Sexless relationship. What to do?

LegacyUser

Hello peeps. I’m going unregistered for this post if ye don’t mind. I‘m in the unfortunate position of having a pretty much non existent sex life for the past number of months and I seem to be unable to make any progress on getting things back to normal, whatever that is. I’m hoping you can advise me on what I should do.
Bf and I are together about 11 months now and all sexual activity in the bedroom department has stopped. In all other respects I feel we are perfect for eachother and we get on so well, never fight no-matter how much time we spend together. I’m really not willing at this point to give up this relationship because of sex. At least without working at it. We are both 30. And he’s so supportive of things I enjoy, like I recently took up running instead of the gym just to be out in the fresh air. He’s very fit, I’m really slow but he offers to come running too to keep me company and encourage me on!
And I am 100% sure that there is no physical issue here. He eats very healthily and exercises a fair bit so he is quite fit and is in very good physical shape, which makes my predicament all the more frustrating! He is always rock hard when we snuggle up in bed or on the couch so it’s not ED or anything like that.
But its not like he’s a cold fish - he is actually a very warm and affectionate guy, on a nite in we’ll always snuggle up together on the couch and we usually hold hands when out for a stroll etc and he always gives me this great big cuddly hug every time we meet up or part ways. When we sleep I’ll often wake up to find him snuggled into me.
We have had sex and when we did it was good, really good but it started to dwindle at about the 6 month mark and I think now it’s been about 2 months or prob more since we’ve had sex. Nowadays when we’re in bed he’ll just snuggle up onto me, we do some kissing and he’ll climb on top of me but after a while he just hops down beside me again and snuggles in and kisses me goodnight. its the same if I try initiate sex, we get aroused and passionate but then it’s as if in his head he’s like “oh well that’s enough of that, better snuggle up and go asleep now”!
He doesn’t touch me sexually anymore either, before he used to give me these lovely boob massages but now when we cuddle he actually apologies if he accidentally lands his hand on my boob. All touching is now just non-sexual type cuddling and kissing.
The back massages that used lead to sex before don’t do so anymore. Sunday morning he gave a fab back massage while straddling my bum and I thought, finally ! to myself but then he just said he’d better fix us some breakfast.
I love him so much but I’m worried.

OneOfThem

Just gotta ask him what the craic is straight out.
"Bob, so... we haven't had sex in 2 months. Is something up? Is there something you want to talk about? "

LegacyUser

I agree with above poster you need to come clean with him. Just straight out ask him. It's always better to know IMO.
Something similar happened to a friend of mine .it turns out he was bisexual and was confused about what he wanted not saying that's what's going on with your fella but you'll never know till you ask. Communication is key!

Akarinn

Does he watch porn? Honestly if a dude gets addicted to that stuff and finds it better then real sex he may not want it anymore. It being sex.

Barely There

Have you tried asking him?

seenitall

Hi OP,

you really should bring this up with him. Why haven't you? Sex is a very natural thing for a young couple to be doing and it's not good or healthy for anyone to be expected to go without in a relationship indefinitely.

You say he's fit, healthy and goes hard on intimate contact. And you used to have a good sex life once. I'll be honest, to me it sounds like the issue is entirely in his head. The classic madonna-whore thing, because sex is seen as something dirty, something he does to women he has no attachment to or affection for. When emotions enter the equation, he doesn't let himself go there any more. "How could I fcuk her, I love her!" type of thing.

I know I know, it's all messed up, but I'm telling you from experience, this mentality is still out there. I used to be with a guy where he was like a sex-machine, he was fit, healthy, his libido was really high and the sex was amazing. Yet after the 6 months mark, it started to fall off considerably, and the alarm bells started ringing for me, because once I even realised he was masturbating right beside me in bed (with porn - also a possible factor for you to consider, as the above poster said). There was nothing wrong with him, his libido was as high as ever. We broke up soon after. He later told me that he loses desire for a woman once he starts to have feelings for her.

I may be wrong, but your situation reminds me of that experience a lot.

Talk to him, get to the bottom of it and see what can be done, or if it's a non-starter, because I don't need to tell you, you're too young to spend your life in a sexless relationship.

Good luck.

