words with housemate

LegacyUser

Hi guys need advice on new housemate - I'm aware this is probably really petty and I know there are much bigger problems in the world. I'm 10 weeks or so into a new house share with 3 others, all girls. We all became close very quickly but recently one of my housemates has really started to get on my nerves.

When we first arrived, she insisted on swapping rooms with one of the other girls as she "needed" the double bed (the rest of us have single beds and we also all have partners that visit the odd time, whereas she is single). The girl she swapped with is very quiet and I don't think she wanted to put up a fight about it so she gave it to her. My problem now is the constant requests to have everything done for her - we're all on good terms and I don't mind throwing on the hot water or picking up milk on my way home if I have time but I'm sick of the group messages being sent out every day now. "Will you get my towels ready for me (heat them on the tank) to have a shower later?" "Will someone make me porridge and bring it into me in bed" "Will someone run and get me a coffee and bring it into bed?" One evening we were all at work or at college while she was at home and she asked "why can't someone take an early bus from college, I have a list of stuff I need on your way back from Lidl".

I haven't followed any of her requests except turning on the immersion the odd time if I'm at home (not "getting her towels ready") but she seems to think whoever is home should have her dinner made and on the table for her when she gets back, if we go to the shop we should buy her a coffee, she even asked me if I'd clean out her wardrobe one day because I was "sitting at home all day" (studying from bed instead of the library because I had a temperature).

Usually I could just pass this off and not comply to all her dinner making requests but lately if I say "no sorry I'm busy" to her group messages, or if I don't reply, I'll get an individual text "where are you" "Are you going to get my coffee then?" "are my towels heated?". How can I bring this up in a way that won't cause offence. I can't ignore it any longer because frankly I'm sick of the messages and the look I get when I come home without a coffee for her. I've tried fobbing it off as a "you must be joking, I'm not your slave!!" kind of thing but she seems pretty oblivious to all hints, or is just a good actress.

strandroad

She's ridiculous! Ask her if her parents were doing it all for her as it's not a done thing in a houseshare at all so you'd like her to stop with these requests.
Are the others running her errands? Does she do anything for them?

Merkin

What the ACTUAL? Seriously? Just ask her what her last maid died of and to cop herself on. I've never heard anything more ridiculous in my life.

Eric Cartman

this person can't be serious. thats just madness to the higher level. If she is this demanding of her housemates I am not for one second surprised she is single.

Diamond Doll

Why are you worried about potentially causing offence? She's the one acting completely unreasonable!

Have you talked to the other housemates about this? Might be best if you all sit down together and present a united front.

Otherwise I'd just blatantly ignore any messages etc, and ignore any dirty looks or bitchy comments you might get as a result. Who the hell does she think she is?

Meauldsegosha

housematefrustration wrote: »

How can I bring this up in a way that won't cause offence.

I don't think you can. She sounds like a prima donna so will take offence no matter how diplomatically you say it. However that shouldn't stop you saying something to her. She has to be told straight that none of you are there to run around after her.

Rubberchikken

Telling her to co on and grow u will only work if all three of you are on board. While even one is even pandering to this girl's demands she'll keep treating all if you like idiots.
It started with her asking the quietest person for the double bed and tbh she's getting away with murder.
Talk to the other two and see what they're willing to do.
If they aren't willing to suort you, i'd advise you to stop, completely, doing anything for her. She's old enough to heat her own towels:)

amdublin

I'd group text her back saying, "lol what did your last slave die of"
Or "lol, is there something wrong with your legs"


And if pushed "why will you not go to lidl for me", I'd be saying "jaysis Mary I've enough doing all my own sh1t without having to do yours as well"

Aimeee

Agree with above poster treat it jokingly (she's surely joking most of the time??).
Are any of the others granting her requests?
Delete her texts right away so you won't be coming accross them over and over, annoying yourself.

kylith

amdublin wrote: »

I'd group text her back saying, "lol what did your last slave die of"
Or "lol, is there something wrong with your legs"


And if pushed "why will you not go to lidl for me", I'd be saying "jaysis Mary I've enough doing all my own sh1t without having to do yours as well"

Absolutely this. Next group text she sends reply to all immediately telling her to get fooked and that none of ye are her lackies.

CaraMay

Do ye really do what she asks? Someone must be if she keeps it up. This is nuts

gline

She needs to be replaced by a new housemate. That is ridiculous behaviour. Housemates dont expect things like that to be done for them.

bur

as mam used to say...'are you an invalid?'

