How much contact in a relationship?

LegacyUser

Hi everyone, would love some perspectives on this.

The issue I have is the amount (read lack) of contact and communication between myself and my boyfriend. We meet up once a week usually. In between this, texting is erratic. It could be every day, it could be once a week at times.

I met this guy (let's call him Bob) six months ago. I fell hook, line and sinker. The connection was instant. He's funny, kind, interesting, respectful, good looking and I love spending time with him.

Like i said, communication between us has always been a bit erratic and there have been extended periods of time where there has been no communication between us at all. This resulted in me feeling confused, wondering if the feelings were all one sided etc etc. So I brought it up with Bob and he assured this wasn't the case. He told me he is prone to anxiety and feeling down, and this is especially so when work pressures build up on him. He says when he feels stressed or has a mountain of work to do, he basically does nothing. It's like he shuts down and this includes communicating with people.

After this conversation, he was really making the effort, texting me most days, however it's slipped back to old patterns. I haven't heard from him since last Thursday. And he can't even blame it on being stressed at work because he is on holidays. He's gone back to his home place. I know he's busy visiting his parents, old friends, cousins etc but honestly, it takes twenty seconds to send a message!

The lack of contact makes me feel like I have a part time boyfriend and basically I feel like crap. I feel like I'm always waiting on him and like i always have to be the reactive one in the relationship. When I do try to be proactive, I could be waiting days for him to respond.

Has anyone any experience of this or any advice on what to do?

via4

I suffer with anxiety and i do what you bf does regularly. You described the situation very well and this is what is ahead of you. Anxiety can cripple a person and effect their relationships quite negatively. Cutting people off and not much contact is what you do as a sufferer. My advice would be to find out more about his illness and how you can help him a little with it. It sounds like he likes you and wants to be with you but anxiety can be a nightmare.

Ursus Horribilis

This opinion's not going to be popular here but are you sure you want to throw your lot in with someone who behaves like this? If his life is a series of ups and downs and shutting out the rest of the world, you're in for a rough ride. Do you really want that?

laserlad2010

Louth lady 83 wrote: »

Hi everyone, would love some perspectives on this.
<SNIP>

Hi OP,

Your boyfriend does something you really aren't happy about.
You speak to him about it, he promises to change his behaviour.
That doesn't really happen.
You're still unhappy.

If you are unhappy, and he's not changing, then the answer really is simple:
Either continue on being unhappy, or break up with him.

Its a terrible position to be in, feeling like the other person holds all the cards.

Regardless of anxiety or not, you are 100% entitled to seek a relationship where you feel happy. If this man cannot provide that, then you should end things and go seek happiness elsewhere.

I might draw flak from some posters but in all honesty you should not, and cannot, be expected to be unhappy just to make allowances for someone elses hangups.

Witchie

Hi OP, I was in a similar situation with a guy I went out with for almost 3 years. He was the sweetest guy and we had so much fun together but eventually the lack of commitment, his inability to come mix with my family and come to events as well as the feeling of being unimportant to him through his lack of communication that caused me to move on. I still love the guy to bits and he is a good friend but these things became insurmountable and I had to leave.

Basically what I am saying is some guys are not great with texting etc so if you can become comfortable with this and all else is good in your relationship then I would give it a go, but if you really feel like you need more, then break up with him coz he more than likely won't change.

LegacyUser

Odus fell down wrote: »

This opinion's not going to be popular here but are you sure you want to throw your lot in with someone who behaves like this? If his life is a series of ups and downs and shutting out the rest of the world, you're in for a rough ride. Do you really want that?

Totally agree with this. In fact I'd go a step further to say that if he isn't actively seeking help for his issues (not just talking about seeking help), then there seems little point in you staying in a relationship where you're unhappy, you know the reason why, and nothing is being done to address the reason why.

Even if he is actively seeking help, there's no guarantee that these issues causing you unhappiness won't resurface. And as the post above says, do you really want a life like that? I'd think long and hard about staying with him OP - not even so much now, as in the future: what if you had kids, will he disappear physically or shutdown emotionally if times get stressful? Same goes for all of life's stressors - illness, redundancy, elderly parents. Will you have to resign yourself to always being the one that copes with everything, so that he doesn't have to? Will he be able to support you?

