Telling on a cheater.

LegacyUser

To cut a long story short I was seeing some very casually, on a "friends-with-benefits" sort of basis, 4 or 5 times over about six months. I discovered that he has a girlfriend of over a year. I was really shocked (he seemed like such a nice guy and I met him out once with his friends who didn't seem shocked about him leaving with me) and weirdly feel a bit guilty. I found out after he tagged her on fb. His page is very sparse, but on hers it says clearly that they are in a relationship. I found out over a month ago but have been humming and hawing about whether to tell her. And getting very varied advice from friends. Basically I feel she has the right to know but I am worried that they might be in an open relationship (which still makes him a bit of d'ck for not telling me) and I'll just be making a fool of myself. Also the only way I have to contact her is fb so she may not get the message anyway as we're not friends. Some of my friends say I'm just being meddlesome and should forget about it...but I'd want to know if I was her.

Exclamation Marc

Personally, I hate cheaters so my knee-jerk reaction would be similar to yours; to add her on FB and tell her.

The only issue is that you'll open a can of worms; she may say that you're lying (as he'll obviously deny it to the hilt); and realistically you could end up looking like a burned ex or rejected person (its your word versus his and his mates and your words will be twisted in whatever way to make him come out clean). On top of that, he might start attacking you and your word. And you really don't want to get into a back and forth over it with him or anyone. Whether you want to do it to hurt him or help her, you'll be painted as someone who's meddlesome, bitter and/or jealous (regardless of whether you are or not).

It's best to stay away, be thankful you were the casual friend with benefits and not the girlfriend, and thank god and that you got away from him when you did. Take the high ground and walk away, you'll save face and you'll look a lot better for it.

athtrasna

She won't thank you for telling her that you've been sleeping with her boyfriend. Accidentally or not, that doesn't matter.

You are responsible for your own relationships. No need to interfere with anyone else's.

LegacyUser

OP, Please do not listen to the above comment! You need to do what's right. I wasted a year with a guy I thought was the one to only find out recently enough he had cheated and lied at the start of the relationship. This other girl knew supposedly but choose not to tell me as I think she has a boyfriend aswell and didn't want to own up and is weak spined.

You are not going to be this girls best friend when she finds out but please do what's right. You could be saving this girl years of misery with a cheater

The_Valeyard

OP while its horrible whats happened to you, this could open a world of pain on you and his gf, id finish with him and thank yourself lucky you are not dating him!!

DoYouEvenLift

If I was in her shoes I'd want to be made aware of this. If you do tell her, just make absolutely sure to emphasise that you didn't know he was in a relationship and that if it was you in her shoes you'd want to be told about your boyfriend cheating.

Stupidity knows no bounds with the average person so don't be surprised if, even after this, she turns out to be a moron that's more mad at you, a stranger who didn't know, than her scumbag boyfriend.

strandroad

athtrasna wrote: »

She won't thank you for telling her that you've been sleeping with her boyfriend.

How do you know that? I would be absolutely grateful to learn that, my wrath would be with the boyfriend.

zeffabelli

No.

She may have a right to know, but you don't have the right to tell her.

Stay out of it. And get him off your Facebook.

You got yourself out of a triangle, and by doing this you're sticking yourself right back in there. You know nothing about their relationship, and everyone will egg you on because of the whole cheating thing, but 95% of the time the cheated had a part to play in the deceptions.

People can get all moralistic but that doesn't exempt human nature from the laws of cause and effect.

Saipanne

doitell wrote: »

To cut a long story short I was seeing some very casually, on a "friends-with-benefits" sort of basis, 4 or 5 times over about six months. I discovered that he has a girlfriend of over a year. I was really shocked (he seemed like such a nice guy and I met him out once with his friends who didn't seem shocked about him leaving with me) and weirdly feel a bit guilty. I found out after he tagged her on fb. His page is very sparse, but on hers it says clearly that they are in a relationship. I found out over a month ago but have been humming and hawing about whether to tell her. And getting very varied advice from friends. Basically I feel she has the right to know but I am worried that they might be in an open relationship (which still makes him a bit of d'ck for not telling me) and I'll just be making a fool of myself. Also the only way I have to contact her is fb so she may not get the message anyway as we're not friends. Some of my friends say I'm just being meddlesome and should forget about it...but I'd want to know if I was her.

