What will I do?

KKkitty

My son text a horrible message to a girl in our estate and I've taken his phone, tablet, Xbox and tv away from him. He's saying she's bullying him so that's why he did it. He's only 9 so I'm at a loss as what to do next. I've never been through this before. He's my oldest. I feel like he's testing me.

mordeith

KKkitty wrote: »

My son text a horrible message to a girl in our estate and I've taken his phone, tablet, Xbox and tv away from him. He's saying she's bullying him so that's why he did it. He's only 9 so I'm at a loss as what to do next. I've never been through this before. He's my oldest. I feel like he's testing me.

Seems like a good start to me. I'd also go the girl's parents house and tell them you've taken steps to discipline your son. It might also be an opportunity to see if the allegations of bullying by their daughter are true.

KKkitty

mordeith wrote: »

Seems like a good start to me. I'd also go the girl's parents house and tell them you've taken steps to discipline your son. It might also be an opportunity to see if the allegations of bullying by their daughter are true.

I'm not confrontational but I'll get my partner to bring him to the girl's house. He hangs out with a mixed group of people who are all different ages. He could have picked up bad behavioural patterns from older kids.

2xj3hplqgsbkym

KKkitty wrote: »

I'm not confrontational but I'll get my partner to bring him to the girl's house. He hangs out with a mixed group of people who are all different ages. He could have picked up bad behavioural patterns from older kids.

If she is bullying him then bringing him to the house may not be helpful for him. Have you checked his messages etc. .. To see if she has sent him messages?

KKkitty

Kyng Short Fir wrote: »

If she is bullying him then bringing him to the house may not be helpful for him. Have you checked his messages etc. .. To see if she has sent him messages?

He deleted any messages. He's acting like nothing has happened.

byhookorbycrook

KKkitty wrote: »

My son text a horrible message to a girl in our estate and I've taken his phone, tablet, Xbox and tv away from him. He's saying she's bullying him so that's why he did it. He's only 9 so I'm at a loss as what to do next. I've never been through this before. He's my oldest. I feel like he's testing me.

Why has a 9 year old all these things anyhow???

KKkitty

byhookorbycrook wrote: »

Why has a 9 year old all these things anyhow???

His aunts and uncles gave them to him for Christmas and birthdays.

Tigger99

More than him being bullied it would scare the crap outta me if a child I knew had that much access to technology. I really hope he can't access the Internet on his tablet as it can expose him to so much.

byhookorbycrook

There's a reason 9 year olds don't need all that technology, it's called childhood. He isn't mature enough to cope with it and therefore situations like the above may happen quite a lot. At the very least, he should only use ANY of it under your direct supervision.

KKkitty

He's not allowed anything that requires an internet connection for a long time. I didn't have much freedom growing up so I gave him too much of it.

byhookorbycrook

Would you consider taking his phone away until he is older?If he really has to have one, a firefly or similar might be a good idea.

KKkitty

byhookorbycrook wrote: »

Would you consider taking his phone away until he is older?If he really has to have one, a firefly or similar might be a good idea.

He won't have one til he's a teenager now.

jopax

I do agree with taking the phone off him for a start.
The thing that would bother me is that he is acting like nothing has happened.
You really need to talk to him and find out why he thought it was okay to do this. If you can't communicate with at this age it will only get worse in the future.
He needs more instruction as to how to behave and treat people.
The phone didn't make him do it, somewhere in his mind he sees nothing wrong with this, that is what would really concern me.
If you can't breakdown the barriers to communicate with him, maybe look for professional help.
You only get one chance to raise him good.

KKkitty

jopax wrote: »

I do agree with taking the phone off him for a start.
The thing that would bother me is that he is acting like nothing has happened.
You really need to talk to him and find out why he thought it was okay to do this. If you can't communicate with at this age it will only get worse in the future.
He needs more instruction as to how to behave and treat people.
The phone didn't make him do it, somewhere in his mind he sees nothing wrong with this, that is what would really concern me.
If you can't breakdown the barriers to communicate with him, maybe look for professional help.
You only get one chance to raise him good.

My brothers are spending some time with him this weekend. They hadn't made an effort with him in a long time so are helping me with him. My sister was on the phone with me and said my brothers and sisters need to be in his life more. He sent it without knowing the severity of what he was doing. I feel like I was too soft on him.

Tigger99

You know what kkkitty hindsight is a great thing, you did what you felt was best. I think it takes a huge amount of balls to admit that you need to give him les technology access. The best of luck.

KKkitty

Tigger99 wrote: »

You know what kkkitty hindsight is a great thing, you did what you felt was best. I think it takes a huge amount of balls to admit that you need to give him les technology access. The best of luck.

