Wife angry about receiving gifts

portcrap

Hi

was looking for opinions on this as I cant work out if Im being unreasonable or the wife is off her rocker

The wife is 5 months pregnant and my mother and sister bought some small baby grows. She went ballistic saying she didn't want anything at this stage and it wasn't the done thing in Ireland. She didn't look at the wee clothes and made mum take them back asking not to see them till after the birth! :rolleyes:

As you can probably tell I thought this is a complete overreaction over something so small. I'm I the one off my rocker?? Has this happened to anyone else? Love any insights or thoughts on this.

(BTW first pregnancy and my folks are over the moon )

bee06

Some people can be superstitious about buying/getting anything for the baby until he or she is born safely in case something happens. I'd let your wife have this one even if you think she's being unreasonable.

angeldelight

Some people can be very superstitious about having things in the house for the baby before they're born. I'd say that coupled with the general worry of being pregnant and pregnancy hormones may have made your wife react a little more extremely than she normally would!

LegacyUser

It sounds like your wife is terrified the baby may not make it to full term. I was told by my mam that you never buy presents before the birth due to this and it is something I have continued as would most people I know.

Chemical Byrne

I think your wife was way out of line. The sheer lack of manners is astounding. I could understand if your mum and sister were very offended by her behaviour. If me and gf were ever to have a baby and she acted like that I would be pissed off.

eviltwin

Chemical Byrne wrote: »

I think your wife was way out of line. The sheer lack of manners is astounding. I could understand if your mum and sister were very offended by her behaviour. If me and gf were ever to have a baby and she acted like that I would be pissed off.

I have to agree. I can understand some people being superstitious but it was a kind and thoughtful gesture and didn't deserve someone going ballistic. She owes them an apology.

Milly33

Were ye like trying for ages to have a baby or were there complications or something, that would be the only excuse I would give your wife.. Like all said people are superstitious like bringing the buggy into the home before the bady is born. If this was like an extra special pregnancy you might need to say like listen I get why it happened but there was no bad intention there.

If not then yep she is being batty and completely over-reacting..She should have just accepted the gifts and not looked at them and said that ye would not until the baby is born or something there was no need for rudeness

Chemical Byrne

Chemical Byrne wrote: »

I think your wife was way out of line. The sheer lack of manners is astounding. I could understand if your mum and sister were very offended by her behaviour. If me and gf were ever to have a baby and she acted like that I would be pissed off.

I disagree with you. People can be very superstitious about having baby stuff in the house before the birth of a first baby. It's not so bad for subsequent babies, as they already have stuff from the first.

Chemical Byrne

Regardless of any circumstances she is being batty. A gift should be gratefully received and with the way she basically unceremoniously rebuffed the generosity of MIL & SIL is unacceptable. I would understand if they decided not to give her the gifts when the time comes on account of the rudeness.

I would be very ashamed of her and ask that she apologise to MIL & SIL.

And it's 2015, I don't buy this superstition claptrap.

eviltwin

Deleted User wrote: »

I disagree with you. People can be very superstitious about having baby stuff in the house before the birth of a first baby. It's not so bad for subsequent babies, as they already have stuff from the first.

All fine and understandable but she could have explained that and declined the gift graciously. If I bought a gift and got bawled out of it I'd be really upset.

EnergyBlaster

She's pregnant. Give her a bit of space.

Chemical Byrne

eviltwin wrote: »

All fine and understandable but she could have explained that and declined the gift graciously. If I bought a gift and got bawled out of it I'd be really upset.

Exactly. She could have graciously declined rather that flinging back in their faces. It sounds like the height of ignorance on her part.

Being pregnant is not an excuse for blunt rudeness. I'd be telling her to wind her neck in and cop herself on.

DavyD_83

I don't get it myself, bit seems to be standard enough superstition. I think even more so among country folk. My in laws nearly had heart attack when we suggested getting coy and buggy before baby was actually born. Apparently I should have gone n collected all of that she baby was born, hut obviously before mum and baby left hospital. When we said we were just gonna get stuff cos it was easier, the compromise suggestion was that we could get all delivered to their house and collect after birth. In the end I just bought and kept them at home as I had planned; pretty sure they thought i was taking unnecessary risks.
I dunno OP, maybe we're both the mad ones.

