Loneliness is slowly destroying my teenage son.

MrSadness

Hi Guys,
just looking to see if anyone has been in similar situation and has any advice. My 17 yr old son was bullied for years and due to lack of confidence and anxiety has now found himself alone and friendless. When we found out we did take action including changing schools and getting him a counsellor .This was 18 mths before his leaving.He recently completed his Leaving certs and did't get the points for any of his courses he wanted due to the stress he was under. Nothing much is left in the CAO that he could do. He says he couldn't do the leaving again.
As a result he probably wont be going to college to make the friends that he was dreaming about the last few years. A new start etc.

The only people he has to talk to are us his parents and his sister. He is a genuine nice guy and my daughter tells me that her friends find him attractive and But if a girl talked to him he would probably run a mile.even female neighbours comment on how good looking he is. He gets on well with adults that he meets in daily life and people who meet him comment on what a nice guy he is and how well mannered he is. But with his peers it never works out despite him joining clubs etc. He always ends up on his own been ignored. He is still with a counsellor who has helped him big time ,but is still friendless.

I go into town with him and to the pictures ,but I do see him looking at the groups of teenagers around him having fun.When I look into his eyes each day the pain in his eyes kills me.

Both my wifes and my health has deteriorated in the last two years due to the stress.

I was wondering if anyone knows of anywhere he could meet up with teens of his age or like minded teens. The counsellor has mentioned aware but the people there seem to be in there 20s and he needs friends his own age.

He has no interest in sports so this is not a option

bisset

Has he considered a post leaving cert course. These don't have the same points requirements and can lead on to a range of different careers

Damien360

Is there a Katate club in your area. No it is not all fighting.

I am in one and there is a fine collection of odd people including myself. From karate meets it would seem that this is the norm in many clubs.

It is sport but not viewed as such. Can be very regimented which is good for the mind.

I took it I up to relieve stress at work and it works. If you fail to concentrate for the hour, you will struggle for the hour. He needs to persevere and keep turning up.

People of similar interest will eventually open up and give the guy a much needed outlet for his personality to come out. It starts with a hello. Having been in a similar position as your son when I was that age, it took sheer will to force myself to open up and wish I had found Katate back then. You need to talk to him about what you see. It will be an argument but he will see the truth as long as you speak only the truth.

Try to find an accredited one (there are a few Cowboys). The USKFI shotokan karate organisation is one I am with. Plenty of them about.

I wish you both luck

HIB

My heart goes out to u Mr. Sadness. Sounds like a really tough situation. If you're in a rural area, I'd give macra name feirme serious consideration. Not just for farmers, and they are quite an accepting bunch in my experience.

Also, thinking back to my own schooldays, my first part time job gave me great confidence. Let me look at all the assholes in school in a new light i.e. at least I was getting up off my hole to work and not just trying to look cool hanging around outside the bus office!

MrSadness

Hi Bisset
Yes he did apply for a plc course that he was really interested in.He got accepted was over the moon.Two weeks later they rang him up and told him it was cancelled due to lack of numbers.

blackbird 49

Just reading your post I can identify with a lot of things you have said, I have a 17 yrs old son as well, was bullied in primary school , things improved in secondary he had friends there but wouldn't make arrangements to meet up , say at weekends, he did his LC this year didn't get his first choice but got his second, so college for him in September, I'm hoping this will be a new chapter of things to come, he has come out of himself a little bit but I would like to see more, hopefully college will change that, but I do worry about him, would he consider doing a PLC course, not always a guaranteed place for college but you never know if he works hard enough, maybe even applying for a part time job( which I know is not easy to get), it just go to show how different all children are I have another son who would go out on the opening of a envelope , your daughter

is probably the same, I really can not give you any advise only that I know how you feel, good luck in what ever the future holds for him which hopefully is something better

PirateShampoo

There are lots of other clubs around, I myself was in a car Club for years when I was in my 20s. We did all sorts, for example once a month or so we would have a event like paintball or go Karting.

I also used to be into tabletop gaming in my teens.

