Dealing with Smart Comments

Clareman

Hi all,

First time poster so please go easy on me. Recently I've been lucky enough to welcome our second daughter to the family, to be completely honest I'm over the moon that she's a girl and when she was born I initially thought she was a boy and was a bit disappointed. I've come across a couple of eejits over the last couple of days with their smart comments about having girls, things like "at least my mikey works right" (he has a boy) and "you'll have to go again for the boy", normally I'll give as good as I get but I don't know how to respond to them, I just ignored them but I was wondering if anything has any advice for appropriate responses?

Chemical Byrne

Well that's just it - they're eejits. Take no heed of them is all I can say.

Dial Hard

Just smile and nod. If you'd two boys they'd be saying the exact same thing only about having/trying for a grl. There's absolutely nothing personal in it at all.

eviltwin

Tell your friend he's a dick. As for the others just ignore. Best way forward.

Moonbeam

What an idiot:(
Ignore him.

January

We had three girls before we had a boy and my husband endured a comment or two from members of my family about the same thing (ironically one of them also had only girls). My advice is to ignore also. Rise above it.

Sunny Dayz

Agreed with the other posters - those guys just sound like idiots. But unfortunately the one about having to go again for the other gender is a very popular one.
Think you need to have a few replies ready to roll out to them:
"At least she's healthy and happy so I've no complaints"
"I'm blessed amongst women in my house"
"I'm going to get my man-den in order!"
"I'll have a shotgun ready if any boys go near my precious daughters"

Kev W

You can't go wrong with "go f*ck yourself".

Edited to add:

It occurs to me that you might be more polite and even-tempered than I, in which case may I suggest" yeah we saw how your boy turned out and decided not to risk it".

Clareman

I'd be far from polite, in fact I would be 1 of the quickest normally with a come back, this 1 did hit a nerve though, I'll just turn the other cheek now and if they keep at it I'll turn their cheek

flended12

I've two daughters too! As a joke on the 2nd one I asked the midwife could she "check again". Twas grand.

Got the usual "sissy mickey" etc and it's waters off a ducks back to be honest...maybe I'm too thick to pay any heed.

However...I do have "a relation" who's a monumental bellend at the best of times and when this person made the above remark my response was two fold...

1. Any gobs**te can make a boy, it takes skill and craft to create a little girl.

2. (Aimed at gobs**te above)
Did you know there's 2 types of fuc*in eejits in the world...& your both of them.
Enjoy your 2nd girl pal. Wear earplugs and say g'luck to what's left of your sanity! 😂

Ms2011

You'll never win with people like that, I had a girl in April after previously having a boy & all I heard was how I DIDN'T have to go again now I had one of each, like it's anyone else's business when my family is complete.
As it happens 2 was always going to be enough for us regardless of the genders we had, healthy happy kids was always our goal.

iguana

Ms2011 wrote: »

You'll never win with people like that, I had a girl in April after previously having a boy & all I heard was how I DIDN'T have to go again now I had one of each, like it's anyone else's business when my family is complete.
As it happens 2 was always going to be enough for us regardless of the genders we had, healthy happy kids was always our goal.

A friend heard the weirdest one ever a few years back. He had a daughter, then a son and was with a friend who also had a daughter, then a son. They went together to congratulate a mutual friend who had just had his first child, a boy. This third friend proceeded to mock them both about how jealous they must be that his first child was a boy, while they both only managed to have a boy second.

LegacyUser

God, people are horrible aren't they?I'm one of four girls, and I have a daughter and one on the way.Couldn't care less what the sex is.
Some great responses here.Also pointing out that nobody has an inch of control over this is a good one.Mainly turning a deaf ear is the best though I'd say.Once the baby is healthy, that's all that matters.

MissFlitworth

Go full gormless, poker faced robot on them and make them explain themselves. It sucks the glee right out of idiots when they're being rude.

"At least my mickey works"
"...sorry, I don't get you, what's that about your mickey?"
"...eh, it works. My kid is a boy"
"Are you saying there's something wrong with my newborn daughter there?"
"What...no...it's just..."
"Yeah, that's pretty ignorant even for you. Hopefully you didn't squirt your **** sense of humour into the kid along with your gender"

Or something to that effect. Just something that makes them explain themselves and makes the joke super awkward.

