Messed Up my marriage

LegacyUser

Married over 12 years. Never looked at another lady. Happily married etc Share everything.

Then last Saturday I did something really really stupid, I gave a sheet of paper with my mobile on it to a lady working in a local supermarket and asked her to txt me.

Of course no reply which is good. Even if I got a reply I would tell her I made a mistake.

I don't know why I did it and I have felt really guilty ever since.

I want to tell me my wife but I'm not sure if I want to tell her just so I don't feel as guilty or I want to tell her as its the correct thing to do.

After writing the above I'm not even sure I should tell her.

I couldn't sleep last night and I was going to tell her this morning but chickened out.

Advice if any ?

she3k

Honestly I think there must be something going on ie you're not fully happy to say you did the above.
Can you honestly say that there are no problems and ye are madly in love??

Penny Tration

Don't tell her.

Figure out what's going on in your marriage to have tempted you to do this, and work on things with your wife.

Saipanne

Don't tell her. Maybe book a relaxing weekend away with your wife and try remember why you married her.

kylith

I agree with not telling her. You had a moment of stupidity but it sounds like you came to your senses pretty quickly. If you tell her you'll only be doing it to make yourself fell better.

LegacyUser

It's all well and good not telling her but you have to try and figure out what made you do it and that it won't happen again.
There's no point in brushing sh!t under the carpet and expecting it to not surface again

LegacyUser

I'm the OP and based on the advice here I think I won't tell her but I do feel guilty and that is something I have to live with.

I'm really stressed out now though, not eating etc with the thought of not telling her. I hate secrets and wouldn't normally have any.

I've been trying to think why I did it and I honestly don't know. Obviously something is wrong somewhere but I don't know where.

Should I try counseling for myself ?

Xterminator

hi o.

you have not messed up your marriage. you took an action that could have led down that road, but thought better of it.
well done for recognizing that.
your next step is to look at your marriage and figure out whats not working for you both and try to fix the marriage you have.

as to telling your wife - i wouldnt recommend you do. why should you get to unburden, but add to her burden? Make it up to her without telling her. thats my advice.

crossroads15

I feel like in someways this is a reaction to the girl in the shop not contacting you. You're probably embarrassed about the whole thing & are comforting yourself by thinking, I wouldnt have done anything anyway if she had.

To do that in a supermarket takes a lot of gutes but also alot of thought. You dont just decide one day to give your number to a cashier like that.

Saipanne

MessedUp wrote: »

I'm the OP and based on the advice here I think I won't tell her but I do feel guilty and that is something I have to live with.

I'm really stressed out now though, not eating etc with the thought of not telling her. I hate secrets and wouldn't normally have any.

I've been trying to think why I did it and I honestly don't know. Obviously something is wrong somewhere but I don't know where.

Should I try counseling for myself ?

Relieve your guilt by improving your marriage and treating your wife. It will make you both feel better.

Colser

Is there anyway that this will get back to your wife? More than likely the girl you passed your number to has mentioned it to other people.It will be much worse if your wife hears this from anyone else.

Did you do it on the spur of the moment or was it planned? Sounds a bit random for a married man to do this in his local shop.

LegacyUser

Be very very honest with yourself. Because you're not being right now. Like the above poster says what you did takes guts and is not really, if you think about it, a completely uncalculated and thoughtless action. Something is missing. You can't go from apparently 'never once looking at another woman' to handing your phone number to a lady in a supermarket; that's not just looking, that's going way beyond and initiating contact with the intent of something happening. And your embarrassment and guilt is a lot to do with the fact that she didn't respond and she's in your local supermarket so you'll likely have to face her again!
Don't pretend everything is great and your life together is perfect, and you're the perfect husband. It's that delusion you have about yourself that has led to you doing this, because you're not doing the work and figuring out what is wrong. If you need to spice things up, talk to your wife. Do not avoid issues, and do not blame. The vows you took mean that even when you're attracted to someone else, realise it happens, take it for what it is, a passing attraction, and not the answer to your problems, but a sign you must work on things with your wife and do things to strengthen the relationship and love. If you feel neglected or if affection, physical and emotional, is not what it was, talk to your wife. Marraige takes constant communication, no matter how difficult it can be.

