Abortion

LegacyUser

Before I start, I just want to say that I am pro choice and I'm not interested in peoples opinions in this regard.

Through my own irresponsibility and a series of failed contraception methods I've found myself pregnant. I am very undecided about what to do. I would like a family one day. I'm single and financially can just about take care of myself & not sure I could manage it with a child. I have a mortgage & maternity benefit would not even cover that so I just don't know how I'd do it. So this probably isn't the best situation to bring a child into. I'm 32 though so the thought is there that it may never happen again and I might regret this for a very long time.

I'm not sure that the father would want to be involved. He's supportive of an abortion but we didn't discuss any other options.

I'd like to know if anyone else has had to go through with an abortion feeling uncertain and how they coped afterwards? I'm already so upset by this I'm afraid of completely falling apart

Merkin

This can be an emotive topic so just to remind people we are not here to debate the perceived rights and wrongs of abortion. Respectful and helpful posting only please, thank you.

Roselm

UNPLANNED wrote: »

Before I start, I just want to say that I am pro choice and I'm not interested in peoples opinions in this regard.

Through my own irresponsibility and a series of failed contraception methods I've found myself pregnant. I am very undecided about what to do. I would like a family one day. I'm single and financially can just about take care of myself & not sure I could manage it with a child. I have a mortgage & maternity benefit would not even cover that so I just don't know how I'd do it. So this probably isn't the best situation to bring a child into. I'm 32 though so the thought is there that it may never happen again and I might regret this for a very long time.

I'm not sure that the father would want to be involved. He's supportive of an abortion but we didn't discuss any other options.

I'd like to know if anyone else has had to go through with an abortion feeling uncertain and how they coped afterwards? I'm already so upset by this I'm afraid of completely falling apart

You poor thing. That's so hard.
I haven't been in the same situation but I just wanted to empathise.
It's so unfair isn't it? You shouldn't have to choose between a house, a job and a child. It's ridiculous.
Does your bank offer the option of a payment holiday so that you could use maternity benefit to live on during maternity leave and then resume mortgage payments after you return to work?

LegacyUser

Firstly, I'm going to say that pregnancy, especially early pregnancy, is hugely emotional.I am in week 17 of my second pregnancy and the first 12 weeks are a total rollercoaster. With the added stress of your situation hanging over you, I can imagine that you are struggling.

I'm afraid I cannot answer your question about abortion.I've never had one.But I am 33 and I do have a small child.On the one hand....it is far and away the best thing I have ever done (to have her).On the other hand, it is the hardest thing I have ever done-and I am married with a supportive husband.

The only person who can make that abortion decision is you I'm afraid.I would really suggest you go and talk to the crisis pregnancy agency to help you.My feeling from reading your post is that you would like to keep the baby but the practical circumstances of it all are worrying you.I don't think anybody can really tell you how you will react to an abortion...as I said, pregnancy is a hugely emotional thing and everyone reacts differently.

Don't be afraid to go and discuss it and ask for help.It is a big thing, and an emotive thing and is probably something you will carry with you for life, regardless of how you might react to it.However at the end of it all, the decision is yours to make, and it will be you going through with it, either way.I wish you the best and please, don't be afraid to ask for help.

Ann84

Hi op, ok so this is a crisis pregnancy, crisis being the operative word... I was in your shoes, and it is very very difficult...

My only advice is to go with your gut, don't be driven by fear... Fear of money worries, or fear of not having another chance, fear of being alone or any other fears!! The only way you will not regret the decision you make (either way) is if it's the decision you feel is right, right now... No one knows what the future holds so don't make decisions based on a fantasy future you can't predict...

Being a single parent is hard, share parenting with a person you don't love is hard and complicated but if it's what you want to do, it's totally doable...
If it's not, you can do it differently hopefully if/ when you are ready... There is no wrong choice, just the wrong/ right choice for you! I know that is hard but try to take some time to think about if your ready to become a mom, it's life changing, money or no money, partner or no partner...
I really feel for you, be sad, be angry, be frustrated, wish it wasn't happening but then you'll have to make a decision and try to focus on that so you can make peace with whatever you decide,

Massive massive hug

LegacyUser

Hi, I don't usually comment on boards but felt I had to for this post. I am currently 15 weeks pregnant.. 2 years ago I found myself pregnant under completely different circumstances. At the time the right decision for me was to have an abortion. Just because it was right does not mean it was an easy choice. It was a very tough time and still affects me now but what makes it bearable and okay is that I know in myself that I made the right choice. A lot of people may not agree with that, no matter what my reasons but I know I did what was right for me. It was a tough emotional time, made worse for me by the fact that it didn't seem to have any impact on the father so there was no support there.

