Relationship...other guys...

LegacyUser

Hi, this isn't exactly a major problem for me but definitely something I've been thinking about for a while and wondering if anyone can shed some insight.

Basically, for as long as I can remember, despite being in happy relationships I always find myself becoming attracted to other guys and sort of daydreaming/fantasising about them a lot. It's weird but I think I maybe do it as some sort of escapism or comfort thing. It's usually as I'm falling asleep at night il think up these scenarios involving the guy I'm thinking of at that time, be in someone at work or whoever. I know I probably sound like a bit of a nut but just trying to be totally honest here!

As I say I've always done it and, while I've never cheated on anyone, I think it's starting to bother me more now as I'm in a happy, committed relationship (planning on getting engaged next year) and I think I just need to stop it really. It feels like its a habit at this stage.
Does anyone else do this? Is it boredom/immaturity or something? Sometimes I feel like I'm not the monogamous type but then I do really like being in my relationship and as I say I've never cheated. I suppose I would naturally be a bit flirtatious too but nothing I would deem as inappropriate really. I'm late 20s too so not some teen...So, boardsies anyone else relate to this or am I on my own on this one??

I'm going to assume that you are a guy?

You mention daydream/fantasizing about other guys, but what do these usually entail? Are they sexual or otherwise?

massdebater

^^ Eh I assume OP is a girl, why you assume guy?

m'lady

I think the OP meant other guys apart from her partner? I could be wrong..

LegacyUser

Op here. Yep I'm a girl! Sorry probably should have said that..so basically I feel disloyal and kinda guilty for thinking about other guys aside from my lovely bf

beks101

I can sort of relate OP, I don't think it's altogether unusual either.

I think long-term relationships are very challenging, once you get passed the honeymoon phase you're in a new territory where things aren't quite as exciting and butterflies and rush-of-blood-to-the-head as they once were and a new kind of love develops. A day-to-day love. One that you can sometimes take for granted.

Personally, I spent a lot of time single before I met my OH, and in all those years I dated a lot, hooked up, found myself sometimes in a perpetual state of butterflies and adrenaline rushes and does-he-doesn't-he from all the short-term courtships and it is quite an addictive state to be in. You get the electric chemistry and secret smiles and the ego boost when someone is into you and the wicked sex when you do hook up etc etc...it's almost a trance-like state to be in, when those secret crushes come to fruition, and one that's very easy to feed off.

In a longterm relationship, you don't get to indulge in all that. You still fancy the person (hopefully!) and you may still have wicked sex, but the "day-to-day"ness of the relationship kills those early rushes you get when you're single and free to date whomever you choose whenever you want.

I think you have to focus on that new love that develops, and I'm sure has grown in your own relationship. The enduring, unconditional one where you know he wants the best for you and is committed to making you happy and you can trust him with your life. It's rare, and incredible, and comforting and special and really hard to find that sort of love. Take it from someone who spent years looking for it! You don't get that with the short-term crushes and flings so in a sense it is a trade-off - one that is one million percent worth it, in my opinion.

I guess it's about making peace in your head with that trade-off. You don't get this thing anymore, but you do get that incredible and life-affirming thing instead. That other thing that will give you the kind of life you want - with a wonderful man who loves you, a marriage, a family of your own, etc. And accepting that there'll always be attractive men around you. Some will even turn your head. Many will hit on you and make you feel amazing. But you've committed yourself to someone even more amazing, and that will sometimes be hard work, but ultimately so much more rewarding than an ego boost and a quick roll in the hay.

It's also worth investing in those special moments with your OH. Keeping the spark alive, mixing things up in the bedroom, lingerie, weekends away, little presents and surprises for each other, ramping up the affection and the spontaneity.

massdebater

massdebater wrote: »

^^ Eh I assume OP is a girl, why you assume guy?

m'lady wrote: »

I think the OP meant other guys apart from her partner? I could be wrong..

You're probably right, actually.

I read it as if they were a guy and were wondering why they had these feelings.

Roselm

I thought it was normal to fantasise about other people?! As in: in no way intending to make the fantasy happen but just for kicks?!

LegacyUser

Op here again.
Absolutely, I agree that it's normal to feel attracted/think about other people that way every now and again.

I suppose my concern is that I feel I do it way too often. And is that "normal"?

If not I wonder why I do it. As I say it almost feels like a habit at this stage..like some kind of learned feeling/response I get from these thoughts. I dunno, maybe I'm reading too much into it and should just let it go..!

CaraMay

Op maybe you just aren't with the right guy and this is your subconscious letting you know? Have you been single much between boyfriends?

LegacyUser

Op, this would happen to me quite a bit in previous relationships but I agree with above poster Caramay. When I met my most recent ex (unfortunately ) this rarely happened,I was just mad about him! Maybe you just haven't found the one yet

silverbolt

ItsAStrangeOne wrote: »

Op here. Yep I'm a girl! Sorry probably should have said that..so basically I feel disloyal and kinda guilty for thinking about other guys aside from my lovely bf

Perfectly normal Id say, its only idle fantasy unless your properly fixate on other people.

Providing you dont go an act on them.

lukesmom

Gosh I've always done this, to me it feels perfectly normal.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the responses guys. Glad to hear that some people do this too.
To those querying whether my oh is the right one for me, I've considered this and tbh I think it might just be part of my personality to do this - no matter who I'm with.

Think beks101 outlined it quite well - it's almost the rush of feelings I crave and I do believe I'd feel like that after the honeymoon period with anybody I was to be with.
Suppose it can be hard to beat that buzzy, new feeling when you start dating someone new.
However, those feelings do change and as beks said, it's about appreciating what you have.

Always good to insight from others

Pawwed Rig

Perfectly normal OP. I wouldn't worry about it.