Temper

suze.two

My bf and I have 2 lovely happy little boys together. When he and I get on, it' s amazing. But when we don't it feels like the world is going to end. It doesn't happen often, but when it does, it's awful.

Last night, a girl snapchatted him in the middle of the night. It turned out to be harmless, but I asked him about it when getting in bed. I won't lie, I was upset. He flew off the handle, stormed to the spare room, slamming doors and shouting. My two boys were in bits, esp my older one. I don't shout back, but I went to the landing where my bf was throwing my thing all over the place and asked him to stop. He pushed me while holding my crying little boy.

I can't help but hate him a bit for it.

He has a terrible temper. It's got him in trouble before and he's promised to go to counselling, but time goes on from when he made the promise and so he convinces himself he doesn't need it, then gets angry at me for suggesting it again. Today, we're ok again, but I don't know what to do.

StripedBoxers

Leave him. If he hasn't stuck to counselling so far, I doubt he ever will.

His behaviour is not normal, acceptable or healthy and its completely unfair for your two children to have to witness their father behaving in such a disgusting way towards their mother, or frankly, anyone.

If it continues are your children going to grow up afraid of their own father because of his temper? Or are they going to learn from daddy that it's okay to treat people as he is treating you? He sounds like an out and out thug.

Personally, I would leave him, easy for me to say that though. It's a tough and horrible situation and made even more difficult by having two innocent and defenseless children caught up in the mix.

I would remove myself and my kids from any relationship where violence and that level of anger was present, its not fair or healthy to bring children up in such an environment, and it is absolutely no good for you either, as their mother.

You, as their mother, have a duty to care for and protect your children and by keeping them in this environment you are not protecting them.

If he pushed you while you were holding your baby, what's to say he won't physically hurt or attack either of your kids when you aren't around or if he seriously hurt you and you were unable to physically protect your kids?

This man is a danger to you and your kids, get out now and get away from him.

I would be informing the guards as well, he needs a serious kick up the arse.

LegacyUser

http://www.womensaid.ie/

Never mind what he's going to do about his temper, focus on what you're going to do about your safety. And don't convince yourself the calms between incidents are the real him, they're not. Shoving you, throwing your stuff and reacting violently to a question is the real him. Put up with, minimise it, let him away with and all those other things sufferers of abuse do and it will almost certainly get worse as he gets bolder while your self-esteem weakens.

A few good days here and there means nothing, you're in a toxic, dangerous relationship and you and the kids will be safer and better of away from him, no matter how difficult it is to start that separation.

oceanid

suze.two wrote: »

My bf and I have 2 lovely happy little boys together. When he and I get on, it' s amazing. But when we don't it feels like the world is going to end. It doesn't happen often, but when it does, it's awful.

Violence is never acceptable in a relationship, whether a one time event or however many times. Relationships and families are supposed to be about love. Allowing violence into the home where there are children is so much more serious than if it was just two people in relationship. The two of you are together by choice. Your children deserve to be in a home where they can feel safe and protected.

Last night, a girl snapchatted him in the middle of the night. It turned out to be harmless, but I asked him about it when getting in bed. I won't lie, I was upset. He flew off the handle, stormed to the spare room, slamming doors and shouting. My two boys were in bits, esp my older one. I don't shout back, but I went to the landing where my bf was throwing my thing all over the place and asked him to stop. He pushed me while holding my crying little boy.

You've allowed a monster in in this case, someone who is unpredictable who can explode in a most selfish way when he doesn't like something, and to hell with consequences.

I can't help but hate him a bit for it.

Your feelings for this man are really your own business.

What you need to understand is that your children are being deeply affected by these outbursts. While in your adult mind you can say to yourself things like "it doesn't happen often" etc, to a child it's something much more frightening.

He has a terrible temper. It's got him in trouble before and he's promised to go to counselling, but time goes on from when he made the promise and so he convinces himself he doesn't need it, then gets angry at me for suggesting it again.

So if talking isn't an option, what's left?

Today, we're ok again, but I don't know what to do.

If you love your children, what to do next should be clear- you get them to a place where they are safe. What you do not do is go round the day after pretending nothing happened.

You are knowingly exposing your children to danger by keeping them under the same roof as this man...

If you are really at a loss as to what to do or don't feel you can move on your own, please reach out to a family member or someone you can trust for help.

deisemum

You are in an abusive relationship, it's one thing to put up with it yourself but you are just as guilty of abuse as he is for bringing your children up in an abusive household if you stay with him.