LegacyUser

OP here again,

"Sounds a bit random for a married man to do this in his local shop. "

Did it on the spur of the moment. I have no idea why I did this. I have never done anything like this before.

There is a chance she could find out.

Earlier I made the decision not to tell her but now I'm now longer sure.

I'm really torn over what to do. I don't want to tell her just to make me feel less guilty. I want to tell her if its the correct thing to do. Problem is I'm not sure what is the correct thing to do.

I'm really stressed over this, haven't eaten, close to tears in work. I just feel bad about what I've done

Whats worse is that I come from a home with separated parents due to multiple infidelities and it is something I swore I would never do yet I appear to have started.

I really hate myself at the moment.

At my wits end.

Merkin

Why did you give your number to this girl? Have you been flirting with her? Or fancied her from afar? You need to ask yourself honestly what you'd have done if she HAD texted you back. What if she were to reply and say she'd love to go for a drink?

frostyjacks

Don't tell your wife, no point digging a hole for yourself. Just mark it down as a lucky escape.

Maybe look into some counselling with Accord, might get you on the straight and narrow. They welcome people irrespective of their religious or ethnic background.

Colser

To be honest if I was your wife Id want to know what has happened.Mainly because you can be sure it will get back to her eventually and also the fact that other people definitely know about this.For what its worth I would be absolutely gutted and furious about it bit I would definitely prefer to know about it.

You say it was spur of the moment but you must have had it written out before you went into the shop(I presume) so I think it may have been premeditated.

I know you feel bad but I wonder is it really because of what you did or because it didnt have the result you hoped for and you now feel really foolish and realise that this may have others consequences.

Id tell your wife but be prepared for a huge backlash.Also I wouldnt play the "I didnt know what I was doing" card as this may make things worse.Tell the truth and hope for the best.

LegacyUser

Op again. Just out of work and I checked my phone.I just got a message from her telling me not to talk to her again or contact her.

"What if she were to reply and say she'd love to go for a drink?"

I wouldn't have gone.

I really really don't know what to do.

I do know I don't want to destroy my marriage and I do love my wife. What best for her is the most important at the moment.

<SNIP>

Penny Tration

The fact that there's a chance she could be told this changes things, op.

If there's a chance she could be told, you'll have a better chance of savin your marriage by telling her.

I agree with the others about it not necessarily being spur of the moment. I mean, you had a pen and paper and wrote your number down. Do you normally carry those with you? Did you wrote it while she was scanning your stuff? Or before that, when you still had time to re-think what you were doing?

eviltwin

I think you should tell your wife. Better she hears it from you than someone else but you need to work out why you did it. 'I don't know' isn't going to cut it.

Have you had a thing for this woman for a while? It's very risky to give your number to someone in the community, I wonder if on some subconscious level did you want to bring whatever is troubling you to a head.

If you do decide to tell her make sure you commit to working on your marriage.

Rekop dog

Colser wrote: »

To be honest if I was your wife Id want to know what has happened.Mainly because you can be sure it will get back to her eventually and also the fact that other people definitely know about this.For what its worth I would be absolutely gutted and furious about it bit I would definitely prefer to know about it.

You say it was spur of the moment but you must have had it written out before you went into the shop(I presume) so I think it may have been premeditated.

I know you feel bad but I wonder is it really because of what you did or because it didnt have the result you hoped for and you now feel really foolish and realise that this may have others consequences.

Id tell your wife but be prepared for a huge backlash.Also I wouldnt play the "I didnt know what I was doing" card as this may make things worse.Tell the truth and hope for the best.

Not sure what you're basing this on. It's not a soap opera, most people will get away with things if they don't own up themselves.

Obviously don't tell her OP, guessing you just did it in the first place for attention over any want to cheat on your wife.

LegacyUser

Penny Tration wrote: »

The fact that there's a chance she could be told this changes things, op.

If there's a chance she could be told, you'll have a better chance of savin your marriage by telling her.

I agree with the others about it not necessarily being spur of the moment. I mean, you had a pen and paper and wrote your number down. Do you normally carry those with you? Did you wrote it while she was scanning your stuff? Or before that, when you still had time to re-think what you were doing?