LegacyUser

Yes I have asked him about it on a couple of occasions. I don’t like quizzing because I suppose sex is an emotional topic for a lot of people and I don’t want to be pressurising him.
First time I asked him about it was after he went from passionate frolics back to cuddling I said in a playful manner “so is this a *to be continued* thing later?” he said yes and that was it. Asked was anything wrong but he insists all is fine. Was it uncomfortable for him or did my nuvaring hurt him? No, he insists that it doesn’t. He just said we can do it another time. Other time never happened.
Asked him straight out what was wrong on Sunday morning and why he keeps getting hot and then pulling back. Why have we gone from good sex to none? He says he has started to feel increasingly anxious about having sex but he can’t pinpoint it of say exactly why he feels anxious.
I’m not doing anything to make him anxious, i’m not asking him to do anything in particular or putting him under any pressure, I’m not like that.

Confucius say

It has happened to me, as in I've been your boyfriend. It was usually down to the attraction wearing off over time, while still enjoying their company and cuddling I just preferred not to have sex with them at all. It's not that I didn't find them attractive anymore just the desire had gone for some reason. It happens. You need to talk to him and find out what's up.

LegacyUser

Confucius say wrote: »

It has happened to me, as in I've been your boyfriend. It was usually down to the attraction wearing off over time, while still enjoying their company and cuddling I just preferred not to have sex with them at all. It's not that I didn't find them attractive anymore just the desire had gone for some reason. It happens. You need to talk to him and find out what's up.

I guess it's possible but, not to be conceited or anything, I would say I am attractive, I look after myself, am not overweight and I eat well and exercise a fair bit also.
It's not like I've let myself go or anything in the last few months. He often compliments me on my appearance, only Saturday he referred to me as his hot blonde überfrau? or something. Yesterday afternoon when we got back from run told me how hot I looked in my running gear, pulled me in for a cuddle & kiss and I think he got hard. Sorry, tmi but I'm pretty sure we're still into eachother, it's just the actual sex part has suffered.

Chemical Byrne

Would he be from a religious family and have some kind hang up about that or something?

From what you describe it would seem like neither physical function nor attraction is a problem?

Would he be just scared about getting you pregnant maybe? Maybe the early days of your relationship were more carefree and now that ye're more stable and established he's started to worry about these things?

Then there's the possibility that he mightn't be a very sexual person and had sex in the beginning in order to get you into a relationship and now feels like he doesn't need to have sex anymore because he `has you' so to speak?

What about when he is after drink, is there any improvement then when his inhibitions are lowered?

Merkin

notgettingit wrote: »

Yes I have asked him about it on a couple of occasions. I don’t like quizzing because I suppose sex is an emotional topic for a lot of people and I don’t want to be pressurising him.
First time I asked him about it was after he went from passionate frolics back to cuddling I said in a playful manner “so is this a *to be continued* thing later?” he said yes and that was it. Asked was anything wrong but he insists all is fine. Was it uncomfortable for him or did my nuvaring hurt him? No, he insists that it doesn’t. He just said we can do it another time. Other time never happened.
Asked him straight out what was wrong on Sunday morning and why he keeps getting hot and then pulling back. Why have we gone from good sex to none? He says he has started to feel increasingly anxious about having sex but he can’t pinpoint it of say exactly why he feels anxious.
I’m not doing anything to make him anxious, i’m not asking him to do anything in particular or putting him under any pressure, I’m not like that.

If he's feeling anxious then he needs to see a psychosexual counsellor. My first instinct was to wonder if he'd discovered he has an STD and is being treated but if he says he is anxious you have to take him at his word. I'd be concerned about him brushing your boob and then apologising, it just seems so counter intuitive for a young couple in love you know? He owes it to you to address it if it's an anxiety problem and I'd really support him in going to see someone. You can't brush it under the carpet any longer.

retro:electro

notgettingit wrote: »

I guess it's possible but, not to be conceited or anything, I would say I am attractive, I look after myself, am not overweight and I eat well and exercise a fair bit also.
It's not like I've let myself go or anything in the last few months. He often compliments me on my appearance, only Saturday he referred to me as his hot blonde überfrau? or something. Yesterday afternoon when we got back from run told me how hot I looked in my running gear, pulled me in for a cuddle & kiss and I think he got hard. Sorry, tmi but I'm pretty sure we're still into eachother, it's just the actual sex part has suffered.

Why didn't you initiate something there and then? Are you usually dependant on him to get things going? No pun intended but yesterday you had the perfect opportunity to take the bull by the horns. Maybe he's unsure and uneasy about instigating things lately? You should try

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies. I’m almost 100% sure he doesn’t have an STD. He wouldn’t be the promiscuous type and has only had 1 serious girlfriend before.

