My head and heart are saying something different

LegacyUser

My baby is one year old and I have stayed home to take care of her since she was born. My husband has been taking care of the rent etc. Now an opportunity has come up for me whereby my new employer will fund my studies while I work, I'll have health insurance for myself and my family and of course it'll be an income we are currently struggling without.
It seems perfect and I recognise how bloody lucky I an to have this opportunity. But I am so upset to leave my baby with a childminder. I can't sleep thinking about it and I'm scared she will need me and wonder why I left her.
The new job is 1.5 hours commute each way. So I would be spending 11 hours or so away from her. I just can't imagine this. I know this post may seem trivial but I am absolutely heartbroken at the thought of not being with her everyday.
I'm also terrified that the commuting will be simply too much for me and that I will end up miserable. Part of me thinks I should stick to childminding myself to generate some income and still be with my daughter. But I don't want to pass up a great opportunity out of stupidity either. I am torn at the minute. Any experience or advice greatly appreciated

LegacyUser

Please try not to tear yourself up with guilt.
You've been there for your daughter's first year which is wonderful.
I worked full time when my children were babies, I'm talking 12 hour shifts plus commute - so definitely many occasions when I was gone 7.30 returning at 20.30.My
Girls are now young adults and thriving.
Having said that, you're talking about taking on study which will also eat into your time.
If you have a very reliable childminder and your husband is supportive, you'll be able to do this.
I don't regret having worked full time. I genuinely can say from my experience that children nèed you more as they get older,their lives are busier once school starts and hobbies etc...Take over.

Out of curiosity, is moving closer an option?
You say you rent.
You can do this - it's not forever.
But whatever your decision, don't beat yourself up with guilt.

MissFlitworth

A 3 hour commute sounds horrendous OP. Could you guys move so that you can be nearer to the job and take the opportunity without the awfully long day?

There's a parenting forum on boards too that could be worth a gander/a good support for making your decision & puzzling things out.

LegacyUser

OP, I have a 14 month old. I have been at work since she was 9 months old. I recently changed job - my original job was ok in that I was home around 5 and I was only 4 days in the office. In the new job, I have a commute of just over an hour, I'm home an hour later and I'm in the office 5 days.

If I'm honest, I found it hard going back to work in the first place. Very hard. But I managed it somehow (we needed the money). I also found that, at 9 months, my daughter was looking for other kids, looking to be out and about. She has a couple of other kids at the childminders ,and it's giving her input that I just couldn't - anyone that I know with kids are all at work themselves during the day. If I was at home with her, we'd be looking at each other all day long!

At this point, I am annoyed with my new set up. It doesn't suit me at all to be away pretty much 11 hours of the day. I'm sticking it out until my probation is over, as it's a fairly family friendly organisation and they have a few policies that will kick in after my probation that might make my life easier. But if I'm honest, I'm not that sure that my long-term future lies with this company.

I have also studied with a baby. Feck, it's hard. And I was on leave at the time. I would be careful of starting a job and starting into studying like that, it would be extremely hard. I'm not saying that you couldn't do it, I'm just saying that you'd want to think long and hard about the level of support you have before you do it (and your own enthusiasm levels!)

For what it's worth, my advice would be firstly, to see if you can move closer to the job. A 1.5 hour commute might be doable when there's just you and the OH but with a baby - it just feels like the biggest waste of time in the world, and (in my case) I really resent it. It takes away time that you could be spending with your little one, and really, it's exhausting. Secondly, I'd suggest seeing if you can find out how family friendly the company are - do they have flexitime, could you work from home, all that sort of stuff. It's worth so much to be able to do those things when you're a parent.
Finally if you do decide to go ahead, I would seriously recommend spending a lot of time looking at childcare. Spend time with you choice (childminder or creche), settle your child there, ask loads of questions and make sure both you and the the OH are happy with it. The level of childcare you have can do so much to ease your worries, it's worth it's weight in gold.

Don't think you're being stupid OP. Head and heart is a battle every day on this for me, and most women I know. I've been told to "park the guilt" - it's true but it's so hard to do. The twisting in my gut as I head into work everyday is awful. You have to make the choice for yourself and your family though, and don't worry about what anybody else thinks. And still accept that no matter what your choice is, you will have days where you ask yourself what the hell you're doing. Your post is not in the least bit trivial, I'm struggling badly with this situation myself over the last few weeks and seriously questioning everything that I'm doing. It's completely normal for mothers today to face these choices and I'm afraid there's just no right or wrong.You do have to believe that, in the right circumstances, your baby will be just fine - will thrive in fact! - but it's hard as a mother to realise that.

I don't know if any of that helps, but it's just my 2cents.Best of luck with your decision.

MouseTail

I don't think its doable OP, a 3 hour daily commute, a young baby, full time work and studies. I worked and studied when my kids were small, and it was just about doable with a short hop to work. You will be exhausted, really exhausted to the point of being a danger on the road.

Matteroffact

I don't think this is really what you want. Working, studying and looking after a baby is no joke. Deep down you want to be with your child and that is where your heart lies and always will. You will be giving yourself the extra worry of wondering how she is all day long, and when she gets sick as all children do, you will feel you have abandoned her. It would be different if you had gone back to work after 4 months, but after a year when your baby knows you would be very traumatic for you and the child. That is how I see it.

Tigger99

Jeepers that's some guilt trip there. Feel like she's abandoned her baby? Traumatic for her and the child? Many of my friends went back to work after a similar period of time and have happy well adjusted kids.

It does seem like a lot to juggle. Could you defer the study for a year perhaps? Until you had a good routine going and can see how/where time for study can fit in.

I think you'd find more helpful replies in the parenting thread OP.

LegacyUser

It's not so much the going back to work with a baby - I do it myself - it's more the commute plus the studying plus the baby might be a bit of a big ask.
Also reassurance that she's not stupid or trivial to ask herself these things, I suppose. You always feel like you're the only one wondering about this stuff and rarely realise most other people think about it too.

detoxkid

I went back to work 4 days when my daughter was 11 months. It wasn't half as bad as I was expecting. Like another poster said good childcare is key. My daughter is in a creche beside where I work and she adores it. She barely gives me a second glance when I leave and they do such much with her, I know she loves her time there and that helps immensly. I do 4 long days and I find it hard literally dropping her into creche when it opens and collecting her when they are just about to shut..but needs must. I would have found 5 days very hard..but again I'm sure needs must and we would make it work. The studying thing would be a no go for me just with the time required and the time with her being so precious but I know plenty of people who do it and make it work. I will say I have a stressful job managing allot of people but I now just see it as a means to an end to provide for my family. So my advice is look at the bigger picture, what's motivating u and stick with it! If it's your dream job then surely a happy mammy means a happy child and when you love your child as much as u clearly do you will get your quality time in as a priority.

LegacyUser

There is a collective here who will encourage you to go back to work.

I wouldn't do it. Work is work, it will always be there. Your baby's first few years will be gone forever. Stay at home with them.

Has anyone ever regretted time with their children? No.
Has anyone ever regretted leaving their children?

http://higherperspectives.com/deathbed-regrets/