Thank you Tigger99. I didn't have any freedom when I was growing up at all so I thought a bit of freedom wouldn't harm him. Obviously it hasn't gone the way I thought.

jopax

That's great that you have good support in your family for him. It will make all the difference for him if he knows he has people that are there for him.
Maybe this was a blessing in disguise to help you to communicate better with him. As long as you can talk to him that is half the battle.
My eldest is nearly 9 too and I always try to chat about what's going on. I keep things simple for her, I just say its OK not to like people, and just too keep away from them and there is no need for being mean.
None of us knows what's ahead with our kids but all we can do is talk to them and instill as much wisdom in them as we can.
He is lucky to have you, there are s lot of parents out there that would choose to ignore that behaviour.

zeffabelli

byhookorbycrook wrote: »

Why has a 9 year old all these things anyhow???

A lot of them do, it's not abnormal these days.

zeffabelli

There is a bit of shooting the messenger here in this thread.....

He could have said the same thing to her face...so is the issue the medium or what was said?

He may not understand the impact of what he said....do you have the context? Do you know what it was in response to? Why does he have her phone number in the first place? How did she get his?

WHat is the wider picture.....

mordeith

zeffabelli wrote: »

A lot of them do, it's not abnormal these days.

Just because it's not abnormal doesn't mean it's a good idea though. At least not if there is unrestricted internet access and the TV is in the bedroom.

zeffabelli

mordeith wrote: »

Just because it's not abnormal doesn't mean it's a good idea though. At least not if there is unrestricted internet access and the TV is in the bedroom.

YEs but why is this getting the blame? It's only the messenger, the medium....

uck51js9zml2yt

mordeith wrote: »

Just because it's not abnormal doesn't mean it's a good idea though. At least not if there is unrestricted internet access and the TV is in the bedroom.

I have to agree. Allowing a 9 yo a TV in his bedroom is just madness. Indeed any kid having one is. Not to mention unrestricted internet access.

zeffabelli

Asher Few Home wrote: »

I have to agree. Allowing a 9 yo a TV in his bedroom is just madness. Indeed any kid having one is. Not to mention unrestricted internet access.

Ah great Im glad as a parent we now have a new scapegoat.

mordeith

zeffabelli wrote: »

YEs but why is this getting the blame? It's only the messenger, the medium....

You mean like 'guns don't kill people, people do' . . .

If the messenger is too immature to handle the medium, then remove the medium

Tasden

mordeith wrote: »

You mean like 'guns don't kill people, people do' . . .

If the messenger is too immature to handle the medium, then remove the medium

If he had written the message on paper and passed it as a note in school, what then?
While i don't agree with a child so young having a phone, it is more to do with the child than the phone. If the child was going to be nasty to someone they would have done so with or without the phone.

uck51js9zml2yt

zeffabelli wrote: »

Ah great Im glad as a parent we now have a new scapegoat.

I never made a scapegoat of anyone.
But parents need to take responsibility for what they allow their kids have access to.
The problem with technology is that we allow our kids uncontrolled access and generally don't have the skills to monitor or restrict what they are accessing.
I work in IT so probably have an advantage over most parents but its our responsibility to learn what we need to so as to protect our kids.
My 5 year old can access YouTube on my phone and tablet but he only does so with me sitting beside him watching the cartoons he's looking at.

zeffabelli

mordeith wrote: »

You mean like 'guns don't kill people, people do' . . .

If the messenger is too immature to handle the medium, then remove the medium

Really, should we confiscate language and vocal chords and blame them when someone says aloud something we don't like?

Everyones reflexive Pavlovian dog response is to blame the technology, why not explore the context and meaning of the exchange?

Gatling

Tasden wrote: »

If he had written the message on paper and passed it as a note in school, what then?
While i don't agree with a child so young having a phone, it is more to do with the child than the phone. If the child was going to be nasty to someone they would have done so with or without the phone.

But having a phone and unrestricted Internet access allows you to take bullying to a whole new level by enabling 24/7 bullying and in a lot of cases bulling anonymously .
Piece of paper in school is one thing unrestricted access to technology is a different game all together,
In some cases related to this best friends in schools can literally then be bullied by either friend while maintaining innocent child act until there at a keyboard

bp

I think parents have it tougher these days. when I was young all that was on the market was a NES followed by a SNES. VCRs were a luxury etc.

Now tablets, mobiles, games consoles are everywhere and tv's are cheap. Not only do their friends have them but lets be honest many parents spend way too much time on technology (me included).

OP you are taking the right steps. talk to him and help develop conflict resolution because she should not be bullying him either

Tasden

Gatling wrote: »

But having a phone and unrestricted Internet access allows you to take bullying to a whole new level by enabling 24/7 bullying and in a lot of cases bulling anonymously .
Piece of paper in school is one thing unrestricted access to technology is a different game all together,
In some cases related to this best friends in schools can literally then be bullied by either friend while maintaining innocent child act until there at a keyboard

At the end of the day it still comes down to kids bullying. Just a different form/medium. The child is doing the bullying, not the phone/paper/computer. So you deal with the child not anything else. By all meams take away the phone, but thats not dealing with the real issue of the child doing wrong.

mordeith

zeffabelli wrote: »

Really, should we confiscate language and vocal chords and blame them when someone says aloud something we don't like?

