Shock to the system

LegacyUser

Regular user going anon for this.

I started dating a guy who I met online a month ago. I'm 25, he's 33.

When I initially met him, I felt he wasn't really my type but due to the fact that I have been exceptionally picky in the past, I decided to give him a chance and we went on a further few dates.

Who knew attraction could grow? I was so glad that I gave it a shot, as he turned out to be incredible. He was a proper gentleman, holding doors, kisses on the forehead, making sure I was OK at all times. He told me everyday how 'gorgeous' and 'stunning' I was. This really put a smile on my face, as it would any girl.

In the space of of a month, we met up on average 3 times a week. We fooled around one night but didn't have sex as we both wanted it to be special. We were definitely on the same wave length that this was going somewhere. I have dated many guys online and he was the one keeper I thought.

I introduced him to my friends, and I met his room-mates when I came over one night.

Anyway, I received a text from him this evening, completely out of the blue, to say that his ex wants to get back with him. He said he was 'head over heels' for this girl and that he was gutted when she ended things with him. He told me I was a lovely girl and that he needed space for now as he has arranged to meet up with his ex this weekend to talk things through. I merely replied wishing him luck and telling him that is was no problem.

Truth is, I'm gutted.

I'm not sure what I am expecting here but I've shed a few tears (perhaps more than a few!) tonight and I could do with some cheering up.

I guess one thing I cannot get my head around is the fact that if I was as 'amazing' and 'gorgeous' as he said, then how could be drop it all just like that for a girl who previously dumped him?

Thanks.

alias06

He went on a few dates with you. He was head over heals for his ex and now she wants him back. So he is going back to his ex. Maybe he did think you very attractive and was happy to say things like 'you're gorgeous' and 'amazing'. Or maybe he is just a charmer. Either way it seems his ex has him wrapped around her finger and can ask for him back anytime she wants. Sorry OP, I know its really disappointing, but I think you will have to let it go.

Alf Veedersane

Kinda sounds similar to something I went through once upon a time. Except she had told me she loved me so was further down the road.

But then I was told the ex was the one she wanted and while they wouldn't be together long term, the fact that she felt more for him spoke volumes.

Heartbroken.

Looking back, she did mean all those things she said to me. But I wasn't the right person for her. Nor she for me.

Did my crying, wallowed for a bit and then went about enjoying everything else in life again.

All I can say is you'll meet someone who will say those things and mean them in the sense that there isn't another woman he'd be able to say them to

LegacyUser

He hasn't dumped you per se, he has asked for space. His head is clearly all over the place& he deserves credit for being upfront& honest with you about the situation. I felt your reply to him was polite but not particularly bothered. You should text him maybe once more saying you wanted to thank him for a great few weeks getting to know each other, you saw it having great potential, & it's a shame if it's not meant to be. That then shows him your feelings& leaves the door ajar if he sees past the ex' story.

Exclamation Marc

Sorry to hear about that.

The one thing that may help you feel better is that, given the stranglehold that this guy's ex has over him, at least you got away after a month before you really became invested in him.

He probably meant it when he said you are gorgeous and amazing, but some people gravitate to their exes due to familiarity and history over what's really good for them, so as cliché as it sounds, it was probably him and not you. No matter how good you are, people will always make stupid decisions to go back to exes over the smarter choice!

And look, you opened yourself up despite initially being doubtful so maybe you'll find meet more really nice guys now that you're giving it a little more time to blossom and something better will come out of it

OnTheCouch

Yeah I don't think this man has done anything wrong as such. Well, maybe you could argue he should be a little more 'loyal' to you, but you are still very much in the early stages of the relationship, so I don't think it's fair to say he should be 'official' with you yet. But from what you tell us he has been honest and upfront with you, which is something many wouldn't do.

I'm sure he does find you amazing and gorgeous. However, as harsh as it may seem, one man can find more than one woman amazing and gorgeous at the same time. As others have said, he may just know what to say the girls to get them hooked, or he may be a player type.

And unfortunately for you, when someone has a huge amount of shared experience with someone else, either from dating or hanging out a lot together, this will nearly always trump someone they have just recently met. The shared history really does have a huge influence on someone.

This does not necessarily mean she is a better person than you or a better fit for him than you are. Simply that without wanting to sound cheesy, she has a special place in his heart and if you don't really know each other that well, it's very hard to compete with that. I think you'll just have to take the chance and hope that their meeting goes wrong for whatever reason and that he'll realise he is onto a better thing with you.

pookie82

I sympathise OP, what a horrible situation! You're just in the early stages of falling for someone and enjoying something new and they drop this bombshell that they're still not done with their past.

Fair play to him for being so upfront (I've known men to literally just resort to radio silence in situations like this rather than be truthful about what's happened).

I don't know if I'd be agreeable to "giving him space" and letting him sort his head out with a view to still being there when he decides what he wants. The knowledge that she has that much of a hold over him that he'd even consider dropping you at first mention of a reconciliation would spell disaster down the line for you guys. What if he chooses you, but she does it again in a few months, and he does this again? Will you ever be able to settle with him and trust you're the one he wants with her shadow in the background? I wouldn't like to start something off knowing I was kind of second best all along, or came close to it, or had to compete with his past.

So as fair as he's being, I think from now on, you need to protect yourself. I assume he's going to get back with her, and even if he doesn't, what will he say? "Hey I met her and as it turns out there were still a few issues so I've just decided to go with you"? That's not really good enough. I would chalk it down to a bad experience and move on. If he does get in touch again, regardless of what he has to say, I probably would let him know in a polite but direct way that you're disappointed and hurt. A casual "ok, grand" will make him think you were never that into him anyway and he did the right thing.

