Criticism and Contempt Future of Relationship

LegacyUser

Hi there,

As the title stated am worried about my relationship with partner and would like some unbiased views please. Don't want to discuss with friends or family as I don't want to cloud their opinion as I do love my partner and want us to work out. Basically we met, moved in together and had a child in a very short time space. We are no spring chickens and child was planned. For the most part things are pretty good between us and he is great with the kid but the same issues keep cropping up again and again and I am worried that these issues, and how I deal with them, will destroy us.

Partner smokes hash every day and I did think he may stop when I became pregnant or when baby came, which he didn't. I don't have a problem with the hash per se and he is not falling around stoned, but he becomes disengaged and lethargic. He tends to prefer his own company watching tv than talking to me and it can feel a bit lonely at times. I know I can't change this it has to come from him. I think he is very anxious if he doesn't smoke as he doesn't cope well with stress. This isn't the main concern though.

While I would consider my partner highly sensitive to any slight or perceived criticism he can be highly critical and judgemental of me. It's not so much the words as they way they are said with a contemptuous/angry tone that concerns me the most. When I mention it he says that it is "just banter" and he doesn't mean anything by it. Some examples would be when I was pregnant he would say things like "munching again are you" if I was eating. Another time I took my shoes he just said "nice corns" Last week I did something which he didn't agree with and he just said "weirdo" or "watch out honey your mask is slipping there" While in hospital after having baby he took a photo and then told ne I looked like Kathy Bates in Misery. When I got upset he said "oh are you afraid people will find out your true personality honey" (He came into hospital at about 3pm the day after baby was born as he was hungover and tired and in a mood) Again some of these probably sound minor but its the tone in which they are said that packs the punch. It feels like he really dislikes me.

If we argue he can be very critical and adopts a sarcastic and highly defensive tone. Last week he called me when leaving work and said I will be home in an hour. I was home all day with screaming child and was counting minutes until he got back. He came home one hour and a half later after stopping off in the pub. No call no text. I was annoyed when he got back and he turned the situation around on me. He doesn't feel he needs to tell me he's going to the pub for a short time. I think it's just manners. This happened a couple of times when I was pregnant and he tried to convince me he told me he was going to the pub and I was confused! Again argument ensued and he called me names- "controller" and "martyr" etc and said hurtful things. When I say this is a pattern he will say I am always bringing up the past and should move on. Like I said its the fact that these behaviours keep occurring is what concerns me. Always the next
day he will apologise, be remorseful and behave extra nicely. I am supposed to forgive and move on.

Recently a friend came to visit from the country. It was arranged that my partner would go for a drink and would come back around 7ish to meet my friend giving us time to catch up. He came back after 8 and I just got the sense he was probably getting into a session and wasn't happy being home. I felt he was rude to my friend -kept turning around mid conversation to put on CDs. Didn't ask if we wanted to hear anything put on what he wanted to listen to. When my friend left I remarked that he seemed in a bad mood and he called said friend "malignant" and a "man hater" This is after a pretty banal conversation of about 10 mins. my night which was lovely up to then was ruined so I went to bed. He apologised the next day but said he got bad vibes from friend. Again was he making extra effort to be helpful around house etc. but I am just so tired of it all. I tend not to name call in arguments or lose my temper but I tend to be quiet and withdrawn the next day which leads to an atmosphere in in the house of neither of us talking. This isn't great but am tired of just forgiving and moving on as if nothing happened. If roles were reversed I know this behaviour wouldn't be tolerated from me.

So I have tried talking about it (he thinks I am over emotional and over react ) and it doesn't work, the silent treatment is childish and not helpful. I don't want to keep forgiving as the message I am giving the is that this criticism and disrespect is acceptable behaviour. I know this is just my side of the story and I am far from perfect. What do others think of this behaviour? Does it sound like I am over reacting? Is there another way I can deal with it? Does my partner sound disrespectful? I don't know anymore. For the most part my partner is a kind, loving, funny generous person and we certainly don't argue all the time by any means. I was looking up some stuff however and they say the criticism and contempt are the biggest predictors of relationship failure.

