Child smells of smoke after play date.

Sirtoyou

Tough spot.
My ten year old daughter comes home from her friends house stinking of smoke. Hair and clothes, usual stuff.
The mother of her friend smokes in the house. We are quite fond of the family and the mother is a lovely person and the girls are very well suited.
Is there a tactful way of addressing the situation without flat out offending the woman or banning my daughter from visiting the house?
All opinions welcome.

Wesser

You are sure she is not smoking herself?
If you are sure then I don't think there's a whole lot you can do.

Sirtoyou

Wesser wrote: »

You are sure she is not smoking herself?
If you are sure then I don't think there's a whole lot you can do.

Yea pretty sure.

Pawwed Rig

No way to do it really without upsetting the smoker. Seems bizarre at this stage that someone would think smoking in a house with kids is normal behaviour.

Armchair Andy

Pawwed Rig wrote:

No way to do it really without upsetting the smoker. Seems bizarre at this stage that someone would think smoking in a house with kids is normal behaviour.

Is it not in her own home she's smoking?

MiskyBoyy

Armchair Andy wrote: »

Is it not in her own home she's smoking?

It sounds like it but still smoking around children is irresponsible.

Go outside or have a designated smoking room or something.

Armchair Andy

MiskyBoyy wrote:

Go outside or have a designated smoking room or something.

I don't smoke indoors but I wouldn't go asking the friends mam to do the same. Maybe subtly drop a hint to your own daughter OP to go outside in turn the mam might realise her actions?

StonyIron

Your kids' health should be coming first here.
If she's offended, you know where her priorities are.

evolving_doors

you could lie and say your child had severe whooping cough and pneumonia and the doctors said there might be scaring on her lungs or probable risk of asthma... so at least you will have some 'medical' reasons to give.

Pawwed Rig

Armchair Andy wrote: »

Is it not in her own home she's smoking?

Yes it is. That doesn't make it less irresponsible though and shows that the woman has a complete disregard for the welfare of her own and the OPs children. I would remove my child from the situation for their sake. Unfortunately there is little you can do for the other poor child.

Mad4simmental

Could you pretend your child has asthma attacks now and again and give the other mother an inhaler to keep in the house "just in case" and hopefully she gets the hint not to smoke around your child?

Armchair Andy

You can't ask the woman directly to quit smoking in her own home, unless she's approachable or inadvertently bring it to her attention like I suggested above. If it means possibly breaking a budding friendship so be it but blocking her from visiting is not the first action imo.

scaryfairy

Are you sure she smokes next to them when they are there? My parents smoke but when we visit, they go outside to smoke. Nevertheless, we inevitably come home stinking of smoke, hair clothes everything just from the stuff that piled up in walls etc over the years... Awful but not inhaling any smoke for sure

pwurple

Mad4simmental wrote: »

Could you pretend your child has asthma attacks now and again and give the other mother an inhaler to keep in the house "just in case" and hopefully she gets the hint not to smoke around your child?

Why pussyfoot around it with making up stuff and hoping the woman guesses through your web of lies what you are hinting at?

Either have a chat with her about the smoking around your child (face to face would be better than a string of texts), or don't tell her and have the play dates at your house instead.

Mr Magnolia

You could say you're worried the 2 kids may be smoking as she's coming home reefing of cigarettes and you obviously don't want her anywhere near cigarettes. Then ask the mum for her thoughts. She should get the message. If she didn't take the hint and the child still smells of smoke I would give the other mother the options as you're concerned for her long term health.

Akrasia

I wouldn't make a big deal about it.

unless your daughter has asthma or some other breathing condition, the risks are really low

http://www.forbes.com/sites/danielfisher/2013/12/12/study-finds-no-link-between-secondhand-smoke-and-cancer/

If the mother owned a diesel car or even had an open wood fire it's probably doing more harm to your child than her smoking is. if she had a barbeque, or if the kids went camping and sat next to a fire-pit your child would be exposed to far more carcinogens than a few hours in a house with one person smoking.

Does your child's mother's friend give your child any food? Are you going to interfere and tell her your daughter can only eat organic locally produced vegetables? There are cancer risks all around the place and you can't protect your children from everything, and it would be an awful shame if your fears held her back from experiences that are otherwise positive. If your daughter isn't used to smoke, she probably naturally avoids her friends mother she she's smoking because it's unpleasant to be around.

