Friends bf cheating. ..do I tell

crackers and cheese

Have recently signed up for online dating on a few sites....my friend's boyfriend has a recent profile on two of them....I also saw him in a restaurant with a girl a few weeks ago...didn't look majorly cosy but am wondering now...They have been together over seven years and for the length of time they have been together she has occasionally confided in me over her suspicions that he may be cheating. ..she has always brushed it under the carpet. ..am very torn as to whether I should tell her or leave it be as I know he has wormed his way out in this situation before but I also know if it was me I would want to know...I can't even bring myself to be pleasant to him when in his company anymore

CaraMay

Take screen shots of his profiles, give then to her with the date he was at the restaurant and let her draw her own conclusions. You absolutely have to tell her. I would definitely want to know.

Ursus Horribilis

You're going to get the following responses. These sorts of questions elicit strong opinions on both sides.
1. Tell her.
2. Keep your nose out of her business.
3. They might have an open relationship so how do you know he's actually cheating?
4. You'll get no thanks for it.

The choice is yours. Personally I'd tell her but you never know what unintended consequences there may be.

crackers and cheese

They definitely do not have an open relationship. She is very dedicated to him and wants to marry and have kids. I would tell her but for the worry she may shoot the messenger and he gets away Scott free...

strandroad

crackers and cheese wrote: »

They definitely do not have an open relationship. She is very dedicated to him and wants to marry and have kids. I would tell her but for the worry she may shoot the messenger and he gets away Scott free...

If she does this she's not much of a friend is she?
I would let her know myself because if I found myself in a similar situation I'd like someone do it for me, rather than let me marry/stay with a known cheater.

CaraMay

She seems to guess but has no proof. She must have no peace of mind with him. If she shoots the messenger then it's her own double loss. I doubt she will given that she has confided in you already

Penny Tration

I'd tell her, but first I'd get chatting to him on a fake profile, so as to have proof. That way he cant say he has profiles from years ago that he doesn't use, or that he just has a look for people he knows.

meeeeh

crackers and cheese wrote: »

They definitely do not have an open relationship. She is very dedicated to him and wants to marry and have kids. I would tell her but for the worry she may shoot the messenger and he gets away Scott free...

My answer would normally be staying out of it. But not when it's your friends. She told you before that she is worried he is cheating. She might not be very happy if you tell her now but it would be very hurtful to discover later that you knew and didn't do anything.

Btw you could just tell her you have no proof , give her information about his dating profiles and then she can do whatever she wants with it.

evolving_doors

CaraMay wrote: »

Take screen shots of his profiles, give then to her with the date he was at the restaurant and let her draw her own conclusions. You absolutely have to tell her. I would definitely want to know.

This + email her anonymously saying you only suspect but no definitive proof.

weemcd

Penny Tration wrote: »

I'd tell her, but first I'd get chatting to him on a fake profile, so as to have proof. That way he cant say he has profiles from years ago that he doesn't use, or that he just has a look for people he knows.

Don't do this.

Too much getting involved. Screenshot the profiles and tell your friend where you saw him having dinner with the girl. Then step away, anything else is going to get messy

R.D. aka MR.D

weemcd wrote: »

Don't do this.

Too much getting involved. Screenshot the profiles and tell your friend where you saw him having dinner with the girl. Then step away, anything else is going to get messy

Totally agree because then he could say- oh I only set them up for a joke but then I received a message so checked it out of curiosity.

Cheats are usually masters at lying.

As others have said, take the screenshots and tell her. If she 'shoots the messenger' then she's not much of a friend.

SterlingArcher

Gebgbegb wrote: »

This + email her anonymously saying you only suspect but no definitive proof.

If you insist on doing something about it do this above. And do not use any personal traits like lol or soz or some other attachments to your personality.

The reason to stay anonymous. being she is already suspecting he is cheating but doing nothing. And how brazenly he does so. suggests even when she finds this out, will probably carry on regardless after a tiff. You said yourself he is a dab hand at worming, so opening the can on this worm will lead back to you getting shat on one way or another.

liquoriceall

Or you could show her something on your profile that you want her advise on but let her see his profile in the process? Then she found it and you aren't at fault?

meeeeh

I must say I would find anonymous email absolutely despicable. Plus you could find yourself in a situation where you are shown the email and asked what do you think. Do you then act all surprised and pretend again?

I don't like strangers interfering into other people's lives but friends should trust each other. All you need is to ask her if she is aware that he has dating profiles? Tell her that you spotted it by coincidence and you are just making sure everything is ok.

LegacyUser

Agree with the above. You cannot possibly send your friend an anonymous email. She may shoot the messenger, at first, but that is a chance you will have to take. If it was a neighbour/random colleague etc anonymous tip off MIGHT be the way to go.

Not with a friend, and one who appears to be a close friend, at that.

