Relationship issues after 6 years

opinions??

Just looking for some advice here. I've been with my girlfriend for over 6 years now. We've talked about marriage on several occasions and I was planning on getting a ring in the coming months. We have what I thought was a great relationship. We have similar interests, we rarely fight, we spend alot of time together and so on.

We had a bit of an issue last weekend. There was a work get together with her company. It was employee's only but I got an invite as I know her boss well. She works for a construction company and she is the only female there. The only members of staff she see's are the two foremen and her boss. So there's no ongoing office style flirting situation or anything like that.
Anyway Saturday was an all day session sort of day and everyone was getting fairly hammered. I took it relatively easy so I had my wits about me.
Anyway, towards the end of the night she was black-out and it was only myself her and another lad left up. She asked me to go to bed a few times which I ignored. Then I left the room for a second and when I came back she was sort of cuddling up to the guy and I hear her say "he's back". Lets just say I was raging at this, he immediately got up and left and I basically told her to go to bed which she did.

I didn't say much to her the next day and she was at me all day wondering what the problem was. Basically she can't remember what happened. Anyway I told her and she was embarrassed and she seemed genuinely ashamed. She apologized and accepted that what she did was unacceptable. We were fairly quiet for the first few days and then she sent me an email telling me again how sorry she was and so on. I responded and told her that if she ever did anything like that again we were finished but I accepted her apology.

So we started to get back to normal a bit but we still weren't right and last night she came home with a list of relationship issues. She was obviously going over it in her head for the past few days and she had some idea's. She basically said that she feels unloved and unappreciated and that I never do nice things for her, plan trips, be romantic etc.

This is a slight exaggeration but it's not too far from the truth. She is definitely the organiser in the relationship and I'm not the most romantic but I suppose this is something that can be worked on. I just put it down to us spending so much time together and being together for so long. Maybe I'm wrong.

Anyway her point was that I don't make her feel special enough and maybe this was why she behaved that way. She was drawn to the male attention.

So what are peoples opinions on this? Should I let it go and just work on the other issues in our relationship? Does she have a point? What she did was completely unacceptable but maybe there's something in what she's saying.

whatawaster81

So she works with this guy and was cuddling up to him on the couch for a minute as your back was turned, I'd want clarification this was a once off first.

If it is it's fairly minor on the spectrum of cheating behaviour, she was stupid and probably messy drunk.

That being so, If it was me I'd work on the issues raised by her.

agree fully with that first response. make sure it was a once off, and then work on improving things between you if you acknowledge any of her issues as fair points. g'luck.

OneOfThem

opinions?? wrote: »

What she did was completely unacceptable but maybe there's something in what she's saying.

Well that's it all day long. She was hammered and telling a guy, I think it could have been any male in the world, not particularly this guy, that she was feeling undesired and uncherished, or whatever, in a dizzy drunken haze. Sounds like you've been dropping the ball, but that doesn't excuse her acting like an overgrown 13 year old. Any chance you could have a big serious "Ok, I accept what you're saying and I feel all those things and will try to show them more but try to play me like that ever again and we're done", conversation without things blowing up?

It doesn't sound like she's up to no good or anything. But it does sound like she's playing silly fvckers.

Dr.Internet

Is there a reason before this why you are with her 6 years and are only thinking about "getting a ring" in the next few months? If it's such a great relationship, what's the hold up. If you have talked about it a few times, it's something wanted in the relationship but for some reason something is stopping you. I would think very long and hard about what it is and decide if this is something you actually want or if one wants it more than the other. Otherwise, why the procrastination?

And then completely ignoring her while she's blacking out drunk, even though you had your "wits about you"? Seriously? Why don't you arrange weekends away and other romantic things?
I'm not sure why you would ignore her when she is in that state? The weekend away thing is easily fixed.


In saying all that, she shouldn't have snuggled up to the guy. she was drunk, being ignored by her boyfriend and acted stupidly. But I think that may be a symptom of other issues in your relationship.

Galadriel

If she was that drunk why did you ignore her and not bring her to bed like she asked? especially if you had both been drinking all day, I get that she's a grown up and should be responsible for herself but if she was in that state you could have just helped her to bed.