What do you gain from this proposed action?

LegacyUser

mhge wrote: »

How do you know that? I would be absolutely grateful to learn that, my wrath would be with the boyfriend.

Would you believe a strange woman over your partner, who proclaims their innocence?

I wouldn't do anything if I were you op. Just stop seeing him and cut off contact with him. He'll get caught out eventually.

MagicMarker

zeffabelli wrote: »

She may have a right to know, but you don't have the right to tell her.

If she doesn't have a right to tell her, then who does?

It's the OP who's being used to cheat on this woman, she of all people has the right to tell her. If I was the OP, I'd tell her. If we all had this stupid kind of 'oh it's not your place to tell her' logic, then this guy's GF will never find out, and may waste years of her life on this waster.

Give her the info she deserves to know and let her make her own decisions.

zeffabelli

MagicMarker wrote: »

If she doesn't have a right to tell her, then who does?

It's the OP who's being used to cheat on this woman, she of all people has the right to tell her. If I was the OP, I'd tell her. If we all had this stupid kind of 'oh it's not your place to tell her' logic, then this guy's GF will never find out, and may waste years of her life on this waster.

Give her the info she deserves to know and let her make her own decisions.

How do you know hes a waster and not like one of the many men who post on PI who havent had sex in a year.

LegacyUser

Hi guys, Op here, thanks for the replies.

I decided to go ahead and send her a message, I didn't add her so she may never get it but I check my "others" semi-regularly so I assumed other people do too.

It was actually those of you who advised me not to tell that convinced me to tell! I don't mean any offence but they came across as being quite callous and self-serving. In the long run it is definitely worth risking being hated by a guy I barely know and a girl I've never met! She deserves to know (I mean, even think of her physical health!) and in my opinion, he deserves to be caught. I know it will obviously be upsetting for her but less upsetting than if their relationship continued on like that for years. And if I'm being selfish; it does make me feel better about the whole thing, I obviously removed him from facebook etc, but I kept imagining how I'd feel if I was her or what I'd do if I saw they'd got engaged or something. Anyway, it's done now!

KomradeBishop

He has already involved you in their business, by sleeping with you, so go ahead and tell her - you have every right to. He also should have told you that he was with someone, you had a right to know that as well.

Either way, he has no right for this to be kept private - you don't owe him anything - and (unless it's an open relationship) he has deceived you into being the 'other person' in an affair, so you have unintentionally participated in hurting someone - you don't bear any responsibility for that, but you would be perfectly right to tell his partner, out of respect for her having being deceived (and he has deceived you as well, so you owe him no respect either) - you could also consider it 'common decency' in a sense, as most people would want to know if they have been cheated on.


Don't expect any gratitude for it, but yea you'd definitely be doing the right thing here, and can feel morally in the clear - he has already involved you in their business, so that reason (it 'not being your business') for not getting involved, doesn't cut it.

LegacyUser

Honestly I have to say fair play to you. I know there's always a massive divide in this sort of topic but I am definitely of the opinion that cheaters are the worst kind of people. You reap what you sow as they say.

If I was that girl I would want to know. I think you did the right thing anyway, I just cannot understand men/women who cheat. I'm glad I'm not one of those people!

freshpopcorn

I'd always be very careful about telling a partner about their spouse cheating on them especially if I didn't know them. Simply because I'd have no idea how the the cheater/their partner might react and it could it up fatal for them or myself.

Diamond Doll

I'm close friends with someone in a very happy loving marriage, where they have an open relationship. They can do what they want when they want, but their two rules are that they always play safe, and that they never tell each other about it, ever.

It works really well for them.

Knowing this, I'd probably be very hesitant to "tell on" someone. I know my friend would hate to know exactly who his wife is with and when - same vice versa. They've a very happy life, but just don't want to know who the other party is with, when not with them.

