Are some people just not meant for relationships?

LegacyUser

Or I could say it the other way - are some people just destined to be single?

Why is it some people go from one relationship to another with little or no break- pretty much throughout their lives from late teens to say 30's when they eventually find the 1 and marry.

I have endless friends that seem to begin a new relationship with the first person they meet after a breakup, have a few successful years with them, whatever happens they break up and then they literally skip into another relationship!

Bit of background - I am female and 35 yrs young. Had an 1 year relationship when I was 18. An 2 year relationship when I was 22 and then was single for 8 years. I then had a 1 year relationship at 31 and that has been it. I would consider myself pretty attractive, good job own place and good fun yet cant seem to get past a snog on a night out.

I suppose my issue is - are some people just not meant to meet anyone special? Why is it some people are consistently in relationships (albeit with different people which is fine) over the course of their life yet some people just don't meet anyone or have huge (lonely) gaps between meeting someone? Ive been told i'll never settle, maybe I need to lower my standards (didn't know they were high!) but as I get older it is getting increasingly difficult to meet people. Im also not scared of being on my own in the future but if you were to ask me what id prefer? Id prefer to share my life with someone.

Guess I am not sure what advice im looking for here, any input or insight welcome...

LegacyUser

I think it all depends on the person. As time has went on I've come to realise I don't take any sh!t off guys and would have higher standards compared to my friends.
When I say higher standards, I don't mean looks or career wise but as in if they treat me anything less than I deserve they'll get the boot. Would you say you could be the same?

Sudance

It seems, according to something I read yesterday, that you are probably one of the majority rather than in the minority. Meeting and having relationships is declining and is particularly so in your age group. So dont feel you are alone or unusual, there are far more experiencing this and feeling the same as you are, and asking the same questions.

I doubt I could give you any worthy practical advice or answers, other than just try to enjoy your life as much as you can, get out and do as much as you can and seize every opportunity to enjoy whatever you can. And rather than looking to find happiness with/in someone else, see if you can find it within yourself first, and then if someone comes along that would be a super plus bonus. Also, do stuff for other people worse off than you, you'd be surprised how it might change your perspective on your situation.

I dont buy into this not destined to be with someone/not with someone, your life is a an expression of the decisions and choices you have made, but not the ultimate expression.

I think you will find that alot of those emotional butterflies you talk about will end up in marraiges/relationships that will ultimately end in divorce or seperation and heartbroken kids/bitter adults etc etc.

beks101

Destined? wrote: »

Why is it some people are consistently in relationships (albeit with different people which is fine) over the course of their life yet some people just don't meet anyone or have huge (lonely) gaps between meeting someone?

Personal development or self identity issues, force of habit or learned emotional patterns, fear of isolation, greater opportunity, personality type, family background etc...any number of reasons really.

I'd be more in your camp in terms of the long stints of singledom and in hindsight I'm glad it was that way as opposed to this type of serial monogamy you can often see all around you. I learned a lot about myself and had time to develop hobbies, jump on planes and move to new countries at the click of a finger, spend an unreasonable amount of time in the office progressing my career, date loads and have lots of fun and learn more about my preferences and needs from the opposite sex etc.

Not that you can't do these things within a relationship. But for me, it probably wouldn't have been possible. I would have stayed put for someone I loved, I wouldn't have invested the same amount of time and energy in all the above things. But of course, people are different.

You are too. Your relationship history sounds fairly normal to me. You're smart and attractive and successful so probably could have settled with a numerous amount of guys in between those relationships you had. You didn't for your own reasons. What did you do instead? Progress your career, travel, spend your spare time on hobbies or family or friends? I'm sure if you think about it on a deeper level you'll see that those long stints of singledom were well-served, they suited your life and your personality at the time and you accomplished a thing or two. Thinking about it that way might make you feel less 'deficient', as one is often conditioned to feel at a certain age range.

Destined? wrote: »

Im also not scared of being on my own in the future but if you were to ask me what id prefer? Id prefer to share my life with someone.

So it's a could-take-it-or-leave-it situation then, based on finding someone that fits into your life? I'd imagine that mentality is quite healthy and normal. It beats clinging onto the next man who passes your way because you can't bear to be alone, surely?

