Upset by husband's comments :( Am I overreacting?

LegacyUser

I'm sorry if this is in the wrong place, i was between this and TTC and it seemed the best fit.
My husband and I are married 2 years and we are about to start TTC. He has been really into the whole process and can't wait, has been looking after himself physically and doing research etc. We were talking about it all the other night, our hopes, fears etc etc and it all seemed grand.
Now maybe I'm over reacting but one little throwaway comment he made has made me quite upset now that I think about what it was. At the end of our talk I jokingly said that "oh, and we'll surely enjoy the baby making process" to which he replied in a sort of half joking half serious tone "yes we will. And sure we'd better make the most of it too cos once pregnancy happens aint gonna be none anymore". I questioned him on why he meant and he said well between morning sickness, discomfort, feeding, creches, school/activity runs etc etc we'd hardly have time for a sit down and a cup of tea let alone [an extravagance such as] sex.

We have an excellent sex life at the moment but it seems he is content to pretty much jettison and dispense with that completely once we achieve a pregnancy. I don't get it? Of course there may well be some impact on our sex life in the latter stage of my pregnancy and post birth but it should come back at some point. What if we want another baby down the line?

On one hand I feel like he is being a total pessimist and focusing on the negative in this regard. On the other I feel like it's only a silly comment and I'm over reacting like an eejit.

Has anyone come across this before and what should I say. thanks.

LegacyUser

I think you are over reacting. He is not insinuating that he plans never to have sex with you again! Just that you will have so much responsibility on the arrival of a baby that it will take a while to get back into the swing of things and it will be lower on the list of priorities than it is now.

If anything I think he is being super-supportive as he's hinting that even if sex takes a back seat on the baby's birth he understands why and won't cause a big fuss over it.

bp

Each pregnancy is different. Personally sex was the last thing on my mind. Between sore boobs, tiredness and feeling sick I would have bought him a playboy!!!!

Joking aside everyone is different. Some mem get freaked out think they will hit the baby with their penis and some just don't like the idea. Each to their own

MistyCheese

Well I think, if anything, it's rather nice in a way. The comment - and you say yourself he was half joking - shows that he understands the two of you may be shattered looking after a baby
He's right. I get that you're probably thinking that the two of you can have a perfectly happy sexlife if you both prioritise it strongly enough and you're right too but it's good to take the pressure off. Ttc can get pressurised if things start to take a bit longer than you hope it will. For both the man and the woman. So I think the best attitude to have is to relax and enjoy it, don't worry if it doesn't happen first time, or second time, and agree to regroup in X months (6 months, 9 months, maybe even 12 months depending on your ages) to see how you're both feeling about the process and if either of you would like some additional help.

Best of luck with it.

LegacyUser

Thanks for your kind words. He is very understanding of me in all facets of the relationship but with the tone he used I'm getting that he was serious and meant that once we got pregnant and the baby arrives that it would be the end of our sex life.

pwurple

You are overreacting, but I understand why. TTC can be very stressful, and if it goes on any amount of time it can cause all sorts of problems like feeling inadequate, like a failure, like a nag and takes the joy out of it completely.

If anything, your husband's comment was positive. He expects it to work (positive) and expects a baby to change your life (positive) and was making a joke that maybe he has heard before from his friends or family.

CaraMay

You really need to ask him op. This is one that none of us can answer

Flippyfloppy

From reading your post my take is that he's being quite realistic, and that's not a bad thing, as he's accepting of it. Some couples aren't aware of how their sex life will be affected after babies, so it's good to go into it with eyes open. (We weren't aware of how babies would affect us in several ways) The trick is to make sure to make time for intimacy when you have a family. Regarding sex during pregnancy, some couples rate it as the best they have, especially during the second trimester!

Another thing is, is your worry that he's willing to forgo your sex life ? Have you always had a higher sex drive/ are you the one who initiates more often...so are you now worried that he's giving up so to speak?