I would have often initiated the sex but recently when I’ve tried he tends to go so far and then pull back before things get too sexual and just cuddle up with me. I think it’s obvious what that I want sex at these times but I don’t want to pressure him or have to nag him for it.

I would have tried instigating yesterday only he had to go do some job or other on the parents’ farm that afternoon at home and I had to go see someone anyway. Even besides that, I know he would find some excuse to avoid having sex or just deflect when things get too passionate. I was quite upset Sunday morning when he abandoned the bedroom frolics because he’d rather go downstairs and boil some porridge.

Another thing that really upset me was one time recently we were canoodling in his bed and I asked did would he like to go further? He said yes but we couldn’t because he had no condoms, despite the fact that I had seen a full unopened box in his bedside locker a couple of days previous, it’s still there. I think he knew full well there were condoms there. And I have tried to assure him before that there is no need to use condoms because i have a nuvaring but he insists on using them, well he did.

We are going away this weekend and I really hope we can do something. I want to get to the bottom of whatever is wrong with him this week.

beks101

I'd agree with Seenitall about it being some sort of Madonna-Whore complex. It obviously isn't a physical problem and would explain the anxiety. He doesn't want to 'disrespect' you by having sex with you now that feelings run deep and he's in love with you. Has he had any longterm relationships before you and if so, has this been an issue?

You need to sit him down, outside of the bedroom, and tell him exactly how unhappy you are. That him pulling away is making you feel unloved and undesirable. That you're willing to help him and be patient with him, but a sexless relationship in the long-run is a dealbreaker.

LegacyUser

He said he gets anxious but says he can’t explain/doesn’t know why. He has had one gf, but from what I understand they didn’t have sex for over a year before he broke up with her. Oh god.
All I could think of asking him for the reason why he was anxious was is he afraid of pregnancy. He said he is to a degree but that’s not the problem as he knows its unlikely with 2 contraceptives.
I hate having to interrogate him about it. Having sex with your bf shouldn’t be a chore.

Rekop dog

You'd have to be a little concerned about any guy that uses a term like überfrau to be honest.

Merkin

notgettingit wrote: »

He said he gets anxious but says he can’t explain/doesn’t know why. He has had one gf, but from what I understand they didn’t have sex for over a year before he broke up with her. Oh god.
All I could think of asking him for the reason why he was anxious was is he afraid of pregnancy. He said he is to a degree but that’s not the problem as he knows its unlikely with 2 contraceptives.
I hate having to interrogate him about it. Having sex with your bf shouldn’t be a chore.

I'm afraid you have a significant problem on your hands then. I'd definitely recommend a qualified psychosexual counsellor as helping him is outside of your capabilities it would seem.

zeffabelli

notgettingit wrote: »

I guess it's possible but, not to be conceited or anything, I would say I am attractive, I look after myself, am not overweight and I eat well and exercise a fair bit also.
It's not like I've let myself go or anything in the last few months. He often compliments me on my appearance, only Saturday he referred to me as his hot blonde überfrau? or something. Yesterday afternoon when we got back from run told me how hot I looked in my running gear, pulled me in for a cuddle & kiss and I think he got hard. Sorry, tmi but I'm pretty sure we're still into eachother, it's just the actual sex part has suffered.

This actually doesnt matter....

It's likely the same reason it always happens....too much familiarity...are you living together?

beks101

notgettingit wrote: »

He said he gets anxious but says he can’t explain/doesn’t know why. He has had one gf, but from what I understand they didn’t have sex for over a year before he broke up with her. Oh god.

This is obviously a pattern with him then. Has he explained why he didn't have sex with his ex for over a year? Could he at least try?

Again, I'd make it clear to him that your relationship is in jeopardy if he doesn't deal with the issue.

Akarinn

I just realised that this is the exact situation I was in 1 year ago with my gf at that time. I have a high libido and she would almost avoid having sex because she had lost those feeling's for me, she enjoyed my company and loved to cuddle but sex wouldn't be there that much. We eventually broke up and I asked her what was going on when she avoided sex and she just said she lost the feelings for me to make her want to. It's hard to accept but maybe he's just not into you in that way but unfortunately sex is a huge part of an early relationship so if he actually really does love you Hel tell you straight up what's wrong, and if he doesn't... Break up. The longer you leave it the longer it will take for you to get over him.

beks101

The longer you leave this too, the more it's going to impact on your own self-esteem and mental health.