Everyones reflexive Pavlovian dog response is to blame the technology, why not explore the context and meaning of the exchange?

I'm not saying that the root of the issue shouldn't be addressed, but if you can remove one more method of bullying then why not? We're all aware of the 'keyboard warrior' phenomenon. It's a lot easier to be nasty to someone if you're not directly confronting them.

KKkitty

He's been punished by taking away anything with an internet connection and texting capabilities. My brothers have had a word with him too. He honestly didn't understand what he was doing but knows now what he did was wrong and unacceptable. I've learned my lesson the hard way that he's too young for certain things.

beauf

zeffabelli wrote: »

Ah great Im glad as a parent we now have a new scapegoat.

Sorry but I don't see where anyone saying the parent has delegated responsibility to technology. Responsibility is always with the parent.

Tasden wrote: »

If he had written the message on paper and passed it as a note in school, what then?
While i don't agree with a child so young having a phone, it is more to do with the child than the phone. If the child was going to be nasty to someone they would have done so with or without the phone.

I don't agree. People (and children) will often do things using technology that they would never do in real life and especially not face to face.

zeffabelli wrote: »

Really, should we confiscate language and vocal chords and blame them when someone says aloud something we don't like?

Everyones reflexive Pavlovian dog response is to blame the technology, why not explore the context and meaning of the exchange?

Its overly simplistic, to suggest people are mindlessly blaming the technology. Rather the suggestion is unrestricted access to technology is not appropriate, if someone has had no instruction on its use and dangers.

But you can't use your vocal chords to communicate to the whole planet. You can with technology. Technology, is everywhere. So while cutting off access is a useful, short term discipline measure, its feasible to do it forever. So some training on the use of technology and its dangers are appropriate. Limited access, parental controls and parental supervision is required.

This is new ground for parent. Its never been an issue before. TV's, radio's and unconnected consoles we had in the past are very different to tablets, smart phones and modern consoles with internet access.

beauf

Sorry but I don't see where anyone saying the parent has delegated responsibility to technology. Responsibility is always with the parent.

People (and children) will often do things using technology that they would never do in real life and especially not face to face. Its overly simplistic, to suggest people are mindlessly blaming the technology. Rather the suggestion is unrestricted access to technology is not appropriate, if someone has had no instruction on its use and dangers and is not mature enough to use it.

But you can't use your vocal chords to communicate to the whole planet. You can with technology. Technology, is everywhere. So while cutting off access is a useful, short term discipline measure, its not feasible to do it forever. So some training on the use of technology and its dangers are appropriate. Limited access, parental controls and parental supervision is required.

This is new ground for parent. Its never been an issue before. TV's, radio's and unconnected consoles we had in the past are very different to tablets, smart phones and modern consoles with internet access.

beauf

I don't see where anyone saying the parent has delegated responsibility to technology. Responsibility is always with the parent. People (and children) will often do things using technology that they would never do in real life and especially not face to face. Its overly simplistic, to suggest people are mindlessly blaming the technology. Rather the suggestion is unrestricted access to technology is not appropriate, if someone has had no instruction on its use and dangers and is not mature enough to use it.

But you can't use your vocal chords to communicate to the whole planet. You can with technology. Technology, is everywhere. So while cutting off access is a useful, short term discipline measure, its not feasible to do it forever. So some training on the use of technology and its dangers are appropriate. Limited access, parental controls and parental supervision is required.

This is new ground for parent. Its never been an issue before. TV's, radio's and unconnected consoles we had in the past are very different to tablets, smart phones and modern consoles with internet access.

beauf

I don't see where the parent has delegated responsibility to technology. Responsibility is always with the parent. People (and children) will often do things using technology that they would never do in real life and especially not face to face. Its overly simplistic, to suggest people are mindlessly blaming the technology. Rather the suggestion is unrestricted access to technology is not appropriate, if someone has had no instruction on its use and dangers and is not mature enough to use it.

But you can't use your vocal chords to communicate to the whole planet. You can with technology. Technology, is everywhere. So while cutting off access is a useful, short term discipline measure, its not feasible to do it forever. So some training on the use of technology and its dangers are appropriate. Limited access, parental controls and parental supervision is required.

This is new ground for parent. Its never been an issue before. TV's, radio's and unconnected consoles we had in the past are very different to tablets, smart phones and modern consoles with internet access.

beauf

Parents should also be aware that kids often have access to their parents smartphones, all the content, txts, emails and photos on that. Even if you have a pin the kids often work this out, but don't tell you they know your codes.

Also other parents give their phones to their kids to play games. Giving them access again to anything on their phone also. So be aware of this when you communicate with other parents/people too.

So look to your own security aswell.

walshb

byhookorbycrook wrote: »

Why has a 9 year old all these things anyhow???

Something to do with the 21st century?