Meeting BF's child

LegacyUser

Hi guys
Just looking for some thoughts or advice from people that may been in similar situations.

My lovely BF has a 7 year old son and also a teenage son.
We've been seeing each other almost 2 years now.
I met the teenager quite early on and get on very well with him.
However the youngest I haven't met; seemingly because he's a bit 'difficult' and wouldn't take kindly to a new person being in Daddy's life.

My BF thinks it's time that I met him though as things are quite serious between us.

He thinks it's best to introduce me as a family friend, even suggesting I be 'Granny's friend' ( as I get on great with my BF's mam) and come to the house now and again to see her whilst the child is there. (BF lives with his parents whilst selling house).
This way he can get used to my presence and we can gradually move on to going out etc and my being Daddy's friend.

I don't know how I feel about this though. Kids aren't stupid and I'm worried that he'll suspect I'm not just a family friend and the suspicion will make things worse.

I just want to get things right and not upset anyone. I have suggested we wait until the child is a little older and might be able to handle the truth but at the same time, I'm excluded from a lot of events with my boyfriend because of his child and it's getting a bit tiresome after nearly 2 years. This is such a big thing in our lives, for me and the BF as well as the child.

(He has joint custody with his ex by the way and has an OK relationship with her; she has no issue with me meeting her son and has even suggested ideas such as lunch so there's no issues on that side.)

Any thoughts?

LegacyUser

Children are like any animal- they will sniff out fear& capitalise on it. This 7yo has been let rule the roost. His mum has no issue with you, his granny has no issue with you, his dad certainly has no issue with you, therefore he should not have an issue either- that is how you should approach this. Does he want his dad to be lonely? Well then.

OhDearyMe

I think your boyfriend needs to introduce you as what you are - his girlfriend. Speaking from experience here (from the child's POV), children adapt. Yes, it might be difficult for him...but that's life. You can't wrap your kids up from the realities of life forever and it seems completely unfeasible and tbh, quite cowardly and a little immature to be putting the inevitable off any longer. How can both of you ever progress as a couple if this child is kept in the dark? Obviously the situation should be dealt with with tact and kindness from both you and your partner and yes, initially it'll be hard but like all things, this child will get used to the idea of you both. 3 important questions you have to consider here:

1) How long is your boyfriend intending to wait before telling him the truth and how can you both continue like a real couple until then?

2) What happens when he finds out you've both been lying to him, even if your intentions are well-meaning?

3) If he's not going to be okay with you now, what makes your partner think he'll be okay with you down the line?


My sibling wasn't happy meeting my parent's new partner in their 20s and I wasn't happy in my early teens. Now is as good as time as any to tell him the truth if you guys really are serious.

That's my two cents anyway.

suicide_circus

I think its unhealthy for a group of adults to be tip-toeing around because a "difficult" 7 year old might throw a tantrum.

LegacyUser

In China, this is referred to as "Little Emperor Syndrome". You're adults, live your lives as adults!

loalae

I think that whatever your boyfriend decides to tell his son is his business but I certainly would not be happy to be introduced as "nan's friend." If I'm honest, I think your bf needs to grow a pair and tell his child he has a girlfriend, that you're super nice and that he would like you guys to meet.

Shrap

Sounds to me OP as if it's your bf who has the most difficulty with his youngest's behaviour. My youngest has severe emotional and behavioural difficulties and his father (who spends far less time with him - 2 days out of every 14) had a significantly worse handle on his behaviour at that age. Nowadays it's better, but at the time his father was very much in the "sweep it under the carpet and avoid, avoid, avoid all situations where the behaviour might be difficult to handle" zone.

I would think that this child's mother knows this and that's why she has suggested being there (am I right to take it up this way with the lunch suggestion?). If that's the case, I think you should tell your bf that you'd be much more comfortable meeting them both at a venue and time of his ex's choosing (as she will know how best to ease the child through it), but as his girlfriend. His ex probably has huge difficulty at this stage in not mentioning you as Dad's girlfriend and will more than likely be really wanting you to meet the child.

From what I can pick up, it's your bf's nerves (probably understandable if he hasn't as good a handle on what mechanisms to use to avoid melt-downs with the child) about how this will go over with the child that is dictating his wrong-footed notions of presenting you as "nan's friend". I suggest you put it gently to him that his ex wouldn't have suggested your meeting if she didn't think she could handle any emotional/behavioural fall out. Put it up to him, but gently, and I think you'll see that it's a problem he has with pre-empting his kid's emotional difficulties. He'll run into more trouble parenting that way tbh.

zeffabelli

Can you say more about being "difficult?"....what does this mean?

Sunny Dayz

7 year olds aren't stupid and it would be far worse if he found out the existence or the truth about you from someone else.
Eg a friend in his school "I saw your daddy holding hands with a woman in town".
You say that you get on with his older son, his mother and his ex is ok with you. Well then that will make things a lot easier as if the young lad sees that everyone else has no problem. It also means that if the child does have a problem with you for whatever reason, you will have the support of his family.
It's like a plaster, the longer to debate it, the more difficult it will be to do it.


Lastly, it's really not fair on you as this guy's partner that you find yourself being excluded from family events because of a 7 year old who doesn't know about you.

LegacyUser

If you lie to the child and they find out and then found their mum and brother know along it will impact far more then just being up front. As it is they will prob have issue with their brother knowing for much longer then them.