LegacyUser

I discussed it with him over tea earlier (we're takin 2 long weekends away. yay.)
He's saying that he's being that sex simply won't be possible realistically once we have the baby because of practical reasons and during pregnancy. He also said that once baby is a toddler we'll be in our mid 30s and then its natural for sex drive to diminish anyway.

Our sex drives would be on a par I'd say, either of us could initiate usually.

The whole weekend away thing is incidentally his idea too now that I think of it. We've gone away a fair bit in the last year. He's been harping on that we should do these things now while we can because we won't be able to later.

He seems to have an almost wholly negative outlook on our relationship after becoming parents and I find it quite upsetting. He is oblivious to it and thinks of it as the norm.

His whole attitude is putting me right off of it. I don't think I have rose tinted glasses either. Do I?

LegacyUser

Another thing that just occurred to me regarding his subtle and low key but universal pessimism is that he has on occasion commented on the perceived plights of his sister and one of my friends. Once or twice he has mentioned, in passing, that his sister is a shadow of her former self since having 2 kids - he described her as perpetually stressed out and run off her feet without a minute to do anything for her own self. He describes her husband as an utter clown and no help to her despite him owning a very successful business. He often expresses a sort of sympathy for my friend who has 2 kids and once imagined her life as a "meaningless rat race of creches and aunties".

On reflecting on things I think he has a deeply divided outlook and conflicting sense of what parenting is going to be like. On the one hand he has an unnecessarily negative impression of being a parent is like but on the other he is overjoyed at the thought of being a father.

JanaMay

I agree with the other posters who said that it seems like he's being super-supportive of you. He's been so active so far in changing his lifestyle etc to try for a baby. He sounds to me as if he's heard from other people that pregnancy/childbirth/bringing up children can impinge on, not only sex drive, but also on time available for sex.

Some pregnant women have lowered libidos, some have raised ones, sometimes they're tired/uncomfortable/nervous. Some new mothers are exhausted and some relish the snatched moments they get with their husband.

He sounds really supportive, as if he's already letting you know that even if it doesn't happen as often as it does now, he'll understand.

Talk to him about it, but it seems to be his way of showing how understanding he will be if you don't feel up for sex. We've all heard these throwaway comments but a lot of the time they're just things peole say. Sex lives don't end with pregnancy and parenthood! But if it does happen that you don't feel up for it for a while, you can rest assured that you have an understanding man by your side.

Rubberchikken

i think deep down he worried about the whole process. some people will hide their fears behind flippant remarks. it's great that he sounds like a good person, seems to be looking forward to the whole process (so to speak), but talk with him again.
would you have any idea what his parents married life is/was like?

LegacyUser

His relationship with his parents and his sister and 2 brothers has always be fine and normal from what I can gather. His father died on 2011 which was tough for him as they were very close but he coped well and carried on, it isn't an issue.
I'm not aware of anything out of the ordinary in the relationship between his parents. As far as I am aware it was all pretty normal.

He might be hiding his fears. I wonder what the nature of them is... I know he wants kids but he might be terrified of the effect kids will have on us, both as individuals and as a couple? Fear of having so many restrictions & limitations? I just don't know.

I wonder if I should ask him to consider seeing a counsellor? Perhaps we should delay ttc until he has fully explored these issues? I'm seriously feeling this way now. I'm worried that it might be a deal breaker and if its preferable it were so prior to a baby rather than after.

Penny Dreadful

upsetbyhusband2015 wrote: »

I discussed it with him over tea earlier (we're takin 2 long weekends away. yay.)
He's saying that he's being that sex simply won't be possible realistically once we have the baby because of practical reasons and during pregnancy. He also said that once baby is a toddler we'll be in our mid 30s and then its natural for sex drive to diminish anyway.

Our sex drives would be on a par I'd say, either of us could initiate usually.

The whole weekend away thing is incidentally his idea too now that I think of it. We've gone away a fair bit in the last year. He's been harping on that we should do these things now while we can because we won't be able to later.