On the way back from a meeting hence the notepad and pen.

I'm at home now - Hard to act normally.

Want to do the best thing to save our marriage.

I will never ever do anything like this again. I have learnt my lesson.

DoctorBoo

Maybe you should go to counselling to help you figure out whether to tell your wife or not. We don't know the ins and outs of what happened, and particularly what led to it.
I agree with the posters who say that an action like this doesn't happen out of the blue. There's something going on with you. If you truly feel bad, you will make a serious effort to deal with this before it becomes a more serious problem.

LegacyUser

Think about how your wife would feel hearing what you have to say. I think her thoughts could run along the lines of "... he thought about cheating. He seriously thought about cheating. He even took steps down that road to make it happen". She's not going to give you a medal or be grateful for you NOT going any further than you did. She's going to wonder if the only reason you didn't go any further is that you first got no response, and then were rejected.

I can't advise you whether to tell her or not. My thoughts are with your wife (only because I've been there myself) and I must admit that if I were your wife, and you told me this, I would find it very nearly impossible to forget/forgive, even if nothing happened. You MEANT for something to happen, and that would be enough for me.

I'm sorry, I know this is not what you want to hear right now.

LegacyUser

Sounds like there is more to this story OP.

I worked in a shop before and had a couple of men come up to me and hand me their phone numbers, I just didn't contact them.

The fact that she said to you don't text me or talk to me again suggests that you've been making her uncomfortable in some way.

IvoryTower

or she knows you have a wife

crossroads15

If I was you, the message she sent you would give me a lot of concern.

In my opinion, she either thinks you've been acting in a creepy manner(which is never a good thing) & making her feel uncomfortable or she knows you have a wife already.

Are you sure you haven't been seen in the supermarket together with your wife before?

Starokan

Are you in such a bad state op because of what you did or because your wife may find out.

It's an important distinction because if its the former then you will be fine as you clearly do not want to cheat on your wife.

If its the latter then in fairness its more stress due to the thought of being caught.

My advice would be say nothing, delete the text from your phone & use another supermarket from now on so as to create no further awkwardness. There is a chance your wife could find out but id say its unlikely.

pgj2015

when i read that post from the op about receiving the text from the woman in the supermarket, I thought of two possibilities straight away, 1) She knows hes married, so hence the text. 2) She didn't know he was married, so asked friends, perhaps a work colleague "you know that guy who comes in here, tall, glasses, red hair etc"? friend "yes, why? he gave me his number on a piece of paper, which said call me, friend " what? hes married, tell him to f**k off"

most women will not get involved with a married man, most are disgusted by that behavior and rightly so in my opinion.

Rachiee

My concern OP is that you say you've learned your lesson but you haven't really learned anything at all because you still don't know why you did it. Whatever problem existed in your marriage to make you behave like this is still there and it won't go away until you admit what it is. For whatever reason you are unwilling to be honest with yourself about your motivations. If you cannot recognise the problem you can't deal with it and it will resurface.

crossroads15

pgj2015 wrote: »

when i read that post from the op about receiving the text from the woman in the supermarket, I thought of two possibilities straight away, 1) She knows hes married, so hence the text. 2) She didn't know he was married, so asked friends, perhaps a work colleague "you know that guy who comes in here, tall, glasses, red hair etc"? friend "yes, why? he gave me his number on a piece of paper, which said call me, friend " what? hes married, tell him to f**k off"

most women will not get involved with a married man, most are disgusted by that behavior and rightly so in my opinion.

Do you not think its more likely that she was a bit freaked out by his behavior though & found him to be a bit creepy. I would find it hard to believe the op would be so stupid as to make a move on her in a place he has previously frequented with his wife.

LegacyUser

"you haven't really learned anything at all because you still don't know why you did it"

I agree. I am going to try some Counselling and see what follows from that. There is obviously something wrong with me.

I still don't know if I should tell my wife.