I'm not meaning to run down his own problems in any way - just trying to look at it from the point of view of the effect on you OP.

LegacyUser

via4 wrote: »

I suffer with anxiety and i do what you bf does regularly. You described the situation very well and this is what is ahead of you. Anxiety can cripple a person and effect their relationships quite negatively. Cutting people off and not much contact is what you do as a sufferer. My advice would be to find out more about his illness and how you can help him a little with it. It sounds like he likes you and wants to be with you but anxiety can be a nightmare.

I was thinking about this. With all due respect to this poster, and your boyfriend, it's not your responsibility to 'fix' him. Look, he does what he does because of his issues. But it's not up to you to have to put up with that - or to learn how to suffer and help him through it. If you decide that you're willing to take his issues on, suffer the consequences, and try to help him through it - then fair enough. Thats a giant ask though, and certainly not one I'd expect from a relationship as short as yours.

I would expect him to try to sort out his issues, not you to try to learn coping mechanisms or ways to make him feel better about himself. If he's not prepared to do that, well then game over in my book. Of course it's understandable that he has a hard time with his issues; but it's also understandable that you find it hard that he drops out of your life whenever his issues pop up.

You're clearly having a hard time with how he treats you - and that's on a short term basis. I guess the question is whether you can see him massively changing, or can you put up with being treated like this long term. There are obviously reasons why he does this, but let's face it, that doesnt make you feel any better. Can you tolerate this any longer? I know I couldn't.

via4

Thats the sad thing about humanity these days. People are WAY too selfish and only thinking about their own needs.Oh my bf has problems so I will end it. In fairness everyone goes through their crap and part of a relationship is supporting your partner. This guy was brave enough to share his. Also he may be getting help these things take time he cannot just snap his fingers and get better. Its sad to think that people are that selfish they only want there own needs met i.e. constant attention and ego stroking. If the guy is not well he is going to need support but if the person they are with cannot even understand this then they are better off finding someone with no issues that are likely never to go through tough times in there lives and that there sole purpose in the relationship is to pet the other persons ego and never discuss their own personal stuff.

Witchie

via4 wrote: »

Thats the sad thing about humanity these days. People are WAY too selfish and only thinking about their own needs.Oh my bf has problems so I will end it. In fairness everyone goes through their crap and part of a relationship is supporting your partner. This guy was brave enough to share his. Also he may be getting help these things take time he cannot just snap his fingers and get better. Its sad to think that people are that selfish they only want there own needs met i.e. constant attention and ego stroking. If the guy is not well he is going to need support but if the person they are with cannot even understand this then they are better off finding someone with no issues that are likely never to go through tough times in there lives and that there sole purpose in the relationship is to pet the other persons ego and never discuss their own personal stuff.

I think this is a little unfair. She is understanding of him having problems and wanting him to get better but she is not sure if she can be the person to support him through this if he doesn't communicate with her. If she can't be that person then she is better to step aside and let that person come into his life.

In my book that is not being selfish, that is being caring.

laserlad2010

via4 wrote: »

Thats the sad thing about humanity these days. People are WAY too selfish and only thinking about their own needs.Oh my bf has problems so I will end it. In fairness everyone goes through their crap and part of a relationship is supporting your partner. This guy was brave enough to share his. Also he may be getting help these things take time he cannot just snap his fingers and get better. Its sad to think that people are that selfish they only want there own needs met i.e. constant attention and ego stroking. If the guy is not well he is going to need support but if the person they are with cannot even understand this then they are better off finding someone with no issues that are likely never to go through tough times in there lives and that there sole purpose in the relationship is to pet the other persons ego and never discuss their own personal stuff.

That's nonsense. Bottom line here - she asked him to try harder to communicate with her when he was feeling down, instead he ignored her for days. You can't use any excuses for that.

Fair enough if he is depressed and speaks to her about it - that's being supportive. Or goes a few hours feeling numb, or overwhelmed. However, if she doesn't even cross his mind - what sort of relationship do they have?

Sitting by the phone and waiting for him to remember her? You'd be well within your rights to walk.