You think you know someone

Heat_Wave

Hi Guys.

I debated whether to post this or not, as last time I posted this thread was several months ago and I received a lot of abuse.

Basically, I posted several months ago asking the people of boards in PI if they thought my best friend was an escort or not. I gave the information which led me to believe that she was in fact an escort and I received numerous keyboard warrior responses to say 'she deserves a better friend than you etc'.

Well I found out this evening that yes, she is in fact an escort. I simply googled some information and a photo of her comes up, along with her mobile number and services.

I am not one to judge someone, but my issue is this.

We have been best mates for approximately 7 years. I have listened to her many, many stories about clients etc. (massage therapist). She is the type of person who talks non stop about herself, and will not listen nor have an interest in what other people have to say. She complains about not having money all the time, yet will arrive in town the following week with a brand new Louis Vuitton bag.

I feel as though I have been lied to for 7 whole years. It is not the fact that she is an escort that is bothering me, it's the fact that we consider one another best mates and for 7 years she has lied to me. I feel as though I never really knew her at all.

I am going through some issues of my own, depression, loneliness, bad dating experiences and I really feel overwhelmed now. I am so lonely at times and would love nothing more than a relationship with someone, that closeness, that bond. And discovering this revelation this evening has made me ten times more down. I feel resentful, angry, envious (in so far as my dating experiences have led me feeling very down, meanwhile she has men contacting her by the second), and quite hurt.

She has been living with her boyfriend for 5 years, I don't even know if he knows. It's not my business to tell him anyway, it's hers.

Any suggestions as to what I should do? How I should feel?

Thanks for reading.

Sinall

You seem to be taking this very personally. This is probably something she keeps from most people, not just you. It's her own personal information so, while you might be disappointed that she hasn't confided in you, that's her decision.

As for the other stuff - her only being interested in herself etc - you have to think about whether you think the friendship has a future, irrespective of her other activities. You seem to be quite resentful of her. You sound like you're going through a tough time and are upset that she isn't there for you which is separate to anything else.

Try to stop focusing on her so much; it seems like you're putting a lot of energy into it that could be better spent on you and helping you get through this rough time.

strandroad

It really sounds like there is not that much friendship between you, is it? She probably does not see you as a close friend to share personal info with, and you think less of her because of her attitude and now her escorting.

Why don't you reduce contact and focus on other people - none of you seems to have any positive influence on the other.

Idle Passerby

She didn't lie to you, she just didn't inform you of something personal. Your her friend not her partner, its obviously not something she feels she needs to tell you and that's her prerogative.

So she has no money but shows up with designer handbags. She may be getting this stuff as "gifts" from her clients. Just because she has expensive items doesn't necessarily mean she has the money to pay for them herself. Either way, what she spends or doesn't spend her money on isn't your business.

As for her boyfriend, maybe hes aware of what she does, if shes that easy to find online then more than likely he does. Either way its not your concern.

You're going through a hard time, feeling lonely etc. If shes as shallow and self centered as you say, shes probably not the kind of friend you need at the moment and please don't feel jealous of the attention she gets from men, they are clients paying for a service, nothing more. She doesnt sounds like someone who has an enviable life to me.

Heat_Wave

Idle Passerby wrote: »

She didn't lie to you, she just didn't inform you of something personal. Your her friend not her partner, its obviously not something she feels she needs to tell you and that's her prerogative.

So she has no money but shows up with designer handbags. She may be getting this stuff as "gifts" from her clients. Just because she has expensive items doesn't necessarily mean she has the money to pay for them herself. Either way, what she spends or doesn't spend her money on isn't your business.

As for her boyfriend, maybe hes aware of what she does, if shes that easy to find online then more than likely he does. Either way its not your concern.

You're going through a hard time, feeling lonely etc. If shes as shallow and self centered as you say, shes probably not the kind of friend you need at the moment and please don't feel jealous of the attention she gets from men, they are clients paying for a service, nothing more. She doesnt sounds like someone who has an enviable life to me.

There is no need to be so harsh. I stated that her boyfriend knowing is not my concern. Why repeat it?

I also disagree with you where her occupation is not my concern. Best friends for 7 years and not knowing your friends occupation? That's quite odd and highly unusual.