Second hand smoke is low risk if there is only occasional exposure. Do you really want to jeopardise your daughters friendship for this?

Sirtoyou

Thanks for the replies and advice. All taken on board.

iguana

Armchair Andy wrote: »

Is it not in her own home she's smoking?

I alsways find this a strange argument. We're all entitled to do, and probably do do, anti-social things in our own homes but we don't tend to do them in front of guests. For example when I'm home alone I might walk around in my underwear, fart or burp freely. I surf the net, read, watch tv. But if I had a guest I wouldn't do those things. Being in your own home doesn't make it ok to do anti-social things in front of guests and smoking in an enclosed space with children is pretty anti-social nowadays.

Akrasia wrote: »

If the mother owned a diesel car or even had an open wood fire it's probably doing more harm to your child than her smoking is. if she had a barbeque, or if the kids went camping and sat next to a fire-pit your child would be exposed to far more carcinogens than a few hours in a house with one person smoking.

It's not just about risks though. Stinking of smoke is horrible in and of itself. It's a very unpleasant smell and it means the child may need her clothes and hair washed after a visit when they wouldn't have needed it otherwise.

homerjay2005

Armchair Andy wrote: »

Is it not in her own home she's smoking?

im sorry but any adult who smokes in any house including their own, with children present are being ignorent, selfish, irresponsible and are very very poor at parenting.

if my child was in a house with a parent smoking, they wouldnt be staying there long.

donegal.

you're child won't be harmed by the smoke. The smell would be the worst.

unless the smell is desperate i'd forget about it and move on.

madeinamerica

I think you are right to be concerned. Smoke doesn't just increase risk of cancer, it can make colds and flu worse. So that is one immediate reason to limit exposure. Also, I would be concerned that byy seeing a friend's mother smoking in her home, my child would begin to think smoking is a normal thing to do. As an ex-smoker who still would love a fag, I'm very against smoking being a normal part of life.

zeffabelli

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

Yes it is. That doesn't make it less irresponsible though and shows that the woman has a complete disregard for the welfare of her own and the OPs children. I would remove my child from the situation for their sake. Unfortunately there is little you can do for the other poor child.

I have to tell you taht my father smoked in the house while I was growing up, and for you to throw such judgemental comments around peoples character like they dont care about the welfare of the child, is callous in itself, not to mention sanctimononius and frankly wrong.

Notwithstanding, I have no doubt if it were a mother denying access to a non custodial parent on such grounds you'd have a completely different take on this.

myshirt

I would be fearful you have too quickly overlooked the possibility of the child smoking herself.

I started smoking aged 9 myself, and a lot of smokers do start young.

evolving_doors

zeffabelli wrote: »

I have to tell you taht my father smoked in the house while I was growing up, and for you to throw such judgemental comments around peoples character like they dont care about the welfare of the child, is callous in itself, not to mention sanctimononius and frankly wrong.

Notwithstanding, I have no doubt if it were a mother denying access to a non custodial parent on such grounds you'd have a completely different take on this.

there is the modelling aspect to the 'behaviour too, afterall, why is it that children of parents who smoke are more likely to smoke when they grow up?

Pawwed Rig

zeffabelli wrote: »

I have to tell you taht my father smoked in the house while I was growing up, and for you to throw such judgemental comments around peoples character like they dont care about the welfare of the child, is callous in itself, not to mention sanctimononius and frankly wrong.

Depends on how old you are really. There was a certain level of ignorance (somewhat wilful) on the negative affects in the 70's and 80's but after that there really is no excuse. It shows that they care more for their own addiction than the welfare of the children who they know they are harming

Armchair Andy

homerjay2005 wrote:

im sorry but any adult who smokes in any house including their own, with children present are being ignorent, selfish, irresponsible and are very very poor at parenting.

My parents provided me with a very happy sound childhood and I did'nt end up murdering anybody. Yet according to you they were brutal at it just cos they smoked.
Solid reasoning there.

freshpopcorn

In my experience unless the woman gives up smoking and washes all carpets/furniture. Your daughter will probably still come home smelling of stale cigarette smoke.

meeeeh

I think people should relax a bit. It's a play date every so often, she is not living there. I am not being apologetic and I do think smoking in the house with kids is irresponsible.

But the whole 'social services should take the child away' reaction is completely over the top. Parents getting drunk having 'a glass' of wine after kids go to bed are probably placing their kids in a lot more danger than couple of hours per week in a house of a smoker.

