Pre marriage course

trixychic

Hi guys. I am wondering how much a pre marriage course is now a days and if it is worth doing???

afatbollix

If you want to get married in a Catholic church you have to do a course.

I am doing mine in the uk and its £60 Im sure someone will be along soon to tell you the Irish rate.

chocfan

Worth doing is debatable! As the above poster said, you usually have to do it to get married in a Catholic church-you did in my parish anyway and I think it's expected in general

Our parish dictated that we had to do the Accord one which was €200 and took place over a Friday evening and all day on Saturday. There's lots of them around the country but they can book up quickly enough, especially if you live somewhere heavily populated like Dublin-we were lucky and got a cancellation but nearly had to go to one an hour away.

My advice is just get it done asap to tick off another job, as far as I know you can do it at any time before your wedding

Callanutd

Just signed up to do ours at the end of this month. Its 150 quid for the accord one now. Still the same length though 7.30 to 10pm on the friday and then the full day Saturday. Has to be done so may as well get it out of the way!

MrTom1

what is a pre marriage course and you have to pay for it too ?:eek:

shortstuff!

Avalon is 120 (assume per couple?) and is 11am-5pm.

stickybookmark

you have to ask your priest if you have to do it and which one they will approve. Alot don't approve of Avalon (mine didn't). I did a 1 day one for 99 euro with Naomi Billings in Cork.
This will be an unpopular opinion but I actually did think it was worth doing!

MrTom1

wtf has happened ? never knew this

stickybookmark

MrTom1 wrote: »

wtf has happened ? never knew this

It's only if you're getting married in the catholic church !

MrTom1

i know but why when it wasnt there before >?

michellie

MrTom1 wrote: »

i know but why when it wasnt there before >?

My mother did a marriage course when she got married 32 years ago.

tina1040

I had to do one 16 years ago

galwaydoc

Yeah, we did one in 1998. It's been required for decades.

galwaydoc

trixychic wrote: »

Hi guys. I am wondering how much a pre marriage course is now a days and if it is worth doing???

No, it's really pretty useless. We got a few speakers about "Jesus is in our marriage", and talking about the role of God in the relationship. Load of sh1te really.

It's a chore, but you have to do it to get married in the Catholic church. Get the shortest, cheapest one you can.

Barely There

It's quite genuinely the greatest load of ****e you will ever have the misfortune to sit through.

I nearly walked out when they took out diagrams of the male and female genitalia as if we were a particularly slow bunch of Junior Cert students in Biology class.

A lot of priests insist on it though - it's a money-making racket tbh - so you'll probably have feck all choice in the matter.

Cakerbaker

We got away with doing the Avalon one as Accord was booked out. It wasn't as bad as I was expecting, was delivered by a marriage councillor and was mainly about dealing with normal issues in a marriage. There was very little religious content. From talking to people who've done the Accord one I was glad we did the one we did.

stickybookmark

Cakerbaker wrote: »

was mainly about dealing with normal issues in a marriage. There was very little religious content. .

Naomi Billings was about 50/50.
There was 1 hour on finances from a financial advisor (zero to do with religion) very interesting
There was 1 hour on relationships from a guy who had been married over 30 years, zero religious content on that either - it was very insightful.
Then there was 1 hour with a priest, and about 50% of that was useful too as he went through the nuts and bolts of a catholic wedding mass - for example I learned from him that the 2nd reading is optional which I'd never heard or read anywhere before, I was trying to trim my mass down as much as possible so that got the chop after he told us that. He also told us that the names on the cert (the legal marriage cert) have to be signed exactly as they are written on the cert so be careful about witness's maiden names etc.....as he said it I suddenly realised I had put my sister's maiden name down as the witness name instead of her married name! I asked him about it and he said it would be fine as long as she made sure to sign her name with her maiden name. So I never would have caught that one if it hadn't been for him telling us that (I just warned my sis then to make sure to write her maiden name) apparently if teh registry office gets it back and the name signed is not the same as the name printed, there can be issues.
There was 1 hour on the cervical mucus method of family planning then
I think it's like anything, you can go into it with an open mind and try to take what you can from it and ignore the bits that don't interest you, or you can go in there with an attitude that it's going to be a total waste of a day, and take in nothing

MrTom1

Wow 😯 never heard of it .