Call me Al

While she may be pregnant, that doesn't give her the right to be rude to others who may buy things in advance of the baby's birth.
A simple "thanks it's lovely, but I'm superstitious about not having baby stuff in the house until after they have arrived, so would you hang on to it for me until then please" would suffice and get the message across.

BreadnBuddha

Superstitions me arse.

Your wife knows at least one and probably several women who have miscarried and she may well already be considering what I'm about to say, based on others experience.

As a man who's been there with a wife who miscarried late on her first pregnancy, when all appeared to be going very nicely, having to even look at little babygros and teddy bears gifted months before baby should have been due is like getting another stab in the heart after having it broken in two.

So, stop looking at your wife like she's cracked. The rest of you here cop on to yourselves. It's nothing to do with superstition. People might be dumb enough to think it is but it's more practical than that. Show a bit more sensitivity towards your wife OP.

Your family have zero right to impose on your wife and to be quite blunt should have been a lot more thoughtful. None of you should be taking anything for granted. It doesn't seem like your wife is, so maybe it's the rest of you that need to learn to behave appropriately.

EnergyBlaster

She's pregnant. Her hormones could be all over the place. Give her space.

BreadnBuddha

[Deleted User] wrote: »

I disagree with you. People can be very superstitious about having baby stuff in the house before the birth of a first baby. It's not so bad for subsequent babies, as they already have stuff from the first.

It's not so bad because they know they've made it to full term, delivered and both survived. That's the fact of the matter.

v638sg7k1a92bx

EnergyBlaster wrote: »

She's pregnant. Give her a bit of space.

Why is a pregnant woman deemed infallible and since when do people's superstitions and biological clock excuse their poor behaviour and bad attitude?

v638sg7k1a92bx

BreadnBuddha wrote: »

Superstitions me arse.

Your wife knows at least one and probably several women who have miscarried and she may well already be considering what I'm about to say, based on others experience.

As a man who's been there with a wife who miscarried late on her first pregnancy, when all appeared to be going very nicely, having to even look at little babygros and teddy bears gifted months before baby should have been due is like getting another stab in the heart after having it broken in two.

So, stop looking at your wife like she's cracked. The rest of you here cop on to yourselves. It's nothing to do with superstition. People might be dumb enough to think it is but it's more practical than that. Show a bit more sensitivity towards your wife OP.

Your family have zero right to impose on your wife and to be quite blunt should have been a lot more thoughtful. None of you should be taking anything for granted. It doesn't seem like your wife is, so maybe it's the rest of you that need to learn to behave appropriately.

I can't tell if you are joking or serios but I fail to see the logic. What's the co-relation btw looking at baby grows while pregnant and possibility of miscarriage? It's complete hocus pocus and if people who get offended by some giving them gift because they believe in black magic then that their problem and unfortunately for the op he's going to have a child with a partner who believes in hocus pocus. The unfortunate thing is what will the next incident be, how can the op's family know what will offend his gf if she is prone to believing in fairy tales and lets that impact on how she interacts with other people and form the basis on how she will build relationships with other adults and the OP immediate family.

dori_dormer

I wouldn't have gone ballistic but I personally would have been pretty upset if someone had given me a gift at that early stage.
I'd had a miscarriage before, so was pretty nervous and on edge throughout my whole pregnancy. Part of accepting and becoming comfortable and happy about the comign baby was me and my husband going out and buying the very first things for our baby together. It's just kind of a right of passage for your first child too.
I think it was pretty imposing of your family to have something For the baby before the mother and father even did.
I know when my sister was pregnant last year, I saw something adorable I thought she'd love, so I bought it, but I waited until she showed us the nice things shed bought him herself (around the 6 month mark) and then the following week gave her my gift.
I think it's just common courtesy. I had a friend who hadn't even ordered a buggy at 8 months preggers let alone clothes.

I think your wife should apologise for her reaction and explain her reasons to them also. I don't think her feelings on the matter are that uncommon. Have you two also not discussed when you plan to buy things etc at all?