I'd probably just mind my own business to be honest.

MagicMarker

This little piggy wrote: »

I'm close friends with someone in a very happy loving marriage, where they have an open relationship. They can do what they want when they want, but their two rules are that they always play safe, and that they never tell each other about it, ever.

It works really well for them.

Knowing this, I'd probably be very hesitant to "tell on" someone. I know my friend would hate to know exactly who is wife is and when - same vice versa. They've a very happy life, but just don't want to know who the other party is with, when not with them.

I'd probably just mind my own business to be honest.

Ah c'mon. How common would this be? And how common would cheating be??

Using this as a reason against telling is ridiculous. And tbh if you make this life style choice then you should be prepared for the fact that someday you're going to find out SOMETHING you don't want to know.

The_Valeyard

doitell wrote: »

Hi guys, Op here, thanks for the replies.

I decided to go ahead and send her a message, I didn't add her so she may never get it but I check my "others" semi-regularly so I assumed other people do too.

It was actually those of you who advised me not to tell that convinced me to tell! I don't mean any offence but they came across as being quite callous and self-serving. In the long run it is definitely worth risking being hated by a guy I barely know and a girl I've never met! She deserves to know (I mean, even think of her physical health!) and in my opinion, he deserves to be caught. I know it will obviously be upsetting for her but less upsetting than if their relationship continued on like that for years. And if I'm being selfish; it does make me feel better about the whole thing, I obviously removed him from facebook etc, but I kept imagining how I'd feel if I was her or what I'd do if I saw they'd got engaged or something. Anyway, it's done now!

Yep, self serving about not telling.......so you feel better about telling also self serving?

Well. Either way I hope it's the end of it and doesent create a backlash and everyone can move on.

LegacyUser

Please. It's strange that you describe the people saying 'don't tell her' as being self serving and selfish as that is exactly what you are doing, you were in a friends with benefits situation but you expected it to be exclusive??! You got burned and you didn't like it so to assuage your own humiliation or guilt at being the other woman you told this woman, not out of respect for a woman that you don't know. Don't paint it any other way. You don't know what's going on in their relationship either, people cheat for all different types of reasons. If you wanted your casual relationship to be exclusive then you weren't in the right relationship and you should have walked away quietly without doing any damage and found someone who wants to commit to you.

MagicMarker

nandos5 wrote: »

Please. It's strange that you describe the people saying 'don't tell her' as being self serving and selfish as that is exactly what you are doing, you were in a friends with benefits situation but you expected it to be exclusive??! You got burned and you didn't like it so to assuage your own humiliation or guilt at being the other woman you told this woman, not out of respect for a woman that you don't know. Don't paint it any other way. You don't know what's going on in their relationship either, people cheat for all different types of reasons. If you wanted your casual relationship to be exclusive then you weren't in the right relationship and you should have walked away quietly without doing any damage and found someone who wants to commit to you.

What thread are you reading? No where does the op mention anything about wanting to be exclusive.

LegacyUser

nandos5 wrote: »

Please. It's strange that you describe the people saying 'don't tell her' as being self serving and selfish as that is exactly what you are doing, you were in a friends with benefits situation but you expected it to be exclusive??! You got burned and you didn't like it so to assuage your own humiliation or guilt at being the other woman you told this woman, not out of respect for a woman that you don't know. Don't paint it any other way. You don't know what's going on in their relationship either, people cheat for all different types of reasons. If you wanted your casual relationship to be exclusive then you weren't in the right relationship and you should have walked away quietly without doing any damage and found someone who wants to commit to you.