I'm not sure what else to add to this but I basically just wanted to say that you can come through it, it's not always easy but it does get better and you cope. You remind yourself of why it was right for you in the first place and when the time comes for you to have a family, if that's what you wish, then that idea will only be reinforced. With this baby there was no question of if I should keep it or not. I'm excited for this because in know its whats right for me now and that me and my partner (different person) can and want to provide for our baby. Completely different circumstances in every sense. No two situations are the same.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do, just make sure you're choosing what's best for you x

LegacyUser

Are you sure the father would not want to be involved? How long are ye dating? Is it serious or casual? Could you see him as being a good dad or role model to a child? These are all factors to take in to consideration. There are a very many single mothers out there doing a great job, but *in general*, life - for mum& for child- tends to be easier if the other party is in the equation.
I know a few people who have chosen both options, you'll have regrets whatever option you choose so don't feel guilty either way. You're caught between a rock& a hard place here. Get advice, talk, think.

Shrap

UNPLANNED wrote: »

I'm not sure that the father would want to be involved. He's supportive of an abortion but we didn't discuss any other options.

You poor thing, I feel for you so much. Weighing up your options here is genuinely one of the toughest decisions you'll ever have to make and the priorities are agonising for you I imagine. I totally agree with other posters that you should contact a good crisis pregnancy advice service but I've highlighted this part of your comment as I wonder if you could approach your friend to go with you and also explore the options? You could put it to him that if he has any questions in himself as to whether an abortion is the only option, then now's his time to have a say.

Being honest with you, if he didn't want to be involved (as is his right, as much as your's), you might find it an easier decision, as believe me, being a lone parent is super-hard and you may lose your house. At the moment, you have no idea if you'd be parenting alone forever if you decided to go ahead with the pregnancy. I really think you need to find out if he'd consider becoming a father under these circumstances, even if only in a financially supportive way. It'll be a very tough decision for him too of course, but it's taken two of ye to tango so I feel you don't have to take on all the decision making here if you might genuinely go either way on it if he was willing to support you.

Wishing you the very best and hope you get good support for your decision OP. Xx

eviltwin

I had an abortion eight years ago. I had a lot of uncertainty but deep down knew it was the right decision. I've also had a baby in a very unstable financial situation and that was the right decision then too. No one can make up your mind, only you. Pregnancy counselling can help you sort through your feelings and decide what to do. I would tell the father though, just to see if his involvement or lack of helps provide clarity

prettyrestless

I don't have any advice as I haven't been in this situation, but didn't want to read and run... I hope you have someone to talk to, be it a friend, a family member or a crisis pregnancy charity. I hope that everything works out for the best for you.

CaraMay

You should be able to go to the bank and organise a moratorium whole you are only receiving maternity benefit. Afaik you don't need to take the full 6 months do you could go back earlier than that. Are there community crèches in your area? You can find really high quality baby supplies on all sales sites eg adverts and the father will have to contribute maintenance as well.

The money *shouldnt* be a factor in this. Do you want a baby or not? A baby doesn't always come at the right time (as we see it) but it doesn't mean it's not a good idea.

Good luck op

Magicmatilda

Wow I really feel for you OP and I can relate.

I am also pro choice but feel if I got pregnant now I would have it regardless. I am 35 and single. There may not be another chance.

I would recommend that you contact postive options and speak with a counsellor.

He is legally obliged to financially support the child so bear that in mind, whether or not he wants to. Although i thnk you are right to consider how involved he would want to be. If he does not, do you have another strong male role model - father, brother etc.. What is your family support system like.

Finally - what do you want to do? If money was not an issue what would you do?

Rubberchikken

i can't advise you as i've never been in your position, but i'd recommend talking to someone in 'positiove options'. they seem to be non judgemental and would have info on what the next step may be.

whatever you decide, it will be the right decision for you and i wish you only the best of luck. take care.

Rubberchikken

i can't advise you as i've never been in your position, but i'd recommend talking to someone in 'positiove options'. they seem to be non judgemental and would have info on what the next step may be.

whatever you decide, it will be the right decision for you and i wish you only the best of luck. take care.

WheatenBriar

Some good advice on dealing with the financial issues around it earlier there
Talk to your bank,go interest only for a while
Farm every and any relief posible and Go for it is my advice
I wish you the best of luck whatever you decide and if its to have your baby that they'll bring you so much joy that you'll not regret it

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies.

I was made redundant a few years ago and ahd to take a moratorium so I'm not sure it's something I could get for a second time but I will look into it.