I'm not excusing what she did but it really sounds like she was off her head, if you feel your relationship cannot withstand this incident then maybe it's not strong enough to be considering marriage.

ManOfMystery

Dr.Internet wrote: »

Is there a reason before this why you are with her 6 years and are only thinking about "getting a ring" in the next few months? If it's such a great relationship, what's the hold up. If you have talked about it a few times, it's something wanted in the relationship but for some reason something is stopping you. I would think very long and hard about what it is and decide if this is something you actually want or if one wants it more than the other. Otherwise, why the procrastination?

I can't really understand the mentality behind this post. You seem to make the assumption that everyone should get married or engaged within x years - under 6, by the sounds of it. What if they only got together when they were 16 and are now still only student age? What if they didn't have the funds to commit to a marriage or engagement until this point in time? What if there was simply no rush?

Suggesting the poster is 'procrastinating' for taking 6 years to get engaged is ridiculous, and unfairly & unreasonably shifts some portion of the blame for this situation on to him. People do it when the time is right, be that 1 year or 10 years.

OP, I think both of you need to make some changes here. I think your gf probably has a valid point about you going through the motions now, so you should make more of an effort to focus on how special she is to you - days away, maybe flowers now and again, whatever she's into. That's a two-way street so equally she should be focusing as much on you. I'd also suggest that she probably needs to curtail her drinking slightly if she ends up in a state where she can't make the proper judgement calls in a situation with a member of the opposite sex - if you hadn't come back into the room, would that have progressed to kissing or worse? We don't know, but it sounds like she wouldn't have known either.

discus

Some posters haven't fully comprehended the OP, she was insisting that he goes to bed while he stays up, with the other guy.

OP why did that lad come back to the apartment?

Galadriel

discus wrote: »

Some posters haven't fully comprehended the OP, she was insisting that he goes to bed while he stays up, with the other guy.

OP why did that lad come back to the apartment?

Ah ok maybe I read the OP wrong, I thought she was asking him to go to bed with her, if she was asking him to go to bed alone to leave her with the other guy well that's different, still not 100% which the OP meant though.

Dark Phoenix

Op when she 'asked you to go to bed a few times' did she mean with her ot did she mean by yourself to leave her alone with the guy?

If she meant with her then to be honest you are both at fault - if she was hammered and asking you to go to bed with her I cant imagine why you ignored her instead and stayed up with another random guy.

If she meant go to bed yourself and leave her alone with the other guy then that's bang out of order on her part

Duvetdays

Were you in a hotel for the night and this happened in the bar or was it back at your house? If it was at your place who invited him back? Was she insisting you go to bed alone and she stay up?

You really need to sit down have a heart to heart and work on your relationship. Maybe surprise her with a night away in a hotel.

CaraMay

Op have you every read about why women have affairs (and I'm not saying she did). Experts say most women have affairs for attention and often attention they are not getting at home. Men tend to have affairs for physical reasons or when there is opportunity.

I suspect she loves you a lot but does think you feel the same. She doesn't feel special and maybe this guy has made her feel special. Your relationship has gone stale for her and at least partially because you've let her do all the donkey work.

Do you want to marry this girl or not? If so, get your finger out and get moving. See this as a lesson learned and don't take her for granted again. It's important to make your partner feel special. You're lucky you are getting a chance to fix this and she didn't just dump you and run.

ManOfMystery

CaraMay wrote: »

ke her for granted again. It's important to make your partner feel special. You're lucky you are getting a chance to fix this and she didn't just dump you and run.

Again, the shift of blame to the OP.

Perhaps his girlfriend should think herself lucky that SHE didn't get dumped for trying to latch on to another guy?

The OP may be guilty of not giving her the attention she feels she deserves, but the proper way to deal with that is to talk about it . . . . . . . . . . not cuddle up to another male and then sound disappointed when your partner walks back into the room. Pseudo psycho-analysis of the reason why men and women have affairs is just waffle to be honest, there's a million different reasons and circumstances why it may happen.