You just need to find out what he's into and give him a little nudge, maybe go with him the first time. He'll get his confidence back eventually.

moneymad

MrSadness wrote: »

Hi Guys,
just looking to see if anyone has been in similar situation and has any advice. My 17 yr old son was bullied for years and due to lack of confidence and anxiety has now found himself alone and friendless. When we found out we did take action including changing schools and getting him a counsellor .This was 18 mths before his leaving.He recently completed his Leaving certs and did't get the points for any of his courses he wanted due to the stress he was under. Nothing much is left in the CAO that he could do. He says he couldn't do the leaving again.
As a result he probably wont be going to college to make the friends that he was dreaming about the last few years. A new start etc. The only people he has to talk to are us his parents and his sister. He is a genuine nice guy and my daughter tells me that her friends find him attractive and But if a girl talked to him he would probably run a mile.even female neighbours comment on how good looking he is. He gets on well with adults that he meets in daily life and people who meet him comment on what a nice guy he is and how well mannered he is. But with his peers it never works out despite him joining clubs etc. He always ends up on his own been ignored. He is still with a counsellor who has helped him big time ,but is still friendless.
I go into town with him and to the pictures ,but I do see him looking at the groups of teenagers around him having fun.When I look into his eyes each day the pain in his eyes kills me.
Both my wifes and my health has deteriorated in the last two years due to the stress.
I was wondering if anyone knows of anywhere he could meet up with teens of his age or like minded teens. The counsellor has mentioned aware but the people there seem to be in there 20s and he needs friends his own age.

He has no interest in sports so this is not a option

No offense but all the advice about clubs is bs.
He needs to stop wanting people to like him and just be himself.
Been there, done that. And now im on top of the world. My world. Not everyone elses.

endacl

moneymad wrote: »

No offense but all the advice about clubs is bs.
He needs to stop wanting people to like him and just be himself. If you want to talk more privately, msg me.
Been there, done that. And now im on top of the world. My world. Not everyone elses.

Not mutually exclusive.

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

Rhys Essien

MrSadness wrote: »

Hi Bisset
Yes he did apply for a plc course that he was really interested in.He got accepted was over the moon.Two weeks later they rang him up and told him it was cancelled due to lack of numbers.

Was this last year he applied???

PLC courses should be starting next month along with regular college courses.Can he not consider another course.I would recommend along with the other people here.

currooney

So sorry to hear about your son's situation, I'm 17 myself so I know how hard it can be to get yourself out there. Does he have any cousins of a similar age? I bring my cousin along with my friends and we all have a great time together. Clubs and part time jobs sound like good options, even volunteer work to help broaden his social circle.

cerastes

Fairly astonished about suggestions of dates and the even ridiculous can the sister set him up with a date? I don't think that's what's needed if he isnt certain of himself, sounds like he needs friends his own age in something that he has a joint interest not girlfriends, he needs to find what interests him and do that or those things and develop himself and his own confidence, I was painfully shy when i was young and I think so long as its done right, is raised with a responsible group leader in whatever activity whether it be chess, pool, gaming,karate or whatever so they are aware that that could be a good thing.

DEFTLEFTHAND

Are there any other PLC programmes being run that he might be interested in? With a PLC course he might not need to repeat his Leaving to get on to a college course he'd like. This article from the Irish Times might be helpful


http://www.irishtimes.com/news/education/how-to-get-to-college-via-a-post-leaving-cert-course-1.2058260

bmm

MrSadness wrote: »

... But with his peers it never works out despite him joining clubs etc. He always ends up on his own been ignored. ...

Have you/he ever got to the root of why this is ??

loopyk

my brother was similar-never had any friends and one thing that i noticed in the last year or two that has helped is a group he joined on facebook, called irish nerdfighters. they seem to be very accepting of less socially comfortable people. as he didnt go to college i thought it seemed like a good substitute for the likes of college groups. and im sure there must be other online groups that might suit your son. also meetup .com might be worth a search if he is looking to meet new friends based on various interests.

chefvortivask

Something worth a try is volunteering. Im a similar age and some of my closest friends were only made in the past few weeks! Find something that looks for young people's help and by working together a close bond is formed.

I was lucky enough to volunteer at the Edmund Rice camps this Summer where a summer camp was made available free of charge to children from disadvantaged families. Had the best 2 weeks of my life and made some fantastic friends. Its worth looking to see if anything similar is available to him!