The father is a friend and we're not dating. It was a silly mistake, he lives and works overseas and was just home for a few days. He wants an abortion, doesn't want his life to be changed. I'm a bit angry with him to be honest, we've been friends since we were kids and nothing ever happened with us before. I feel quite let down by him.

Honestly if finances didn't come into it, I wouldn't have a second thought about having an abortion. It's daunting enough but I think I'd manage everything else. The money is a big concern for me so I guess I need to investigate my options.

frostyjacks

Cura.ie or life.ie will also provide lots of helpful, friendly advice and compassion.

Having a baby shouldn't feel like an ordeal, regardless of anyone's circumstances. Money isn't everything.

mattP

I remember reading/hearing before about women who had abortions that regretted it afterwards. Usually they said the regret really struck home after they carried a child full term, and I think many struggled with postnatal depression. Although this was just a group of women with similar experiences and doesn't represent all of them, I forget what sort of percentage they represented.

LegacyUser

Honestly? It may be uncool to say, but at 32 I'd have it.

Even if you met Mr Right tomorrow, realistically it could be quite a long while before the two of you were ready to start a family. And you don't know how he would even feel about starting a family, what if he had kids already and didnt fancy going back into it again?

Or what if (god forbid) you don't find Mr Right until 38/39?

I had a baby last year. Was very ambivalent. Didnt know what the hell I was doing. From the minute I came home from hospital I had the baby in one hand and Google in the other, typing in questions, questions, questions. It actually worked. I say now that Google taught me how to parent.

I've found it to be nice. Bloody nice. The sheer joy on his ridiculous little toothy face when I take him out of the cot in the morning knocks me for six. I'm in my thirties and may never be able to have another. But thats ok now, I don't care anymore cos I have him.

If your worries are mainly financial, I'd make enquiries at the bank about your mortgage. You need damn all for a baby before 6 months old, they don't really pay much attention to toys before then so all you need are Aldi nappies (amazing), and Tesco baby clothes (even better). For everything else, Donedeal is your friend.

But thats my perspective - only you can decide what feels right for you. I wish you well no matter what you decide.

eviltwin

mattP wrote: »

I remember reading/hearing before about women who had abortions that regretted it afterwards. Usually they said the regret really struck home after they carried a child full term, and I think many struggled with postnatal depression. Although this was just a group of women with similar experiences and doesn't represent all of them, I forget what sort of percentage they represented.

And????? That's not really helpful is it?

mattP

mattP wrote: »

I remember reading/hearing before about women who had abortions that regretted it afterwards. Usually they said the regret really struck home after they carried a child full term, and I think many struggled with postnatal depression. Although this was just a group of women with similar experiences and doesn't represent all of them, I forget what sort of percentage they represented.

OP, don't worry too much about this post. I know a lot of women who have had abortions. Not one actually regrets it. They feel sad about it, sorry they had to do it. But it is sadness and the women I know have been quite able to deal with it. That's because, no matter how sad it was, they knew it was the right decision for them at that time.

Some already had kids and some have had kids since. They knew it was right at that time.
I think that's the important thing, you know what is right for you, things might be hard if you have the baby but that's not to say it won't work out fine.

At the end of the day, you do what is right for you.
It's honestly not the end of the world, whatever you decide.

Roselm

bubblypop wrote: »

OP, don't worry too much about this post. I know a lot of women who have had abortions. Not one actually regrets it. They feel sad about it, sorry they had to do it. But it is sadness and the women I know have been quite able to deal with it. That's because, no matter how sad it was, they knew it was the right decision for them at that time.

Some already had kids and some have had kids since. They knew it was right at that time.
I think that's the important thing, you know what is right for you, things might be hard if you have the baby but that's not to say it won't work out fine.

At the end of the day, you do what is right for you.
It's honestly not the end of the world, whatever you decide.

Absolutely she should do what is right for her. But I'm sure some people do regret having an abortion. The poster did say that he was just speaking about the particular group of women on the programme he is referring to.
I think it's helpful for the OP to have all perspectives on this.

pwurple

Op, call the counselling service and speak to them, so that you get your options clear in your head. As well as termination and becoming a single parent, there is also fostering and adoption. Adoption these days is a very different prospect from what I know of it. The child lives with foster parents for a year, when nothing is finalised. And there are open adoptions as well as closed, where the child knows you and who you are, but has an adopted family also.

All these, plus the various family supports available to you as well. As well as single parent allowance, and support from the father, there is also FIS, child benefit and other supports.

Talk everything through and then decide what you want to do.

LegacyUser

A tough situation that you're in.