Augme

God, so much victim blaming going on here. I can only imagine how different the replies would be if the gender roles were reversed and it was a boyfriend who had snuggled up on the couch with a female co-worker and then tried to excuse his actions because his girlfriend didn't pay him enough attention.


OP I'd run if I was you. Your girlfriend sounds like quite an unpleasant piece of work. Firstly she nearly cheats on you, and then she has the cheek to blame you for her actions. Disgusting behaviour and to me it shows that she's doesn't actually feel bad for what she did.

What do you think would have happened if you didn't walk in?
If she's been feeling this way for awhile, what do you think she has been doing on nights out when you haven't been there?
What makes you think she won't jump another guy at times she's feeling lonely?

R.D. aka MR.D

It seems kind of manipulative to me to have this happen and have her be 100% guilty but then she decides that this is the time to bring up things where it kind of shifts the blame on you. It seems like she doesn't take 100% responsibility for her actions.

LegacyUser

Galadriel wrote: »

Ah ok maybe I read the OP wrong, I thought she was asking him to go to bed with her.

I read it that way as well first time and reading the above comment went back and re-read it and yeah it can be read the other way as well. OP can you clarify which it was? Was it just the 3 of you back at your place or did loads go back and you were the last 3 still up?

Right or wrong it sounds like she wasn't happy with her actions and went away and looked at why she thought she acted the way she did. It's something people get asked on here all the time when they post about having cheated or wanting to cheat but claiming to be happy with their partner. She clearly has some issue with your relationship but wasn't mature enough to sit down and talk about it and instead got drunk and acted the idoit.

Ask yourself OP are you happy in the relationship? Maybe it's time to have the adult conversation about were your relationship is going.

Augme

CaraMay wrote: »

Do you want to marry this girl or not? If so, get your finger out and get moving. See this as a lesson learned and don't take her for granted again. It's important to make your partner feel special. You're lucky you are getting a chance to fix this and she didn't just dump you and run.

Yea OP you're so lucky that the girl who wanted to cheat on you hasn't yet dumped you. Qucikly, go ask her to marry you because losing such a special girl like this would be such a disaster! :rolleyes:

discus

Yeah it's crazy on this thread. The girlfriend has completely flipped the script - she's making herself out to be the victim in this situation. And people are blaming OP for not paying her enough attention.

mcmoustache

This seems like straight-forward blame shifting to me.

It sounds like "I got caught doing something wrong but it's your fault". It's pretty textbook stuff tbh.

CaraMay

mcmoustache wrote: »

This seems like straight-forward blame shifting to me.

It sounds like "I got caught doing something wrong but it's your fault". It's pretty textbook stuff tbh.

Or maybe she is explaining why they are at this place in the relationship.

ManOfMystery

CaraMay wrote: »

Or maybe she is explaining why they are at this place in the relationship.

Someone explaining why they cheated is quite different to saying the OP should feel lucky he wasn't dumped. He is the one who was almost betrayed here, his only crime being he didn't pay her enough attention - according to her.

CaraMay

CaraMay wrote: »

Op have you every read about why women have affairs (and I'm not saying she did). Experts say most women have affairs for attention and often attention they are not getting at home. Men tend to have affairs for physical reasons or when there is opportunity.

I suspect she loves you a lot but does think you feel the same. She doesn't feel special and maybe this guy has made her feel special. Your relationship has gone stale for her and at least partially because you've let her do all the donkey work.

Do you want to marry this girl or not? If so, get your finger out and get moving. See this as a lesson learned and don't take her for granted again. It's important to make your partner feel special. You're lucky you are getting a chance to fix this and she didn't just dump you and run.

a fine conclusion. girlfriend plastered and looking to cheat? article in Cosmo says its all your fault.

dreadful attitude, massive projection.

Potatoeman

Romance comes easiest when you are sure and secure in your relationship not when you are afraid of losing your partner. What she did was probably the worst way to get him to give her more attention.

Romance isn't just up to the man. It takes two people to keep things going. Does she do any of the things on her list for you?

Also there is a big difference between telling you to go to bed or taking her to bed.

MagicMarker

Her excuse is a great heap load of BS.

