Want to meet with guys online but worried about risks?

LegacyUser

22 year old female virgin with a pretty much non-existent social life, never had a boyfriend, and no guys in my area to meet.

The reason why I say all this is because I just want to let loose for a bit and have fun for once. I was too depressed all my teen years to make friends and go out,
so bar a couple of times towards the end of school and once a week since 2nd year with drama group,
I never really did much at all, I try to make friends in college but it is near impossible. Once college comes again, I will try to do as many extra activities as possible, but at this stage I am not holding my breath. At least with some guys I've met, I get some degree of attention and someone who actually wants to know me.

So online seems to be working OK as I am on POF, but just want to ask a few questions? The reason why I bring friends up is because
how does it look to a guy who wants a relationship if the girl does not have much mates?
Would they usually not care, or think of it as a huge red flag?
I mean I am trying my best but I am worried if they think I am pathetic or strange for that alone.

And how do I approach this if a guy wanted to just have something casual, nothing serious? Because I wouldn't say no to this, as it would be exciting to just have fun and not worry about serious **** all the time, but I wouldn't want to get pregnant or an STD, or I do worry if rumours got out (I live in a rural area, hence the lack of life experiance I am displaying here) and I suppose knowing how to spot red flags, how to tell if I guys becomes needy, etc.

Yeah I normally wouldn't confess something like this online, even anon, but I have had some wine.

LegacyUser

I could have written this post a few years ago - your circumstances were so similar to me at 23. I started online dating then and I was very lucky to have a relationship with the first guy I met. That has since ended but online dating has proven successful for me with lots of dates, no bad encounters, another relationship and I even made a very close friend from it!

Most of my friends live abroad so I don't have a massive social circle, but no guy has ever cared about that.

As for the guys who are looking for casual stuff - if that's not what you're into you can easily weed them out (there's even bit for them to specify 'no commitment' on POF).

If you're okay with hooking up with someone on the first date (or whatever) remember that you should do it only because you genuinely want to have sex and won't mind if it turns out that's all he wants.

Luckily I've never met anyone unpleasant and but to help try to avoid risk, I would advise that you talk for a while to someone before you meet them. Avoid drawn out months of conversation, but have a proper back and forth for a while at least and ALWAYS meet in a public place and avoid leaving your drink unattended etc.

athtrasna

There's an online dating group on here, a private forum. Lots of advice and experience shared. You'll find an access request link in the ladies lounge forum.

Also in the Feedback forum.

There's always risks, no matter how you meet somebody - whether it be someone you met in a pub or online, but it just depends on how aware you are of these.

Some useful tips -

Spend some time (but not too long) talking to a person
Meet somewhere public and neutral

With regards to finding someone for the casual stuff - just ask them, what are you looking for? When they ask you, just say that you're not looking for anything serious, but would be up for pretty much anything else. STIs and pregnancy.. well, if you're afraid of these, always use protection.

Dial Hard

STIs and pregnancy are risks (albeit very manageable ones) when you engage in any sexual relationship, not just ones from online. So maybe do a bit more reading up on that side of things before you take the plunge, as it were.

I'd also second Athtrasna's recommendation that you join the Online Dating Group here, it's a mine of information. You will need to register and have a postcount >50 (iirc), though.

LegacyUser

Dial Hard wrote: »

STIs and pregnancy are risks (albeit very manageable ones) when you engage in any sexual relationship, not just ones from online. So maybe do a bit more reading up on that side of things before you take the plunge, as it were.

That is true. Don't get me wrong I am not that naive and stupid about this as I know they are risks in any relationship,
it's just that when I hear of the negative sides of a "friends with benefits" fling, I hear of guys not seeming to understand the seriousness of spreading diseases like HIV just because they want to get their hole, or disappearing when you're pregnant and need help, or making you keep the baby for whatever reasons they may have.

So I should probably rephrase this, it not so much the risks of STI and pregnancy, it is the risk of getting into a fling with a guy who may not be the full shilling about these things.

Dial Hard

boredlonely wrote:

So I should probably rephrase this, it not so much the risks of STI and pregnancy, it is the risk of getting into a fling with a guy who may not be the full shilling about these things.

That's where doing your due dil and using your cop-on comes into it.

If a guy you meet is "not the full shilling" about contraception et al, then you've two choices; you become the voice of reason or you walk away. Simple as.

rcarroll

OP, why is the thought of what a guys reaction will be if you get pregnant even entering your head?? You can control this, and STD risk yourself?! I strongly advise visiting a doctor/well woman clinic or at least doing some research online.

To avoid pregnancy, take contraception (pills, coil, patch etc).

To avoid STD's and ABSOLUTELY necessary for any casual encounter, USE A CONDOM!!!! I can't stress how important this is - guys and girls are not gonna say 'oh hey I have genital herpes, wana have sex?!'....protect yourself and if a guy uses some lame excuse 'I can't come, I can't get hard, condoms are too big/small for my dick' bla bla, call him on it and say fine, I'll get sex elsewhere...please please please trust your own judgement here.