If you stay with him you are teaching your children that it's ok to abuse people, you have a choice whether you stay in an abusive relationship or not, your children don't and it's your duty to protect them. If you stay with him don't be surprised if they end up hating you when they're older.

Neyite

The previous posters are right. Its domestic abuse. Right now, he is in the honeymoon/ calm phase of the cycle. Apologies, promises, remorse etc are all happening now. But in a while, the tension will build up again until he erupts. And so the cycle continues.

Just so you know, its not about you being upset, or the snapchat that triggered him off. Its about him using any reason he can to justify his abuse. It could just have easily been the wrong kind of dinner, or a stray toy.

He pushed me while holding my crying little boy.

For a lot of women, seeing your child get caught in the crossfire or seeing their children get hurt is where they seem to realise that life is not normal anymore, and that its damaging to them. The next time, a fist intended for you could land on one of your babies. Chilling thought, isnt it?

Stop focusing your energies on him. You cant change him and you cant persuade him to change. Today, just do one thing: just ring Womens Aid on 1800 341 900 (10am to 10pm) and arrange to talk to someone. They will discuss you leaving him but if you arent ready for that just yet and want to stay with him then they can discuss ways to keep yourself safe. They are non judgemental and will support you no matter what you want to do.

Rubberchikken

no matter how great things are when times are good, stop and think about the damage his behaviour is having on your children. it's his temper and he should be well capable of controlling it, but unless he's willing to get serious help, you have a lifetime of this and worse ahead of you.

you may not leave now, or get him to leave now. you may not be ready for that. but hopefully someday you will be. in the meantime ring womens aid, talk to your family, gp. tell them what is happening. don't feel you have to deal with it alone.

good luck

stargazer 68

Op I have told this story on here before but anyway: a friend of mine married a man she thought she could change because the good times were good. He gave her a black eye on their honeymoon! They had a little girl but the abuse continued. One day she was in the kitchen with the 3 year old beside her. He started an argument over something trivial and then threw a knife at her in temper. The knife stuck in her leg inches from the little girl. She picked up her daughter up and left the house. She never went back for anything - just left with what they stood in.

But it took that to make her see what he was - don't wait to take action OP. I know its easy for us to say leave him etc but at least reach out to someone as a start.

Starokan

If that's his reaction to a relatively small incident what will he be like when something major occurs

Guys like him with tempers like that just cannot control themselves, he will eventually hurt you or someone close to you.

If he refuses to get help then get out would be my advice

LegacyUser

Starokan wrote: »

If he refuses to get help then get out would be my advice

Never mind waiting until he refuses to get help, it's not the OP's job to fix him or to stay in a dangerous situation hoping things will get better. You get out when he's shown his true colours, not some point after when things have escalated.

deisemum

Does he lose his temper over minor things like this with other people such as family, friends and colleagues?

suze.two

deisemum wrote: »

You are in an abusive relationship, it's one thing to put up with it yourself but you are just as guilty of abuse as he is for bringing your children up in an abusive household if you stay with him.

If you stay with him you are teaching your children that it's ok to abuse people, you have a choice whether you stay in an abusive relationship or not, your children don't and it's your duty to protect them. If you stay with him don't be surprised if they end up hating you when they're older.

It's very difficult to open up to this kind of thing and a reply like this has fed my biggest fears. I wouldn't be here asking for help, and looking for support if I was planning in my heart to stay. If I'm being honest, I've come on here looking for other people's opinions to back up my own.

I think I am slowly, slowly building up the courage to leave. I do really love him, but he's unreliable and his temper is terrible. This is not, I assure you, as black and white as you might think for a person in the situation. I go through terrible episodes of thinking I'm the only person who can help him, and maybe he'll change. I'm in tears reading your replies. Thank you.

Neyite

It might not feel it OP, but you've taken a big step already in your head - you've admitted that something is fundamentally wrong here. From now on, you know that you are working towards a brighter and better future for you and your boys.

I'm like a broken record recommending a particular book but this one is a good one. You can download a kindle app and read it on your phone even.

LegacyUser

With all due respect, OP, what you feel for him is not "love". You are in fear of him, something no man or woman should feel in any relationship.