I'm afraid I'm a bit too practical to believe that everything will just 'come right' if you decide to go ahead with the pregnancy. There's so many things to be considered:
- money: babies are expensive, and you're already worried about your mortgage
- money: the father is, as far as I know, legally obliged to contribute. I know of far too many acquaintances who've had to persue this through the courts though - to end up getting a tiny amount
- money: what benefits does you job pay: maternity, health insurance for you+kids?
- money: if you have a kid, will it be detrimental to your immediate career plans / going for promotions?
- money: will having a kid restrict you from moving job in the short to medium term?
- support: will the father share custody / child minding?
- support: will the father row in and take the baby/child if you're having a hard time or have urgent commitments?
- support: will the father be with you or against you? - like can you see there being ties about the kid, maintenance, access, schools etc
- support: do you have friends with kids who you could turn to for advice, help, or shared childminding?
- family: are your family in a position to offer financial and practical support if you are stuck?
- the future: do you want a kid right now? Do you see that as enhancing or (sorry) ruining your life?
- the future: if things are finished with the father, how do you see you having a kid panning out in terms of your future partners? Will this restrict you in a way that you won't be happy with? (It's more likely, I think, that a guy who is slightly older, or has kids already, will be ready for a 'ready made' family with you & your kid)
- the future: travel - are you happy to put down roots? Do you have a need to travel or live/work outside Ireland? Having a kid will make all that far more complicated. And the father might block you from leaving the country.
- the future: would you be ok having kids with different fathers if you meet someone else? (Not judging; just asking if this might be a problem for you)
- your life: how 'sorted' are you in your own life & goals? Have you achieved your medium term goals? Are you prepared to set aside medium term plans until you have the kid, and it starts school?
- your life: the way stuff is with schools now, you may need to put your kid's name down at birth for your catchment area. Are you happy to remain living in the same area? Are you happy for your kid to grow up there?

As I guess you may have gathered, I would not go ahead with the pregnancy. But that's me, not you. I do believe though that you really need to sit down and logically consider all of the above. I'm afraid I just don't buy the 'it'll all be grand' notion. I know from friends that the pregnancy itself, not to mention actually having a kid, is hard work with a supportive husband, family, and having planned financially. It will be extra hard if you are broke and on your own. I don't say that to be negative, but there are serious long term consequences that you need to consider.

The best of luck with your decision.

R.D. aka MR.D

pwurple wrote: »

Op, call the counselling service and speak to them, so that you get your options clear in your head. As well as termination and becoming a single parent, there is also fostering and adoption. Adoption these days is a very different prospect from what I know of it. The child lives with foster parents for a year, when nothing is finalised. And there are open adoptions as well as closed, where the child knows you and who you are, but has an adopted family also.

All these, plus the various family supports available to you as well. As well as single parent allowance, and support from the father, there is also FIS, child benefit and other supports.

Talk everything through and then decide what you want to do.

How does adoption solve the problem of not having money for her mortgage when she is on maternity leave?

OP, talk to an impartial counsellor. Impartial being the most important word. Sometimes, financial decisions have to made. You should think about whether you want to bring a child into a situation where you both will be struggling.

Was the family you envisioned for 'one day', just you and a child? If not, then think about is that where you want to go.

It's not an easy decision and no two people will ever feel exactly the same about any experience. You have to make the decision for you and your life.

Best of luck.

Ann84

pwurple wrote: »

Adoption these days is a very different prospect from what I know of it. The child lives with foster parents for a year, when nothing is finalised. And there are open adoptions as well as closed, where the child knows you and who you are, but has an adopted family also.

All these, plus the various family supports available to you as well. As well as single parent allowance, and support from the father, there is also FIS, child benefit and other supports.

Talk everything through and then decide what you want to do.

Im sorry but this is just not in any way as simple a situation as you play out. Adoption is NOT a practical solution for most women in modern Irish society!
So you are pregnant, after 3 months you start showing... Your going to work, getting on with life, minding your own business and then....
'Oh my God your pregnant!!! Congratulations...!!!' to which you respond, 'Yep but look don't make a big thing of it, I'm actually putting it up for adoption...'
Then watch literally every single person you know probe your entire life, your relationships and your mental state for another 6 months while dealing with an unwanted pregnancy and hormones and everyone's opinion about your decision...

And if by some miracle you survive that and manage to stick to your guns, how do you think everyone around you will look at you? Each with their own personal opinions of what your done projecting on you forever!!

Its annoying when adoption is just thrown out as a simple option to women who are working and adults... If you actually think for 5 minutes about what it would be like in real life, you'd never suggest it!!!
Any woman who's been pregnant knows your a public spectacle and even strangers will ask questions - how is an unhappy woman carrying a child she doesn't want supposed to deal with that alone nevermind the the judgement that ensues...