Shrap

Oh wow, what a MASSIVE diva. I'd actually have a great deal of fun winding her up when she sends texts like that. You could ask her if she also wants her panties and socks chilled and a dozen white roses sent to her room every day? Perhaps she'd like her coffee served on a silver tray by a buff man in a tux? Does she need a towel-fluffer before or after them being heated through by the fire of your hearts burning desire to meet her every need?

I suggest you have a bit of fun with this, since you have to live with her (till she throws a huge strop and hopefully moves out, that is).

inforfun

My usual reply to idiots like that: Are your arms in plaster?

Try it op. It really works

ManOfMystery

housematefrustration wrote: »

How can I bring this up in a way that won't cause offence

.... and this is exactly why this person continues to behave like this. I assume that whoever acted as her slave before she moved in with you lot (probably her mother, or some other family member) also didn't want to cause 'offence', so complied with her demands and thus helped to introduce a mindset of her being within her right to bark orders at everyone else.

I'm really genuinely shocked that it's got this far. Ordinarily I'd always advocate the civil approach, discuss things calmly and so on, but to be honest I'd make an exception here - the 2nd time this girl asked for her porridge to be brought to her in bed, I'd have told her to f**k off and do it herself. She has some neck. Why are you worried at all about offending her? She's not one bit bothered about being brazen to everyone else.

Neyite

Well. I've lived with some pretty selfish flatmates in my time but this...

Its not your job to get her towels warmed (FFS!) get her groceries or run around bringing her breakfast in bed. I think that you all need to sit her down and tell her to her face that none of you are her mother. She sounds insufferable, and needs a dose of reality.

One thing you could text back "We are your flatmates, not your mother. If you want your towels warmed/ breakfast in bed, move back home" And ignore her follow up texts when you don't pander to her whims, with a "lol. do one".

With luck, she'll throw a massive princessy tantrum and move home.

lyinghere

She's hilarious. She's clearly fairly unware her behabour is ridiculous. I'd ignore any requests you feel are ridiculous completely. She should get the point.

Taboola

Ah she has to be taking the p1ss?

Why are any of you doing any of the things she asked? She does ever get coffee's for you's? or go to Lild etc?

languagenerd

Is this her first time living away from her parents? Maybe she's genuinely clueless that living with flatmates isn't the same as living with family... If her family always asked each other to do stuff like that, she might not realise that it's not ok to do the same in other households. She'd have to be fairly oblivious though, I've never heard anything like that! And if it's not her first time living on her own, then she must be used to having arguments with housemates about this.

I'd second the suggestion to reply "Sorry, I've enough to be doing myself, I don't have time to do your stuff as well!" and then, when she asks face-to-face, just say politely but firmly, "Look, we're not your parents, and you really need to do this stuff for yourself like everyone else does". Don't argue about it, just tell her no, and get your other flatmates to do the same. And if you feel bad saying it, just keep reminding yourself that she's the one being unreasonable, not you. This is definitely not how houseshares work!

Lux23

I would tell her to f*** off and do it herself, she would take offence either way so you may as well be straight.

LegacyUser

Neyite wrote: »

"We are your flatmates, not your mother. If you want your towels warmed/ breakfast in bed, move back home"

This OP! Stop worrying about offending her, there is no way around this but being direct.

retro:electro

I would have absolutely no problem replying back to her and stating "I havent a notion, cop on to yourself". In fact I would take great pleasure in doing so. What an annoying princess that girl is.

Rekop dog

The fact you're even considering not causing offence shows you're a bit of a doormat and she's been taking advantage of yourself and your housemates weaknesses. She's probably having a good laugh to see how far she can push you guys before a backlash and by the sounds of it she's pushed you far enough without one already.

I've actually got a bit of respect for her. She's doing her while the rest of you are pussyfooting and moaning on the internet.

Tipsy McSwagger

I don't believe a word of what the op is saying.

Sunny Dayz

Seriously can't believe someone would behave like that and ask people to do things like that for them! Or even expect anyone to do those types of things for them. Seriously??!! My own mother wouldn't do anything like that if we asked and if we did we would be told where to go. My husband at a push might entertain me, maybe if I was unwell or if there was something in it for him

LegacyUser

Hi guys it's OP. Wasn't expecting so many responses, so thanks!

Just to clear it up I have never done anything she's asked except for switching on the immersion maybe 2 or 3 times if I was at home at the time and nobody else was. My other housemate to my knowledge hasn't done anything for her either, but I know the third (the girl who swapped rooms with her) has stopped at Centra or Lidl on 2 or 3 occasions to pick up pasta, milk, a roll etc.