For you, and your children's sake get out!

oceanid

suze.two wrote: »

This is not, I assure you, as black and white as you might think for a person in the situation. I go through terrible episodes of thinking I'm the only person who can help him, and maybe he'll change.

Hi OP, No-one is saying this will be a simple or easy to decision to make. It could in some way be the hardest thing you'll ever do to leave this man, the home you had settled in and start a new life for you and your children.
Somewhere though you know there's a decision to be made. I suppose you have step outside the situation a bit and try and see it for what it is. Try and think about it in terms of right and wrong, rather than what you hope will happen.
A while ago, and it might not have been easy either, but you did what was right then by trying to talk to your boyfriend and suggest the idea of getting help. That was absolutely the right thing at the time. The situation is different now as you realise to do that again would probably lead to him losing his temper.
So you have to be smart about this.
No-one can say it's impossible that he'll ever change, no-one can predict what will happen years from now...
When deciding on this you have to look at the facts of what is happening and what has happened up to now. If you want to then think about the future, think of it like this -
The odds are very much that he's not going to change. That odds are that if he does change in the future, it will take some major consequence in his life - something like a serious injury to someone, maybe by pushing them the wrong way, or spending time in prison etc. Maybe it will take losing people who were close to him to decide eventually to change.

Simply, you are taking too much on yourself by making yourself responsible somehow for him changing.
You are very attached to him, that is clear. You have to start changing that, start detaching and start realising that this behaviour has nothing to do with you. Whatever it is that makes him act like this, it runs deep and it's beyond you to take on and imagine you can change.

So the point is, it is highly unlikely that he will change, and even if he does, it's never going to happen while you and children are living with him.

He is actually nowhere even close to getting help if you think about -he doesn't even admit a problem. That's a very long way from being open to getting help.

Lola18

Op I have an idea of how your feeling, I was in a similar situation before.when it was good it was great but it didnt take much for it to turn bad. The smallest of things would set my partner off. He'd get deffensive over nothing and everything that went wrong had some way of being my fault. He kept talking about counselling but never followed through until I left.
It took me soo long to finally leave him id try then he'd talk me round to staying, he doesnt get on with much of his family so I felt he needed me, he used to threaten suicide if I went as hed have nothing.

By staying you cant help him, leave. Its hard but it will be worth it, he may even change and get help when he realises what hes lost.

suze.two

Lola18 wrote: »

Op I have an idea of how your feeling, I was in a similar situation before.when it was good it was great but it didnt take much for it to turn bad. The smallest of things would set my partner off. He'd get deffensive over nothing and everything that went wrong had some way of being my fault. He kept talking about counselling but never followed through until I left.
It took me soo long to finally leave him id try then he'd talk me round to staying, he doesnt get on with much of his family so I felt he needed me, he used to threaten suicide if I went as hed have nothing.

By staying you cant help him, leave. Its hard but it will be worth it, he may even change and get help when he realises what hes lost.

This post has really hit home with me. It's almost like I wrote it myself. The only difference is, he doesn't get suicidal if I threaten to leave, he gets kind of arrogant, like "I'll be ok anyway, f@*k you and f*@k off". Everything else is identical. If you don't mind me asking, what was your breaking point that made you leave?

Lola18

suze.two wrote: »

This post has really hit home with me. It's almost like I wrote it myself. The only difference is, he doesn't get suicidal if I threaten to leave, he gets kind of arrogant, like "I'll be ok anyway, f@*k you and f*@k off". Everything else is identical. If you don't mind me asking, what was your breaking point that made you leave?

He got like that too "dont need you" then when id go to walk would change.
Id just had enough being called and idiot/thick ****/stupid ****. Trying to judge his mood so I knew how I should act to avoid any negativity. I might say something jokingly and hed get thick i was tip toeing around so as not to rock the boat.
I finally opened up to a friend.This was hard because its not that he was such a bad person, he just hadnt got a hold on his emotions and had a lot of anger built up inside due to a bad upbringing.She did at first think I was mad for staying with him so long but she did see where I was coming from in the end.
I loved him to bits but leaving was the best thing I done for both of us, hes got himself sorted out. People did put him down....alot, and it was horrible because I didnt want to make him out to be an awful person but at certain times he was.

suze.two

This is exactly how I feel. He has some lovely qualities, but his upbringing was shocking. He used to go out (before we met) and get into fights, which would often lead to him getting arrested. Instead of intervening, his mother took out a life insurance policy on him so she wouldn't get caught for his funeral expenses. That is really only the tip of the iceberg, I can't emphasise that enough.

