Mental Health and Guilt

LegacyUser

I don't really know where to start with this because I feel so stupid but I've been having serious problems with my mental health and the guilt that I feel about it.

From the outside I feel like my life probably looks perfect, I'm 19, in university and living in an apartment with two of my best friends. My parents are still married, I have an amazing boyfriend and amazing groups of friends in different cities around the country. I started working at 15 in a really unique and interesting job that paid me very well and have since been able to put myself through Uni, save money and also go out and plan trips pretty much whenever I want or need too. I'm doing well in my course, I exercise regularly but I do drink way too much.

I feel very guilty when my mental health issues pop up and its getting harder and harder to mask them. The amount of hospitals and psychiatrists my parents had to pay for when I was younger mortifies me. I have everything but I don't deserve any of it. I'm like a ticking time bomb, I can't be by myself. I'm only writing this because I'm home early from a weekend away with my boyfriend and my friends haven't come home yet. Brilliant weekend, everything was amazing but then I come home and I rock on the bathroom floor for half an hour because I'm hearing voices. I feel like a fake because I can hold it together so well in public and do whatever I want even if I'm literally on fire on the inside. I'm not a nervous person, I like being the centre of attention, I just can't stand myself when I'm alone.

The more I read about mental illness online the more I freak myself out because I have no control over myself - I read things about having more than one personality and I can't wrap my head around any of it. Doctors have mentioned depression, bipolar, schizophrenia, psychosis but then my life takes over again and I disappear from my appointments and don't answer my phone to doctors who are trying to help me. I'm so unfair to everyone and I feel sort of stuck between sorting out whatever these issues are or just getting on with things and making the most of the life that I have, while I still have it.

The drinking is a problem that I can't control. I'm the known "big drinker" with everyone I know at college. I drink vodka straight and I can't even speak by the time we get in the taxi. Everyone thinks its hilarious. Sometimes I'll have a few shots in the morning to try hold myself together - when I type that it seems a lot more serious. I don't know how to go about stopping, especially in a college environment.

I'm tired of being the "problem", I don't stick to any medication or therapy I'm so erratic and I don't know why my family or boyfriend put up with me. I'm never calm - I don't know if that's a type of anxiety maybe, or something different? When I go to counselling services in my college I just feel ridiculous. I know its their job and they are there to listen but I can't shake the "some people have bigger problems" attitude, even if the voices are spinning around the room while I'm in there. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like an absolute plague to everyone and I solve it all by going out, acting ridiculous and amusing them all for a night. I'm so tired somedays I feel like I could collapse. I take melatonin every night and sleep about 5 hours a night on average before I'm jumping around the place again like a f*cking flea.

LegacyUser

I'm sorry to hear what you're going through, dealing with mental health issues is never easy and it's so misunderstood.

Hearing voices is not normal. Drinking yourself into a near coma is not normal. You've admitted yourself your behaviour is erratic.

You need to speak with a gp and get him to go through options with you. Burying it is not going to make it go away.

Makapakka

You have recognised you need help and that is the first step. I would recommend you talking to your gp and telling him everything. If you can't say it, print out your post and show it to him. Tell your parents. they love you enough to have helped you before and will so it again. I know the guilt feeling but if you think about it, it's for them as well as for you. Post here and in the anxiety/depression thread in "long term illness" as much as you want, there will always be people to listen. Take deep breaths, try to find your centre. Write if you have to. Draw, paint, anything that helps. You will get through this if you allow people in. Good luck

DukeOfTheSharp

You really do need to go to your GP and get yourself into a counselor and/or therapist, because it sounds like you're in a very, very bad way. At the point where someone hears voices, it's time to get that seen to.

Most of all though, you need to realise that this is not, nor has it ever been, your fault. Mental health is something that we've demonized in this country for the longest time, but the truth is that it's something plenty of people go through. The longer you remain silent, the worse you'll feel, the less in control you'll feel, and it'll feed into a loop that will inevitably hurt you and make your recovery that much harder.

And just to point this out: I've mental health issues too. Chronic anxiety, it ventured into depression earlier in the year and became a serious problem. What helped me was the person I was with, who helped me go to my GP, get medication and regularly go to counselling sessions, all of which has helped me tremendously. I think you need to come clean with your boyfriend, at the very least. If he doesn't understand, toss him, and go to your closest friend. Regardless, you need a good support system of people who know what's happening, how you're feeling and who'll bolster you at your lowest. Other than that, I can't really give anymore advice than telling you that this is about you, nobody else's opinion matters, nobodies problems matter, and yours are the most important to you. That, at the end of the day, is all that matters.

matthew86

Dude it's time to get serious about your mental health.

You are hearing voices and your doctors have mentioned possible bipolar, schizophrenia, psychosis and yet you don't/won't follow up on their appointments because your life takes over.

I know it's scary, but like everything else in life hiding away from the problem won't make it go away, and in this case WILL probably make it worse.

I suffer from mental health problems myself, so appreciated how difficult it can be facing up to the problem, but it can/will get better if you take the first steps and see it through.

pookie82

feelguilty wrote: »

I'm like a ticking time bomb

You're not, though. And you know why? Because you've written what you've just written here. Your post is well constructed and clear. You're not a mess or a bomb waiting to go off. You have identified exactly what is going wrong and you've had the courage to ask for input.

Print what you've written here, and show it to your psychiatrist. If you're not still under the care of one, bring it to your GP.

This WILL get worse and out of control if you let it. But remember, you have the power to change the course of your life, and to stop it defining you.

With regard to what you say about everything seeming perfect on the outside, well isn't that always the case. There's not a single person out there walking on the street today who doesn't have their own issues and demons. That's the torture of mental health issues; they often hit people who outwardly, "on paper" should have no cause to feel that way. That's not how it works ... it chooses you. You can't help it.

But you CAN help how you react to it, and how you overcome it. Please talk to someone and show them what you've shown us. Accept their help, follow their guidelines, and stop drinking.