He seems to have an almost wholly negative outlook on our relationship after becoming parents and I find it quite upsetting. He is oblivious to it and thinks of it as the norm.

His whole attitude is putting me right off of it. I don't think I have rose tinted glasses either. Do I?

How does your husband think other people manage to have more than one child? I'm currently pregnant with our second child (have a 13 month old girl) and in spite of a few complications post delivery, the onset of rheumatoid arthritis, completing an MSc (for him) and having a hectic job and my (granted recent) return to work we never said goodbye to our sex life.

You may not have morning sickness, I didnt, you will be tired and have sore boobs and all that jazz but it doesn't last forever.
Being pregnant on your first baby is a fantastic special experience where you have all the time in the world to marvel at the amazing thing that's happening to you both. We went away on lots of little mini moons or baby moons knowing that we couldn't do it with such ease in anything other than our first.

Your baby will change your life, there are no two ways about it. You will still be you though and you will still be a couple not just someone's parents.

nikkibikki

upsetbyhusband2015 wrote: »

He also said that once baby is a toddler we'll be in our mid 30s and then its natural for sex drive to diminish anyway.

Sh!t, I'm nearly 35! When is this supposed to happen?? Dreading it!

Is he saying he won't want to have sex once you're pregnant? Some guys don't, some women don't, it's a personal preference. Me, personally, I couldn't have gone without for that long! Neither could my husband! Even though my last pregnancy was twins and I was HUGE, we still managed it until quite late by being very inventive! Intimacy is an important part of a relationship so ye might need to just make time for eachother. It's important to look after ye're relationship as well, it's important for ye're future kids that ye do.

It's something ye need to talk out together it seems. Life as a mother doesn't have to be as mental as you describe those other two ladies. Yes, your priorities change and that but of course that's obvious. Ye will make ye're own life and it's doesn't have to be like his sister or his friend. Ye will find ye're own balance of what works for ye.

Good luck with the TTC! Hope it's a short journey for you and that you're pregnant in no time!

LegacyUser

I'll probably be lambasted for this but here goes.

To be honest, you get out of your relationship what you put into it and I'm slightly shocked by some of your husband's notions.
If someone had told me in my 20s that my sex drive would diminish in my 30s, I'd seriously have considered whether to have children. Yet somehow, I managed to have gorgeous children(& find time to breastfeed them), a successful career and a sex life! And I still have all that in my 40s.(minus the breast milk )

You might have to make more of an effort when children arrive, but it's doable and can still be great.
It's about prioritising.
Some people would spend hours cleaning their house and then moan that they're too tired for sex.
I'd rather forego the unnecessary housework and have a good sex life - but each to their own . Let's face it, with mod cons, housework shouldn't take forever, we live in a push button society -I know which buttons I'd rather be pushing!
Babies and toddlers can fit into a routine very easily -it takes some organising but is doable.

But I genuinely feel if you (either together or either of you) go into this parenthood projecting this negative attitude, well, you'll stress yourselves out almost immediately.

And before anyone wonders, we had no family living nearby to support us when we started our family, but finding a childminder made the difference.

Up to you both- but life doesn't end when you have children -far from it. It's just a new, very different chapter.

Flippyfloppy

I'd be inclined to think that he'll realize things aren't as tough once you start having kids. I can understand upon hearing more of his thoughts why you're bothered by it, as he's putting sort of a dampener on your plans. Although it's still kind of good that he's willing to 'give up his life' to bring kids into the world. I think having kids is a whole new exciting & lovely beginning in life, rather than the end!

Does he have any friends or know any other people who have had kids? Perhaps he knows little people so all he observes is the perceived bad?

I really don't know where he's getting that sex drive dimishes in your mid thirties? I think he's in for a nice surprise there. I'm not there yet, but as far as I knew people having better sex the more mature & confident they get? I assumed it wouldn't really diminish until your sixties!!?

