Messaged another man on a hook up site

Petardu

Hi everyone, before I explain what's happened I'll give a quick bit of background information first. I've been with my boyfriend for almost a year now, we've been getting on great and normally communicate well with each other. Over the last few weeks things got a bit rockier between us for different reasons, I'd prefer not to into detail but it was a combination of being stuck in a routine and not really doing anything as a couple mixed with a time he upset me quite significantly.

My boyfriend picked up on this and we had a lengthy discussion about it the other day and ended up speaking about a lot of things, namely what had brought us to this point in the first place. While I was angry with him however I did something that I now feel incredibly stupid and guilty over.

I can't justify it so I won't bother trying to, but I basically contacted another guy via a hook up site. We never actually met and I have zero intentions of actually meeting this guy now, we exchanged about 5 messages (I haven't replied since) about what we were looking for and that was it. Over the last few days I just feel so bloody guilty and stupid over doing this. I was angry with my boyfriend and I let that anger cloud my judgement to the point where I thought about cheating. I'm not angry with him any more and I realise how lucky I am to have him in my life and how much I love him. I don't want to tell him about this though because I know it will just hurt him if he found out about it and that's honestly that last thing I want, I just wish I thought of that earlier before I contacted that guy.

I'm not really sure what advice I'm looking for really but I felt like I had to write this out at the least, it might not be a bad idea to get other peoples perspectives on the situation too. I know a lot of people will probably say that I should tell him but I honestly don't think that's the best course of action to take. It was an idiotic mistake on my part and I don't want to try lighten my own guilt and only end up hurting him in the process.

Exclamation Marc

It's a pretty awful thing that you did, but you know that yourself so there's no point beating that point home.

If you're never going to do it again, pack it away, mark it as a lesson learned, and say nothing. You stopped yourself before you did anything.

If you feel you're in any way vulnerable, or you have any thoughts of doing it again, you should tell your boyfriend, he doesn't deserve that crap. You're only one year into a relationship, if the thoughts of cheating are already entering into your head, is it the right relationship for you?

Is there any chance he'll find out about it? Purely from the basis that if he does find out the excuse of 'oh I was just chatting, I was never going to go through with it" is probably something he won't accept (as despite it being what you say you feel, it would come across as a lie/convenience).

Jasper_

Don't tell him. Nothing good can come from it.

It was a mistake that you made in the heat of an argument, you are only human. You came to your senses quickly and stopped it. Forgive yourself and put it behind you.

Car99

Forget it, move on , nothing to say there.

BreadnBuddha

You made a poor decision that lead to nothing.

Put the guilt to one side and look at your relationship critically.

The hookup website thing is symptomatic, so make sure you're taking effective steps to treat the underlying ailment in your relationship.

pew

Forget it and move on.

The only other thing I can say is taking it as a learning experience.

Communicate more with him about how you feel. Don't go running to a hook up site.

It is so important to communicate with him about what you are feeling.

Don't beat yourself up about it. It's clear you feel guilty. I wouldn't tell him.

Hope all goes well for you op.

If you found out your boyfriend was exchanging messages on a dating site, how would you react?
It's time to decide if you can truely commit to this relationship or if at the next bump in the road, you will be back on the hook up site again.

Petardu

Thanks for the responses everyone, I appreciate them. I think the reason this happened in the first place is because our lines of communication have deteriorated over the last few months. We used to put a lot more effort into maintaining the relationship and checking in with each other, but he started a full time job in June and works long enough hours Monday-Friday and I work weekends a lot so it often means we don't get to do much together other than eat dinner, maybe watch a bit of netflix and then sleep. I found the routine very tedious and when he upset me a few weeks ago it all spilled over. I'm not trying to make excuses for myself but I guess what I'm trying to get across is that I'm not totally oblivious about the underlying reasons for doing it to begin with.

If anything it's opened my eyes about how we need to communicate more and it's also reminded me how much I care about him and how I'd hate to lose him, it's just a shame it took this to remind me of that. I think it's the fact that I'm withholding something from him when we're generally quite open with each other kind of makes it a bit worse as well.

Also, I don't think there's any way he'd find out unless I told him myself. I'm sure if our situations were reversed I'd feel quite upset and angry if I found out. All the more reason not to do something like this again.

TheChizler

As long as you didn't intend for anything to come of it I wouldn't be holding it too much against you.

zeffabelli

Hi OP,

In the past I've done a few stupid things, worse than what you've done, which seems pretty harmless, because for whatever reason I was unable to tolerate the uncertainty/the discomfort/ whatever way you want to put it so the adolescent in me rebelled against the relationship I was in. Either I wanted attention or affirmation or was just acting out.

I think if you think of this as a warning shot to yourself... Because you will hit rocky patches again...to find ways of riding it out without sabotaging something that is good for you and you like.

If your argument deteriorated or lengthened over time, would you have gone further on that website? This is something to think about for next time.

EmptyTree

The question I would have is what if you'd had this row in a bar/nightclub? Would you have gone looking for someone there and then? Add a few drinks to the mix and something more immediately accessible and something really bad for the relationship could have happened? Might be worth thinking about.