Cuddling and affection is great, but if my OH refused to have sex with me for more than a few weeks without any tangible reason or reasonable explanation given, my head wouldn't exactly be in a great place.

You've already started the "It can't be me...can it?" thought process, it's not a far-cry from "yes, yes it must be me" and a healthy, attractive woman of your age does not need to be feeling that way about herself. 11 months is no time to be together really, and certainly far FAR too early for this sort of issue to be raising its ugly head.

All I'm saying is, don't be afraid to put yourself first. Especially if this proves to be a deeply ingrained thing that your OH won't even attempt to address.

Chemical Byrne

Well op I'm an optimist about things and always give the benefit of the doubt but the fact that it was the same with his ex is a very bad omen for your relationship.
By all means work at it for a bit, help him explore his problem and perhaps recommend counselling or maybe go with him. I mean, you love each other presumably and that is what couples do. But you must realise that not all problems can be fixed.
So hope to the best, try solve it, help him if you can but be mentally prepared for the possbility that it won't work out. know in your own head when it's time to call time.
Good luck with it all!

Edit. That is, give it a chance only if he's willing to work at it. If he refuses to acknowledge it or is in denial then you might have to call it a day sooner rather than later.

Just don't let thing drag on.

CobraClan

You say you're bf is really into his fitness, is there a chance he's on the juice? That can cause problems like erectile disfunction!

retro:electro

CobraClan wrote: »

You say you're bf is really into his fitness, is there a chance he's on the juice? That can cause problems like erectile disfunction!

Op has mentioned he has no problems in getting hard.

Chemical Byrne

Juice as in steroids or something?

I don't know, would they affect sex drive even if they didn't have a side effect on erections?

I didn't get the impression he was into extreme body building or anything. I took it as being moderate exercise, dunno. OP will have to clarify.

The Princess Bride

notgettingit wrote: »

In all other respects I feel we are perfect for each other and we get on so well, never fight no-matter how much time we spend together. I’m really not willing at this point to give up this relationship because of sex. At least without working at it.

But there's 2 of you in the relationship -if he doesn't realise it's a serious issue, and seek help, there's nothing else you can do.
If at 30 this is only his 2nd sexual relationship, is there a chance he is lacking confidence? Or is the fact that his previous relationship was sexless for a long period more significant than not?
As wonderful as everything else is, you need to ask yourself whether or not you can live without the sexual side, it's a pretty important part to not have, especially when you really want it!

beks101 wrote: »

You've already started the "It can't be me...can it?" thought process, it's not a far-cry from "yes, yes it must be me" and a healthy, attractive woman of your age does not need to be feeling that way about herself. 11 months is no time to be together really, and certainly far FAR too early for this sort of issue to be raising its ugly head.

All I'm saying is, don't be afraid to put yourself first. Especially if this proves to be a deeply ingrained thing that your OH won't even attempt to address.

What Beks said is spot on- this is only a short term relationship -at 6 months things started to dwindle- do you really want to be writing this again in a year or more?

Without putting him under pressure, you need to make him see how this is making you feel . Remember to tell him how attractive you find him, how much you've enjoyed your sex life and how you want to again- try and emphasise the positive, cos something tells me this man is not comfortable with some aspect of his sex life.

ted1

OP might there be a chance that he's in the closet?
Can't think of any other reason why he wouldn't want a bit Of action

Chemical Byrne

I'm sorry to sidetrack the thread but I detect a certain element of misandry in this thread. One example, if the genders here were reversed and a gf/wife has no interest in sex it would be all about understanding her, patience and not giving ultimatums etc etc. To suggest that she might be a lesbian would not occur and if it did it would probably prompt a warning or infarct from the mods.

Just something I noticed on threats like thus over time.

[/Tuesday morning rant]

Anyway, I don't think he's gay. He obviously attracted to her if he gets hard while cuddling up with her.

LegacyUser

I've been in the exact same position as you unfortunately and it is a tough one.
I was with my OH for a year and like yourself he would get pretty excited when we kissed cuddled, slept in the same bed etc. He was pretty much exactly like your OH. I loved him a lot and still do but it came to a stage where there was just nothing happening. I began to think is this going to make me happy? Am I going to be OK with this ? and when I took a really long look at myself I realized that I wasn't.

We talked about it at length and he assured me that it wasn't me and for all intents and purposes minues the general thoughts that come into play when this sort of thing happens I believed him. I won't deny that it dig chip at my confidence a bit.