I guess in practical terms - you'd like to meet someone but your life doesn't depend on it. What can you change socially and lifestyle-wise and how can you invest your spare time differently in order to do this? Expanding on your hobbies perhaps, or meet up groups, or going to more work social events, being a bit bold and asking more people out for drinks?

I think a lot of this is about timing too. I dated loads in my 20s and pulled my hair out at the dead-end flings and short-lived 'relationships' that produced until I was emotionally-exhausted and bored of the whole thing so I stopped. Spent that extra time with work and college friends instead. Met my OH then and nothing about him or us dating was similar to what went before. Because I already kinda knew him and the pressure was off because dating is pants anyway so I'm not bothered...and suddenly I'm no longer single.

In short, don't sweat this stuff. My reading of you from your OP is that you're more comfortable single than with someone who doesn't really fit. You're not going to lower the bar because compatibility is more important to you than the status of being in a relationship. Would that be right?

Be a bit bold. Spend your spare time pleasing yourself, doing things you like and that make you feel good about yourself, make an effort to meet more people, re-connect with old friends, do a bit of online dating etc.

You'll be grand

Collie D

Think Beks said pretty much what I was thinking.

I'd be similar to OP. Have had couple of big gaps between relationships. Been with someone for six years and another for two and couple of shorter ones.

Bouncing between relationships just not for me. In the past I actually felt sorry for people who did that rather than worry I was "in the wrong" for being single for so long. Each person has their own needs and nothing wrong with either if they're happy.

Not sure if you're looking for advice (and I wouldn't say I'm qualified to give it anyway) but if you think there's something wrong with you then there's not. Sounds like you just want something more Tha being with someone for sake of it.

Idle Passerby

I'd kind of echo what the others have said. I think its healthy to take time for yourself in between relationships. Hopping from one to the next constantly suggests a fear of being alone and I would suspect encourages those people to be less self sufficient. I'd think more of someone whose happy to be by themselves than someone who feels incomplete if they aren't latched onto someone else all the time.

thegreatgonzo

Destined? wrote: »

Why is it some people go from one relationship to another with little or no break- pretty much throughout their lives from late teens to say 30's when they eventually find the 1 and marry.

I have endless friends that seem to begin a new relationship with the first person they meet after a breakup, have a few successful years with them, whatever happens they break up and then they literally skip into another relationship!

QUOTE]

I used to wonder at this also. I have two friends that I could use as an example but they are both completely different.
Friend 1 is a person I've known for almost 20 years and she just got engaged. She is a brilliant person, intelligent, great craic plenty of friends, very grounded etc. We'd be different in terms of what we'd like in a night out and I was always amazed at how she could meet someone in a place like coppers and begin a relationship with them. She would have a higher tolerance for random chat up lines than I would. I'm not saying that she was settling, rather that she gave guys more of a chance to win her over whereas I would have decided it wasn't worth it and would have not given out my number.

Friend 2 though is completely different and honestly I worry about her all the time. She cannot be alone. I've known her 5 years and she has gone through 4 painful breakups in that time and there have been countless flings between all that. I would rather be single forever than go through the emotional gymnastics she goes through every few months and as a friend it's hard to be patient when she starts on about the latest guy she's met wherever.

I think for me if I'd really wanted to be with someone I would have adopted friend 1's approach but I always waited until I felt a connection with a guy. Being late 30's now with a crap social life obviously makes that harder but I don't think it's some predestined thing, it's just circumstance and outlook.

OnTheCouch

It certainly gets harder as you get older to meet people, that is undeniable, at least in your own age group.

As to why some people flit from relationship to relationship, I would imagine that there are significant advantages on tap in said unions that are difficult to go without if you get used to them, ranging from emotional support, financial aid, sexual fulfilment, a more 'respected' position in society (especially after a certain age), plus someone to talk/vent to about your own personal stuff, which won't interest anyone really beyond your closest friends at the very most.

There are also big issues of loneliness as well, some people simply aren't very independent whereas others are. Or others have had to become mentally strong as they have been single for a long time. For many reasons, being single for a long time in adulthood does develop mental strength, as all the aforementioned possibilities are not available. This may be through choice, lack of options, or a combination of the two. If people are fairly picky, then yes you may go a long time without finding someone right for you.