Diamond Doll

I'd never ask someone not to smoke in their own home.

I would agree with those who have said that occasional exposure isn't going to be particularly harmful.

In your position, I'd just try to have the majority of play dates at your house or elsewhere (play centre, cinema, whatever.) And when she does go to the friend's house, stick her straight into the shower and her clothes into the wash when she gets home. A minor inconvenience really for the sake of continuing the friendship!

efb

donegal. wrote: »

you're child won't be harmed by the smoke. The smell would be the worst.

unless the smell is desperate i'd forget about it and move on.

2nd hand smoke is full of toxins

FortySeven

My son is allergic to animals and comes home from his friends house with puffy eyes and short of breath due to their dog, we have mentioned it to the mother but he still comes home that way. Wouldn't dream of doing any more. It is just life. I can't really expect them to change their behaviour at home to accomodate my child and I wouldn't dream of stopping him seeing his friend over it. I wouldn't worry too much about second hand smoke, I remember the days my step-mother used to chain smoke in the car with the windows closed with 5 kids in the car. We're talking 10 hour trips here. Only 1 of us ended up smoking and none of us suffer any bad effects. She did this in the house too.

zeffabelli

meeeeh wrote: »

I think people should relax a bit. It's a play date every so often, she is not living there. I am not being apologetic and I do think smoking in the house with kids is irresponsible.

But the whole 'social services should take the child away' reaction is completely over the top. Parents getting drunk having 'a glass' of wine after kids go to bed are probably placing their kids in a lot more danger than couple of hours per week in a house of a smoker.

This is another symptom of the moralistic perfectionist obsessionality that has taken over parenting.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

Yeah I'd agree that while its mind boggling that an adult would smoke around kids, I don't think you should ask her not to smoke in her own house. At 10, you could maybe suggest to your child to leave the room when she starts to smoke.
I wouldn't ruin a friendship over it anyway, it's not the kids fault so don't punish them

looksee

Its more true to say its poor parenting now because in the past people did not realise the dangers of smoking. You can't really compare attitudes now with attitudes 30 or 40 years ago.

I have never smoked, however I grew up with both parents smoking, then married a smoker. My lungs are sound! My adult children don't smoke (one did for a while but gave it up). Yes the smell is stinking and disgusting but I don't think an occasional play-date is going to do any more harm than occasional exposure to traffic fumes or an open fire.

I have had mothers come into my house (when my kids were young) making a huge fuss about their children not being allowed soft drinks or treats - and they really were treats, my own children did not get them on a regular basis - taking it to a point of rudeness. If you want to totally, absolutely shelter your children, keep them at home.

Yes it is a bad example, yes it smells disgusting, but you have to decide how much it matters to you and balance it against your child's friendship.

donegal.

efb wrote: »

2nd hand smoke is full of toxins

it is full of toxins but at the levels her daughter is being exposed to, the effects would be negligible.

iguana

donegal. wrote: »

it is full of toxins but at the levels her daughter is being exposed to, the effects would be negligible.

Maybe in terms of cancer but I always get a vicious sore throat after a few minutes in a room with a smoker. After longer, like at a part with indoor smoking, my eyes start stinging and my sinuses are affected. I can have bad sinus related headaches for days after. In particularly bad cases I've even ended up with earache.

looksee

iguana wrote: »

Maybe in terms of cancer but I always get a vicious sore throat after a few minutes in a room with a smoker. After longer, like at a part with indoor smoking, my eyes start stinging and my sinuses are affected. I can have bad sinus related headaches for days after. In particularly bad cases I've even ended up with earache.

Which suggests you are particularly sensitive to cigarette smoke and would/should not stay in a room where smoking is happening. But the child concerned is not affected in that way, the only complaint is that the child smells of smoke.

madeinamerica

looksee wrote: »

Which suggests you are particularly sensitive to cigarette smoke and would/should not stay in a room where smoking is happening. But the child concerned is not affected in that way, the only complaint is that the child smells of smoke.

See, to me, that is a major problem by itself. A child smells of smoke. It even sounds wrong.

Comparing parents who smoke around kids now with parents in the 70s and 80s is comparing apples and oranges. They didnt know then, now we know it isn't healthy so smoking in the same room/house/car as kids is unacceptable. If you are one of the people whose parents smoked around you and you are fine, then you are one of the lucky ones who werent affected. Many kids arent so lucky and it can affect lungs, asthma etc.