Nichard Dixon

BreadnBuddha wrote: »

Superstitions me arse.

Your wife knows at least one and probably several women who have miscarried and she may well already be considering what I'm about to say, based on others experience.

As a man who's been there with a wife who miscarried late on her first pregnancy, when all appeared to be going very nicely, having to even look at little babygros and teddy bears gifted months before baby should have been due is like getting another stab in the heart after having it broken in two.

So, stop looking at your wife like she's cracked. The rest of you here cop on to yourselves. It's nothing to do with superstition. People might be dumb enough to think it is but it's more practical than that. Show a bit more sensitivity towards your wife OP.

Your family have zero right to impose on your wife and to be quite blunt should have been a lot more thoughtful. None of you should be taking anything for granted. It doesn't seem like your wife is, so maybe it's the rest of you that need to learn to behave appropriately.

It is nonsense to talk about superstition. The OPs partner may have real worries about things going wrong and this premature gesture brought them to the surface. Going ballistic wasn't right and an apology is appropriate for that, but if she is apprehensive about her first pregnancy some support would be called for too.

Shemale

My wife didnt wants gifts or us to buy anythung until the baby was born and all was well. OPs mother should understand.

A friend of mine knew the sex of their baby, shopped and decorated the babys room accordingly, sadly there were complications at birth and she passed away so my mate had to return all the things they bought and repaint after burying her. Seeing what it did to them I wouldnt recommend anyone does it.

Op, hormones are a massive factor too. My wife was pregnant with our first, I got home and she said hi and told about how she had reorganised the press in the kitchen, she brought me over to show me. The natural reaction to a tidyed press was oh thats very tidy which was met with a tidal wave of tears and how I didnt care that she spent time tidying the press.

NB NOT THE TIME FOR A LIGHTENING THE MOOD JOKES

Pregnant women can be very irrational so just be supportive and dont joke until she has calmed down!

Typer Monkey

BreadnBuddha I think you're imposing your own situation and emotions on the situation. I've had a miscarraige and have started buying thins for the baby I'm due in Feb. I love looking at new baby stuff. The OP never mentioned a previous miscarriage. I'm sure if it was relevant he would have.

At the end of the day she was very rude to two family members trying to do a nice thing. Being pregnant doesn't mean you can be rude to people. She could have said 'thanks so much for your thoughtful presents but I don't want to have anything in the house yet so can you keep them here for me until the baby is born safe?'

Also, what is she planning on dressing the baby in when it's born in the hospital. She's going to have to bring clothes in with her when in labour so she's going to have to buy some stuff in advance!

IvyTheTerrible

I was the opposite, I was buying things and getting stuff from the husband's family fairly early on in my first pregnancy, when my family found out they went nuts, thought I was jinxing the baby.
To be honest, whether I had clothes or not would have made little difference to how devastated I'd have been if anything had happened to him.

(By the by, I don't think "Oh pregnancy hormones" is a good reason for rudeness or bad behaviour.)

Dial Hard

Family members buying a couple of babygrows is an imposition. Jesus Christ, I've heard it all now.

endacl

Pregnant wimmenz be cray cray...

And why not. There's a lot going on for them, in them, and around them. I second the 'cut her some slack' approach. Rational is relative, especially when you've a whole other person inside you. I couldn't do it.

Chemical Byrne

dori_dormer wrote: »

I wouldn't have gone ballistic but I personally would have been pretty upset if someone had given me a gift at that early stage.
I'd had a miscarriage before, so was pretty nervous and on edge throughout my whole pregnancy. Part of accepting and becoming comfortable and happy about the comign baby was me and my husband going out and buying the very first things for our baby together. It's just kind of a right of passage for your first child too.
I think it was pretty imposing of your family to have something For the baby before the mother and father even did.
I know when my sister was pregnant last year, I saw something adorable I thought she'd love, so I bought it, but I waited until she showed us the nice things shed bought him herself (around the 6 month mark) and then the following week gave her my gift.
I think it's just common courtesy. I had a friend who hadn't even ordered a buggy at 8 months preggers let alone clothes.

