Concerned about brother's weight - time for rehab?

LegacyUser

Hello everyone.

I'm very concerned about my brother's weight and the relationship he has with food. He's just turned 17 years old and weighs around 280 pounds, average height. The doctor and some family members have told him he needs to start eating better, but he just won't listen. He says that we're body shaming him and that the media have created unrealistic physical standards. Totally delusional, I know.

He spends most of the day in his room eating and watching TV shows. We live near a Supermacs and he eats there at least once a day, but often 3 or 4 times. Any money he makes he spends on food from supermarkets and chippers. I have a suspicion that he robbed a 50 euro note from me to buy food, although I have no actual evidence.

He's able to cook and when my parents are gone he spends a lot of time in the kitchen... making large homemade pizzas, and various types of pastries. Then it's off into his bedroom again where he eats everything. I went into his room yesterday and bits of chicken and ham were scattered on his bed. It was disgusting. He is also very protective about any food he buys. One day my granny was over and she unknowingly ate some cheese belonging to him, when he found out he had a total outburst and said "hurry up and die you old hag".

Everyone at school calls him "Blubber Tits" and in the past people have put packs of crisps in his bag. The last time this happened he said he didn't mind because he got a free pack of Doritos. Being totally honest, I am embarrassed to call that fat mess my brother. He makes me sick.

I've heard about fat rehabilitation centres, where fat people go to lose weight. Would I be able to get him sent to one against his free will? I think it's time we make sure he gets the help he needs, before he dies an early death.

Makapakka

Ok first of all, he is your brother and he is a human. He is not a fat mess. You are furthering him being a victim of bullying calling him those names. You might not say it to his face but I'm sure he can sense it off you.

People who are overweight are not a different species, they are the same as you and I. I say this from experience, having had and still have weight issues. It's not about being greedy or selfish. Sometimes it's more than that.

Have you actually had a real conversation with your brother about his eating habits? Have you asked him why he eats so much or what is causing his over eating? Probably not.

This to me sounds similar to food addicition. I am not diagnosing here but it could be a possibility. I had the same problem. Eating in secret, eating away from anyone else, it can be classed as an eating disorder.

What do your parents think?

He is a 17 year old boy, his self esteem is going to be rock bottom especially with the extra weight he has on and he needs love and support and not to be seen as the "fat mess" that you make him out to be.

If you are into healthy food, fitness, why don't you invite him out to join you for a walk?

Overall, only he can make the change. I know it is worrying, but if you gently guide him, he will get there. By slying suggesting he loses weight, or commenting on his food, it will just prolong the cycle (from my experience).

Just maybe have some consideration that he might be going through something and is using food as an outlet.

Magicmatilda

Sounds like he is using food as an addictive substance.

In my experience poeple use substance addictively because they cannot cope with real life and the pain and other emotions it brings up. I would not be suprised if your brother feels intense shame for his behaviour. Which of course fuels it even more.

I know how hard it is to watch a sibling harm themselves through addiction and I don't blame you for being angry. Perhaps viewing you brother as someone who is suffering from an illness may help you and him. I would not recommend that you act like this is normal for his sake. It is not. However ultimately you are powerless over your brother. He makes his own lufe choices and he will have tod eal with those consequences. The best thing you can do is learn to detatch from him. Counselling might help with that. As might Al-anon (although mostly for people living with an alcoholic, the prinicples are the same)

Finally Lionel Shriver (who wrote, we need to talk about Kevin) wrote a book called big brother. She had a similar experience to yours so reading it might help you find identification.

MagicMarker

concernedaboutfatbrother wrote: »

Being totally honest, I am embarrassed to call that fat mess my brother. He makes me sick.

Wow. What an utterly appalling thing to say about your own ****in brother.

You should be ashamed of yourself. It's no wonder he has these issues if this kind of attitude is what greets him when he gets home.

Lux23

I think what you just said about brother is pretty disgusting, but if you are generally concerned about his health maybe contact Bodywhys for more advice.

http://www.bodywhys.ie/

Taltos

Mod Note
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Abusive posts or calling out someone as a TROLL are all classified as breaches of our charter.

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Penny Tration

OP, your brother's weight is obviously a major issue. 280lbs is an incredibly dangerous weight.

However, he clearly has issues that have caused him to lock himself in his room to eat himself to death. No happy person eats to that extent!

You cannot force him to go to rehab. What you can do is discuss this with your parents, and try to figure out a way to help your brother face his issues.

Gently approach the idea of speaking to a gp about his mental and physical health. That is the most beneficial thing you can do for the moment.

As for your comment about him being a fat mess - I get that you're angry. I understand that. But he's a child. He's just turned 17. If his own family think that of him, what chance has the poor kid got? You should be trying to support him, not judging him so horribly. Until you've adjusted your attitude and can speak to him without insulting him, leave it to your parents to deal with.