(Wtf to the 'sissy mickey' thing. People think like that? )

pwurple

Wtf! What a pile of jackasses. Who on earth insults someone's newborn?

efb

Srsly? People need to cop the fcuk on!

Do your friends live in the 19C???

I can't believe this crâp still goes on!!!

Diamond Doll

I can't believe the ignorance of some people.

I realise that it might feel natural to answer a smart comment with a smart response, but I wouldn't dignify such nasty and potentially hurtful remarks with any banter in return. That'll make them think it's OK to continue to make such comments to other new parents.

I'd be more likely to respond as Miss Flitworth suggested above. Make it clear how inappropriate and unfunny their comments are. Might make them think twice before making similar comments again.

Julo12

Diamond Doll wrote: »

I can't believe the ignorance of some people.

I realise that it might feel natural to answer a smart comment with a smart response, but I wouldn't dignify such nasty and potentially hurtful remarks with any banter in return. That'll make them think it's OK to continue to make such comments to other new parents.

I'd be more likely to respond as Miss Flitworth suggested above. Make it clear how inappropriate and unfunny their comments are. Might make them think twice before making similar comments again.

Agree with this. A smart comment back and they go away thinking how funny they are. A silent stare or serious comment back and they 'might' think twice about it in future...

I have 2 girls and so far haven't gotten any comments though I know my dad is the type to not think twice about it so it's just a matter of time.. I'll just say I'm happy to have two happy and healthy children thank you very much😊
I thought ppl had more cop on these days.. To me it's a bit like asking couples when they're going to have kids without knowing if they might have been trying for years.

Sunny Dayz

For those who are in disbelief that people can make smart comments like that, believe me they can and they do. They try to make it seem like jist and banter but the words stay with you long after.
My husband's friend is like that. He has on a couple of occasions in the past year joked about the fact that we are not pregnant. I have one child from a previous relationship and we have no plans for another for the foreseeable future. And it's said to me, not to my husband. Things like "at least I know mine is in working order". "If you need some help, you know, wink wink, cos he mustn't be able to". It is said in jist but it's just not something you joke about to people. The reason I haven't responded is cos he catches me off guard and I am literally in shock. I think of a million responses after when the moment has passed or he's gone.


I can understand why the OP hasn't responded to the comments - you get such a shock, you cannot believe someone has actually said something like that to you, you can't believe your ears! It's only when you dwell on it afterwards that it really gets to you.

JanaMay

Congrats on your two lovely daughters OP.

When I was pregnant on my first, and knew she was a girl already, a semi-stranger (father of one 13-yr-old boy) congratulated me but when I told him it was a girl he asked me if I'd 'go again straight away for a boy'! I was still pregnant!!! :eek:

Pregnant on my second, I was secretly hoping for another girl just because it would make things easier - eg they could share a room for longer, had all the clothes etc needed.

Some people have no cop on. Just enjoy your lovely family and pay no heed!

TheBody

I'm in shock reading the posts. I'm amazed and appalled in equal measures, that this is a thing.

My wife is due our first child in January. I would go full nuclear at anybody that would utter such disgusting, insensitive remarks.

BarryD

The interesting thing about this scenario is that even though it's obviously politically very uncool to think like that now... it shows just how hard it is to get away from the way society functioned for many centuries.

In our rural and many other rural societies, boys offered the promise of help to make a living, an heir and so on. Whilst girls offered the promise of children to continue the human race but also the expense of a dowry etc.

We largely don't think like that now (I'm sure some do) but it's still deep rooted in the psyche and pops out in odd ways

JanaMay

You have a point BarryD, a lot of it is probably a throwback to the past. But even in modern, urban settings it's often considered that baby girls are for the Mammies to use as dolls and play dress-up, and boys are there to learn how to play football with Daddy.

It's really hard to bring children up to be who they want to be, though my parents managed it back in the early seventies. And we're so glad they did. I played football with my dad, and learnt to use power tools while my brother got his excellent cooking skills from our mam. My other sister wasn't interested in anything my parents did.

I don't want to go off-topic but I really do feel that there is an undue amount of pressure on little girls to be 'princesses' and on little boys to be 'warriors'. Let them decide for themselves I say. Every child is unique: CastleDaughter2 is not going to be a carbon copy of CastleDaughter1. I have one friend who has 3 daughters and another who has 3 sons. None of the children in each family, regardless of whether they have penises or vulvas, are the same as their siblings.