Alf Veedersane

pookie82 wrote: »

I sympathise OP, what a horrible situation! You're just in the early stages of falling for someone and enjoying something new and they drop this bombshell that they're still not done with their past.

Fair play to him for being so upfront (I've known men to literally just resort to radio silence in situations like this rather than be truthful about what's happened).

I don't know if I'd be agreeable to "giving him space" and letting him sort his head out with a view to still being there when he decides what he wants. The knowledge that she has that much of a hold over him that he'd even consider dropping you at first mention of a reconciliation would spell disaster down the line for you guys. What if he chooses you, but she does it again in a few months, and he does this again? Will you ever be able to settle with him and trust you're the one he wants with her shadow in the background? I wouldn't like to start something off knowing I was kind of second best all along, or came close to it, or had to compete with his past.

So as fair as he's being, I think from now on, you need to protect yourself. I assume he's going to get back with her, and even if he doesn't, what will he say? "Hey I met her and as it turns out there were still a few issues so I've just decided to go with you"? That's not really good enough. I would chalk it down to a bad experience and move on. If he does get in touch again, regardless of what he has to say, I probably would let him know in a polite but direct way that you're disappointed and hurt. A casual "ok, grand" will make him think you were never that into him anyway and he did the right thing.

In the fullness of time, it will be seen as a good experience for all of the positives for the OP that I see as an outside observer.

Right now, it sucks donkey balls but the positives are a good guy was into the OP and thought highly of her. Yeah, it hasn't worked out but that doesn't invalidate it.

batmanrobin

Hi OP, just wanted to let you know you're not alone. I'm going through the same thing at the moment. Scarily similar to yours, actually! Yesterday he told me (after questioning) that he was going to give it a shot with his ex. Like your situation, she had ended things and he hadn't been able to move past the breakup.

I am very upset and angry. Unlike you, I wasn't as polite in my response!

At the end of the day, though, I don't want to play second fiddle to some other woman and I really don't want to be anywhere near a man who would run back to his ex and a relationship he himself has confessed to not being healthy rather than try with someone new.

As said by Pookie82, how will you feel if he turns around after their little chat and says he actually doesn't want to get back with her? Would you be willing to give him another chance? Will you always be wondering whether she could just snap her fingers again and he'd go running?

Personally, I'd feel like the consolation prize.

I hope you move on from it quickly and that you find someone who wouldn't dare let you slip through his fingers!

zoobizoo

Is there a possibility that there's no ex and he decided to use that as an excuse to break up with you?

LegacyUser

zoobizoo wrote: »

Is there a possibility that there's no ex and he decided to use that as an excuse to break up with you?

It's hard to know OP. 1) It could be that he's trying to let you down gently, the ex thing being a v old excuse (which is what I think. And why I highlighted the quote above). 2) Or he's a player, being excessively charming but the whole 'special' thing wasn't entirely true. 3) He does like you a lot, but the shared history with his ex is something he can't give up on.

Tbh, no matter which of the above it is, I think you should give up on him. Even if he says tomorrow 'lets get back on track & give it a proper chance' - would you trust or believe his feelings? If always feel 2nd best

LegacyUser

I've used that ex thing as an excuse before although that was before it got to dating and meeting friends.

At the start of some relationships, guys will do their best to appear at their best.... and part of that can be (although I wouldn''t do it myself) complimenting etc because they want to start everything on a positive footing.

So he may well have been thinking that you were amazing and wonderful and then after a few weeks, he was thinking "she's not what I was expecting" and that could be something like "we have different views on X".... "I was looking for someone who i had more in common with".... "our senses of humour aren't in synch"........ or he might have just been high on the feeling of seeing someone who was really nice and amazing.

He may have been holding off sleeping with you because he didn't want to be one of those guys who sleeps with someone and then dumps them.

pookie82

zoobizoo wrote: »

Is there a possibility that there's no ex and he decided to use that as an excuse to break up with you?

That's neither here nor there, really. Which would be worse?

Either way, it's over. Unless the OP is willing to potentially play second fiddle to another girl and compete with her to win him over.

LegacyUser

OP: noble and all as this guy sounds, essentially, now he has let you know that you are only an option to him. I know it hurts, bigtime.... but chalk it down to experience, and wait for that one who will make you his priority. Sometimes, things just aren't meant to be....
Best of luck.

dudara

OP - If you really liked him, I see no harm in being a little more honest with him. Sometimes you have to fight a little for what you might like and make your feelings clear. At least he will have known all the facts before he makes his final decision.

I'd suggest sending a text saying that you really enjoyed getting to know him and that you wish things could have worked out. But that you respect his decision, whatever it may be.

It's entirely your call. You know him better than I do, and if you think the above wouldn't help, then ignore me

Alf Veedersane

Tbf, the OP never mentioned returning to any sort of relationship with him.

Witchie

Sorry to hear that you have been hurt OP. I second or third the advice to send him one more text saying that you were disappointed as you thought there was potential but wishing him the best of luck.

My reason is that he may meet the ex and realise that actually she is nothing compared to you or an old issue that they had may rear its head again and he might realise that going back to her is a mistake. If he thinks that you don't care he may feel that that ship has sailed and might not get in touch.

Then again maybe I am an old romantic fool that always wants things to work out.

Either way, be good to yourself and do what feels right for you. x