I think your wife should apologise for her reaction and explain her reasons to them also. I don't think her feelings on the matter are that uncommon. Have you two also not discussed when you plan to buy things etc at all?

No. Common courtesy is graciously accepting a gift which someone has been kind enough to offer or else politely declining if you do not want it. The OP was hissing and spitting and them for having the nerve to offer a gift. Bullshít. I'd be very angry.

eviltwin

endacl wrote: »

Pregnant wimmenz be cray cray...

And why not. There's a lot going on for them, in them, and around them. I second the 'cut her some slack' approach. Rational is relative, especially when you've a whole other person inside you. I couldn't do it.

And yet many of us manage to do it with all sorts of other pressures without being rude in the face of kindness.

January

If something happens to a baby it's going to happen whether there is baby equipment/clothes in the house or not. Your baby is not going to die or be born sick because someone bought you a gift and you accepted it.

I think your wife completely over reacted.

dori_dormer

Chemical Byrne wrote: »

No. Common courtesy is graciously accepting a gift which someone has been kind enough to offer or else politely declining if you do not want it. The OP was hissing and spitting and them for having the nerve to offer a gift. Bullshít. I'd be very angry.

That's why I also wrote my last paragraph if you care to read it.

I'm just saying I relate to her situation. I also had an irrational fear of buying anything before a certain time. I know it makes no sense but it was there. And I know plenty of women don't have any problems buying stuff either. In my mind though the horror of having to get rid of all the baby things bought already, if something had happened to him, was too much to bear or think about. Where the root of her fear comes from be it previous losses or superstition doesn't Really matter, it's there and I'm surprised it had never been previously discussed with the op, or that the ops family didn't ask if it was ok to give gifts before they did.

bee06

January wrote: »

If something happens to a baby it's going to happen whether there is baby equipment/clothes in the house or not. Your baby is not going to die or be born sick because someone bought you a gift and you accepted it.

I think your wife completely over reacted.

I'm sure the wife know this in the rational part of her brain but that other irrational part took over in this occasion. I totally agree she overreacted and I'm sure she'll realise that herself when she calms down but her husband calling her out on or getting angry it isn't going to help matters.

meeeeh

Are you sure your mother and sister are not a bit overbearing? I am not superstitious a bit but if relatives started buying clothes at 5 months I would think they are completely nuts. The child is not even born and they are already dressing it. I think it would be much better if they decided to contribute to equipment you have to buy in advance.

I think your wife's reaction was over the top but I really can't comprehend why anyone would be buying baby clothes four months in advance unless they already decided it will be "their" baby.

amdublin

Some people are superstitious. Amd it's a known irish (silly) superstition about not having baby stuff in the house. On that basis I think it might have been best had your mam and sister asked you to check with your wife before giving the baby gift.
Saying all that, there was no call for the rudeness "aww thank you so much they're beautiful. But I'm v superstitious so maybe you'll keep them in your house and maybe X (insert hubby's name) will pick them up closer to the birth date. Thanks so much again".

portcrap

Wow thanks for all the comments, advice and insight. Great to get others perspective on it. Having read all the comments it's obvious there are some deeper issues at the heart of this. Depending on experiences, hormones, stress, state of mind etc. etc. there can be a very real fear, consciously or unconsciously that without having gone full term, receiving gifts at this stage may be premature. Whether that is a logical, rational belief that anything could happen between now and the due date, or something akin to superstition; "jinxing the pregnancy" (Wife's rational type (normally ) not superstitious).

In that circumstance I think being understanding is the best approach, not allowing the folks to take it personally and being supportive. I think in retrospect she will feel that she overreacted - misplaced attempt at being genuine and upfront - but recognising that one can be upfront and tactful at the sametime.

It was a lovely gesture from my family brought on by the excitement of a new arrival. Having heard some of the sad experiences of miscarriage from posters in this thread, I can only imagine the devastation and hurt felt having suffered that loss and seeing all the wee things meant for the child. And how that would only add to the sense of loss.