The Randy Riverbeast

Not married myself but a guy at work didnt find it much good for a couple who have already been living together for awhile.

Doesnt matter if its worth it or not anyway. You need to do it for most (if not all) Catholic weddings.

trixychic

Thanks for all the replies. We are not actually getting married in a church... it's a civil ceremony. The only reason I asked was I heard they can really help you decide whether or not marriage is the right route for you.

The accord one defo sounds to be the best though. I heard one story where the couple realised that they weren't actually wanting the same things out of life and ended it. Sort of bitter sweet. Horrible to realise that but at least they didn't spend time and money on it all. 😊

Barely There

trixychic wrote: »

The only reason I asked was I heard they can really help you decide whether or not marriage is the right route for you.

If you need a pre-marriage course for that, you're in trouble.

Peregrinus

Barely There wrote: »

If you need a pre-marriage course for that, you're in trouble.

Yes, but if you need a pre-marriage course for that but don't attend a pre-marriage course then you're in even bigger trouble, since a divorce is much slower, more expensive and more painful than just calling off a wedding.

flended12

Had many a heated debate on this in 2008/09 when we were preparing for wedding. We were doing out 9 years and bought a house 2 years at the time.

For starters - you do not have to do a marriage course, it depends entirely on the priest. The reason I know this, I've 4 friends who got married before we did (one of which has a brother who's a priest) and none of them "HAD TO DO IT".

In fact one of the couple were living together for about 15years and have 3 kids...The priest said "sure there's no point" and a donation was made to the local parish.

Don't get me wrong, anyone who wishes to do it more luck to you but I chose not too because I knew you don't have to. Combined with the fact that what happens if you do the course and realise you don't want to be together. I for one would rather make my own "mistake' than have a 3rd party do it for me...but that's just me. Am I being shallow?

What if you've paid 20k for all the bits for the wedding and them some stranger talks you out of it???

My brother in law with his wife did it and basically the course boiled down to he should go out working and herself should start sprouting kids as soon as the ring is put on her finger. This was in 2006. Baffling. Another query was what happens if you've a child with a disability....Jaysus lads this was a person teaching the course who wasn't even married it turned out!

The Catholic Church where I live made it so difficult for us to get married but so did my wife's church close to dublin city because she didn't live in the parish anymore....bonkers! My church basically told us the day we were goin to get married....yea good luck with that. We were more of a hassle to both churches simply by asking for a wedding date. You'd think in this day and age the church would be crying out for good relations with its patrons.

We ended up goin the registry route and a massive party after. Best decision.

We're now happily married since 2009, 2 little girls healthy and we'll since then and done no marriage course.

Do we row? Of course we do...everyone does but not to the extent of "we really shudda done that course in 2009!

Jaysus I guess I'm goin to hell!

Ps if your basing your wedding/future together on doing a course together then perhaps you need to communicate better with each other. There's nothing absolutely nothing a married or pre married couple should have difficulty in communicating and in my opinion you don't need a 3rd party to tell you this, particularly one that has a religious twist to it.

Barely There

Peregrinus wrote: »

Yes, but if you need a pre-marriage course for that but don't attend a pre-marriage course then you're in even bigger trouble, since a divorce is much slower, more expensive and more painful than just calling off a wedding.

A pre-marriage course lasts a day and involves dozens of other couples.

It's inconceivable that you're suddenly going to gain some insightful knowledge of your relationship during it.

That process should have happened during the years you've already spent together as a couple.

That's another of my bug-bears of the pre-marriage course. There was an underlying assumption to a lot of it that you and your future wife hadn't lived together and would have to negotiate domestic routines post-marriage.
Anyone who gets married to someone who hasn't spent a considerable amount of time living with that person pre-marriage is crazy.

Peregrinus

But - no offence - people don't have to live their lives on the basis of your perceptions of "crazy". Lots of people get married having lived together for a relatively short period, or not at all. And if a pre-marriage course is to be any use at all, it needs to recognize reality, even if you think it's a crazy reality.

It may be deplorable that a proportion of people approaching marriage have poor conflict resolution skills and would benefit from some attempt to address that, but that's hardly a rational argument for not making such an attempt. The fact that you may not have needed anything of the kind is hardly evidence that nobody else needs it.

Barely There

Peregrinus wrote: »

Lots of people get married having lived together for a relatively short period, or not at all.