Any thoughts please?

Penny Tration

Your partner sounds like a nasty, vicious bully.

His insults are not 'banter.' They're mean, petty and childish. The silent treatment? What, is he six years old? That's not how grown ups solve issues.

He deliberately ruined your night with your friend because he was throwing a tantrum.

You mention him going to the pub a lot. Ordinarily, I'd say you're over-reacting to expect a call if he's half an hour later than he said he'd be. However, he seems to spend an awful lot of his time and money on drink and weed. When you have a small child, that's not normal behaviour.

Your child should not have to grow up learning that daddies are mean to mammies. That's an awful lesson for you to teach your child.

You're completely right when you say you can't keep forgiving it. He's in a pattern now of being abusive then being nice the next day. That cannot continue. Your child will grow up to think that's normal and it's so far from normal!

If I were in your position, I'd be sitting him down and giving an ultimatum - quit the drink and the weed, and go to a gp for a referral to someone who can teach him coping mechanisms and how to control his nasty temper, or leave.

You have to be willing to stick to that though. Words are meaningless if you don't back them up with actions.

strandroad

Just to confirm that he sounds extremely hostile and spiteful. He must really resent you or your life together to be able to say what he keeps saying. You're not seeing things...

athtrasna

I read that post and all I could see was abuse. OP you deserve better than this. Abuse is not just physical, the way he is treating you is killing you little by little. It's time to get out now, you owe it to your child and to yourself. Be strong.

MouseTail

I think you are minimising his behaviour. This is not normal. I think you would be far better off single than dealing with this nasty pot head. Sorry it ended up like this OP, but its time for some decisions.

deisemum

You're in an abusive relationship yet you seem to be minimising it. He doesn't love you, seems like he resents you and the baby. You say you love him but you need to start loving yourself first and get out of that toxic relationship.

Are you happy for your child to grow up and learn from you that it's ok to take abuse and then start abusing you and others as your child will see that as normal?

inocybe

He sounds very like my ex, he was a critic. It took a long time after we split for me to realize that he had been steadily damaging my self esteem. When I brought it up he would tell me that I was oversensitive (another criticism). He would criticize my behaviour on nights out, the next morning. He analyzed the conversations I had with his friends, he criticized my choice of friends. When we had a child together it got much worse. And I hope this doesn't happen to you, but now that our child is a teenager the critic has turned on him. That's worse than anything else.

Riverireland

Sorry to hear of your problems. It is possible that a lot of his problems can be brought back to his hash smoking on a daily basis. You said ye are no spring chickens so it is possible that you consider what is probably weed to be the same as what was around 15 years ago. It is not, it is a highly toxic manufactured almost to order product that sells for up to€100 per small bag. Get in touch with a drugs advisory organisation to get yourself educated on this.

If this turns out not to be the problem then he is behaving in a very disrespectful manner. I hate to see family's break up but it is something you need to give some thought to. When you get more replies would you consider showing them to him, when he is sober of course. Take care of you and the little one first and foremost and don't hide it from your family for too long. If he thinks they know he might just cop on to himself and you do need to ensure you have a good support system in place.

daisybelle2008

advice2345 wrote: »

(He came into hospital at about 3pm the day after baby was born as he was hungover and tired and in a mood) It feels like he really dislikes me.

he called said friend "malignant" and a "man hater"

Does it sound like I am over reacting?

I was looking up some stuff however and they say the criticism and contempt are the biggest predictors of relationship failure.

Any thoughts please?

You are most certainly not overreacting.
You are in are already in a dysfunctional failing relationship. I can't believe the way he speaks to you it is absolutely disgusting. I'm assuming he was with you the day of the birth? Undermining your friends like that is a nasty trait, after you having a nice time. He seems to really resent you. Please tell him you will not tolerate it anymore and get a back up plan in place. It is not a loving relationship.

Whitewinged

He criticised your eating habits when you were pregnant but he has an addiction to drugs.