LegacyUser

To be honest...I think he sounds a bit worried about the unknown-ness of having a baby.He kind of sounds like he's assuming the worst case scenario because he doesn't have a clue what lies ahead.To be fair, that's not a bad thing, more that he's trying to prepare himself and you, and that's his way of doing it.I know many men that feel a bit lost when trying for kids because it IS all about the woman (once theh've done their part!!) And they do get a bit sidelined.And men like to be in control, managing the situation...this is one of the few times that things are totally beyond their control.

As parents of a 15 mth old what I can tell you is that he and you have no clue about the emotional side of this.Everyone talks about kids in practicalities but nobody-nobody- truly realises what a child does for you or to you, until you're holding it.It absolutely blows you away.I know my own husband was clueless on the baby front until the day she was born. I think he fell in love with me all over again, which I didn't realise for a while.He told me a few days later that it made him realise the true meaning of love (yes I cried then!!!) .The whole experience is
beyond description emotionally.

The best I can say is to try to tell your husband to adopt an open mind and realise you don't really know what it will be like until you go through with it, and don't say too much else.It's hard but you just have to sit back and wait for it all to happen.And watch nature take its course.

zeffabelli

Don't let this under your skin.

It's a stressful time and people use humour to take the sting out of it.

Children do change you, your time, your desires abd your energy.

Pregnancy can turn a woman off sex or turn her into a hormonal Sex addict.

No ones what's around these corners.

Dismiss and keep moving.

OneOfThem

upsetbyhusband2015 wrote: »

I discussed it with him over tea earlier (we're takin 2 long weekends away. yay.)
He's saying that he's being that sex simply won't be possible realistically once we have the baby because of practical reasons and during pregnancy. He also said that once baby is a toddler we'll be in our mid 30s and then its natural for sex drive to diminish anyway.

Our sex drives would be on a par I'd say, either of us could initiate usually.

The whole weekend away thing is incidentally his idea too now that I think of it. We've gone away a fair bit in the last year. He's been harping on that we should do these things now while we can because we won't be able to later.

He seems to have an almost wholly negative outlook on our relationship after becoming parents and I find it quite upsetting. He is oblivious to it and thinks of it as the norm.

His whole attitude is putting me right off of it. I don't think I have rose tinted glasses either. Do I?

I've gotta be honest. This kind of attitude would scare the be jaysus of of me. I also think there's a little bit of a double standard kind of thing at play here. I think if this was a woman that had said this to a man and he was posting here saying "Yeah so my gf says that sex is almost certainly done with in our relationship, from the moment she gets pregnant and into the foreseeable future, but sure what harm, we probably won't want aa decent sex life in our 30's anyway" people'd be telling him to run for the fvcking hills, not saying she's being realistic or supportive.

It's not at all unreasonable or an overreaction for you to be worried about your partner talking about the imminent and unavoidable immediate death of your sex life together.

I think you need to make it very very very clear to him that that's quite simply not going to be the kind of relationship type you're going to happily be dragged into. And that you're extremely concerned that it seems to be something he considers as normal, unavoidable, and not a big deal.

If it was me I'd be on triple birth control until if, and or when, I got some clarity that he's apparently just gone temporarily mental and is saying things he doesn't mean, is speaking out of a deep fear of what might happen that he is hoping your will be able to put at ease, or making a joke you just didn't really get.

Jesus... No you're not over reacting.

meeeeh

I think he is too pessimistic and you could be too optimistic. A lot of parents have diminished sex life in the first year and also you have to be more organized and plan when you will have time. It doesn't go away unless you want it to. But there could be some unexpected issues we went without sex for one pregnancy because we were advised to after I miscarried couple of times. Anything can happen so I really wouldn't read too much into a comment like that, I'm pretty sure it will not go according to your or his expectations because it almost never does.

Btw weekends away don't necessary end but you do spend an awful lot of time feeding ducks.

