might be a chance of getting with a man, then you've lost perspective on what really matters to you, you're attached to an outcome and I promise that wont work out. But if you operate from your true inner self, You cant go wrong. You only go off course when you use your thinking too much.
Anyway, my advice is become aware of your thinking, turn it around. You get a choice in how you feel and what happens in the future. If you dont want to go near internet dating, then dont, leave it alone and do what your gut is telling you to do. Dont let anyone tell you otherwise.

LegacyUser

santana75 wrote: »

Op this is the thing, if you live in the future and imagine it to be bleak and lonely then you're gonna feel awful all the time. There could be so many things to be happy about, but yet by doing what you're doing, you will destroy any good feelings you have. One of the most important things I've ever learned in life is that you have to be happy where you're at right now, accept yourself. Thinking that if you had a relationship at some stage in the future, and then you'd be happy.......not gonna happen. Im sorry to tell you that, but a lot of people fall into this idea that happiness is somewhere off over the horizon, if only they get have this or that and then they'd be all good. If you stop projecting your imagination into the future, and you start to notice things about your present, right now that are actually really awesome, what happens is you change your vibe. You said yourself, its not about looks, and that is another thing thats one of lifes great truths. Its about your energy, the vibe you give off, and thats down to the quality and content of your thoughts. So imagine walking around, day after day, thinking, Im a virgin, nobody wants a relationship with me, my future is bleak, etc etc. That is gonna create this very down and dreary vibe and all you'll attract to yourself is down and dreary. But imagine walking around thinking, You know what, Ive got a really good heart, I have so much to give to the world, Im attractive sure enough, but Im also a cool person, Im free in my life right now and theres so much I can do, I can go off and have adeventures. Trust me, you walk around thinking that, you'll have this smile plastered all over your face and you'll feel it come from within. And as a consequence of this what happens is, you'll start to notice a change in the way people respond to you. Even strangers on the street. Pick your head up and look people in the face, I guarantee you there'll be a lot of men meeting making eye contact with you and when this happens, its like a energy shot to your state, you'll start to feel really giddy. Which has a knock on effect of making you feel even better.
Its all under your control. The greatest gift we have is the ability to choose. You can choose to look at all you dont have and imagine a bleak future or you can see what you have right now, and see that you have a lot. And when you see the great things you already are and have, you start to feel great, all the bleak thoughts desolve, but your vibe shoots up and the thing about that is, when you appreciate yourself and what you are, you will automatically attract more good feeling and good people and things into your life.
You dont attract good things to you by thinking dreary, downbeat thoughts. You accept and like who you are, own who you are and love who you are. It all comes from that. You seem to have so much going for you, but you dont see it, and thats sad because this happens all the time with people. They dont see who they are and they great things about them, they only see what others have and they imagine they dont measure up and it all goes south from there. Every person has this amazing potential, but so few people tap into it because they dont see how great they are, they dont love themselves. And you can tell the people who love themselves from the ones who dont, their faces are drawn and sad looking, like the life has been sucked out of them. Whereas people who love themselves have theses bright faces full of energy. Dont let your own thinking suck the life out of you because it can. But its a choice and its all up for grabs. You can turn this around, all you have to do is to make a decision to accept and love yourself, to have a sense of entitlement about life and what you will put up with and what you wont. To recognise and acknowledege the great things about yourself(and they're there, 100% guaranteed, you have greatness in you). For whatever reasons your thinking became toxic and you judge yourself. That didnt happen over night and I promise it started to happen when you were too young to notice or do anything about it. So its gonna take time to change that thinking. But you can, and you can start straight away. And when you do start you'll start to notice a difference, in yourself and in how others are responding to you. Do it all the time, its not about going to a bar and hoping you'll meet someone. A wiser fella than myself once said, Dont ever look for love, do what you love and it will find you. Doing what you love comes from accepting and loving yourself. Dont worry about joining clubs or whatever, just work on yourself for now. If theres something you wanna try, something you've always wanted to try, be brave and give it a shot. With no attacment to an outcome. Do it because theres something inside of you guiding you to try this, dont question it, that part of you has wisdom beyong your rational thinking. It doesnt matter a lick if its something men do or not. If you do something because you believe there might be a chance of getting with a man, then you've lost perspective on what really matters to you, you're attached to an outcome and I promise that wont work out. But if you operate from your true inner self, You cant go wrong. You only go off course when you use your thinking too much.
Anyway, my advice is become aware of your thinking, turn it around. You get a choice in how you feel and what happens in the future. If you dont want to go near internet dating, then dont, leave it alone and do what your gut is telling you to do. Dont let anyone tell you otherwise.

Thank you so much for your lovely post, it had me quite emotional and actually I think you are dead right about these feelings not appearing overnight, they have definitely built up over time. Even when you said to start looking at people in the street I had to laugh because I always avoid eye contact with people when I'm walking around town, I feel quite self conscious and I've never actually told anyone that. I guess it goes deeper than just wanting to meet someone, I guess it's about accepting myself and being positive about what I have now. That is sometimes easier said than done though.

Thanks again.

Sunflower 27

As other have said, your priorities need to be improving your own self esteem and self worth. Until you feel you are a worthwhile, loveable and deserving woman, love will continue to elude you.

You are not desperate at all. You want what most people want - a partner, a companion, someone to grow old with.

Living at home is not ideal at 30. You have a very comfortable safety net there and that is, without you probably even realising, holding you back.

I'd seriously suggest counselling for you to help with your self esteem and to find out what you are really looking for.

In many ways we can be our own worst enemy. Why should you be ashamed of being a virgin? It must be an awful burden on you carrying that around as if it is shameful or embarrassing. You need to let go of these sorts of feelings that are holding you back.

There is no reason AT ALL why you will not meet someone in the future, none at all.

Take back control of your life from now. Invest in yourself and learn to love who you are. Take time to find out what you enjoy - and it doesn't have to be a hobbie with lots of men. Meeting new women is a great way to meet new men as they have male friends.

I think coming on here and posting has been a fantastic first step towards getting out of your life what you want. The only thing holding you back is you. For what it is worth, I met my partner at 39.

Exciting times await, I wish you well