It's only when he loses his temper or drinks that it's terrible. He has, if I'm being honest left marks on me, when he's been drunk before.

When I say it out, or in this case, type it here, it sounds so bad, and I would tell anyone else to run miles and miles and miles away. But being caught in the middle, it just doesn't feel like that. I keep thinking there's some way to change everything. I even feel disloyal to him for posting here - maybe I'm being crazy? - because it feels just like a normal relationship right now. It's just sometimes, I just don't know what to do. Can he change? Has anyone any experience of people like him changing?

To negative posters: please keep your opinions to yourself. My self-esteem is on the ground, but I still have enough sense to know a troll post from someone who can't empathise with this situation at all, and just wants to bash for the sake of it. If you can't truly imagine what it would feel like to be in this situation, or have been in similar before, don't post. I know most of the posters here have been fantastic and I can't tell you how much it helps. But telling me I'm guilty of abusing my children because of being caught up in this situation is not at all helpful when I already am battling demons in my head of failing my children and feeling weak.

Lola18

Honestly I think he can change, but he needs to really realise what hes actually doing. You need to take some time away from him, lets him see that you cant take it anymore. Otherwise he'll just assume no matter what he does you'll stick around and may not see a need to change or simply why he should bother.
It took quite a while but mine did change we're together again and going good so far .

suze.two

Lola18 wrote: »

Honestly I think he can change, but he needs to really realise what hes actually doing. You need to take some time away from him, lets him see that you cant take it anymore. Otherwise he'll just assume no matter what he does you'll stick around and may not see a need to change or simply why he should bother.
It took quite a while but mine did change we're together again and going good so far .

Thanks Lola18, I think you're right and I think that's what I've done wrong so far. I've threatened and threatened but it's just too easy to fall back into comfortable ways, because I want to as well. I think I really need to do it. I mean, at the minute it's all good, but I know it's definitely only a matter of time before he kicks off again. Even that I can say that make me feel pathetic.

Lola18

No problem, I done the very same, threatened and threatened to leave but just couldnt. Im not going to lie, its hard, very hard to actually follow through! I hope things work out for you both

Ursus Horribilis

It would help if you spoke to someone. Women's Aid maybe. I know you don't enjoy reading the negative posts but you've got to understand that it's an emotive topic for those of us who are reading this too. It's horrible to read about people like your boyfriend and the domestic violence. And yeah I'm sorry that your self esteem us on the floor and that you feel hostile towards people that are angered and upset that you're keeping your children in such an environment. If it was my nieces or nephews in your hpuse I'd not like to be responsible for my actions quite frankly.

I hope you find the courage to get our of there before your choices damage your kids. If you can't leave for you, leave for them. Children are not stupid.

suze.two

Odus fell down wrote: »

It would help if you spoke to someone. Women's Aid maybe. I know you don't enjoy reading the negative posts but you've got to understand that it's an emotive topic for those of us who are reading this too. It's horrible to read about people like your boyfriend and the domestic violence. And yeah I'm sorry that your self esteem us on the floor and that you feel hostile towards people that are angered and upset that you're keeping your children in such an environment. If it was my nieces or nephews in your hpuse I'd not like to be responsible for my actions quite frankly.

I hope you find the courage to get our of there before your choices damage your kids. If you can't leave for you, leave for them. Children are not stupid.

It's not a matter of hostility. It's how I wish I hadn't opened up to anyone on this forum when I read replies that are criticising me. I'm acknowledging something's wrong. I'm asking for advice, help and support. I don't need to hear from all the superior people out there who never find themselves in any kind of dilemma how everything I'm doing and trying to survive is all wrong.

Thanks to the people offering support. I feel stronger reading your comments.

zeffabelli

Ok OP.

Let's get some perspective because I think most of the responses here are disproportionate and reactive.

The three Bs of domestic violence: bruises, breaks and blood. Is there a pattern? Think over this.

2. Slamming doors and shouting is not a reason to call the cops or start labels of domestic violence. Unpleasant yes, DV? No.

3. What time was the snapcgat text? How tired was he? Has there been a history of suspicion? In otherwords, what is the context?