Detached Retina

Sounds like he may have done too much research Everyones experience is different to a degree, straw polls of colleagues and friends can lend to some negative perceptions, but it's good that he's still excited at the prospect of being a father despite them. His acceptance that the sex life may wane initially may be of benefit (rather than if you're maybe not feeling that great and he'd be counting the minutes to the six week check:mad:) Though some people I know were feeling amorous soon after and had a babies that slept a lot (one couple have 3 kids about 11 months apart now mind:eek:) .
Had a male colleague tell me when I announce I was expecting my first tell me "it's going to be terrible, screaming, no sleep, no sex no social life or life in general, holidays (he had 2 toddlers) - you'll be wrecked!" When I came back off maternity I said to him wtf were you on about, it was great despite some of those things you miserable fecker! He'd changed his attitude mentioning that he was delighted now, that his were still young, but older & talking and like little people now, could share his hobbies and enjoy a holiday, some nights out and life was good :pac: "oh, never know, night go for another".

Bananaleaf

OP - does he definitely want children, or is he just going along with it because he knows you want them and feels it's part of what he has to do rather than what he wants?

Apologies for sounding so negative, but it sounds to me like he wouldn't have children, at least not yet, if he had his way. However, he seems to be prepared to put aside what he wants for you which is nice. But for me, wouldn't be ideal.

dudara

@killerkitty - Welcome to Boards. I have deleted your post as it was just a single word, and not to the standard required here in PI. Posts should offer considered advice. I'd recommend having a read of the charter before posting again.

dudara

Calibos

I would have thought that this was him trying to put you at ease that he isn't like all of those guys that joke about sex drying up when the ring is put on the finger or the babies start arriving. He was letting you know that he wouldn't be pressuring you for sex, that he understands how things won't necessarily stay the same with regard to your sex life. He'll be thrilled if it does but he understands if it doesn't.

OP's take away from this?

OMG, Does he still love me? Does he not find me attractive or sexy anymore? Does he not want to jump my bones anymore?

NO! He loves you so much he'll understand and compromise in any way you need him to.

Diamond Doll

Right, my own take on this, from personal experience.

My boyfriend and I never thought about how pregnancy would affect our sex life, but then again, we hadn't planned the pregnancy. When I did get pregnant, I bled daily for maybe the first three months or so. And I had pretty bad nausea and vomiting for the first six months. Between all that, sex was out of the question. We did attempt it a couple of times around the beginning of the third trimester, but of course by then I had a big bump and a baby that I could feel moving around inside me, so it didn't feel right or natural to suddenly start having sex again at that stage ... so we gave up on it. So it was nine months without sex.

And yeah, it did affect our relationship. We became best friends who lived together - who still loved and liked each other a lot, who got on brilliantly ... but definitely "friends" moreso than partners. While we resumed our sex life not too long after the birth, and had regular(ish) sex for many months afterwards ... the spark in the relationship was gone. Certainly not helped by my post natal mental health issues, and his inability to recognise or support me with these. We broke up (on very bitter, acrimonious terms) when our son was 18 months old.

So I think it's a really brilliant positive sign that your husband is actually aware of the "worst case scenarios" and is acknowledging and accepting them as something that might happen. He's obviously done his research! I see it that he's aware of what could happen, has considered it and accepted it and planned for it, and yet he still loves you so much and wants a baby with you so much that he's willing to sacrifice your sex life for as long as it takes - IF it comes to that. It probably won't.

I think it's great that he's willing to consider the worst "what ifs" and wants to do it anyways. I think that you maybe need to be a little bit more realistic about the same "what ifs" ... it's certainly perfectly possible to continue with a healthy sex life during and after pregnancy, but it doesn't always happen that way, and before you get pregnant you need to be prepared for any eventuality.

zeffabelli

Honestly, this could have been a nervous passing joke and people are reading way way way toooooo much into it.

Shrap

upsetbyhusband2015 wrote: »

Once or twice he has mentioned, in passing, that his sister is a shadow of her former self since having 2 kids - he described her as perpetually stressed out and run off her feet without a minute to do anything for her own self. He describes her husband as an utter clown and no help to her despite him owning a very successful business. He often expresses a sort of sympathy for my friend who has 2 kids and once imagined her life as a "meaningless rat race of creches and aunties".