On a side note, not everyone has family support and those financial aids are pretty minimal but as said before, if you want to be a mom, you can make it work!!

sassyj

frostyjacks wrote: »

Cura.ie or life.ie will also provide lots of helpful, friendly advice and compassion.

Having a baby shouldn't feel like an ordeal, regardless of anyone's circumstances. Money isn't everything.

Don't go near either of these. Make an appt with positve options now, they will discuss all options with you, supposed to be excellent.

CaraMay

Tough cheese if you wait for even half of those things to be in place you will never have any kid. That's a ridiculous list to put up.

Op if you come to the banks in advance they have plenty of time to work with you and a 6 month mortstoriym is nothing to them. They have to consider your case and deal with you compassionately. They would prefer to deal with you upfront than have an arrears case on their books. Tell them it's an unexpected pregnancy and you will need a moratorium to cover maternity leave. They won't have a leg to stand on if they refuse you.

Ann84

Op, I just reread your last post..., your friends with the Dad, you are not together and he does not want the baby...
You may be annoyed with him but why?! He didn't sign up for a baby any more than you did and some posts here are getting a bit selfish to be honest (my only chance to have a baby!) much and all as some women want babies, some men don't and forcing someone to be a father is as bad as forcing someone to be a mother!!
You know this guy, it's not like he's an anonymous donor, he can't even ignore this if he did want to walk away...
I don't think you should expect anything from him if you go ahead with the pregnancy, as you said you guys are friends, you know him, you knew he doesn't want a baby and you know he doesn't love you so expect a lot of anger and resentment from him in return.

If you want to go ahead with the pregnancy you do that but I would expect your friendship to be over so focus on you and the baby, focus on what you want because you are the only one that wants this baby if you do so put him out of your head, you know how he feels.

Rubberchikken

i agree with above^ focus on you and what you need/want to do.

Neyite

frostyjacks wrote: »

Cura.ie or life.ie will also provide lots of helpful, friendly advice and compassion.

Having a baby shouldn't feel like an ordeal, regardless of anyone's circumstances. Money isn't everything.

OP, by all means approach these organisations if you want help and support in continuing with a pregnancy, but these are crisis pregnancy organisations with a religious or pro-life ethos so you wont get any information on termination, in fact, they are more likely to do their best to steer you away from the idea of termination. Positive Options are probably the better bet where you can get information on all your potential options -Pwurple is right, there are modern day options such as open adoption or foster care that you should at least investigate even if only to put your mind at ease that they are not options for you.

But, if you did decide not to terminate, Cura and the like do offer support or put you in touch with charities that help women in crisis pregnancy situations, and set up for single motherhood. I know one woman who they helped find a heavily subsidised apartment for her and her baby, helped her out with her bin charges and a few other things.

From the sounds of it, he probably wont be a practical support as he is abroad, and may even be flaky on financial support too. So I suppose that you need to factor that in. But he is legally obliged to contribute if you go ahead, even if morally he might not want to.

What strikes me is that if money was not an issue, you would not even be considering a termination, so in your case I think that you really need to be certain that its the right decision for you- and I think that you need ALL your options on the table to consider. I think talking to positive options should help a lot. Babies, contrary to what's been said upthread, are not necessarily expensive. They are as expensive as you make them - literally everything except a cot mattress and a car seat can be got second hand. Adverts and Done Deal are crammed with people who want to just get rid of their baby stuff and baby clothes, often for very little or free. The first six months or so can be quite cheap if you are savvy.

Covering your income during maternity leave is the biggest immediate concern. I know a couple of people who took out a small loan to cover the shortfall in bills each month, and it worked well for them. Its when you return to work that childcare could be expensive, and that is what you'll need to watch, unless you have a good family support network who would be willing to help out with childcare.

I'm very much pro-choice, but it is a big decision and depending on how far along you are, you probably have time to decide what is best for you.

LegacyUser

Hi Op. It sounds to me like in your heart you would like to keep the baby. If the worries are mostly financial then you can find a way to get through it.
Would you consider getting in a lodger to help with the mortgage? I know this is not an ideal situation but it could really help. I have a friend who is renting a room in a house with another woman who just became pregnant. The woman is single and has said that my friend is a great help and support to her.

Best of luck!

LegacyUser

Having posted earlier and read some of the responses OP, definitely visit a group like positive options.

There's a few other things here I should have said....firstly you are early in the pregnancy.If you do keep it, can you save for the next few months to cover even some of the mortgage while you are off on leave?Secondly, you don't ve to take a full six months leave...you're entitled to it but it's not mandatory?And thirdly, I'm assuming your job don't offer any maternity pay...do they.? Have you checked that?