Rose35

Clareman wrote: »

Hi all,

First time poster so please go easy on me. Recently I've been lucky enough to welcome our second daughter to the family, to be completely honest I'm over the moon that she's a girl and when she was born I initially thought she was a boy and was a bit disappointed. I've come across a couple of eejits over the last couple of days with their smart comments about having girls, things like "at least my mikey works right" (he has a boy) and "you'll have to go again for the boy", normally I'll give as good as I get but I don't know how to respond to them, I just ignored them but I was wondering if anything has any advice for appropriate responses?

Can I ask why you were initially disappointed when you thought it was a boy? I have one boy and hopefully will be blessed with another child but is it that having a girl already made you disappointed in the fact it might be a boy? I really don't care what I have to be honest but get the remarks of oh you can't leave him on his own and you need to have another one soon etc.

Clareman

Rose35 wrote: »

Can I ask why you were initially disappointed when you thought it was a boy? I have one boy and hopefully will be blessed with another child but is it that having a girl already made you disappointed in the fact it might be a boy? I really don't care what I have to be honest but get the remarks of oh you can't leave him on his own and you need to have another one soon etc.

When our first came along I was out of work and was at home with her for most of the first year of her life, my wife works weekends and evenings so I'm a "single" parent for a lot of the week, I've great fun with her and she insists on me doing her hair/nails, I think my initial feeling was due to the fact that I would be missing out on all that as well as the fact that I was praying that the baby would come out healthy just like her sister.

I hadn't much sleep the night before and it was only a fleeting emotion, I'm over the moon now to have my family home and healthy.

Rose35

Whenever I ask my boy(3) would he like a sister or brother he always says a sister, I always find this interesting coming from a boy. As long as their healthy is the main thing. Congrats by the way.

Clareman

Rose35 wrote: »

Whenever I ask my boy(3) would he like a sister or brother he always says a sister, I always find this interesting coming from a boy. As long as their healthy is the main thing. Congrats by the way.

We used to ask ours as well and it changed every day, really we just wanted a healthy baby

LegacyUser

Sunny Dayz wrote: »

For those who are in disbelief that people can make smart comments like that, believe me they can and they do. They try to make it seem like jist and banter but the words stay with you long after.
My husband's friend is like that. He has on a couple of occasions in the past year joked about the fact that we are not pregnant. I have one child from a previous relationship and we have no plans for another for the foreseeable future. And it's said to me, not to my husband.
Things like "at least I know mine is in working
order". "If you need some help, you know, wink
wink, cos he mustn't be able to". It is said in jist
but it's just not something you joke about to
people. The reason I haven't responded is cos
he catches me off guard and I am literally in
shock. I think of a million responses after when
the moment has passed or he's gone.




I can understand why the OP hasn't responded to the comments - you get such a shock, you cannot believe someone has actually said something like that to you, you can't believe your ears! It's only when you dwell on it afterwards that it really gets to you.

Has he got kids? Tell him to be careful...karma can be a bitch.We had one friend like that.He was like that until they started trying for number 2 and it took over a year along with some very expensive hormome treatments to help it along.
There's not a word out of him now.

Clareman

I was talking to a proper friend this evening and I told him about the comment, he told of a mutual friend who was being "slagged" for having 2 girls by a guy with no kids his response was "my stuff works, if herself wants some she knows where she can get some", yerman was laughed out of the pub.

highly1111

People are unreal what they say. My father in law - yes, father in law - said that he finally had a true grandson when our son was born - because his other grandson has a double barrelled name and therefore isn't a true carrier of the name..... Unbelievable.

When we had our daughter after two boys we were asked did we "go for her" because we wanted a girl - almost implying our second boy was a disappointment so we had to go again really quickly to try and right that wrong.... People are unreal. We wanted a third CHILD - regardless of sex.

Victor

My siblings had 5 girls before a boy. Everyone was happy that a healthy baby was born. Sure the odds were a little bit skewed, but everyone loved the babies for what they were, not what they might be.

Clareman wrote: »

"at least my mikey works right"

As if yours doesn't? [Feel free to slap me if it doesn't ]

Let him know that it is the mother's hormones that decide whether the egg accepts a male or female sperm.