This is her 2nd time living away from home but she actually mentioned once that she doesn't speak to any of her flatmates from last year.... lol...

She's been making these requests mostly every day for the past nearly 3 months and I'd say she's been pandered to maybe 5 times in total. She also seems to have an issue with being alone and wants to know the times we are walking to / from college so she has someone to walk with, or go to the cafe or library with. I find this rather annoying as I like my alone time and don't really want her sitting next to me while I try study, so I don't reply.

Next time she asks for something I'll use the "did your legs fall off" or "did your slave call in sick" excuse :P

dudara

@Tipsy McSwagger - Please take the time to read the forum charter. Posts should be considered and constructive. Simply questioning the OP just isn't good enough.

dudara

HiGlo

That's mad that she has lived in a house share before and STILL acts like this...
The fact that she doesn't speak to any of her previous housemates leads me to believe that it will probably be the same outcome with you ladies.

I wouldn't recommend you all sitting down to discuss it with her together as it can look like ganging up on her and that never ends well. Just speak for yourself and let the others do the same if they wish.

You've said that you only act on her request to turn the immersion on (which I think is fair enough and not too cheeky to ask), so I take it you just ignore the other requests? Maybe just keep ignoring them and deleting them so you can dismiss her request and not think about it again. If she brings it up with you in person - to question why you didn't respond or whatever - then I'd just laugh it off or make a joke of it. "oh, you were serious?? hahaha, I totally thought you were taking the piss asking that!" while looking at her with genuine surprise..... Keep that up for a while and if she's still keeping up the requests then I'd flat out say it to her one day.
Just tell her that you don't feel comfortable being constantly asked to do things for her and it makes you feel like a skivvy.... Or whatever way you want to approach it.

I don't think she should be pandered to, but I'm guessing she sees nothing wrong with her behaviour and will probably continue to do it no matter where she lives.

LegacyUser

This is actually hilarious. Your housemate sounds like she is from another planet. I dont even ask my boyfriend but bring me up breakfast in bed! You sound like a very sweet girl to be even considering her feelings here.
I think the suggestion to make a joke of it is spot on. Would love to hear how she reacts to that.
Sure half the fun if moving away from home is warming yourself with your hairdryer and cooking your own noodles! 😆

dudara

I think your last response on this has been very informative. It's possible that your housemate is acting like this as she's lonely or feeling isolated.

It doesn't sound as if her requests are succeeding very often, so you have to ask why is she continuing? I think it's because it's a channel of communication for her, and it's her way of seeking some attention. Not necessarily getting these things done for her. Maybe there's some other way of interacting with her, which in turn might reduce her attention seeking via this channel.

LegacyUser

dudara wrote: »

I think your last response on this has been very informative. It's possible that your housemate is acting like this as she's lonely or feeling isolated.

It doesn't sound as if her requests are succeeding very often, so you have to ask why is she continuing? I think it's because it's a channel of communication for her, and it's her way of seeking some attention. Not necessarily getting these things done for her. Maybe there's some other way of interacting with her, which in turn might reduce her attention seeking via this channel.

This might be the reason, but it's not the OP's problem to sort out. It's not like she's a long term friend having issues (and even if she was, the OP can't be expected to be endlessly patient). She's behaving like an utter princess, and it's not her housemates job to make her feel better about herself.

Maybe she's gotten away with this behaviour in the past, and feels entitled. Maybe she's lonely and using her 'needs' to manipulate her housemates into making her feel that she has friends/people who will pander to her. Whichever reason it is, it's just not acceptable. Like not in a million years remotely trying to be kind to her acceptable.

You know best OP how you'd feel most comfortable knocking her ridiculous requests on the head, whether ignoring them, making the laugh out of them that they deserve, or being up front and telling her how mindblowingly out of line she is. But do not make the mistake of entertaining her princess behaviour for a second. I don't think you are, but I'd include 'walking her to college' in that. Not sure if you're knocking that one on the head.

Plus those who pander to her aren't doing her any favours long term. How on earth would she cope in a job, she'd be gone well before probation ended! Or would she try the princess act in the workplace, hhmm! Does she try the princess thing in college, with lecturers / assignment deadlines / study groups?

liz lemoncello

kylith wrote: »

Absolutely this. Next group text she sends reply to all immediately telling her to get fooked and that none of ye are her lackies.

You might the others are relieved that someone else had the guts to pull her up on this.