Confused

Petez

Hi all,

We are a young couple in our early 30's and are really confused at the moment.
We've had tons of discussions, tears and heartache over the past week and are looking for some external perspective on our relationship please.

We have been together for 16 years and have 3 young kids together. Lately we have been feeling we are drifting apart and that the spark is gone from our relationship. We love each other but are not sure if we are still in love with each other. Not sure if we are just staying together for the sake of our children.

We have both been faithful to each other throughout our relationship, we have never cheated on each other and have never been with anyone else. We rarely argue and generally have a very happy relationship. Things just seem to have gone a bit boring between us.

Is this something all longterm couples go through at some point or do some people just drift apart after such a long time together since such a young age?

Any advice here would be appreciated. Has anyone else been through the same thing?
If so, what was the outcome? How did you fix it, just give the relationship more time, make a big change or take a break.... or what can help?

Thanks.

CaraMay

This happens in most relationships and people stay together by wirking at it. Go to a counsellor and give your family a chance

zoobizoo

Have you read the Road Less Travelled? There's a great chapter on this exact issue:

" No matter whom we fall in love with, we sooner or later fall out of love if the relationship continues long enough. This is not to say that we invariably cease loving the person with whom we fell in love. But it is to say that the feelings of ecstatic lovingness that characterizes the experience of falling in love always passes…

However, by stating that it is when a couple falls out of love they may begin to really love I am also implying that real love does not have its roots in a feeling of love. To the contrary, real love often occurs in a context in which the feeling of love is lacking, when we act lovingly despite the fact that we don’t feel loving."

Have a read and see if there is anything in there that is similar to your own experience.

Wright

What area of your relationship do you feel is hurting the most?

Celly Smunt

This happens to everyone, do something for yourselves without the kids. Get a cheap Ryanair flight for a weekend somewhere new and share an adventure.

keavebm

We all go through it trust me 2 kids been together 13 years a couple of knights away will rekindle the romance

bee06

OP, are ye doing anything together as a couple anymore? It's very easy to fall into the routine of life especially with three small children and spend your time being parents instead of husband and wife. Take some time to be a couple and do something fun once a week or every couple of weeks. Maybe it will help you remember why you are together in the first place. And +1 for the counselling.

Petez

Thank you for all the suggestions, we've tried to get away recently for a few nights. It was a great few days away - but all seemed exactly as it was once we returned home.

We're at the stage now we've talked it over so much that we are tired of talking - feels like its making things worse now after a week of upset. We think maybe some time apart might help instead of spending even more time together... Spending some time away with our own friends (that we rarely see anymore) on nights out without each other maybe, not in each others pockets... has anyone else ever found this to work? Maybe its a case of absence makes the heart grow fonder?

We've talked about counseling - its not something either of us had considered or ever really wanted to do but if things don't improve maybe its the only thing left to try.

Thank you for all the responses - really appreciated.

zoobizoo

Petez wrote: »

We've talked about counseling - its not something either of us had considered or ever really wanted to do but if things don't improve maybe its the only thing left to try.

You are asking strangers on an internet forum for advice (which is the purpose of the forum I know but you have it higher on your list of remedies than counselling) and yet haven't considered counselling because it's something you don't really want to do......

Talk to the professionals: http://www.relationshipsireland.com/

Do it before it is the last thing left to try!