Eggle

MrSadness, I'm so sorry to hear about the difficulties that your son is facing. He is lucky to have parents who care so much about him. Being a teenager isn't easy for any kid, and with bullying and anxiety in the mix, life can be very difficult.
He probably feels very aimless at the moment without college to look forward to, and maybe you need to work on that as a priority. If you can find something for him to do that he might be interested in, even if it doesn't lead to any particular qualification, it may give him a sense of purpose - and once he starts a course, he is much more likely to meet like minded people. Also, maybe contact your local CAMHS (child and adolescent mental health) provider and see do they run any social groups that might help him. Volunteering might be a good path for him too, depending on his interests.
But above all try to keep the lines of communication open. It's great that he seems to talk to you about how he feels, and you should pat yourselves on the back for that.
Hope things improve for you all soon.

Summertime8989

How about a military bootcamp? Obviously don't force to do it but he will be pushed to his limits and see he can accomplish things. It would increase his self confidence. Or a family holiday, head away for a week somewhere relaxing and discuss what he'd like to do for his future. A part time job or volunteering would all help. See what his interests are. Good luck and keep positive around him, don't let him see that you guys are stressed out over him as this will make him feel difficult about himself.

Summertime8989

moneymad wrote: »

No offense but all the advice about clubs is bs.
He needs to stop wanting people to like him and just be himself. If you want to talk more privately, msg me.
Been there, done that. And now im on top of the world. My world. Not everyone elses.

Lacking in self confidence doesn't have to mean you want people to like you. Perhaps he doesn't like himself or just feels more comfortable away from social situations. Just because it was one way for you doesn't mean it's the same for everyone else.

JuliusCaesar

OP, I'm moving this to Personal Issues. Their forum charter will now apply. JC

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I'm so delighted to see a parent with the level of awareness you have. I've been were your son was and my parents were blind to it or more couldn't be bothered to get involved. This is an area of development that the education system fails in in my view. I'm 33 now and working professionally and I would say I carry around with me a massive chip on my shoulder as I feel I have missed out, I didn't make many friends, I don't go on lads holidays or have difficult decisions when it comes to weekend on who to go out with due to the volume of friends, i don't get invited to stags, i have nothing to look forward to outside of work.
I didn't develop what I would now deem essential in life , friends to support me when i need advice or going through a challenging time or just to hang out with. Yes I have a gf now a number of years and I find it difficult to deal with her stories of her highly joyful childhood.. i nearly resent it and have to hide my feelings. I had to pretend i had a social life so i didn't appear inadequate, sad as it was I would pretend I went out at the weekend were the reality was I sat in by myself.

My actual friends now are small (2-3) and they are friends I developed in my mid 20s. I don't know why but in school I was bullied also and some friends i lunched with but no life long friendships developed, in college I had friends but again nothing lifelong. I was deemed good looking, girls were interested in me (likewise I ran for the door every time), i was smart enough to get what I wanted in college.

The reasons for me having this experience are I'm sure much different that your sons, for example my father was a dictator, could never please him and was never good enough for his expectations (not that he was the great success story), if he wasn't happy, the house wasn't happy, whatever mood he was in we all had to be in. He never liked people visiting the house, no friends could be brought back, no encouragement to partake in clubs or sports.

I would say to you keep persevering at this because it is essential to feel like you socially knit into society and that you feel valued as a friend to someone. Also it is super important in work life to have interpersonal skills to help form relationships in work too. Intellectual ability is merely a percentage of what it takes to be successful in work, confidence, interpersonal and emotional intelligence are highly important and i feel we only develop these skills through friendships we make and lose. This is not solvable overnight sadly, but you need to act now if he is to have a chance at life, you don't want him carrying around resentment and regret for his life.

LegacyUser

OP I was your son, I had an awful time in secondary school, no friends etc I just didn't fit in with any of the activities in my town and I also didn't get anything on the CAO. I was looking at a lonely year of working in a shop or something in the town waiting to see what I'd do but my mum rang around the PLC colleges to see what was being offered. I literally got a course a few days before it started. PLC colleges are much more flexible then other 3rd level colleges so don't be afraid to ring up and ask. I got a one year portfolio course that geared me up for applying to degree courses the next year and I totally came out of my shell in that environment. I've never looked back, never spoken to anyone I went to school with but am still close with several people I did that one year course with.