Like I said before, this is an emotional thing, very emotional.I, for one completely underestimated the level of emotion involved in having a child.I'm sure there are people out there who dealt with it and moved on but nobody really knows how they will react to an abortion....myself included, if i ever found myself in that situation.I would definitely talk to Positive options, and please, try to go with what YOU feel, because at the end of the day, thar's what matters.

Chemical Byrne

I know this might be terribly unpopular but, in addition to every other question that you have to ask yourself, perhaps you should also consider whether or not it is a good idea and fair to a child bringing them into the world knowing that they will be effectively fatherless, since he has basically said to you he wants no part.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I was in your situation five years ago, I had a zero hour job and very little money, and the guy I was with was really only a friends with benefits situation. When I found out I was pregnant I felt trapped and there was no way I was going to bring a child into that situation. I went to the UK for a termination and I felt nothing but relief afterwards as I had my life back.
5 years later I am in a stable relationship with a man I adore and I feel this is the right atmosphere to have a kid. Whatever your decision though it is yours and don't let anyone guilt trip you into keeping it, people in this country are still judgemental about isues like this.

CaraMay

NoRegretsGirl wrote: »

Hi OP,

I was in your situation five years ago, I had a zero hour job and very little money, and the guy I was with was really only a friends with benefits situation. When I found out I was pregnant I felt trapped and there was no way I was going to bring a child into that situation. I went to the UK for a termination and I felt nothing but relief afterwards as I had my life back.
5 years later I am in a stable relationship with a man I adore and I feel this is the right atmosphere to have a kid. Whatever your decision though it is yours and don't let anyone guilt trip you into keeping it, people in this country are still judgemental about isues like this.

You are the one being judgmental and not a but impartial. The op is looking for practical advice and telling her that you were happy with your abortion and are in a new relationship doesn't mean the same will happen for her.

Some people regret abortions and some don't but it's folly to tell the op that all will be well just because you feel it's worked for you.

The op seems to me to want the baby but is worried about money. Money in her case shouldn't be a reason for an abortion as there are ways around it

pwurple

Ann84 wrote: »

Im sorry but this is just not in any way as simple a situation as you play out. Adoption is NOT a practical solution for most women in modern Irish society!
So you are pregnant, after 3 months you start showing... Your going to work, getting on with life, minding your own business and then....
'Oh my God your pregnant!!! Congratulations...!!!' to which you respond, 'Yep but look don't make a big thing of it, I'm actually putting it up for adoption...'
Then watch literally every single person you know probe your entire life, your relationships and your mental state for another 6 months while dealing with an unwanted pregnancy and hormones and everyone's opinion about your decision...

Wow, that's a lot of vitriol. Talk about jumping down my throat for mentioning it as one of the several potential options. It hadn't been mentioned yet. I know some couples waiting for a baby for years. I'd love to give some of those willing, able, financially sound, completely vetted inside out by the adoption board couples a chance at parenthood.

And I would never advise anyone to take any action because of what the neighbours thought. Have you thought about how completely backwards that sounds? Are we back into laundry territory here? Get thy pregnant self sorted out in case anyone sees and asks an awkward question?

If the decision is right for you, whether it be abortion, keeping baby, adoption... whatever, you should be perfectly at ease answering questions about it, because it's the right course for you.

R.D. aka MR.D

UNPLANNED wrote: »

I'd like to know if anyone else has had to go through with an abortion feeling uncertain and how they coped afterwards? I'm already so upset by this I'm afraid of completely falling apart

CaraMay wrote: »

You are the one being judgmental and not a but impartial. The op is looking for practical advice and telling her that you were happy with your abortion and are in a new relationship doesn't mean the same will happen for her.

Some people regret abortions and some don't but it's folly to tell the op that all will be well just because you feel it's worked for you.

The op seems to me to want the baby but is worried about money. Money in her case shouldn't be a reason for an abortion as there are ways around it

This poster is answering the Op's question. She is sharing her experience. That's what the OP asked for.

I also can't see the part in the post where she tells the poster that 'all will be well'.

Ann84

pwurple wrote: »

Wow, that's a lot of vitriol.

Apologies Pwurple didn't mean any vitriol whatsoever and you are right in that adoption is an option but maybe your language is a bit flippant and your post did not mention the effects adoption would have on the OP.

My point was just that adoption is probably the most difficult of all options available due to the massive emotional, physical and social implications on the woman involved.

I feel that it is often bandied as an easier, nicer option when in reality it is incredibly difficult and I was just trying to articulate the actual reality of what a pregnancy leading to adoption would mean for someone in day-to-day life.