LegacyUser

Just to add, don't be surprised if she doesn't leave him. A friend of a friend was with someone who openly cheated on her for years. Used to sort of brag about it. She either had no clue (highly unlikely) or chose to ignore it. She was desperate to get married, start a family etc. He eventually dumped her. But waited until he had a new girlfriend lined up ready to move in with. He moved out of their house, into hers.

Ignatius in bloom

I would tell her about the dating profile and just say you thought it was important she knows and that you are her friend and you wouldn't feel like much of a friend if you didn't raise this concern. I would leave out the restaurant thing for a while as it may look like you have a vendetta against him and that might give her an excuse to shoot the messenger.

ShaShaBear

Whatever you do, don't contact him and try to trick him.
When your friend confronts him with the evidence, he'll just say "I bloody well knew it was her, giving her a taste of her own medicine".
If you send your friend an anonymous email, it will hardly take her long to figure out who sent it as they would have to know him, her, use the dating site AND have her email address...
You could get caught out "deliberately" trying to break them up because you are "desperate" and the evidence is in you also using the dating website.

Screenshot it, tell her he has one and let her take it from there.

Bananaleaf

I remember getting a text from a friend once on a Saturday night "Hey, how are you? What you up to?" I wrote back and said that I was sitting in with the OH watching a film.

Friend text me back to say that her and some other friends of mine had been in a pub and they were certain that a guy who had just walked in with a girl was my OH. We all laughed it off, but I remembert thinking "what a tactful way to have dealt with that situation"

I know its too late now as the time has passed, but if you were to see him out again, you could always text the friend "hey, how are you, what u doing?" You will know better how to proceed if the reply is "just sitting in, X is out meeting old female college friend" or "just sitting in, X is out with the lads"

Whitewinged

Its a hard decision to make.

She may very well shoot the messenger. It doesnt mean shes not a good friend. Its just a denial and defense mechanism so she can forgive her husband by displacing the blame. Shes also going to be embarressed and humiliated. Its not fair but sometimes that just how people deal with things.

The best way to tell her i would say is gently. Dont make out like the husband is an awful man. You could say that youve heard of married people doing this and it turns out to be just a bit of curiousity. I know it sounds stupid like as if your making excuses for his behaviour but if you can get the information to her without it comming accross as you attacking him then she can make her own decision about it rather than go on the defense.

alternatively you could say nothing but i think this would have a bad effect on you personally and your feelings of loyalty in the friendship.

Ursus Horribilis

She's not married to him. Yet.

I think you should tell him but don't be surprised if they don't break up. If that's what happens, at least your conscience will be clear. Imagine they get engaged or you find yourself as a bridesmaid at their wedding and you'd said nothing?

Sunflower 27

Of course she deserves to know. tell her face to face would be my advice. She may need support immediately on hearing this.

dubstarr

She knows but needs the proof so tell her.Face to face but be prepared to be blamed.But if it was me i would want to know.

Plus if he is found out some other way and she finds out you knew,i think that would be worse way to find out.She either chooses to believe you or stays with him.But your conscience is clear.

homerjay2005

shouldnt the OP have actual proof he is cheating before she goes and makes trouble?

i sincerely doubt that any man in this country would be stupid enough to go out and have dinner in a public place with another woman who he is having an affair with, while in a relationship.

he shouldnt have dating profiles, but again it doesnt actually prove he is cheating. the OP has very much added 2 + 2 here at the moment without actually knowing for sure 100% what the result is.

meeeeh

Right and who did actually suggest she should accuse him of cheating? The benefit of the doubt doesn't mean you wait till you catch him checking someone's tonsils before you tell her about dating profiles.

evolving_doors

been together 7 yrs
always been suspicious of him
'wants' to get married
'wants kids'

last thing kids/family need is a cheating daddy and a mummy who just wanted a donor!
Whats holding her back from getting married thus far?

Are there women out there that just want kids at any cost? If there are, Id wonder if the OP's friend considers the friendship a cost worth eliminating.

Maybe find a little 'more evidence OP. But I think 7 years is a lot to invest in and easily walk away from (esp if there's baby on the brain).

crackers and cheese

Thanks all for the advice. I told her yesterday casually that I was on a few dating sites and noticed he also had a profile. She was very stunned at this and when she asked him about it his answer was that "he is only online to make new friends"... I feel that I should leave it now as I have told her and although she is very sceptical she is not considering ending the relationship

CaraMay

That's all you can do op. Fair play to you, the ball is in her court now. Needs to make new friends??? Yeah right

Ursus Horribilis

Fair play to you for telling her. It was the right thing to do. That she's prepared to believe his lies tells you all you need to know about her mindset. Even if you had mentioned the woman you saw him with, I don't believe it would have changed the outcome. All you can do is hope that it'll set off a little nagging voice in her head. That's a long shot though

pgj2015

crackers and cheese wrote: »

Thanks all for the advice. I told her yesterday casually that I was on a few dating sites and noticed he also had a profile. She was very stunned at this and when she asked him about it his answer was that "he is only online to make new friends"... I feel that I should leave it now as I have told her and although she is very sceptical she is not considering ending the relationship

did he have seeking dating or friendship on his profile? you should of told her about the woman you saw him with in the restaurant.

meeeeh

pgj2015 wrote: »

did he have seeking dating or friendship on his profile? you should of told her about the woman you saw him with in the restaurant.