LegacyUser

Are there any adult education centres that offer the Leaving Cert so that he doesn't have to go back to school? My nephew did the leaving cert this way, having done badly in school & and he got on so much better there. Or could he go to another school to do it if that's not an option, even in the next town?
Or would he be interested in a trade as he might be able to get an apprenticeship in some areas which are picking up at the moment.

I think it would be so bad for him to have nothing to do at the moment as it will do nothing for his self confidence. Even if he does a PLC course that is not directly what he wants it will get him out of the house & mixing with other people.

Compu Global Hyper Meganet

Hi OP, you said that your daughter's friends think that he's attractive. Has she ever told him this? Your son probably has issues with self esteem (particularly around women) and he may get a bit of a confidence boost if he knew. Being bullied has probably made him think that he's inadequate in some way when it's clear from what your daughter says that he has plenty of qualities that others see in him.

bp

Would he consider board gaming or table top gaming? I was previously in a board game club and it is great light hearted fun.

Table top game could be war hammer, war machine etc. My sisters husband does this and seems to be a great world wide community

chuckles30

Really sorry to read about your son & just going to throw in my tuppenceworth based on my own experiences.

I was also bullied all the way through primary school, but I didn't understand what was going on at the time and it was never picked up, but times were different and it was a rural school etc. Because of geography, I went to a different secondary school than the rest of my class...which should have been a fresh start. But my confidence levels were shockingly low, so while I made friends, I was never one of the gang. I was always a bit of a loner and to be honest that pattern continued through my college years. I honestly think that looking back, my confidence took such a battering in my early years, I just found it really hard to break into a group, always feeling like an outsider and that my opinion wouldn't count anyway.

I have made some good friends since through work, house-shares etc, but I still have a very independent streak to me. I'm happy to go to a film, match or show by myself. I don't need to be surrounded by people all the time. I then got involved in voluntary work and made some great friends that way too. But it takes time & doesn't happen overnight. It's easy to say join clubs and get involved in stuff....but it takes a long time for friendships to form. I have had to work hard on it over the years & learn to believe in myself.

Your son is very lucky to have the support of his family. He will get through it and he will make friends through work, college or whatever course he decides to follow.

dixiefly

This is a very quick response as I am in the middle of a job.

Your post rings a bell also with me as my daughter has suffered from stress and had a lot of issues around not having friends over the years. This did get better and has been up and down but I can see the effect that not having friends can do. My son is not sporting and has only a small few friends but it doesnt seem to worry him.

My advice wihout thinking through a huge amount is:

1. Identify the pursuits that he does have an interest in / talent for and help him pursue those. Be it drama, archery whatever.

2. Even though he doesnt do sports he should keep himself fit either through running, cycling, gym etc. Good for mind and body.

3. Try and get him to repeat to allow him pursue the course / courses he wants. Best for his own mental state and is opportunities to meet like minded people & make friends.

I know many people that repeated the leaving and I don't know anyone that said it was a wasted year or they were too old. If you believe that its the best thing then a gently push in that direction is needed from you. My daughter regrets nit repeating and giving another year to identify and get a more suitable course.


Best of luck - its not easy.

daisybelle2008

MrSadness wrote: »

Both my wifes and my health has deteriorated in the last two years due to the stress.

This is concerning. Have you spoke to your GP?

orthsquel

Having been bullied myself in primary school and felt really alone and alienated in secondary... my own opinion would be that he would work on his self esteem and self confidence, as opposed to trying to find something he can fit into and make friends. Without the self confidence he may struggle to make friends even if he gets involved in various groups, because he won't have the necessary skills or belief in himself to make friends.

Perhaps through counselling he can work on his self esteem and gain confidence in himself. Even maybe adult education classes - or somewhere else - may have assertiveness classes which may be something he can try in the future.

He would probably find the prospect of repeating the leaving in the near future to be really daunting because he wouldn't have the confidence in himself and because of a negative association. But there is nothing wrong as to looking at the options he can take in the future, in repeating or further education. Also he might feel really rejected from the course being cancelled and that he might blame himself for his LC results, rather than understanding that it was because of the circumstances, not because of his ability.