OP, how far do you think she'd gone had you gone to bed? If she gets in that state then how do you know she hasn't done it before?

Are you supposed to pay extra special attention on her from now on to stop her from cheating on you?

Magicmatilda

You have already agreed to forgive and move on.

Perhaps while trying to figure out why she behaved this way she identified some things that she thought might have contributed.

It doesn't like this was her immediate reaction. It sounds like she was ashamed and apologetic for a few days.

I think given that you have agreed to stay and try no harm for you to acknowledge what she is saying and also maybe have a think about how you feel about the relationship, anything you feel is lacking. Now is a good time to have a frank discussion. I don't mean laying blame I just mean an honest chat on both sides. It could be the making of the relationship.

Might be an idea for her to look at her drinking aswell. Black outs are not normal.

Confucius say

I cannot believe the absolutely shocking "advice" here, people trying to lay the blame on him. CaraMay - get the finger out? Get married? Are you that narrow minded? Maybe they don't want to get married? Maybe it's not every woman's dream to get married? How dare he not expect to be possibly cheated on, the spineless man who wont do the honourable thing and get down on one knee! Good Lord...

Anyway OP. I would think that they would have at least kissed, if they didn't already, if you hadn't showed up. I have had too many of these run ins with women before and it has always marked the beginning of the end. You probably wont, and I don't blame you, because neither did I, but I'm pretty sure one day you'll look back at this and kick yourself saying, why didn't I just walk then?

You have done nothing wrong, if the relationship went a bit stale it's both of your fault and you shouldn't be held responsible for her eyes (at least) straying.

R.D. aka MR.D

CaraMay wrote: »

Or maybe she is explaining why they are at this place in the relationship.

Maybe the reason that he isn't paying her enough attention is that she hasn't properly communicated her expectations to him. So maybe it's not his fault after all?

It takes two people to maintain a healthy relationship and the way she has gone about things is not healthy.

zeffabelli

She was **** faced and can't remember what she did. It doesn't seem that bad the way you present it.

Did you not think if she was that plastered to put her to bed yourself?

How accountable is she?

As for relationship complaints, no one here knows that. Just listen and see if there is any truth in what she's saying , try not to get defensive or be in denial , be open to the possibility.

Alf Veedersane

R.D. aka MR.D wrote: »

Maybe the reason that he isn't paying her enough attention is that she hasn't properly communicated her expectations to him. So maybe it's not his fault after all?

It takes two people to maintain a healthy relationship and the way she has gone about things is not healthy.

^ This.

But her voicing things she isn't happy with doesn't mean apportioning blame. Things have come to a head and OP has the same chance to say "ok. But here are things I'm not happy about that you need to change".

That it takes something like this for feelings to be voiced means there's a problem with communication.

MistyCheese

Dr.Internet wrote: »

Is there a reason before this why you are with her 6 years and are only thinking about "getting a ring" in the next few months?

Maybe he's holding out for a woman who doesn't drape herself over other men when she's had a few too many?

Dr.Internet wrote: »

If it's such a great relationship, what's the hold up.

Is there some odd time limit for relationships that I'm not aware of? My own husband didn't propose until we been together 5 years (and it still felt like a shock). Other people meet and are married within 5 years. There's no magic number of years that suit all couples.

It matters more that you work well as a couple, you understand each other, have each others backs, want to share your lives, trust each other. That doesn't happen at the same number of years for every couple.

opinions??

Dr.Internet wrote: »

Is there a reason before this why you are with her 6 years and are only thinking about "getting a ring" in the next few months? If it's such a great relationship, what's the hold up. If you have talked about it a few times, it's something wanted in the relationship but for some reason something is stopping you. I would think very long and hard about what it is and decide if this is something you actually want or if one wants it more than the other. Otherwise, why the procrastination?

We havn't gotten engaged for monetary reasons. I went back to college so things have been a bit tight. Otherwise I would have pulled the trigger years ago.

And then completely ignoring her while she's blacking out drunk, even though you had your "wits about you"? Seriously? Why don't you arrange weekends away and other romantic things?
I'm not sure why you would ignore her when she is in that state? The weekend away thing is easily fixed.