He talks about your apparent "mask" slipping, describes you as a "controller" and said your friend was "malignant".

It sounds like he is describing himself right?

Also the use of the words "mask" and "malignant" sound like something from a description of a personality disorder. Do you know if he has had any mental issues diagnosed in his past?

either way, I think you should seriously consider ending this relationship.

josephryan1989

OP your partner is a nauseating self-centered self pitying selfish arrogant waste of space.
He either acts responsibly and puts you and your child's needs ahead of his own or you should walk out and leave him to his devices.
Show him exactly what you wrote and show him the comments on this thread.
Show him what he has driven you to.
I would recommend you tell your relatives and you stage a crisis intervention where he is confronted about his behavior.

mapaca

You are not over reacting or being too sensitive. He sounds like a horrible, nasty person. This is not a loving relationship. Please go to someone in real life for some support, a friend or family member. Have a look at the Women's Aid website.
You don't have to put up with this treatment just because you have a child together. Best of luck.

dixiefly

I agree with the other posters but have one other question why oh why oh why did you choose to have a child with him?

You really made a bad call there. You made a totally irrational conclusion to think that this would change him.Very naive on your part.

But whats done is done and you now need to get rid of him out of your life.

LegacyUser

I have to agree with other posters here. He sounds like a manipulative bully and you do not need to put up with that.

As you've already tried to explain how you feel to him and he's not responding, I think the only logical thing to to is end it for your sake and especially your baby. It sounds like a volatile and scary place for your baby to grow up in.

You can not change him or his actions but you can control yours.

Chocolate fiend

You say you love him, but, you think he dislikes you?! Do you even like him? He does not sound like someone that could be liked to be honest. Get out, and I would never say that lightly, but, please get away from this toxic relationship.

Ursus Horribilis

I see what he was doing when your friend came to visit too. He was isolating you. She won't be coming to visit again, will she? I bet you're thinking twice about inviting other friends as well. What happened here is that you bit off more than you could chew. Things moved so quickly with this man that by the time you started seeing his unsavoury side you'd already has his child. Were you blinded by your age and the feeling that if you were to have a family you had to get moving fast?

I'm afraid I can't see any future in this either. He sounds like a nasty wastrel who's not the sort of person anyone would want as a partner. It wouldn't surprise me if his past relationships ended because of the way he treated his partners.

CaraMay

You are raising a child in a house where drugs are being taken every day!!! It's illegal to smoke in a car with children so why do you think it's ok to raise your child in a house stinking of marijuana? He won't change so him need to act and remove your child from this nasty situation

Neyite

We all have dreams of the values we want to teach our children - we maybe want them to be happy, be kind, teach them to share, teach them to treat future partners with respect.

By remaining in that relationship you are teaching your child that verbal abuse from a partner is normal. Being cruel is normal. Being disrespectful and insulting is normal. Being nasty is normal. Disappearing acts and substance abuse is normal.

Is that how you want your child to turn out? Do you want your child, if he is a boy, to treat women like this? If your child is a girl, do you want to teach her that this is how she deserves to be treated by a partner?

It is emotional abuse.

Psychological abuse can look like:

1. Humiliating or embarrassing you.
2. Constant put-downs.
3. Hypercriticism.
4. Refusing to communicate.
5. Ignoring or excluding you.
6. Extramarital affairs.
7. Provocative behaviour with opposite sex.
8. Use of sarcasm and unpleasant tone of voice.
9. Unreasonable jealousy.
10. Extreme moodiness.
11. Mean jokes or constantly making fun of you.
12. Saying “I love you but…”
13. Saying things like “If you don’t _____, I will_____.”
14. Domination and control.
15. Withdrawal of affection.
16. Guilt trips.
17. Making everything your fault.
18. Isolating you from friends and family.
19. Using money to control.
20. Constant calling or texting when you are not with him/her.
21. Threatening to commit suicide if you leave.

Talk to Women's Aid. Read this book. Give your baby a life where you teach them kindness, respect, and healthy relationship patterns. Give yourself a life where you have those in it for you.