Nah that's just looking for trouble. If having a profile on dating site didn't sway her that wouldn't either. If ,anything it would create an impression she went looking through dating profiles after seeing him in restaurant.

Op you did well, it's completely up to your friend's now to decide what she wants to do. You did your bit.

evolving_doors

pgj2015 wrote: »

did he have seeking dating or friendship on his profile? you should of told her about the woman you saw him with in the restaurant.

Wow, if accepting that her bf is on a dating website 'to make new friends' isn't going to do it, then I'd say she has her bed well made so she'll be lying in it.

If she has kids OP, she's going to do anything and everything to try and keep that sham together 'for the sake of the kids' ... so that might be to remove you from the equation.

Is he loaded or 'of high social standing' or something?

Ursus Horribilis

Gebgbegb wrote: »

Is he loaded or 'of high social standing' or something?

He doesn't have to be. For some women, a male that's willing to go out with them is enough. The sad thing is that the OP's friend probably now thinks she has the pieces of her jigsaw in place. The man → Wedding → Kids→ Live happily ever. She has invested 7 years of her life in this relationship. Maybe the biological clock is ticking. She probably is afraid that if she gives this joker the boot that she'll not find anyone else.

we'llallhavetea

i have been the messenger and have been shot by my friend. wouldnt change a thing tbh, turns out my friend is a fcuking twat so i'm glad i found that out at least.

crackers and cheese

It would not have made a difference what his profile said on the dating website....For me personally the fact that my boyfriend was even on one would be enough for me...no they don't have kids but she does want a baby in the very near future and it is him that has been dragging his heels. ...mentioning the restaurant was not a good idea as she would then think I went snopping on sites with the purpose of catching him out and may even go so far as to think I created the profile ...as I say I have seen him before worm his way out of implausible situations in regards to this but she chose to believe him every time. ..it is very frustrating for me as she is a lovely girl and could do so much better and does deserve a bit of respect. ..also to the comment regarding social standing etc no he would not be well off and does not contribute much if anything to the household either....I agree with a poster who said she may think she won't get anyone else and has invested years in the relationship. I can't see that there is any other advice I can give her at the moment? ???

strandroad

crackers and cheese wrote: »

It would not have made a difference what his profile said on the dating website....For me personally the fact that my boyfriend was even on one would be enough for me...no they don't have kids but she does want a baby in the very near future and it is him that has been dragging his heels. ...mentioning the restaurant was not a good idea as she would then think I went snopping on sites with the purpose of catching him out and may even go so far as to think I created the profile ...as I say I have seen him before worm his way out of implausible situations in regards to this but she chose to believe him every time. ..it is very frustrating for me as she is a lovely girl and could do so much better and does deserve a bit of respect. ..also to the comment regarding social standing etc no he would not be well off and does not contribute much if anything to the household either....I agree with a poster who said she may think she won't get anyone else and has invested years in the relationship. I can't see that there is any other advice I can give her at the moment? ???

I think you've done well and all you could. You've armed her with information but she needs to make her own decisions...

CaraMay

No leave her at it now. She's clearly desperate to settle down and is willing to do it with anyone even a cheat.

meeeeh

CaraMay wrote: »

No leave her at it now. She's clearly desperate to settle down and is willing to do it with anyone even a cheat.

I hate that. People have their own reasons why they stay in a relationship. I'm not talking about OP at all here but very quickly escalated from judging him to judging her. Maybe she loves him that much that she us prepared to suffer through cheating, maybe she believes him but it is her decision only if she wants to stay with him.

Op I think you did all you could and I think you handled it well.

stargazer 68

Op there is nothing else you can do right now. Just be there for your friend.

Many years ago we knew our friends b/f was cheating on her. We had seen him several times with different women - and not just having dinner. We told her and 'we were just jealous'. So we left it at that. She eventually married him and then divorced him! She always says she wished she had listened to us rather than him but hindsight is a marvellous thing.

Augme

I'd have a think about how much more time you want to invest in this friendship in the future. If I was you I would slowly be cutting this person off for my own happiness/sanity. The thought of having to turn up to her weddings and baby stuff in future knowing what the boyfriend/husband is like would be too much for me. I'd also lose alot of respect for my friend if she allowed herself to be treated so badly.