As for the loneliness, him going to activities for people his own age is great in theory but if already he ends up being alone or ignored then while it would engage him, he is going to feel worse off than he does already and more alienated with every activity that he tries, if he is unable to have confidence in himself. Like he should be really wanting to mingle and meet people, chat with others, but if he is just going to quietly hide himself away in the corner hoping for others to come over, then he's not going to get a lot out of it. He needs to be in a safety zone of people that he feels comfortable and secure around and the best is family tbh. He needs to get confident in who he is around family and realise that there is nothing that different in talking to everyone else and making friends than there is in talking to members of the family.

I think the focus should be on building on self confidence in activities, in doing things that he can excel in unrelated to school and making friends, so that he can gain in having confidence in himself and that he can accept himself having confidence. that he can see how far he has come, how he has progressed, blossomed and grown and move on from that.

KomradeBishop

It's good that he is trying with the groups/clubs, and even if that is not necessarily fruitful socially, it'd be good to encourage him keeping up with that, as if he falls into a rut without social contact for long, it's easy to become stuck - so it's important this doesn't happen (at the same time, you can't force/pressure him too much - though as long as the environment is 'safer'/more-approachable than school was for him, he'll probably manage).

It depends on whether he would be into it or not, but (as mentioned earlier) self defence classes might be a good option, as they can be good for building general confidence, in addition to the social aspect (and if depressed, the physical exercise would do good).

Judging by what you say, it sounds like he may be depressed and it's good that he's going to a counsellor - it's just important also for him to keep ticking along on the social end of things, in addition to the mental health side of things.
I'd actually say that's just as (if not even more) important than the mental health aspect of this, as overcoming the MH side of things, while a deficit has developed on the social side, would be going backwards socially, and that can be harder/take-longer to work on (as an adult in particular, working on the social side of things can get much harder); it'd be a mistake to think that working on only one thing (MH vs social skills), is enough.

I wouldn't rule out aware or groups of friends older than him - to be honest, that might actually be better for him, as he may be at less risk of setbacks with people who are more mature than his general age group.

As others have mentioned, FETAC courses (I think they still exist? or equivalent), and stuff like that, would also be another option academically; it's not the end of the world if he doesn't do this though, or isn't ready - just means other ways/clubs/etc. should be found to keep him ticking over socially, and there is also the possibility of going to college as a mature student.


While I try to be positive/constructive above, it's worth noting too, that these problems can sometimes be long-term (or very long-term...) ones - and it's my opinion that the social side of these problems, is a blindspot in the mental health industry - but it's really good that you both sound quite supportive, and active in looking to get your son help, as that will make it more likely for him to improve.


As to your own and your partners stress: Not sure what to say there, but it's something that - if you can help it - it'd be good not to get too stressed over (easier said than done obviously); if either of you feel responsible in any way (either for things ending up this way, or for it being a difficult problem to resolve), then you've nothing to feel bad about in that regard, as this kind of thing just happens through no fault of the person harmed or their family (and usually no single thing is the cause of it - usually it's a combination of factors).

Parents often blame themselves over things like this (and it's possible/likely, that your son would sense that too if you did blame yourselves, which could in turn lead to blaming himself for that and feeling worse), but in this case there's no reason to at all. Both of your own health, is important for your sons health as well - so take care of that too.

castaway_lady

OP go online to the local Education and Training Board's website (previously VEC). Find out where the plc colleges closest are and phone them up to check on what courses have vacancies and will run. Even something general like computers/IT or business will be a year well spent and give him breathing space, a new start, a small social environment to get started and nearly everyone in the course will be new to each other and cling to each other and sit beside each other in classes and wander to the canteen together etc.

He most definitely doesnt need to be sitting at home in a few weeks time.
My mom's friends son wasn't the most confident or sociable lad in his teens, then got a part time job in a bar/restaurant and within a couple of months found a whole new level of confidence and ease around people. Maybe the course work experience will open doors.

He could potentially do a plc at level 5 and level 6 and spend the next two years in that system, which would be a good way to test his desire for 3rd level while maintaining a level of security. Maybe start the process of learning to drive. Join a gym. Sports clubs can be tough to integrate into and probably pointless if hes not sporty. It's a big move to even walk into any type club alone.
Get busy on getting him into a plc and I'll bet he wont look back.

aidanki

MrSadness wrote: »

Hi Guys,
My 17 yr old son was bullied for years and due to lack of confidence and anxiety has now found himself alone and friendless. When we found out we did take action including changing schools and getting him a counsellor .This was 18 mths before his leaving.He recently completed his Leaving certs and did't get the points for any of his courses he wanted due to the stress he was under. Nothing much is left in the CAO that he could do. He says he couldn't do the leaving again.
As a result he probably wont be going to college to make the friends that he was dreaming about the last few years. A new start etc.