4. Patterns? How often does he snap?

5. Has he pushed you before? In what context?

6. If he had pushed you before and he had a temper and you know this why did you follow him when his first instinct was to flee and get some space/autonomy and do do holding a baby? I'm not legitimising the aggression but must conflict comes from someone needing some autonomy.

I despair over the lectures at you over the quality of your mothering, when no one knows what is going on. Ignore the ignorance. For all we know they have also seen a lot of kindness, love and affection. Also don't take it personally, it's likely some people still mad at their own non abusive parent for not protecting them from the abusive ones and taking it out on you..... funny how abuse breeds abuse...anyhow....

He is not a monster. He is a flawed man who has to face himself and isn't mature enough to do it yet. But he has to.

Divorce and splitting had transgeneratiknal aftershocks and I really hate the way it's the default choice in these boards.

No one can or should decide thus but the two of you.

People can and do change, every day. But it might or might not take you leaving him to do that.

oceanid

zeffabelli wrote: »

Slamming doors and shouting is not a reason to call the cops or start labels of domestic violence. Unpleasant yes, DV? No.

The OP said the children were in bits. An angry aggressive man in the middle of the night storms out, slams doors, shouting, throwing things on the landing with children around - probably who were asleep when it kicked off.
The OP said it's like the end of the world when it happens.

I think we have to believe the OP's own account of things rather than go off speculating or trying to minimise what's she's saying.

It's only when he loses his temper or drinks that it's terrible. He has, if I'm being honest left marks on me, when he's been drunk before.

laserlad2010

OP,

You've come onto this site looking for a fresh perspective. Some of the opinions offered to you may seem harsh, but you need to read them regardless.

Plenty of posters have pointed you in the direction of support groups - have you approached them already?

To be honest, you talk so candidly of being physically injured by this man. Can you honestly, hand on heart say he would never hurt the children? Or shout at them? Emotionally abuse them? Has he done this already?

To an outsider, with or without children, it is clear that both your safety, and your children's safety, are the number one concern here. He has hit you. He may well do so again. He may well hit the children. They are so observant of the world around them that, as a professional who works with children, I can guarantee you that the environment is having a negative impact on their lives.

To argue otherwise is dangerously naive, and I'm sorry if that upsets you.

The danger here, also, is that with messages of total and unwavering sympathy you will slip back into your old routine with this man. Some posters are trying to shock you into action, by reminding you of your obligation to protect your children.

Please, please, please take a small step towards leaving this man. The worse case scenarios in this situation are almost unthinkable - except they have happened to other women and children.

You don't have to leave him today. However, you really, really need to take a tiny step - call Women's Aid, or another agency, and just talk. Perhaps the next time you'll talk for longer. Or visit them. Or leave. Only you can decide.

Detached Retina

zeffabelli wrote: »

Ok OP.

Let's get some perspective because I think most of the responses here are disproportionate and reactive.

The three Bs of domestic violence: bruises, breaks and blood. Is there a pattern? Think over this.

2. Slamming doors and shouting is not a reason to call the cops or start labels of domestic violence. Unpleasant yes, DV? No.

3. What time was the snapcgat text? How tired was he? Has there been a history of suspicion? In otherwords, what is the context?

4. Patterns? How often does he snap?

5. Has he pushed you before? In what context?

6. If he had pushed you before and he had a temper and you know this why did you follow him when his first instinct was to flee and get some space/autonomy and do do holding a baby? I'm not legitimising the aggression but must conflict comes from someone needing some autonomy.

I despair over the lectures at you over the quality of your mothering, when no one knows what is going on. Ignore the ignorance. For all we know they have also seen a lot of kindness, love and affection. Also don't take it personally, it's likely some people still mad at their own non abusive parent for not protecting them from the abusive ones and taking it out on you..... funny how abuse breeds abuse...anyhow....

He is not a monster. He is a flawed man who has to face himself and isn't mature enough to do it yet. But he has to.

Divorce and splitting had transgeneratiknal aftershocks and I really hate the way it's the default choice in these boards.

No one can or should decide thus but the two of you.

People can and do change, every day. But it might or might not take you leaving him to do that.

Domestic abuse goes beyond just the physical, no?

zeffabelli

oceanid wrote: »

The OP said the children were in bits. An angry aggressive man in the middle of the night storms out, slams doors, shouting, throwing things on the landing with children around - probably who were asleep when it kicked off.
The OP said it's like the end of the world when it happens.

I think we have to believe the OP's own account of things rather than go off speculating or trying to minimise what's she's saying.