I suppose it all depends on what mentality you have when getting into a relationship. You can treat every boyfriend/girlfriend you have as 'the one,' obviously not perfect, but they really make you genuinely happy. Or you can think that you have fun with them, you find them attractive etc, but if you were to be put on the spot you wouldn't think they're going to be a life partner. Obviously if you fall into the latter category you'll probably go through more relationships than the former.

Everyone is different that's the problem. Some are happy to entertain any possibilities as a partner and others are looking for very specific criteria. Some are very sociable, so they play the percentages more and have more chance of finding those they like than someone who stays home every evening. And obviously those of either sex who are very handsome will usually (although not always it should be said) have more offers. Those that like their own company and can entertain themselves obviously have less of a need for relationships than others.

I would have a similar romantic history to you OP as well as being of a similar age. I don't really get lonely, but perhaps a bit like yourself I'm worried about going on too much longer constantly not having someone special in my life. I wouldn't want to be by myself in middle age for instance. And yeah I'm probably too picky. If I do go on dates they nearly always don't work out, even for casual flings, which is a pity, as I think many eternal single people go through many short term relationships as a distraction, but I don't really feel comfortable doing this unfortunately. I really do need to have the spark and connection to move to the next level, unless really drunk, which has perennially been a problem for me.

I don't think anyone is destined to be single per se, but a lot of the options you have are down to your own life choices I believe. Plus your mentality and what you are prepared to put up with/settle for makes a crucial difference.

LegacyUser

OP here,

Thanks everyone for their input, some great reading there and a few home truths also. Beks101 you really hit the nail on the head with a lot of stuff!

thegreatgonzo god we must have the same friends!! I would be in the same frame of mind as you with friend 1 but at least some sort of spark first please!

I guess what drew me to write my org post was that I think it is others that have a problem or query me being single which sometimes makes me feel like I am indeed - the problem. Those comments nearly always seem to come from those who are in, say a 10 yr LTR, or married. Are half of them happy? Not by a long shot.

I don't think I will settle for any Joe Soap, nor do I have a specific criteria of what I want. I guess I do know what I don't want though. That's ok though?! One thing also know is that I tend not to give any chance to guys that I don't have an immediate connection with and I feel I need to knock that on the head, fireworks wont happen immediately and Mr Amazing is not going to come knocking on my door either. Despite me thinking im not bad looking, decent girl or a pretty good catch I don't get millions of offers either. It works both ways.

I know I dwell on the label 'single' far too much and I need to stop that. I feel others define me because of my relationship status also. And don't get me started on 'single table' at weddings, 'single' girls nights out etc etc....

Thanks everyone for the replies, good to know im not alone!

Peist2007

There is no such thing as "the one" people. Relationships/marriage is so skewed in favour of women these days that they are a complete waste of time.

You want to stop doing all the things you like doing? - get into a relationship. Sorted

santana75

destined? wrote: »

I don't think I will settle for any Joe Soap, nor do I have a specific criteria of what I want. I guess I do know what I don't want though. That's ok though?! One thing also know is that I tend not to give any chance to guys that I don't have an immediate connection with and I feel I need to knock that on the head, fireworks wont happen immediately and Mr Amazing is not going to come knocking on my door either. Despite me thinking im not bad looking, decent girl or a pretty good catch I don't get millions of offers either. It works both ways.

!

You are 100% right, do not settle. But I think you're wrong on saying you should stop dismissing guys you don't feel a connection to quickly. That's your intuition guiding you, don't start overriding that with your head. Your head doesn't know better. Don't let anyone tell you yiu should settle or be less picky or date people you don't feel that gut level attraction for. Stick to your guns and let go of the future. You'll just worry yourself if you keep imagining you'll end up alone, just focus on now.
What I've noticed is that the people who go fairly quickly from relationship to relationship have a good connection to themselves. Childhood neglect and trauma have a massive impact on how connected we are to ourselves as adults. The less you know yourself and love yourself the less likely you'll be able to form a connection with another person.

via4

Some people cannot be on their own so they would literally get into a relationship with anyone. Then some people would prefer to wait until they meet someone they are mad about.