I just looked up 280lbs in stone.. 20 stone. At an average height, which I'm assuming is in the range of 5'5 .. that's a pretty terrifying weight. If he doesn't kick it in the ass now at 17, it could have serious implications later in life.

Here's the thing though - it's pretty obvious that he has an eating disorder, but just the opposite of anorexia - he doesn't know when to stop eating.

Honestly, in this case, your parents are partially to blame as well. What sort of food do you usually have around the house? I get that he eats out quite a lot, but you and your family can help by limiting the amount of junk food you have around. Discuss with your parents about possibly initiating a diet, which you all have to follow. If you encourage healthy eating at home, it might impact other aspects of his life. Ensure that your parents and the rest of your family don't bring home that much junk food. It's going to take all of you to help him with this. But, like with other such conditions, ultimately it's going to be him that does the most work and it is up to him to actually get his arse going.

Point him to the likes of Board's own Fitness forum, bodybuilding.com's own forum, and Reddit's fitness subreddit (who's Wiki has some incredible resources). It might be also good for him to look at some before and after photos, which crop up on Reddit and bodybuilding.com, because they're extremely inspirational (I've seen people gone from your brother's weight to being healthy). People on any of these websites provide fantastic advice!

Tell him about websites like eatthismuch.com, which provide automatic meal plans based on specific goals and requirements and apps like myfitnesspal, which track calorie intake and exercise.

Talk to him. Don't get mad or angry or anything else - talk to him rationally. There's obviously something going on in the background that is forcing him to binge eat. See if he'll open up to you about it. But remember to be calm, not pushy, and don't lose your cool. Any of these will force him back into his shell more and more.

If he starts to work on his weight, you need to supportive of him. Chances are that it's going to be an unbelievably tough time for him and it will be a long drawn-out process.

Just to add- something that I've noticed people mention on those before and after posts is one of the things nobody really told them about is the fact that they're likely going to have a lot of loose skin, once they've lost a lot of weight. I'm definitely not saying this will 100% be the case, but it is something that will likely make him massively self concious if it does happen, so make sure you don't make him feel disgusting about it.

He's clearly unhappy. He needs support, not judgement.
He could be trying to eat his feelings about an issue, he could have a disorder.
He needs better support and help and tools to deal with whatever is causing the actual issue, not "just eat less you fat mess".
If he is also hoarding and protective he clearly has SOME kind of underlying issues that need to be dealt with.

LegacyUser

I am someone who has battled weight problems for a lot of my adult life. At the moment I'm getting professional help with it because I know I've got to shed 4 stone and I can't do it on my own.

What you must understand about obese people like me is that we know exactly what's going on. I wish I could stop thinking so much about food and craving junk like burgers, chips, crisps and chocolate. A portion of salad has never done it for me in the way a snack box or a Chinese does. Part of the help I'm getting now is to understand why I overeat and to change my habits. I've done pretty well for myself in other aspects of my life but they've all been a piece of cake in comparison to the battle I'm facing into now. The reasons why obese people gain so much weight are quite complex and not as black and white as you think they are. People overeat for many reasons and rarely is it because they're physically hungry. They eat because they're lonely, they're unhappy with their lives, they're bored, they're feeling down, they need to reward themselves, they've turned food into the only way they can comfort themselves. The list is endless.

Back to your brother. At the weight he is at, he needs professional help. However well-intentioned the suggestions of visiting the fitness and nutrition forums are, I don't believe now is the time for those. Your brother won't admit it publicly but he knows he looks like an elephant when he looks in the mirror. The bullying in school won't have helped either. I've a relative who makes snide comments about my weight and it really cuts to the bone. It hasn't made me lose any weight though, even though I feel ashamed. I just avoid him at family gatherings because my self-esteem is low enough as it is.

If you want to help your brother, you could do two things. The first is to treat him with compassion not scorn. The second is to go talk to your parents and tell them you are worried about him. Just telling him to lose weight isn't going to work. He's in denial (on the surface anyway) and he needs professional help. I think you should take a look at BodyWhy's website to understand better what's going on with your brother and how you can help. There is a page on the website about supporting someone and you should read that http://www.bodywhys.ie/supportingSomeone/

R.D. aka MR.D

Are your parents committed to helping him?

If so, then they are the ones who need to seek help for him. It might come to the point where they shouldn't give him any access to unhealthy food. If he buys it on his own then that means he has his own money. Why don't they ask him for rent so he doesn't have the money to spend?

They might just need to go down the tough love route but they should seek the guidance of professionals first.

I also think that some posters have been very harsh on you. I know people with siblings who are drug addicts and they are disgusted by them and ashamed. You can't help how you feel about such an unhealthy situation.

I hope everything works out well for you and your brother. From your post, it sounds like you are also in school so just remember that anyone who judges you based on your brother isn't a very good person.