I'm not minimising I'm trying to get a clearer picture. With detail.

When I complain about my sons table manners to my friend, he gets an image of a child throwing his plates off the table, when I'm talking fidgeting....

We can often draw pictures based in the emotions a speaker is transmitting and not get the context or ask some questions,

Im trying to get a more detailed picture.

DV is a pattern of violence. What worries me is the absent party being verified as an abuser and op being made more and more scared and next thing you know we have another dad who can't see his kids because a bunch of people on the Internet told her she was a bad mother for exposing them to an abuser.

Neyite

Domestic Abuse is what it's correctly termed as now, and experts include verbal abuse, threats, sexual abuse financial abuse, gaslighting and many other forms of non-physical abuse of a partner under the umbrella of Domestic Abuse. Gardai and Women's Aid, and Social Services agree on this.

The ways of old, where a person had to be beaten to a pulp before Gardai and other professionals could help are thankfully gone. People here have been sharing their experiences of domestic abuse in all its forms and urging the OP to seek help from professionals.

Starokan

suze.two wrote: »

It's not a matter of hostility. It's how I wish I hadn't opened up to anyone on this forum when I read replies that are criticising me. I'm acknowledging something's wrong. I'm asking for advice, help and support. I don't need to hear from all the superior people out there who never find themselves in any kind of dilemma how everything I'm doing and trying to survive is all wrong.

Thanks to the people offering support. I feel stronger reading your comments.

Everything is a matter of perspective op, by perspective I mean its how you view the post, posters on boards do not tend to occupy the middle ground , the nature of the problems people post generally result in people offering the ideal solution to the problem, 99 times out of 100 in a case like you presented the answer will be walk away. This simple answer does not however really take into account the huge array of emotions that you have to go through to make that decision.

When you mention domestic abuse its a very emotive topic , some people will show empathy towards you, others will immediately focus all their empathy on the kids involved , in both cases the resulting post can be highly charged and while I can see how you see criticism in this you really should not as virtually all the posters here are posting from a place where they are concerned about you and/or the children.

No one wants to see you in this place suffering this type of turmoil every day but to end it you have to do something about it , you have to make the decision you are putting off which is stay or go - once you make that decision you need to put all your energies into making that decision work for you and your family.

It's blatantly obvious that with the odd exception the prevailing opinion is get out as quick as you can, the reason that opinion is prevailing is that all the posters understand one thing, leaving is not the end of your life, it opens up a door for you to a better life , to meet someone who is not going to show the violent characteristics that your partner is exhibiting. They post in such a vehement way because they care about you even though they do not know you, its the essence of what this forum is about.

One way or another you must take some form of action, the time for indecision is past now, you know the problem exists and by the nature of being a mother you have a duty to protect both yourself and your kids from experiencing it again.

This thread has changed my opinion, I can be pretty middle ground in the way I approach things, earlier I posted about your partner seeking help and you staying etc & another poster picked me up on it. Their comment made me sit back and think and honestly now I do feel you should walk because there will be a better life out there for you.

However I do know how difficult this decision is for you in fact I suspect you will definitely stay which is why I am now commenting on that outcome, if you do stay you it absolutely cannot be on his terms which is basically do nothing, it must be on your terms which is seek help, if you cannot get even that concession then what point is there for you to stay, there is zero respect for your opinions

zeffabelli

Neyite wrote: »

Domestic Abuse is what it's correctly termed as now, and experts include verbal abuse, threats, sexual abuse financial abuse, gaslighting and many other forms of non-physical abuse of a partner under the umbrella of Domestic Abuse. Gardai and Women's Aid, and Social Services agree on this.

The ways of old, where a person had to be beaten to a pulp before Gardai and other professionals could help are thankfully gone. People here have been sharing their experiences of domestic abuse in all its forms and urging the OP to seek help from professionals.

Yes, as a cluster .... One or two swallows does not a summer make.

There is not enough data here to upheaval a household when Dublin is in the middle of a housing crisis, there are kids at stake.

I don't necessarily agree with some of the so called updated definitions.... One of which includes using logic in an argument, though not on your list above.

Sometimes relationships are Sadi masochisric, but there remains parity... Sometimes human aggression needs to be expressed ... But learned how to be expressed in mutually acceptable ways.