At the same time, on the grand scheme of things, its only a small issue, a few cute baby grows given with the best of intentions. No doubt it was an overreaction but everyone is different. I have kept all the things out of sight in the meantime. No doubt the wife will be looking for the gifts when the baby is born and show her appreciation to the folks then

Typer Monkey

meeeeh wrote: »

I think your wife's reaction was over the top but I really can't comprehend why anyone would be buying baby clothes four months in advance unless they already decided it will be "their" baby.

Ah come on, buying a few sleep suits or vests for a pregnant daughter in law means they plan to usurp her as the baby's mother?

A baby needs vests and sleepsuits from birth, a lot of them cos they're messy buggers. My mother in law bought me some for my first baby and some blankets. I thanked her for her thoughtfulness and it never crossed my mind she was plotting to steal my baby!

meeeeh

Typer Monkey wrote: »

Ah come on, buying a few sleep suits or vests for a pregnant daughter in law means they plan to usurp her as the baby's mother?

A baby needs vests and sleepsuits from birth, a lot of them cos they're messy buggers. My mother in law bought me some for my first baby and some blankets. I thanked her for her thoughtfulness and it never crossed my mind she was plotting to steal my baby!

I got loads of presents from family and was grateful for them. That is not what I am talking about. 5 months is early, I haven't bought clothes till 8 months or so, not because I was superstitious but because there was no need going to the shops and trawling baby isle 4 months in advance. It screams of over-excitement.

eviltwin

meeeeh wrote: »

I got loads of presents from family and was grateful for them. That is not what I am talking about. 5 months is early, I haven't bought clothes till 8 months or so, not because I was superstitious but because there was no need going to the shops and trawling baby isle 4 months in advance. It screams of over-excitement.

Nothing wrong with being excited. It's one thing if someone is buying the child's entire wardrobe but it's a couple of babygros, it's not a sign of a sinister motive. If she doesn't want stuff now all she has to do is say it to them but no need for histrionics over a simple gesture.

January

I must have been mental so... I bought my last babies buggy when I was nine weeks pregnant... it was a fecking bargain that I was not going to pass up on. It was stored in his room, along with his cot, his changing table and all his clothes until after he was born...

meeeeh

January wrote: »

I must have been mental so... I bought my last babies buggy when I was nine weeks pregnant... it was a fecking bargain that I was not going to pass up on. It was stored in his room, along with his cot, his changing table and all his clothes until after he was born...

And how many relatives bought you gifts then? Btw in my case it would be about 40% chance at nine weeks I will actually need the buggy. That is not me being overly dramatic but I certainly saw no point buying anything but my maternity clothes in early pregnancy when there is a good chance you won't need them. That is not superstition but statistics.

But my point wasn't that. Especially when being first person having a baby on both sides of the family you notice that people around you can be a bit preoccupied with baby and forget the person who is at five months dealing with incontinence, swollen ankles and tiredness. Frankly I was quite glad my parents were one or two flights away.

huey1975

She is a woman, and she is pregnant!
There is nothing in the op that would give any reason to expect rational behaviour

January

meeeeh wrote: »

And how many relatives bought you gifts then? Btw in my case it would be about 40% chance at nine weeks I will actually need the buggy. That is not me being overly dramatic but I certainly saw no point buying anything but my maternity clothes in early pregnancy when there is a good chance you won't need them. That is not superstition but statistics.

But my point wasn't that. Especially when being first person having a baby on both sides of the family you notice that people around you can be a bit preoccupied with baby and forget the person who is at five months dealing with incontinence, swollen ankles and tiredness. Frankly I was quite glad my parents were one or two flights away.

Actually if you want to get technical my dad bought the babies buggy for me... so he bought me a gift then...

Typer Monkey

huey1975 wrote: »

She is a woman, and she is pregnant!
There is nothing in the op that would give any reason to expect rational behaviour

That's quite the sweeping statement. So all women are irrational? Lovely

rey8px2m7altcs

I have to ask, why the hell are you not talking to your wife about this? Let her calm down, make her a drink and ask her why she felt that way.
If she is worried about miscarrying maybe you should know that and be able to reassure her more.

Gannon Obnoxious Wheeler-dealer wrote: »

Why is a pregnant woman deemed infallible and since when do people's superstitions and biological clock excuse their poor behaviour and bad attitude?