However, I wouldn't belittle the consequences by comparing it to worrying about what the neighbors think... that's a bit unfair! It is a far more than that and the implications would last long after the baby is gone but that was all I was trying to highlight to the OP if considering adoption.

frostyjacks

sassyj wrote: »

Don't go near either of these. Make an appt with positve options now, they will discuss all options with you, supposed to be excellent.

Can you enlighten us as to why you think these groups should be avoided? I've never used them but they give support and advice, without trying to influence a decision. Which is more than I can say for some here.

R.D. aka MR.D

Neyite wrote: »

OP, by all means approach these organisations if you want help and support in continuing with a pregnancy, but these are crisis pregnancy organisations with a religious or pro-life ethos so you wont get any information on termination, in fact, they are more likely to do their best to steer you away from the idea of termination.

frostyjacks wrote: »

Can you enlighten us as to why you think these groups should be avoided? I've never used them but they give support and advice, without trying to influence a decision. Which is more than I can say for some here.

She already did...

It's probably best for the OP who has already stated that she is pro-choice to get impartial advice on her situation.

newacc2015

OP you it in your post, that you arent ready to bring a child into the world. You said you want "a child one day". If you arent ready now. I cant imagine how difficult it will be trying to try a child into the world, when you arent emotionally and financially prepared.

Yes you will get financial support from the Father. But its often a fraction of raising the child. You might not get any other support than that from him and you may have to raise the child on your own. Plenty of people do it, but its quite difficult. You will have to juggle being a mother around your work schedule etc.

I think you should definitely go to a pregnancy support group. If you choose to have an abortion or not. Post Abortion counselling will help if you choose to have an Abortion. Millions of women have Abortion every year as they just arent ready to be a mother yet.

Faith

frostyjacks wrote: »

Can you enlighten us as to why you think these groups should be avoided? I've never used them but they give support and advice, without trying to influence a decision. Which is more than I can say for some here.

It's been covered already, but briefly, they are religious/pro-life organisations who won't provide impartial advice that includes abortion. They will try to influence her decision in a pro-life manner. If the OP decides to go ahead with the pregnancy, then I'm sure they could provide useful support and advice.

mattP

bubblypop wrote:

OP, don't worry too much about this post. I know a lot of women who have had abortions. Not one actually regrets it. They feel sad about it, sorry they had to do it. But it is sadness and the women I know have been quite able to deal with it. That's because, no matter how sad it was, they knew it was the right decision for them at that time.
Some already had kids and some have had kids since. They knew it was right at that time. I think that's the important thing, you know what is right for you, things might be hard if you have the baby but that's not to say it won't work out fine.
At the end of the day, you do what is right for you. It's honestly not the end of the world, whatever you decide.

Roselm wrote:

Absolutely she should do what is right for her. But I'm sure some people do regret having an abortion. The poster did say that he was just speaking about the particular group of women on the programme he is referring to. I think it's helpful for the OP to have all perspectives on this.

That's exactly what I'm saying. Its unfair to tell the woman facing this decision that it will all be peachy if she has an abortion - you have to acknowledge the fact that she might regret it and have some resultant difficulties down the line. It might be improbable, but its still a possibility, so its unfair to just sweep it under the rug and say its irrelevant.

I think if you *want* this baby then go for it. Single parenthood isnt as hard as it was years ago, but it still is hard. It would be a great help if you had people to rely on - such as the baby's father and family members.
On the other hand, if you want this baby because you dont think you'll have the chance to have another... I just don't think it would be ideal.
Youre not obligated either way, you should just follow your heart on this.

LegacyUser

Op, so sorry to hear of your predicament.

Finding out your pregnant should be a happy time. I found myself in this position at 24. I knew I would end up homeless as my parents always told me that if I got pregnant I would be " on my own". The father didn't have the wherewithal to support both of us financially and due to working shift work I would have found myself unemployed as there are no crèches or childminders willing to work a night shift.

I reasoned with myself that everyone is entitled to be forgiven one mistake, that being only young that I would eventually meet mr right and have my little house and my 2.4 children. I booked the appointment with a clinic in London through Marie stopes and made the trip. I remember lying on the table with tears streaming down my face as the anesthetist comforted me.My first feelings after the procedure was relief - and perhaps some guilt. The procedure is painless but it is safer to do it early in the pregnancy -I was 6 weeks pregnant.