Oh dear. Did you get caught out for being a cheater? I don't give a sh't why people cheat, it's wrong and it's disgusting. I'm fairly certain 90% of people who have never cheated have thought about it but took the decision to fix, end or open-up their relationship before betraying the person they claim to love while risking infecting them stis. And if you do choose to cheat you should at least accept that you are probably going to end up being caught.
Now, the accusation that I did this selfishly is just frankly ridiculous. The above poster who implied that I maybe did it for the feel good factor, fair enough that's probably partially true but they idea that I did it out of revenge is laughable. Why would you even get that idea??? We met up less than once a month and I wasn't "exclusive" to him so why would I expect him to be to me? If he had said "By the way, I have a girlfriend but it's an open relationship" I would have happily kept seeing him on a casual basis but cheating is just one of those things that I'll never understand or accept as normal.

zeffabelli

doitell wrote: »

Oh dear. Did you get caught out for being a cheater? I don't give a sh't why people cheat, it's wrong and it's disgusting. I'm fairly certain 90% of people who have never cheated have thought about it but took the decision to fix, end or open-up their relationship before betraying the person they claim to love while risking infecting them stis. And if you do choose to cheat you should at least accept that you are probably going to end up being caught.
Now, the accusation that I did this selfishly is just frankly ridiculous. The above poster who implied that I maybe did it for the feel good factor, fair enough that's probably partially true but they idea that I did it out of revenge is laughable. Why would you even get that idea??? We met up less than once a month and I wasn't "exclusive" to him so why would I expect him to be to me? If he had said "By the way, I have a girlfriend but it's an open relationship" I would have happily kept seeing him on a casual basis but cheating is just one of those things that I'll never understand or accept as normal.

So you did it to gratify your own personal sense of justice to a woman you owe nothing to and triangulated in a relationship you know nothing about.

CaraMay

zeffabelli wrote: »

So you did it to gratify your own personal sense of justice to a woman you owe nothing to and triangulated in a relationship you know nothing about.

So? The boyfriend did it for a different gratifaction.

zeffabelli

CaraMay wrote: »

So? The boyfriend did it for a different gratifaction.

So what's your point? It's triangulating.... not healthy to take a position that lacks neutrality in other people's relationships.

Guaranteed bad news. Not ok.

CaraMay

He was the one creating the triangle.

newacc2015

MagicMarker wrote: »

Ah c'mon. How common would this be? And how common would cheating be??

Using this as a reason against telling is ridiculous. And tbh if you make this life style choice then you should be prepared for the fact that someday you're going to find out SOMETHING you don't want to know.

Open relationships are surprisingly common in gay relationshipa. They work for a lot of couples who have an emotional connection with their SO. But still want sex from other people. I think it's good, as they clearly love their partner. But want sex from other people. Although it wouldnt be common within the first 5 years of a relationship generally.

TallGlass

Jaysis. Imagine your one waking up to that text? If I got a text like that I wouldn't know what to think? Someone having me on, hope you sent some evidence to back up your claims.

Exclamation Marc

I just don't think it's worth the effort. As the complete outsider to their relationship and circle of friends, you're already eternally on the back foot.

If she doesn't care and they have some arrangement, you look like a jealous or burned meddling ex.

If she does care, you'll just be painted as a jealous or burned meddling ex by a guy who's clearly going to defend himself for his life and who his mates sound like they'll back up.

Just doesn't seem worth it, why expend time with it.

And if they resolve their issues, they're just gonna tell you to F off. Sure my ex went off one night with one of my mates while in a new relationship she's still in (this is someone who cheated on me after 2 years). Is she an a-hole, yep. Is it worth my time getting involved where I'm just gonna waste a lot of energy and look like a meddling ex. Hell no.

Not my problem. I hate cheaters but I ain't on a crusade. I just took the higher ground and walked away.

LegacyUser

doitell wrote: »

Oh dear. Did you get caught out for being a cheater? I don't give a sh't why people cheat, it's wrong and it's disgusting. I'm fairly certain 90% of people who have never cheated have thought about it but took the decision to fix, end or open-up their relationship before betraying the person they claim to love while risking infecting them stis. And if you do choose to cheat you should at least accept that you are probably going to end up being caught.
Now, the accusation that I did this selfishly is just frankly ridiculous. The above poster who implied that I maybe did it for the feel good factor, fair enough that's probably partially true but they idea that I did it out of revenge is laughable. Why would you even get that idea??? We met up less than once a month and I wasn't "exclusive" to him so why would I expect him to be to me? If he had said "By the way, I have a girlfriend but it's an open relationship" I would have happily kept seeing him on a casual basis but cheating is just one of those things that I'll never understand or accept as normal.