As for being worried about friends or how to keep things casual, no need - most people on the site are just normal people, they don't care if you have a small group or large group of friends - they're interested in meeting new people...communication is key - be honest with what you want, be safe and have fun!

LegacyUser

rcarroll wrote: »

OP, why is the thought of what a guys reaction will be if you get pregnant even entering your head?? You can control this, and STD risk yourself?! I strongly advise visiting a doctor/well woman clinic or at least doing some research online.

To avoid pregnancy, take contraception (pills, coil, patch etc).

To avoid STD's and ABSOLUTELY necessary for any casual encounter, USE A CONDOM!!!! I can't stress how important this is - guys and girls are not gonna say 'oh hey I have genital herpes, wana have sex?!'....protect yourself and if a guy uses some lame excuse 'I can't come, I can't get hard, condoms are too big/small for my dick' bla bla, call him on it and say fine, I'll get sex elsewhere...please please please trust your own judgement here.

As for being worried about friends or how to keep things casual, no need - most people on the site are just normal people, they don't care if you have a small group or large group of friends - they're interested in meeting new people...communication is key - be honest with what you want, be safe and have fun!

I dunno why it's just that I hear of people still falling pregnant even when using both condoms and birth control.

Thing is, I really don't think I want to have a child ever, but definitely not now. I have done research into childfree and parents regretting kids, and it ranges from being talked by various family members into having the kids, to the guy convincing the girl to get into a relationship for the sake of the kid, not giving money for abortion, basically not thinking the situation through themselves. An old friend of mine just confessed to me that her bf (which she ) forced her to live with him after she found out she was pregnant.

This may rub people up the wrong way, but I might as well admit it....if I could meet a guy who agreed and helped me with a boat trip over to England if I knew straight away i couldn't keep a baby, that would be great, but they seem to be in the minority. I am just worried and naive about these things atm, since I never really had relationships before.

Mr. Incognito

Met my beautiful OH on pof.

Living together two years now.

Go for it.

Penny Tration

boredlonely wrote: »

That is true. Don't get me wrong I am not that naive and stupid about this as I know they are risks in any relationship,
it's just that when I hear of the negative sides of a "friends with benefits" fling, I hear of guys not seeming to understand the seriousness of spreading diseases like HIV just because they want to get their hole, or disappearing when you're pregnant and need help, or making you keep the baby for whatever reasons they may have.

So I should probably rephrase this, it not so much the risks of STI and pregnancy, it is the risk of getting into a fling with a guy who may not be the full shilling about these things.

Well not many people in Ireland have HIV, and its infectious rating is very low.

You should be more concerned about Chlamydia than HIV!

As for a guy "making" you keep a baby - they can't. The choice to abort or give up any baby is your choice alone.

Tbh, if you use condoms, none of this is even an issue.

That said, I think you need to stay away from casual sex opportunities, if even the thought of it is causing you this much turmoil.

LegacyUser

Hi there. I just wanted to add my bit in.

You say you were depressed when you were a teen? Have you ever talked to anyone about this? How do you think you are coping now?

What are your hobbies? Could you join clubs that you enjoy rather than just for making friends? This way you will find people with similar interests.

As for the online dating, I think it's more luck than anything. I met my ex on it. But from being online dating for nearly five years (on and off), I have only ever met one person that I was in a relationship with.

In my opinion, you should not be looking for casual sex if you are afraid of the consequences. Sex should be enjoyable and this can only happen if you are comfortable with yourself and with the other person. I have friends who lost their virginity to one night stands and they regretted it. Being a virgin is not a bad thing. You are only 23, you have lots of time to meet someone. My friend is 27 and met her first boyfriend only a few months ago. I know how hard that is to hear at your age, but its true.

I was where you are, thinking guys will fix the problem and if you had a boyfriend/some attention, everything would be ok. But for me, it wasn't and I had to fix myself from inside before I felt ready to be loved. And I think that's what you need to decide.

That said, if you feel confident enough to have casual sex then go for it. Just make sure you use protection and stay safe. Always meet in a public place. And if a guy refuses to use protection, you can refuse sex.

Good luck.

OneOfThem

boredlonely wrote: »

I dunno why it's just that I hear of people still falling pregnant even when using both condoms and birth control.

It is possible that it can happen. But 99% of the time you've heard of that happening someone's been telling porkies. No one wants to admit they've an unexpected pregnancy on their hands because they forgot to take their pill and/or didn't bother to use a condom because they thought they'd risk it. It's extraordinarily unlikely to happen. Most of the time you've heard someone saying "I just can't explain it, I was on the pill and we used a condom but tah dah! pregnant." You're not getting an accurate retelling of events.

Keane2baMused

Be sure first off you feel comfortable enough with the person to sleep with them.

Use a condom every single time as others have said. And the pill also preferably or another method of contraception to avoid pregnancy. That really is the best you can do bar abstinence to be honest.

But on a positive note, there are happy endings from dating websites. I met my current partner just over 2.5 years ago on POF. We have a new baby and just got engaged at the weekend, couldn't be happier!