My boy is in 2nd class. His teacher shouts all day and bangs the table and scares the **** out of them all day according to him and his peers. So now shouting and slamming objects is categorised as abuse?... Sorry but no...Don't agree.

One you left out of your list is false accusations, accusations of cheating.... A big flag... Which is why we need more data around the snap chat text, what Op means by "I got upset," and why follow someone who left the room who was in a temper ... The picture here is partial....

suze.two

zeffabelli wrote: »

Yes, as a cluster .... One or two swallows does not a summer make.

There is not enough data here to upheaval a household when Dublin is in the middle of a housing crisis, there are kids at stake.

I don't necessarily agree with some of the so called updated definitions.... One of which includes using logic in an argument, though not on your list above.

Sometimes relationships are Sadi masochisric, but there remains parity... Sometimes human aggression needs to be expressed ... But learned how to be expressed in mutually acceptable ways.

My boy is in 2nd class. His teacher shouts all day and bangs the table and scares the **** out of them all day according to him and his peers. So now shouting and slamming objects is categorised as abuse?... Sorry but no...Don't agree.

One you left out of your list is false accusations, accusations of cheating.... A big flag... Which is why we need more data around the snap chat text, what Op means by "I got upset," and why follow someone who left the room who was in a temper ... The picture here is partial....

Can I ask, if you suspect your partner of cheating...it's now abuse to ask? I didn't actually accuse him FYI, I asked who the girl was and that was enough to set him off.

LegacyUser

zeffabelli wrote: »

Yes, as a cluster .... One or two swallows does not a summer make.

There is not enough data here to upheaval a household when Dublin is in the middle of a housing crisis, there are kids at stake.

I don't necessarily agree with some of the so called updated definitions.... One of which includes using logic in an argument, though not on your list above.

Sometimes relationships are Sadi masochisric, but there remains parity... Sometimes human aggression needs to be expressed ... But learned how to be expressed in mutually acceptable ways.

My boy is in 2nd class. His teacher shouts all day and bangs the table and scares the **** out of them all day according to him and his peers. So now shouting and slamming objects is categorised as abuse?... Sorry but no...Don't agree.

One you left out of your list is false accusations, accusations of cheating.... A big flag... Which is why we need more data around the snap chat text, what Op means by "I got upset," and why follow someone who left the room who was in a temper ... The picture here is partial....

OP, ignore this nonsense. It's psychobabble attempting to rationalise and defend behaviour that deserves neither. It's actually gaslighting by proxy.

And yes, that teacher's behaviour is very wrong, scaring and stressing children is disgraceful and educational practise has moved on. The fact that you don't agree with that really says more about your thinking on these issues than anything else.

zeffabelli

Guessed wrote: »

OP, ignore this nonsense. It's psychobabble attempting to rationalise and defend behaviour that deserves neither. It's actually gaslighting by proxy.

And yes, that teacher's behaviour is very wrong, scaring and stressing children is disgraceful and educational practise has moved on. The fact that you don't agree with that really says more about your thinking on these issues than anything else.

Ok and now you're accusing me of gas lighting.... Which means you don't know what it is in the first place.

The fact that I don't agree yes says more about my thinking, in that I'm capable of being rational and not brainwashed by infantilising victim culture, so thank you for the complement.

I try to read through the facts and will ask questions rather than blindly having a reactive response.

Really are you going to call social services on the teacher? That is utterly ridiculous. And the parents would hate you because they all love her.

So there you are for different perspectives ....

dudara

Posters - that's enough. Please do not continue in this manner

dudara

Minera

Op I think you need to think to yourself is it fair that your children are growing up afraid of when daddy will lose his temper again? No matter what age they are they will remember the feeling rather than the action especially when they are very young.
Living in a house where someone has a bad temper is an awful way to live and you wake up wondering what kind of mood that person is in and tip toeing around them. Please leave, get help, do whatever it takes but the longer you stay the more it will affect your children and you. Good luck op I wish you the best

nikkibikki

Guessed wrote:

And yes, that teacher's behaviour is very wrong, scaring and stressing children is disgraceful and educational practise has moved on. The fact that you don't agree with that really says more about your thinking on these issues than anything else.

I must say I totally agree about that teacher! My child is in 2nd class too and there's no way in hell I would stand for a teacher making their pupils feel afraid of them.

OP you sound like a strong and assertive person answering some difficult, and unnecessary, posts here. I think you know what you need to do and you can do it.