Ugh as a woman who used to get real bad hormonal surges (not anymore lol) trust me being a woman sucks! You can be fine and dandy... then hormones and poof in the middle of the kitchen balling your eyes out and wondering to yourself why the **** are you crying. Men are lucky, HOWEVER women can be right ***** so there is that too :P (OP NOT SAYING YOUR WIFE IS ONE!!)

implausible

It's not superstition if it's a likely thing to happen. I am a very rational person, but did not want baby things in the house until they were born, not out of superstition, but because of the very real fact that things can and do go wrong. You cannot dismiss a real fear like that as superstition or hormones.

However, hormones may account for her reaction, which sounds way over the top. Some time to reflect on the fact that it was a thoughtful, if misguided, gesture might lead your partner to realise that she behaved rudely. An apology is in order, not for her feelings, but for the way she expressed them.

MadDog76

When my wife is pregnant (3 times ....... so far ) she can, at times, be f**king mental to say the least!
Grumpy and ready to bite your head off for little or no reason.

I took it on the chin and let her be because she was pregnant and I understand it can be tough at times .......... however the only person she ever took it out on was me because she knew, pregnant or not, that it wasn't acceptable to be rude to people just because she was with child ....... plus I deserved it because I did "this" to her. :rolleyes:

Anyway Op, in my opinion, your wife was way way out of line ........ she's a pregnant woman not a temperamental tantrum-throwing two year old (yes I have one of those now and he's even crazier than his mother ever was!!! ) so you need to have a talk with your wife.

Best of luck ....... you'll need it!!!

contrary_mary

I have some sympathy for your wife - I had a high risk pregnancy after losses and was very anxious throughout and nothing was bought except the absolute essentials at the end. I also really enjoyed picking out the first little pack of babygros a few weeks before my due date, when I knew I would need something to dress him in even if the worst happened. I think I would have felt upset if someone else had bought his first clothes and definitely wouldn't have liked to receive something like that so early.

This may seem irrational but it's how I would have felt. I'd like to think I wouldn't be rude in that situation but I definitely would have felt upset by it.

livinsane

If she had specifically asked them not to buy presents until the baby is born, and they went ahead and did it anyway, then I'd understand her being rude.

Otherwise, the sensible thing to do would be to accept the gifts with a thanks, and put them away, and tell them that she'd feel more comfortable if they kept any other gifts until after the birth as she's superstitious about it. Don't want to be falling out with the in laws now!

LegacyUser

I had our first last year and if anyone had bought me anything at 5 months pregnant, I would have handed it back and politely asked them to keep it until after the birth.
I did buy buggy, cot,clothes etc but at around 30-35 weeks.I'm pregnant again now...11 weeks...and i am praying to god our 12 week scan goes well next week, even thouggh I had an early scan at 8 weeks and all looks fine.
For the record, I'm not that hormonal (and my partner will testify to that!).But...I know what can

go wrong. Not a hope in hell will I be doing a thing this time around either until about 35
weeks (assuming we get there ok).
I had some bleeding early in both pregnancies, and that has led to us being so very very aware
of how instantly it can go wrong...and how little
control you or the medical people have.People
who have problem free pregnancies often (not
always) have no clue of how that feels.I
remember being at an ante-natal class visit to
the hospital first time round, and there were a
good few women asking about where the
emergency room was and how it worked, how
they got checked out etc when they arrived in
labour.All I could think (and another girl quietly
remarked) was how much I would have loved to
not know where the emergency room was, amd
how their system in there worked.
In conclusion OP....your wife could have refused the clothes more politely, but I 100% understand where she's coming from.It's not hormones she's probably just praying it all goes ok.You should try talking to her about it (how shes feeling, not the clothes) because she could be hugely worried about it all.
And have a word in you family's ear about no more presents until afterwards.It's not unreasonable.

BreadnBuddha

She's not superstitious. The OP never said she was and he clarified that already.

lanos

She should be caned.

contrary_mary

BreadnBuddha wrote: »

She's not superstitious. The OP never said she was and he clarified that already.

It wasn't superstition for me. It was knowing very rationally that it would devastate me to have to deal with baby items if the worst happened.