It is very hard to act normally around her.

pgj2015

crossroads15 wrote: »

Do you not think its more likely that she was a bit freaked out by his behavior though & found him to be a bit creepy. I would find it hard to believe the op would be so stupid as to make a move on her in a place he has previously frequented with his wife.

if i was freaked out by someone like the op, I certainly would not text him as then he would have my number.

crossroads15

pgj2015 wrote: »

if i was freaked out by someone like the op, I certainly would not text him as then he would have my number.

maybe, good point but maybe she just wanted to give him the message to back off so he wouldnt approach her again. There's not a whole lot somebody can do with a telephone number either, maybe she texted him off a friends phone

Keane2baMused

Look. You're wrecking your own head here and clearly the guilt is eating you up.

Tell your wife and deal with the consequences whatever they may be. If it's a marriage worth saving chances are she won't end it all over a near miss. She might but hopefully not.

But seriously, that woman didn't text you that message for no reason, so you need to really take a look at yourself and figure out what the heck youre doing.

mattP

I work in a shop so I can tell you one thing for certain; all those girls on the till are whores for gossiping If you don't tell your wife you run the risk of it getting back to her from someone else, even the cashier aside maybe a fellow shopper saw you?
Some people have said telling her would only be you trying to feel better and you shouldn't do it - I think thats pure stupid. Telling her is a mark of respect and repentance - its obvious she wont be happy, it takes real balls to tell her, especially when you haven't been "caught out" yet.

newacc2015

Keane2baMused wrote: »

Look. You're wrecking your own head here and clearly the guilt is eating you up.

Tell your wife and deal with the consequences whatever they may be. If it's a marriage worth saving chances are she won't end it all over a near miss. She might but hopefully not.

But seriously, that woman didn't text you that message for no reason, so you need to really take a look at yourself and figure out what the heck youre doing.

I totally disagree. Telling the wife will solve nothing. Its the typical "If my partner did that, I would want to know". But in reality the person doesnt want to know. What OP did was ****ty. Did they cheat on their spouse no. There is clearly something lacking in their relationship for them to do this.

If there is issues in the marriage already, this will completely finish it. If OP has any chance of saving it. Going to counselling is the only way to solve it. Telling the wife about this will achieve nothing.

If OP wants to save this marriage. Counselling is the first step in the right direction. Not making a marriage that is lack lustier worse.

LegacyUser

MessedUp wrote: »

Married over 12 years. Never looked at another lady. Happily married etc Share everything.

Never looked at another lady??? I think it is entirely normal whilst in a relationship to still desire other people, having a rich inner life is healthy when it comes to sexual attraction, but a secure monogamous relationship means that you think about that other person and masturbate all perfectly normal but.. you chose to act impulsively so the question really is what else is going on...

Taking a deep breath and understanding where you are at is more important right now than blurting out something that was a mistake that you have little understanding of and upsetting your wife who I assume you love. Don't follow up an ill judged impulsive act with another one!

Do you still have a healthy sex life?
Are you suffering from stress due to work at the moment?

Keane2baMused

newacc2015 wrote: »

I totally disagree. Telling the wife will solve nothing. Its the typical "If my partner did that, I would want to know". But in reality the person doesnt want to know. What OP did was ****ty. Did they cheat on their spouse no. There is clearly something lacking in their relationship for them to do this.

If there is issues in the marriage already, this will completely finish it. If OP has any chance of saving it. Going to counselling is the only way to solve it. Telling the wife about this will achieve nothing.

If OP wants to save this marriage. Counselling is the first step in the right direction. Not making a marriage that is lack lustier worse.

Why is that typical? I think anyone who has been in a situation that has been cheated on while in a relationship or married will say that they would have much preferred to be told in the first instance. They should be given the option to stay or go themselves, rather than find out through the grapevine and potentially face that humiliation.

This wasn't a mistake. The OP is kidding himself saying it was a rash decision. Most people find it difficult approaching someone in an ordinary social setting, never mind someone's place of work.

Your response is the selfish choice for the OP. It's not giving his wife a choice, she will unknowingly be living with someone who was going to cheat on her. I think its irrelevant that he didn't.

OP I'm not going to say It will be a good outcome by telling her, nobody has a crystal ball. However you will have a clear conscience and you can then try to build on your marriage again if there is a marriage to save.