MagicMarker

Heat_Wave wrote: »

There is no need to be so harsh. I stated that her boyfriend knowing is not my concern. Why repeat it?

I also disagree with you where her occupation is not my concern. Best friends for 7 years and not knowing your friends occupation? That's quite odd and highly unusual.

I doubt it's unusual when the occupation is that of a prostitute.

zoe 3619

Heat_Wave wrote: »

There is no need to be so harsh. I stated that her boyfriend knowing is not my concern. Why repeat it?

I also disagree with you where her occupation is not my concern. Best friends for 7 years and not knowing your friends occupation? That's quite odd and highly unusual.

Unusual,yes.but we are all entitled to our private lives.
You

Idle Passerby

Heat_Wave wrote: »

There is no need to be so harsh. I stated that her boyfriend knowing is not my concern. Why repeat it?

I also disagree with you where her occupation is not my concern. Best friends for 7 years and not knowing your friends occupation? That's quite odd and highly unusual.

I'm sorry I offended you, I didn't intend to. I only reiterated the bit about her boyfriend because you yourself mentioned it. I was agreeing with you that it's a non-issue in terms of your friendship with her.

As the poster above said, prostitution isnt something people generally advertise to non clients, I would have thought. She might have kept quiet for a number of reasons. At the end of the day she was never obligated to spell out to you what she does.

arayess

zoe 3619 wrote: »

Unusual,yes.but we are all entitled to our private lives.
You

i'm with the OP on this. If she was such a good friend hiding this for 7years is odd.
OP - I'd suggest she isn't as close to you as you are to her

leaving out that she is an escort , if a close friends omitted something like this from me over a period of 7 years , I'd wonder about how real the friendship was.
If it was a fella from the gym i wouldn't care but somebody who I consider a close friend then yeah.
I think the OP is right to question things.

freshpopcorn

In your previous thread you said you would not like o be associated with somebody who sold their body for a living.
You now know for sure. So, don't associated with her.
Now, this is just what I've herd from people escorts sometimes attend dinners/parties with with clients and often they'd be posh and she might be given designer clothes/bags to look the part.

Ursus Horribilis

If you'd more friends this would not be consuming you in the way that is. You said that you struggle with loneliness so I take from that that you've not really got any other friends. I too wonder how close a friend she really is. She doesn't sound like a particularly good friend from what you've described. You could argue that the pair of you are actually using each other in different ways.

You would be better off putting your energies into expanding your social life and meeting new people. You don't seem to be getting anything positive from this friendship so it's time to meet people who suit you better. You don't have to cut her out of your life if you don't want to. Just downgrade her to a friend rather than a bestie if that makes sense?

Heat_Wave

Odus fell down wrote: »

If you'd more friends this would not be consuming you in the way that is. You said that you struggle with loneliness so I take from that that you've not really got any other friends. I too wonder how close a friend she really is. she does send like a particularly good friend from what you've described. You could argue that the pair of you are actually using each other in different ways.

You would be better off putting your energies into expanding your social life and meeting new people. You don't seem to be getting anything positive from this friendship so it's time to meet people who suit you better. You don't have to cut her out of your life if you don't want to. A recognition of coffee actually is in your life would be better. She is perhaps more of a more distant friend rather than a best friend if you know what I mean.

I think you are very right.

I have spoken to my counscillor about my friendship with her before. I told her that this girl has nothing in common with me and that I'm only friends with her for the company. I can tell you one thing though, I am also her only friend and I know she considers me her best mate. We see one another about 2/3 times per week.

I don't know what to do. The thought of not having her company is very hard to think about. Everyone needs a friend.

What can you suggest I do?

Penny Tration

Heat_Wave wrote: »

I I'm only friends with her for the company.

That tells you all you need to know. You BOTH deserve a better friend than you're being to each other.

For both your sakes, cut contact, get out and make new friends.

rocheyy

Do you honestly think she'd want anyone knowing with how fast everyone else would hear about it! Its not exactly a thing to brag about and plus everyone has a secret or two they never tell people!

bmm

Penny Tration wrote: »

You BOTH deserve a better friend than you're being to each other.