As nicotine is very additive and really really hard to quit (personal experience and from health info), I think it is really wrong to demonise people who cannot give up. (I am so glad that I had given up long before I got pregnant as it would have been hell trying to give up then). However, you can always smoke outside so there is no excuse for smoking where kids are.

OP IMO you are right to be concerned for your child, but you can't really make anyone do anything. You can say it to the mother, but I've a feeling that it won't do much good. you'd be better off having the play dates in your own house.

zeffabelli

madeinamerica wrote: »

See, to me, that is a major problem by itself. A child smells of smoke. It even sounds wrong.

Comparing parents who smoke around kids now with parents in the 70s and 80s is comparing apples and oranges. They didnt know then, now we know it isn't healthy so smoking in the same room/house/car as kids is unacceptable. If you are one of the people whose parents smoked around you and you are fine, then you are one of the lucky ones who werent affected. Many kids arent so lucky and it can affect lungs, asthma etc.

As nicotine is very additive and really really hard to quit (personal experience and from health info), I think it is really wrong to demonise people who cannot give up. (I am so glad that I had given up long before I got pregnant as it would have been hell trying to give up then). However, you can always smoke outside so there is no excuse for smoking where kids are.

OP IMO you are right to be concerned for your child, but you can't really make anyone do anything. You can say it to the mother, but I've a feeling that it won't do much good. you'd be better off having the play dates in your own house.

In the 70s and 80s they were smoking pot around their kids and yes they did know.

Its fine not to like it but its not fine to say all these people are bad parents who dont give a crap about their kids.... that includes most of our own parents.

It's not that we know better, it's that the moral frameworks for parenting have changed.... my generation was raised by hippies, baby boomers, and people fullfilling their dreams.....now that generation has grown up and the latch key kids are now helicopter parents.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

I'm sorry but smoking in a car where your child has no option but to breathe in second hand toxins makes you selfish and negligent.

madeinamerica

zeffabelli wrote: »

In the 70s and 80s they were smoking pot around their kids and yes they did know.

Its fine not to like it but its not fine to say all these people are bad parents who dont give a crap about their kids.... that includes most of our own parents.

It's not that we know better, it's that the moral frameworks for parenting have changed.... my generation was raised by hippies, baby boomers, and people fullfilling their dreams.....now that generation has grown up and the latch key kids are now helicopter parents.

I think you are agreeing with me there but I'm not sure? as I said, comparing parents now (when we know it is bad) to parents in the 70s (who probably didnt know better) is not right.

were you raised in Woodstock? seriously? hippies, baby boomers and people fulfilling their dreams... not many of them around in Ireland when I was growing up think that is the USA

I will say that I do think if someone smokes around their kids now, they are not being a good parent.

zeffabelli

madeinamerica wrote: »

I think you are agreeing with me there but I'm not sure? as I said, comparing parents now (when we know it is bad) to parents in the 70s (who probably didnt know better) is not right.

were you raised in Woodstock? seriously? hippies, baby boomers and people fulfilling their dreams... not many of them around in Ireland when I was growing up think that is the USA

I will say that I do think if someone smokes around their kids now, they are not being a good parent.

What I am opposing is the sanctimonius judgementalism that is sprouted from a a contemporary obsessionality with perfectionistic parenting.

You smoke in the house therefore you are selfish and don't give a crap about your child, nor did you parents give a crap about you. Maybe they do lots of other things that make them a better parent than you are, maybe as a non smoker your toxic judgypantsness is teaching your kid how to be a dick.... talking about 2nd hand emotional smog......

My dad not only smoked in the house, he sent me across the road at 6 years olf to buy his cigarettes!!! OH GOD may the flames of bad parenting hell come up and lick his dead soul.

And yeah parents did know about the effects of smoke and also of pot smoke and they didn't give a ****. They even bought pot for their kids. By kids I mean 13+.

madeinamerica

zeffabelli wrote: »

What I am opposing is the sanctimonius judgementalism that is sprouted from a a contemporary obsessionality with perfectionistic parenting.

You smoke in the house therefore you are selfish and don't give a crap about your child, nor did you parents give a crap about you. Maybe they do lots of other things that make them a better parent than you are, maybe as a non smoker your toxic judgypantsness is teaching your kid how to be a dick.... talking about 2nd hand emotional smog......