I wasn't ignoring her, I was ignoring her telling me to go to bed so she could be alone with this lad.
She's usually the planner for these things. I didn't realise it was an issue before now to be honest. A bit naive on my part obviously but it's something I'll be working on going forward.

opinions??

Galadriel wrote: »

Ah ok maybe I read the OP wrong, I thought she was asking him to go to bed with her, if she was asking him to go to bed alone to leave her with the other guy well that's different, still not 100% which the OP meant though.

Yeah she wanted me to leave her alone with him. That's why I'm so worked up about it. She didn't specifically say that she wanted to be alone with him but the intent was obvious.

If she asked me to go to bed with her it would have been a non-issue. The whole thing would have been avoided.

opinions??

Duvetdays wrote: »

Were you in a hotel for the night and this happened in the bar or was it back at your house? If it was at your place who invited him back? Was she insisting you go to bed alone and she stay up?

You really need to sit down have a heart to heart and work on your relationship. Maybe surprise her with a night away in a hotel.

It was a group of holiday homes that we were staying in. He was in one of the rooms in the house we were in. No-one invited anyone back anywhere. We were just in the sitting room at the time.

opinions??

I appreciate all of the responses folks. We've decided to try and work through it. I admit that I was dropping the ball a bit on my end with regards to the relationship, being romantic and what not. I can't deny that. Initially I was of the opinion that she was trying to shift the blame, and in a way she probably was but again they are some valid points and I can recognise that. I'm going to try and improve things on my end and see where it takes us.

I still think what she did was unacceptable and she tends to agree. She seems to be genuinely torn up about it. It will take me a while to be able to trust her again.

Also just to clarify, there was definitely no ongoing relationship with this guy. They don't see each other in work, ever. Most of what we do outside of our worklives, we do together and I would know if there was anything suspicious going on.

mada82

I'd keep a close eye on her. That bloke might pursue her now

sReq | uTeK

opinions?? wrote: »

I appreciate all of the responses folks. We've decided to try and work through it. I admit that I was dropping the ball a bit on my end with regards to the relationship, being romantic and what not. I can't deny that. Initially I was of the opinion that she was trying to shift the blame, and in a way she probably was but again they are some valid points and I can recognise that. I'm going to try and improve things on my end and see where it takes us.

I still think what she did was unacceptable and she tends to agree. She seems to be genuinely torn up about it. It will take me a while to be able to trust her again.

Also just to clarify, there was definitely no ongoing relationship with this guy. They don't see each other in work, ever. Most of what we do outside of our worklives, we do together and I would know if there was anything suspicious going on.

Just wondering how you know they don't ever see each other.

It seems strange behaviour to be talking your boyfriend of 6 years to go to bed so you can "cuddle" into a complete stranger....

As for the replies here trying to remotely justify her actions....absolute putrid reading.

Grandeeod

This entire tale looks like a classic cheating scenario coming down the road.

Cuddle up to a work mate. Get disturbed. Make a remark. Get confronted about it. Apologize and express remorse. Then get defensive and start throwing out the usual BS about being neglected.

This is how it looks so beware. Apologies if I'm wrong.

LegacyUser

Labraspoon wrote: »

They won't be concerned about your well being, they'll only be concerned about protecting the interests of women even if it is at your expense.

Just because people don't jump straight to the 'dump her now!' advice does not mean they aren't considering the OPs well being. Clearly the OP cares about his OH otherwise he would have just dumped her and not bother posting here at all. The OP has stated they haven't had issues before this, is pretty confident this is not an on going affair nor an attempt to start one so why not respect the OP and assume he knows himself.

His issue was with the OH trying to shift the balame over her actions. No one said what she did was right or OK, she was clearly wrong but relationships shouldnt be about whose right or wrong or scoring points. His OH, as stated by the OP, is clearly upset at her actions and was trying to figure out why she might have acted the way she did and gave those reasons to the OP. The OP can chose to either listen to her, ask she listen to him and work on their relationship together or dump her and move on as those are the only two options. There isn't an option were he gets to shove it her face that what she did was wrong but they stay together.