Fast forward 15 years and I'm now 40. I never met mr right and I never had children which really saddens me. Sometimes I think about it all day and I'm filled with regret and other times I reason that I did the right thing at the time. For me, rather than subside the guilt has grown a bit over the years. Every year on that date I remember the frightened young woman I was. No one can tell you what to do but I can tell you if you told me you invented a time machine I'd go back to that date and change my decision. That's just my take on it and please don't think it will be the same for you.

Any single parent will tell you how hard it is to parent on your own, emotionally, financially and logistically. I knew that if I went ahead I was going to be a single parent one way or another, the relationship that I was in was not going to last. You say the father works away in another country, depending on the country you could get maintenance from him to support your child.

One thing I was not prepared for is how other people judged me. People who knew offered no support and talked about it like it was great gossip. They were horrible. Just recently in the last year a woman who is no angel herself and a drug addicted mother to three beautiful children she doesn't deserve judged me at my own front door for making that decision 15 years ago. I had never told her anything of my situation. Her boyfriend who is now an ex friend of 20 years thought that it was a good idea to tell her even though he met her years after my termination. If you do decide to go ahead with the procedure my best advice is to tell no one but the most trusted people in your life. Ireland is not ready to accept that people can and do have a right to make these decisions about their own lives.

I wish you all the best with your decision and whatever decision you make will be the right decision at that time for you...I got a bit teary eyed writing that... Hugs to you op.

pwurple

Ann84 wrote: »

I feel that it is often bandied as an easier, nicer option when in reality it is incredibly difficult and I was just trying to articulate the actual reality of what a pregnancy leading to adoption would mean for someone in day-to-day life.

No option in a crisis pregnancy is an easy one, and I don't think I bandied it around or even said it was an easy option. It certainly is not. My only point was that it is not the same now as it was 20 years ago, so understand the differences before ruling it out.

And about the awkward questions, I'm afraid there is no avoiding those either. Termination; you will be asked for your medical history again in the future, more than likely on a subsequent pregnancy. I know I've had to explain my miscarriage about 10 times over to various midwives and obgyns. Parent: plenty there too, where is the father etc.

What Neyite has laid out in terms of costs is on the ball. Babies can cost next too zero if you don't have a car seat to get Slings are readily available secondhand, breastfeeding is free, clothes and nappies can be swapped within parenting support groups. All mine are in swapped clothes. A cot y can borrow, but get a new mattress. The major cost is the loss of income or childcare if you keep your job. This is the cost which needs to be figured out, with family support, sometimes community Creche or other options.

Is it at all possible to discuss this with someone in your family OP? A sibling or parent?

LegacyUser

It's been said twice that babies aren't expensive.
Childcare is expensive.
And children are expensive, teenagers far more so.

It's difficult but you must think beyond the next year or so. They don't stay babies for long.

Merkin

There are a few posts now which are veering towards turning this thread into a discussion. It is not a discussion or debate. Please answer the OP's question rather than a. Using it as an excuse to push a particular agenda or b. Just ranting for the sake of it. Stay on topic please.

frostyjacks

Faith wrote: »

It's been covered already, but briefly, they are religious/pro-life organisations who won't provide impartial advice that includes abortion. They will try to influence her decision in a pro-life manner. If the OP decides to go ahead with the pregnancy, then I'm sure they could provide useful support and advice.

They will not try to influence a decision on any expectant mother, that is a flat-out lie.

Katgurl

Hi OP,

You poor thing. Is there a family member you can talk to?

I want to stress here that I'm not giving you advice but you asked a direct question and I'm going to answer it from my own experience (I know, even among my own friends that this is not a typical reaction).

I had an abortion in my early 20's. I'm 37 now and I still regret it. The pain lessened but it never went away and I never felt it was the right thing for me.

I do think though that is largely because I rushed my decision, was dishonest with myself, my partner and my family and didn't properly consider the alternatives. I did it in a hurry.

I never got pregnant again, never really tried but I got sick last year and i may need a hysterectomy very soon. It's a bitter pill but you can't change the past.

I know my story is not what you want to hear. My friends get really mad with me when I say I regret it but I honestly do and if I had known how I'd carry the pain I wouldn't have done it.

I'm also pro choice btw and I've never met another woman who felt such clear regret so there is no reason to think you will either.

But I wanted to give you an Honest answer. You always think you'll have another opportunity but it's not always the case.

Think long and hard. Good luck OP.

amdublin

Sorry that you are in this position op. It's a really difficult place.


I am seeing lots of very practical solutions re mortgage etc but for me you must think much much longer than this.


Do you actually want to have a baby now? How is it going to affect your life now and in the future? I think knowing that will help you make your choice.


Best of luck to you whatever your choice is. And whatever your choice is be kind to yourselve over the next while.


I'd second going to speak with your GP.