My dad not only smoked in the house, he sent me across the road at 6 years olf to buy his cigarettes!!! OH GOD may the flames of bad parenting hell come up and lick his dead soul.

And yeah parents did know about the effects of smoke and also of pot smoke and they didn't give a ****. They even bought pot for their kids. By kids I mean 13+.

Perhaps the wording is the issue here. No one is a perfect parent. Rather than "good' or 'bad' parents, it might be truer to say that smoking around kids and knowing it is bad for their health is not a good thing for a parent to do.

If you still think it is ok for parents to smoke around kids, knowing that it is bad for the kids, then we'll just have to agree to disagree.

zeffabelli

madeinamerica wrote: »

Perhaps the wording is the issue here. No one is a perfect parent. Rather than "good' or 'bad' parents, it might be truer to say that smoking around kids and knowing it is bad for their health is not a good thing for a parent to do.

If you still think it is ok for parents to smoke around kids, knowing that it is bad for the kids, then we'll just have to agree to disagree.

I think parents are better in some ways and not better in other ways.... but honestly I am not going to make a claim on who gives a **** about their kids and who doesn't based on a weakness, a flaw, a blindness etc.

She may be making an error in judgement but a character assassination she does not deserve, unless of course the person doing it is a perfect parent themselves........ according to some set of standards I did not consent to of course.

Sligo1

zeffabelli wrote: »

I think parents are better in some ways and not better in other ways.... but honestly I am not going to make a claim on who gives a **** about their kids and who doesn't based on a weakness, a flaw, a blindness etc.

She may be making an error in judgement but a character assassination she does not deserve, unless of course the person doing it is a perfect parent themselves........ according to some set of standards I did not consent to of course.

They may not be a bad parent. But they are certainly an ignoramus. Or perhaps not very well educated imho. And yes perhaps in the 80/90s people were becoming aware that smoking was bad for their health. But in the 70s/80s I don't think they were aware that passive smoking was bad for ones health. And that lady's (the one who smokes constantly in the house around her child) poor child is definitely at risk if it is an everyday occurrence. If she is educated and aware of the harm she is doing to her child than she is being a complete ignoramus in this certain aspect. TAKE NOTE.... I have not said she is a bad parent.

freshpopcorn

I don't smoke and am very sensitive to the smell of smoke. My father's friend is a smoker and was chatting to my father one day through the window of the car. He wasn't smoking at the time. I sat into the car a couple of days later and I could get the smell of smoke.
In my honest opinion unless the woman gives up smoking your daughter is still going to come home smelling of smoke.

pwurple

Ah guys, this is very harsh calling them names. Both my parents and my husband's parents smoke or smoked. One of them has smoking related cancer. They still smoke. It's chemically addictive. I know my mum hates it, she thinks it is disgusting and hates the smell, knows the damage it does. Not ignorant, not stupid, not a bad parent.

I have a relative who keeps a lot of animals in the house . (20+). I don't like the children smelling like a litter tray, but I see want to see those people. so I invite them to our house instead, or we meet at the park. It's no biggie.

It's not that hard to avoid it discreetly. Just make the play dates be elsewhere.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

It doesn't matter whether they're addicted or not. They're not allowed go into a pub or a restaurant and blow smoke into other people's lungs so why is it acceptable to do it to kids and pass it off as "it's an addiction?" I agree that nobody has the right to tell her what to do in her own home but let's not make any bones about the fact if she's smoking in close proximity to the kids then she's selfish af

Sligo1

Yes I have to agree. My MIL smokes and she smokes in her house. But any time I bring the kids over at least she has the decency to smoke outside. If she smoked in front of my children in her own house... Well id simply stop bringing them over.

madeinamerica

Sligo1 wrote: »

Yes I have to agree. My MIL smokes and she smokes in her house. But any time I bring the kids over at least she has the decency to smoke outside. If she smoked in front of my children in her own house... Well id simply stop bringing them over.

For me, this is the most important point here.

I think it it very wrong to demonize people because of an addiction they can't control, especially people who have been smoking for years. But smokers can choose to smoke somewhere else.

(coming from an ex-smoker who would still love a fag)

Sligo1

madeinamerica wrote: »

For me, this is the most important point here.

I think it it very wrong to demonize people because of an addiction they can't control, especially people who have been smoking for years. But smokers can choose to smoke somewhere else.

(coming from an ex-smoker who would still love a fag)

Precisely!