Oh my God, he's a keeper! That he's recognising the huge, massive pitfalls that people fall into when they're in relationships where the work-load isn't shared.....that he's looking on at parents who don't get their work/life balance right and is determined not to be like that.....Jaysus woman, as an outsider looking at this I'm seeing no pessimism at all (especially no sign of "universal" pessimism). I'm seeing a determined father-to-be who would never fall down on the job.

As for the sex-life comments, I'm thinking your self-esteem has taken a knock unnecessarily. Genuinely looks to me like he's reassuring you that sex isn't the be all and end all of your relationship (although that seems to have come as a bit of a surprise to you?!) and that if (for any reason, like having kids) there was a lull in your one-to-one time, he's not one to go running off.

I'm liking your fella. Sounds like mine, and he's definitely a keeper

Wompa1

I'm a male. My OH is 6 months pregnant.

I'm under no illusions that we'll have a lot less s3x...I think that's a given. We'll have a lot less time for each other or even just for ourselves than we have now.

We can still show affection in other ways

orthsquel

OP I'd be a lot happier to know someone has a stark realistic borderline pessimistic view of what life will be like after a baby... at least they have themselves prepared for what is a change in your life and how you live it rather than being filled with some idealistic notion of it being sunshine and rainbows, a walk in the park, and easy without any sacrifice or compromise.

upsetbyhusband2015 wrote: »

He's been harping on that we should do these things now while we can because we won't be able to later.

the bit about the sex drive after mid 30s hmm don't know about that, perhaps that is down to the individual rather than a blanket generalisation. But there is a possibility that with a newborn and finding your feet as parents you won't have the energy or the time for sex save unless you make intimacy a priority and make an effort to take time for yourselves as a couple from time to time.

There are things that you might not be able to do once baby comes along.. a child is a responsibility and some things (but not all things) may have to be put on the back burner or where things need to be more planned, organised and routine rather than spontaneous such as a weekend away without baby and baby's stuff or without organising someone to mind the child. You can still do all the things you are used to do (within reason) but it just requires more thought, organisation and work.

upsetbyhusband2015 wrote: »

he has on occasion commented on the perceived plights of his sister and one of my friends. Once or twice he has mentioned, in passing, that his sister is a shadow of her former self since having 2 kids - he described her as perpetually stressed out and run off her feet without a minute to do anything for her own self. He describes her husband as an utter clown and no help to her despite him owning a very successful business. He often expresses a sort of sympathy for my friend who has 2 kids and once imagined her life as a "meaningless rat race of creches and aunties".

upsetbyhusband2015 wrote: »

I know he wants kids but he might be terrified of the effect kids will have on us, both as individuals and as a couple? Fear of having so many restrictions & limitations? I just don't know.

Perhaps he is on the outside looking in making assumptions about the nature of those people's activities without the proper context. Perhaps he doesn't want to be at all like his sister's husband (as he perceives them) and doesn't want either you or him to be in either situation as described above like your friend. I would be of the understanding that he wants to be better than that and want a better life than that for both of you. And perhaps he is worried about how is that going to be delivered and what if he can't handle the reality or he drops the ball on his side. I would sense perhaps insecurities on his side about being a parent and the responsibility of it.

He may be pragmatic in his view but at least he doesn't have his head in the clouds believing that life continues as normal uninterrupted. The positive I see in all this is that you can talk about this further (and I think you should), that at least he is aware there will be changes and sacrifice - even if he believes some to be permanent rather than temporary - and that if he is that bit pessimistic he probably will be positively surprised... a lot of it is in the control of both of you to make having a family what it will be rather than accepting it is the end of everything else in life but rearing a child in totality; it doesn't have to be the end of everything else and that is something you both need to discuss further and take control of, rather than letting the circumstance of having a family control and dictate in totality what you do.