The only people he has to talk to are us his parents and his sister. He is a genuine nice guy and my daughter tells me that her friends find him attractive and But if a girl talked to him he would probably run a mile.even female neighbours comment on how good looking he is. He gets on well with adults that he meets in daily life and people who meet him comment on what a nice guy he is and how well mannered he is. But with his peers it never works out despite him joining clubs etc. He always ends up on his own been ignored. He is still with a counsellor who has helped him big time ,but is still friendless.

I go into town with him and to the pictures ,but I do see him looking at the groups of teenagers around him having fun.When I look into his eyes each day the pain in his eyes kills me.

Both my wifes and my health has deteriorated in the last two years due to the stress.

I was wondering if anyone knows of anywhere he could meet up with teens of his age or like minded teens. The counsellor has mentioned aware but the people there seem to be in there 20s and he needs friends his own age.

He has no interest in sports so this is not a option

bmm wrote: »

Have you/he ever got to the root of why this is ??

+1 bmm has got the million dollar question here, any ideas why this ?

on the bullying thing I was singled out because I was the bright boy in the class and I think class mates to fit in with the bullies jumped on the bullying bandwagon, I wasn't tough enough to stick up for myself so I retreated away into myself and hung around on my own and kinda got used to it


Lastly fair play as a parent for getting involved, fair play as a parent for getting involved, my mother was too concerned with my school work, and thought that it was infinitely more important than the school of life, if that isn't pathetic parenting and a true representation of meanness of the hightest degree I don't know what is. I didn't realize the importance and it took moving town and having considerably more free time for me to realize what I was missing.

remember being advised not to buy a mobile phone it makes me hate myself I was stupid enough to listen

P.S. I think the school work thing will sort itself out fine, nothing really to add to that all the suggesteions have already being made

whats his tone of voice like ?
whats his eye contact like during converstation ?

Is he able to laugh ?

How does he come across to people ?

ongarboy

Hi OP,

Some great advice here. I also second the posts saying congrats on you and your wife having such empathy in your son's situation and rooting for him. Please don't underestimate the priceless value of your son having your unconditional love and support. He may not be able to acknowledge or appreciate it properly at his young age but his sub-conscious does and will for the rest of his life.

It really is a shame that his stress and bullying hampered his studies to prevent him going off to college. Normally that is the first time, young people (both isolated and lonely or popular) can be on a level playing field for the first time as they are no longer surrounded by childhood friends. This presents a great opportunity for making new friends for those who wouldn't have been extroverted or had many friends in school. I would say however that your son should find some Post Leaving Cert course, apprenticeship, or academic course so that he can meet and be around new people who are at the same life stage as himself.

I also second the volunteering suggestion in an activity that attracts young people (youth centre/scout leaders etc) where he has opportunities to mix and mingle with others of his age. It will help him trial and error in social development which is crucial.

Finally, I would also focus on yourself and your wife and your own stress. This is not healthy and should be addressed. You run the risk of your son picking up on it and adding guilt to his own issues.

Rubberchikken

i'm sorry to read about your son's difficulties. sometimes teen years are particularly difficult for certain kids but they blossom as they get older, so hold on to the hope. it will get better for him, he just needs to find the place/people he belongs with.

plc courses will be still available so hopefully he's willing to apply again. they will have places on a large range of courses so it's worth ringing the admissions.

i wouldn't recommend having his sister setting him up etc, it will feel staged to him and could only shoot down his confidence even more.

it's very tough for him and heartbreaking to watch as a parent so i wish him and you all the best.