Neyite

grrrrr79 wrote: »

Has he got kids? Tell him to be careful...karma can be a bitch.We had one friend like that.He was like that until they started trying for number 2 and it took over a year along with some very expensive hormome treatments to help it along.
There's not a word out of him now.

Sounds like he learned a lesson a very hard way then. I'm sure that I jokingly nudged couples and joked about then having another, or getting a move on, and I regret that now. I think it's a bit harsh to say its karma though - I just think that some people are luckily blissfully unaware of how horrible infertility and pregnancy loss is and are just tactless. If they know about your infertility issues and still are thoughtless and insensitive, that is another story though.

DvB

I had something slightly similar said to me after our twins were born, (we had a boy & a girl) one comment was 'At least one of them worked out alright' .....

WTF?? Who comes out with this kind of juvenile garbage? I was gobsmacked, but managed to come back with a 'grow the f**k up will you' as I walked away... no response was forthcoming so I took that as an embarrassed acceptance of talking sh*te.

di11on

These eejits are nothing... my mother said to me that she's been praying that we have a boy.

Honestly... if she wasn't my mother... and even then!!!

nikpmup

People honestly feel as if they have the right to say whatever the fluck comes into their tiny little minds. When I got married, my husband and I discovered that we couldn't have kids. For years I was asked over and over what was or wasn't cooking. I eventually let rip with both barrels on a particularly rude colleague. The fact that I was mid-IVF cycle at the time was probably the thing that tipped me over the edge (and probably why I kept my job - my boss knew I was having treatment)

A few years after my husband died I met my partner. Given our ages and what I'd been through we decided to try for kids really soon. When I became pregnant with my son, I got at least six or seven comments to the effect of "your husband's bits must have been broken". I usually responded (loudly) with " Yes, my LATE husband and I had male-factor infertility. Feel better, miss Marple/Sherlock?!" Worked a treat, and nobody's gonna challenge a pregnant bird

Ms2011

People actually commented that your late husbands 'bits' mustn't have been working???!!! That is shocking!:eek::eek:

Clareman

Don't underestimate other people's stupidity, they think they are being "funny" but they are being extremely insensitive, the advice to just ignore it is the best, saying that I don't think I'd be able to hold my tongue if someone was to say something about my wife/kids.

nikpmup

Ms2011 wrote: »

People actually commented that your late husbands 'bits' mustn't have been working???!!! That is shocking!:eek::eek:

Not quite as blatant as that, but not far off. And yep, people seemed to think that a perfectly acceptable conversation piece was talking about a dead man's fertility to his widow.

birchtree

One thing I've learned in this country is that if you can't take bollo*king, you will get more of it! So the only way through it is to give some back!
Here's an oldie from some other part of the world:
Grandpa is talking to his son who has just became a father:
-Well, is it a boy?
-No.
-What is it then???

Clareman

birchtree wrote: »

One thing I've learned in this country is that if you can't take bollo*king, you will get more of it! So the only way through it is to give some back!

I would say giving back might only make it worse as it'll either escalate or someone else will join in, if you show to be upset by it it'll be just as bad, the best thing is either to ignore it or give an auld "will you f**k off you g0bsh1te"

Chocolate fiend

When we had a daughter after 3 boys pretty much everyone commented that I must be delighted to have finally "got my girl" and yes I was but, it was none of their business and I would have been just as happy with a beautiful 4th son

homerjay2005

Clareman wrote: »

Hi all,

First time poster so please go easy on me. Recently I've been lucky enough to welcome our second daughter to the family, to be completely honest I'm over the moon that she's a girl and when she was born I initially thought she was a boy and was a bit disappointed. I've come across a couple of eejits over the last couple of days with their smart comments about having girls, things like "at least my mikey works right" (he has a boy) and "you'll have to go again for the boy", normally I'll give as good as I get but I don't know how to respond to them, I just ignored them but I was wondering if anything has any advice for appropriate responses?

these arent worth having in your circle of friends. if they are that shallow and resentful, i suggest you starting pushing them out of your life. the older you get, the less time and tolerance you should have for these clowns in your life.

does your wife/partner know they are saying this? wonder what the mothers of their own children would say.