I very much doubt that, but if you've stats to back that up........

Peregrinus wrote: »

The fact that you may not have needed anything of the kind is hardly evidence that nobody else needs it.

Which would be fine if it was presented as a choice - it's not.

Most people who attend these courses only do so because it's a condition by the priest to allow them to get married.

So, let's shove this anarchic practice down everyone's throat because there may be a tiny minority of people who it benefits?

That's some lack of logic behind that approach.


For the most part it's a money-making scam for the church who are getting kick-backs from the course providers.

Peregrinus

Barely There wrote: »

I very much doubt that, but if you've stats to back that up........



Which would be fine if it was presented as a choice - it's not.

Most people who attend these courses only do so because it's a condition by the priest to allow them to get married.

So, let's shove this anarchic practice down everyone's throat because there may be a tiny minority of people who it benefits?

That's some lack of logic behind that approach.


For the most part it's a money-making scam for the church who are getting kick-backs from the course providers.

Ah,when logic fails, resort to conspiracy theory!

Your argument rests on the assumption that only a "tiny minority" of people might benefit from discussion of conflict resolution techniques and other relationship skills. I'd suggest that that assumption is not only unevidenced but is contradicted by most people's common experience. Lots of peopel have interpersonal skills that could use some improvement.

If they're going to take the responsibility of marrying you, they want to know that you have had at least some exposure to the idea of relationship skills, and the concept that they're something you might need to exercise now and then in your marriage. Not everybody needs this, but many people do, and the easiest way of ensuring that everybody is at least at a basic level is to require them all to participate in a course. Even those who may not absolutely need it can still benefit from the refresher.

That, on the whole, strikes me as a much more plausible account of matter that your financial conspiracy theory.

lazygal

I think it depends on the couple in question. I know one couple who didn't live together before they got married and had never discussed finances and other longer term plans. They got a lot out of the course they did, they wanted a church wedding and were happy to do the course.
We got married after less than two years of knowing each other, and moved in after less than a year. From an early stage we'd discussed finances, we knew where we stood regarding children and we had always worked out things together. A course wouldn't have done us much good I think-moving in worked out a lot of the issues that might not have otherwise arisen.

cailinoBAC

I did mine here
http://www.redemptoristsesker.ie/what-we-do/retreat-house/marriage-preparation-courses/
on the recommendation of my brother and sister in law. Maybe for some people doing a weekend is a waste of time but I thought if we had to do it we may as well do it right. A lot of the complaints I see here are not ones that could be made about this one. There were other couples of course, but it wasn't about sitting in a class and being lectured to, there were speakers about different topics, if I remember correctly there were two couples, one who had been married a long time and one married just a few years. We then were given different topics to talk about, like we would split up and write down our thoughts then come back and discuss, just between the two of us, not as if anybody is checking up on you! I mean you could just do nothing, but what good would that be?
They'd tell you stories of some people who hadn't discussed, for example, children, but I suppose that's extreme, but at the same time there may be some smaller things that you never really thought about, not dealbreakers, but just worth discussing. It was nice to have some time away from the craziness of wedding planning to discuss your relationship and the actual marriage.
There was not too much focus on religion, there was a mass at the end, but to be honest if you find that too much you probably shouldn't be getting married in a church. I would think if that was the case though, and there is a similar option without the religious aspect it would be worth doing. You get out of it what you put into it though, so if you go in with the assumption that it will be useless it probably will be.

stickybookmark

cailinoBAC wrote: »

It was nice to have some time away from the craziness of wedding planning to discuss your relationship and the actual marriage.
.

That was exactly what I thought about it. People spend years and thousands upon thousands on planning the wedding a couple of hours talking about/thinking about the marriage was a nice timeout.
I think it's commendable that the OP despite getting married in a civil ceremony is thinking of doing a pre-marriage course. But I don't know if there are any non-religious ones available. I'd say just try and use the advice on here to find the least religious of the religious ones OP!

fits

Relationships ireland offer non religious courses. We were going to do one but ran out of time in the end. I think they could be a good idea if done well

Callanutd

We are doing it because our priest said we have to, no other reason. We are doing the Accord one because its the one on soonest and also the one he said he would prefer we do. A few of our friends have said that, while the majority of it is boring and quite plainly ridiculous for couples who have been living together for a number of years, that they did take some things out of it. For us it has to be done so there is no point dreading it or complaining, just get it done and try and take something out of it.