Adam!038

Im 19, was recently in a similar situation, I fell out with my group of friends and didn't really have anyone
It passes, Thats my best advice
If he finds work, Does a course ... The regular stuff we would do in our teens/20s, he will find some friends along the way
Also, A lot of people dont realise it but its perfectly fine to be a bit of a loner, I enjoy time by myself :P

MrSadness

Thanks for all the advice and best wishes.
My son is repeating his leaving cert ,and while once again he started off well getting on with people ,he now finds himself alone again.The guys in his class went out yesterday and tonight without inviting him.
Most of what people have advised ,we have done.I know he is socially awkward but he does everything his councellor tells him ,but it only ever seems to work for a short while before he again ends up on his own.I am beginning to get sick of people telling me what a nice guy he is .i sometimes wish he was a bit if a bastard .

I had typed a longer more detailed reply ,but lost it as it timed out.

BertyytreB

MrSadness wrote: »

Thanks for all the advice and best wishes.
My son is repeating his leaving cert ,and while once again he started off well getting on with people ,he now finds himself alone again.The guys in his class went out yesterday and tonight without inviting him.
Most of what people have advised ,we have done.I know he is socially awkward but he does everything his councellor tells him ,but it only ever seems to work for a short while before he again ends up on his own.I am beginning to get sick of people telling me what a nice guy he is .i sometimes wish he was a bit if a bastard .

I had typed a longer more detailed reply ,but lost it as it timed out.

Although I had very few friends I was similar when younger. I'm still a bit socially awkward but am in my 30s so as the years passed I've changed. I hated sports etc when young and then after a load of ****ty things happened to me all at once when in my very early 20s I started to work out. I got motivated and got into a routine. If he can start with one positive motivational thing even if it's with you that can snow ball and help push the rest of his life into a positive space.

Rubberchikken

it's hard to be socially awkward and young. other young people are so caught up in their own lives they won't see past the awkwardness and give the person a chance.
the work and effort is all on your son and there are probably times he just can't keep this effort up.
he's repeating his LC which is great. don't focus on what the guys in the class did or didn't do. it's hurts, really badly, to see your own left out, but if you react to it, it's just placing more importance on it in front of your son and might only make him feel worse.

see the willingness to return to do the LC as a good first step. get him involved in any social things that you can. praise the good efforts he makes. just be there for him. things will work out for him, in the way meant for him. good luck

Witcher

I know when I was in 5th year some of the lads from the JC class that year skipped TY and joined our year, I know it took them a while to fit in with us. They were joining a group that had been together for years and it's not easy being new, even in a group of 3/4 as they were. If your son is repeating on his own it will be a bit harder still.

Honestly, he might never fit in with this new year group, but..all going well he should be off to college next year and he'll be with a group of entirely new people where the cliques won't be formed yet. Keep up the confidence building with him until then slowly but surely if you can.

Are there really no sports he would be into? They don't have to be team sports. I know growing up I wasn't big on team sports, I was on some teams on and off but I got into some individual sports over the last few years and honestly I have made more friends through those than I ever did with a team sport. Some people can find team sports a bit daunting as, again, you're coming in to an already formed group with its own cliques.

Roselm

It doesn't have to be sports clubs though. What about kids who meet up for music eg underage gigs/ coder clubs/ gamers groups. These must exist?
Does your son have any underlying diagnosis and if so are there any clubs in the area that cater for this eg autism/ dyspraxia / attention defecit/hyperactivity disorder?

thierry14

MrSadness wrote: »

I am beginning to get sick of people telling me what a nice guy he is .i sometimes wish he was a bit of a bastard.

Exactly

Your son doesn't need friends, know one really needs friends, you make your own way in life.

It's good to be a <snip>.

I didn't have too many friends when I was his age, have even less now and it never bothered me in the slightest.

I never had any interest in hanging out with the lads and talking ****.

I wanted a good job, nice car, good looking wife, kids and money.Didn't need friends for that.

Tell your son to ignore those <snip> boys in his class and to work his ass off this year, **** them.

Life's simple, you make a choice and you never look back.

Your sons choice is repeating the leaving, he needs to ace it, get the points, get into college, do a good course with a clear career path to make good money, find a nice girl and make his own life.

Taltos

Mod note
Thierry14
Language that is borderline swear filter is one thing and on its own wouldn't have been an issue here, but we don't want to see people using marginalising or discriminatory like your other nugget again. The worlds moved on from the 80s and 90s, let's keep it that way.

Cheers

Roselm

You can't force friendships. Your son needs to find people like him that are on the same wavelength so you need to find out where these people are! Easier said than done I know.