I disagree. Very few friendships are perfect . You don't stay friends with someone for 7 years without liking their company and having lots of good times with them along the way. Lots of us have many flaws but we deserve to have friends too. Over time we change and so do our relationships. Some of our relationships become closer and some grow apart.

Ursus Horribilis

Heat_Wave wrote: »

I have spoken to my counsellor about my friendship with her before. I told her that this girl has nothing in common with me and that I'm only friends with her for the company. I can tell you one thing though, I am also her only friend and I know she considers me her best mate. We see one another about 2/3 times per week.

If you had other friends in your life, do you think you'd be clinging onto this friendship in the way you are? What has happened here is very straightforward - you've put all your eggs in the one basket. Now that you've found out that the eggs are rotten, you've got nowhere else to turn.

It looks like the two of you are damaged human beings in different ways and you both need each other for all sorts of different reasons. None of which appear to be an actual functioning friendship. I don't know your friend from Adam but there's a possibility she's an escort for all sorts of complicated reasons.

I don't know what to do. The thought of not having her company is very hard to think about. Everyone needs a friend.

What can you suggest I do?

You get out of the house and start meeting new people I'm afraid. There's no silver bullet, no magic pill you can take. You're going to have to do the legwork yourself. Maybe your therapist will help you with this.

You can't change what your friend is but you can help yourself. You might not like what your friend seems to be or what she does but you've got to accept that she is what she is.

Paddy Cow

Heat_Wave wrote: »

I feel as though I have been lied to for 7 whole years. It is not the fact that she is an escort that is bothering me, it's the fact that we consider one another best mates and for 7 years she has lied to me. I feel as though I never really knew her at all.

I am going through some issues of my own, depression, loneliness, bad dating experiences and I really feel overwhelmed now. I am so lonely at times and would love nothing more than a relationship with someone, that closeness, that bond. And discovering this revelation this evening has made me ten times more down. I feel resentful, angry, envious (in so far as my dating experiences have led me feeling very down, meanwhile she has men contacting her by the second), and quite hurt.

Op from an outsider looking in, it sounds like you are way too dependant on this girl emotionally. First off, she doesn't have men contacting her by the second looking to date and have a genuine relationship with her. They want to use her services and never see her again, so there is no reason why you should be envious of this.

Secondly, you seem as betrayed as if she was your partner. She does not have to tell you everything that is going on in her life just because you are friends. Some people share everything, others not so much. There is no easy way to say this but I don't think this friendship is healthy for you. You don't want to lose her company because you would be lonely rather than you would lose a good support system.

Given the nature of your friend's job, she will be used to being to keeping it low key and might even be angry/upset that you found out. In the long run you will be happier if you cut her out, increase your social circle and find a genuine best friend who is as interested in your life as you are theirs. A friend who has a "normal" job will be more likely to share everything with you. Friendships run their course and it sounds like this happened a long time ago but you have being holding on because it is familiar.

Ask yourself why you are really holding onto this friendship. What do you get out of it? If she's making you feel angry, jealous, upset etc then is it really worth it?

Neyite

OP, have you told your best friend that you are on Boards.ie and that your username is Heat_wave?

If not, then haven't you been lying by omission about an aspect of your life to her as well? Why are you allowed a secret persona but she isn't?

What she is doing might be morally dubious to some, but equally, it could be argued that you discussing her private business on an internet forum, if she found out about you doing that, is worse in some ways. It's a direct betrayal of something that she wants to keep private.

You clearly have strong feelings about her selling sexual services. Which is probably why she wouldn't tell you - she knew you would not be a supportive friend. You cant have it both ways - you are moaning on one hand that she keeps secrets from you, yet the secret that she did keep, you are disgusted and judgemental of. So she's damned if she does tell you, and damned if she doesn't.

I'd say tell her. Then both of you can move on to other friendships that work better for you both.

Penny Tration

bmm wrote: »

I disagree. Very few friendships are perfect . You don't stay friends with someone for 7 years without liking their company and having lots of good times with them along the way. Lots of us have many flaws but we deserve to have friends too. Over time we change and so do our relationships. Some of our relationships become closer and some grow apart.

I agree with all of that, but OP has clearly stated that the only reason they are still friends is because they want company as they're lonely. That is not a friendship. It may have been in the past, but it's not any more.