He was on antidepressants initially but after a while didn't need them and came off them in time. He expressed that the previous sexual encounters that he had were different as they were mostly one night stands and this was quite a serious relationship so he was nervous of messing things up. Bottom line is there was a lot of reasons that he couldn't have sex but none of it was me and despite my predisposition to try and fix people I couldn't. Sex is a pretty big part of a committed relationship and for it to work you need to be able to connect on that level which unfortunately for some reason or another he can't.

it wasn't my issue to fix and same goes for you. It is not your issue nor should it be. You sound like a wonderful person OP and it might be best to either take a break from this relationship or maybe start from the beginning again... that's what we did for a while and it worked wonders for a bit. He needs to be seen to make a conscious effort if he wants this relationship to work. If not then if might just be best to call it a day. We broke up only recently and despite the sadness that hits me (and him) we know it was for the best and continue to support eachother from a distance

All the love OP x

LegacyUser

Thanks for all your replies.

I brought it up with him when we got back to his from being out and about yesterday evening. ASked was anxiety performance related but he says it's not about that. HE said he loves having sex that feels really close and all but that lately he just began to feel "
not right about doing it even though he insists that he is very attracted to me.

In the gentlest way possible, I told him that this would be a problem for us in the longer term. I asked him would he consider going to sex counselling or something to figure out his worries. Was was fairly resistant to the suggestion but after some talking about how it would help us he agreed to give it a try if he couldn't sort his feelings himself within the next little while after making some effort.

We've booked a weekend for a concert and I said we don't have to do anything in the hotel but maybe we could just try being comfortable doing other stuff, massage etc whatever. No pressure but if it happens it happens.

I hope I'm doing the right thing here and I hope he makes the effort he is saying he will

Neyite

Chemical Byrne wrote: »

I'm sorry to sidetrack the thread but I detect a certain element of misandry in this thread. One example, if the genders here were reversed and a gf/wife has no interest in sex it would be all about understanding her, patience and not giving ultimatums etc etc. To suggest that she might be a lesbian would not occur and if it did it would probably prompt a warning or infarct from the mods.

Just something I noticed on threats like thus over time.

[/Tuesday morning rant]

Anyway, I don't think he's gay. He obviously attracted to her if he gets hard while cuddling up with her.

Mod:

This isn't the place to 'rant'. If you have an issue with a post or or the way a thread is going, you report it and let mods deal with it. You do NOT derail an advice thread for your own soapboxing.

Barely There

notgettingit wrote: »

but that lately he just began to feel "
not right about doing it even though he insists that he is very attracted to me.

I'd be a bit worried that he though this reason was enough to give you after raising the subject (Like, WTF does that even mean?), especially as you had to arm-twist him into seeing a Councillor.




He obviously thinks it's perfectly acceptable to just keep drifting along.

tara73

what doesn't sit well with me is the thing he's just not saying what it is. because it seems he knows what it is. you asked him about it, gave a possibility, anxious performance, and he obviously plainly denied that.

if he can actually tell what it is not, from my point of view, he also knows what it is. If he would be all confused about it, he wouldn't be so certain to exclude possibilities.

So I think he's stringing you along and that's adding to the problem rather than solving it. not nice of him.

But definately do the counselling, maybe he can open up there and it helps. I really wish that for you both:)

njs030

notgettingit wrote: »

We've booked a weekend for a concert and I said we don't have to do anything in the hotel but maybe we could just try being comfortable doing other stuff, massage etc whatever. No pressure but if it happens it happens

Didn't you say that this is already happening? So the conversation was you asking him about it, him basically sidestepping it and giving you no real reply and then you said to carry on as normal?

I know you mentioned counselling but I didn't get the impression he was on board with it. If he doesn't want to fix it counselling won't do anything.
Do you genuinely think he sees this as a problem and will make a proper attempt to fix it?

Chemical Byrne

It all sounds super messed up. Whatever about someone not being interested in sex from the get go, it's very odd that he liked it and now has no interest it in. I agree with whoever said its weird that he is certain what it's not a but clueless as to what it is.

Maybe he just isn't interested in penetrative sex? They say some people just aren't?

How long does the honeymoon phase tend to last? After 11 months might the excitement of the phase be on the wane? Dunno.
Might it be the case that he had sex because it was the first flush of lust in the new relationship but now that is wearing off and it might only be appearing now that you two have different sexual interests, sex drives or are just incompatible sexually?