Mrs OBumble

Marriage is likely the most serious thing you will do in your entire life. It has serious legal consequences - both rights and responsibilities. It also has a major effect on human happiness and life-style.

It's crazy that the state allows people to marry without providing them with any kind of in-depth information of the serious legal and financial consequences of getting married. And that we assume that the communication and conflict-management skills which people learn in secondary school (the last required formal education) are all that is needed for life.

IMHO a secular marriage preparation course should be compulsory for all couples who want to marry. And if the churches want to run these and to add in an optional religious component as well, then that would be ok by me.

For most people, I'd also send follow up information (after the wedding) about where to go for further courses about childbirth / parenting, financial management, and advanced relationship skills. it's mad that population-education ends at 18.

adub

We did ours a few months ago with Accord. It had to do with communication etc. only religious aspect was where local priest came in for an hour but that was it. It was pretty long and we didn't get much out of it personally as we've good communication skills and have discussed all these things already but I could see there were couples there who were finding it difficult to communicate with each other so I do think they're worth doing - although they should be cheaper I think!

pwurple

I think there's probably value in them. The amount of people who are a bit fuzzy about what they are getting themselves into with marriage (and now living together) is scary. There are loads of couples living together who have no idea what their boyfriend/girlfriend earns, what assets they have, whether they want children or not. And yet they have effectively given them the rights to claim a financial interest on their house! And don't even get me started on biology. How many blokes under 30 remember when the fertile days of a woman's cycle is?

We didn't do a course at the time, but both of us were very clued in on what we were legally undertaking. We spoke about what we expected from marriage, finances, assets, family and some what-ifs. Our priest knew us well, so told us about the courses, and said we could do them or not, up to us.

Electric Sheep

Mrs OBumble wrote: »

Marriage is likely the most serious thing you will do in your entire life. It has serious legal consequences - both rights and responsibilities. It also has a major effect on human happiness and life-style.

It's crazy that the state allows people to marry without providing them with any kind of in-depth information of the serious legal and financial consequences of getting married. And that we assume that the communication and conflict-management skills which people learn in secondary school (the last required formal education) are all that is needed for life.

IMHO a secular marriage preparation course should be compulsory for all couples who want to marry. And if the churches want to run these and to add in an optional religious component as well, then that would be ok by me.

For most people, I'd also send follow up information (after the wedding) about where to go for further courses about childbirth / parenting, financial management, and advanced relationship skills. it's mad that population-education ends at 18.

Paddy and Patricia think the Sweet Cart is more important.

trixychic

Wow so much info. As for us we have been together 8 years, have 2 kids been living with Each other 7 yrs. So I mean the marriage is just a formality so to speak.

I only asked about the course because I did hear apparently ppl didn't go through with the marraige after it. I suppose it just jumped into my head then as a kind of "oh crap should we try doing that?? Would we need to do something like that?"

Ps I do tend to over think things on a daily basis.

It's very interesting to see how split everyone is on the subject though.

RentDayBlues

We found ours quite good, not the sex talk part which was just ridiculous but there was a section where you had to individually answer questions, then compare your answers. Some of the answers were quite surprising and was good to sit and talk them through

Ours was back in November 2010, the first day of all that snow that year, so it was cut short to allow us head home

delthedriver

Never did a pre - marriage course !


Perhaps it is money and time well invested ?


It is an investment in the rest of your life...........a small price to pay, if you discover second thoughts. Certainly a way of avoiding messing up lives.

Callanutd

So we had ours, 2 hours Friday night and then 10-4pm on Saturday. Gained absolutely nothing from it. Found it extremely old fashioned and slightly condescending. The family planning section was especially amusing, advocating the temperature method and monitoring the female cycle! One of the other participants was a nurse and she put her hand up to say she would not advocate either method. It just seemed like a throw back to the 1960's or something. Asking the men how they would feel if their wife went on a shopping splurge with the credit card.
They did a few exercises where you had to write down your partners traits, how you feel about them etc. If you are at this stage and cant answer those in tune with your partner you have no business getting married imo. Met some lovely couples on it though and it was nice to talk about the wedding plans with them and what they are doing and know that everyone was actually interested in the conversation! The ones we spoke to though were similar to ourselves in that they felt they were gaining nothing from attending.