No I have never been cheated on I'm just not comfortable with black and white moralising without all the facts. If I was in a casual relationship with someone on a once a month basis I probably wouldn't feel like I owed them a statement of intentions.

"I don't give a sh't why people cheat, it's wrong and it's disgusting". If that was your belief then why did you come here to ask for advice only to slam other people's point of view. It sounds like you knew exactly what you were going to do and you just wanted to get people to slap you on the back and cheer you on. If you are worried about having stis then get yourself tested. Next time ask your casual sexual partner if they have any others?

KomradeBishop

zeffabelli wrote: »

So you did it to gratify your own personal sense of justice to a woman you owe nothing to and triangulated in a relationship you know nothing about.

Everyone is owed common decency - and that includes just the common decency of letting them know they are being screwed over as well.

I don't get dipping into the OP's motives - having a 'sense of justice' isn't a bad thing anyway, and it's certainly not selfish...(that's awfully similar to saying, that everyone who does a good thing, is ultimately doing it for selfish reasons - to feel good - which is nonsense)

People should act based on what's morally offensive, there's nothing wrong with that at all - it's definitely a strongly positive character trait.


Ultimately, all of the incredibly unlikely "what if's" that posters present, as a reason for not informing on cheaters, are irrelevant - you can't make cheating illegal, so cheating is something that requires social regulation/pressure to dissuade, and we live in a better society when people go out of their way to inform on cheaters (same with fraudsters too - very similar mindsets, a lot of crossover in character between them and cheaters) - even when you count the utterly tiny number of edge-cases where harm can happen due to this, society is still ultimately better when cheaters are informed upon (though due diligence should still be taken to minimize this harm - and in the OP's case, harm really seems incredibly unlikely).

Just like enforcement of the law will never be perfect (it leads to harm in edge cases), social enforcement of basic morals and common decency will never be perfect either - but it still leads to a better society.
The arguments people are using against informing on cheaters, are strict to the point of never informing on any cheaters, ever - if people were to follow those standards, society would undoubtedly be worse.

A lot of those arguments strongly come across as defending peoples ability to cheat as well - especially when dipping into the motives of informing on the cheater as well (ad hominem, rather than focusing on the actual morals of this specific case), for no reason.

LegacyUser

zeffabelli wrote: »

So you did it to gratify your own personal sense of justice to a woman you owe nothing to and triangulated in a relationship you know nothing about.

As someone else pointed out he "triangulated" me into the relationship. And no, obviously I feel better about telling than I would have if I just (selfishly in my opinion) kept quiet about it in order to protect myself as suggested by a lot of people here. That's what I meant by the feel good factor.

I find it difficult to believe that I am being painted as the bad guy here. I feel bad for this girl, I really genuinely do but I'm at least giving her a chance to get away from someone who clearly doesn't care much about her where as all of you would rather let her continue in her sham of a relationship for the sake of keeping your nose clean. If she doesn't believe me or chooses to ignore me, cool, that's not my problem, I've passed on the info I have and if she wants proof she can ask me for it.

As for the open-relationship thing. Yeah, that's one of the main reasons I refrained from messaging her for so long but ultimately I'd rather face the minor embarrassment than leave her in the dark. He's still the idiot who didn't tell me he's in a open relationship, so while I might look silly I'm hardly the one in the wrong. I've been with 3 people in OR's before for 2 it wasn't a problem, for 1 I wanted a relationship so I had to move on, no big deal. So the fact that he didn't mention it, to me says his SO is unaware of what he's up to.

Lux23

I think his girlfriend will be better off knowing in the long run so I would tell her, before you do it though block his number and FB profile because he could come after you in some form. He might try and make it out like you're some sort of psycho who is obsessed with him!

Oh I see it was already done.

Taltos

Mod Note
Closed as the OP has taken action this thread was set up to advice on.