Advice needed please...

Fonze07

I have been friends with this girl for about 8 years. We met through work and immediately hit it off. We became pretty much best friends. She met someone else who we worked with at the time and they went on to get married. She found another job about 5 years ago but we still remained in touch meeting up every now and again. I did end up falling in love with her and she was the only thing I was thinking of. She eventually knew this so we agreed to have no contact so that i could try move on from her.

We went over 2 years without speaking. I was admitted to hospital for 5 weeks and eventually needed surgery so she must have heard about this and just sent me a good luck and get well message. We gradually started speaking a bit more after that and met up once which was nice. After all I hadn't seen her in over 2 years at that stage. We just kept the contact minimal still through texting.

A few weeks had passed before our last bit of chatting and she just sent me a text saying "it's private but I guess I can tell you that I moved out from home but don't tell anyone."

Why out of the blue when we don't have that much contact anymore would she tell me this? I'm now back in that place. I don't want to have these feelings but can't help how I feel. I want to be there for her. Do I just move on and forget it, be there for her or once she has completely recovered from this tell her how I feel. Only person I have ever truly loved.

magicmushroom

Fonze07 wrote: »

I have been friends with this girl for about 8 years. We met through work and immediately hit it off. We became pretty much best friends. She met someone else who we worked with at the time and they went on to get married. She found another job about 5 years ago but we still remained in touch meeting up every now and again. I did end up falling in love with her and she was the only thing I was thinking of. She eventually knew this so we agreed to have no contact so that i could try move on from her.

We went over 2 years without speaking. I was admitted to hospital for 5 weeks and eventually needed surgery so she must have heard about this and just sent me a good luck and get well message. We gradually started speaking a bit more after that and met up once which was nice. After all I hadn't seen her in over 2 years at that stage. We just kept the contact minimal still through texting.

A few weeks had passed before our last bit of chatting and she just sent me a text saying "it's private but I guess I can tell you that I moved out from home but don't tell anyone."

Why out of the blue when we don't have that much contact anymore would she tell me this? I'm now back in that place. I don't want to have these feelings but can't help how I feel. I want to be there for her. Do I just move on and forget it, be there for her or once she has completely recovered from this tell her how I feel. Only person I have ever truly loved.

First I was going to say stay away, move on with your life.
But your last sentence made me think you should probably not do that if that's how you feel.

However, I would probably give her some space and distance for at least a few months - she has a lot going on in her head and needs to sort that out herself without any interference. The last thing you want to end up is a rebound or just a shoulder to cry on.

I would stay in touch but at a distance and then maybe next year some time you could see if there is any chance of romance.

CaraMay

Stay in touch as a friend and then pounce once she is on the mend. You've gotten a second chance so bide your time and tell you him you feel. It's interesting alright she texted you to tell you she had moved out but don't read to much into it just yet.

The Princess Bride

Fonze07 wrote: »

I have been friends with this girl for about 8 years. We met through work and immediately hit it off. We became pretty much best friends.

Pretty much best friends,what a pity you had to step away from that - great friends are a rare find.

Fonze07 wrote: »

went over 2 years without speaking. I was admitted to hospital for 5 weeks and eventually needed surgery so she must have heard about this and just sent me a good luck and get well message

Seems to me like she missed the friendship and took this as an opportunity to get back in touch.Or maybe she just wanted to wish you well.

Fonze07 wrote: »

few weeks had passed before our last bit of chatting and she just sent me a text saying "it's private but I guess I can tell you that I moved out from home but don't tell anyone."
Why out of the blue when we don't have that much contact anymore would she tell me this?

Perhaps because after a friendship which meant so much, you were the one person she could tell who'd be there for her?
You could read so much into this and wonder does this mean you both will get closer etc...but right now,she needs a friend more than anything. Yes, it might be difficult for you to be there for her knowing how you still feel; but only you can decide whether or not you can do so.
Believe me, moving out isn't a decision she would've made lightly, she's gonna need all the support she can get for the immediate future.
Whatever happens down the line,who knows- for now,either be the friend she needs, or step away quietly.

orthsquel

I'd be wary... realistically you have no real clear idea what has been going on with her in the last 2 years, or in the couple of years before that in detail once she got married... I'd be worried that you are getting dragged into something when you may not be aware of various facts, issues, matters behind her leaving home, or what has been going on there, or that you'd be somehow implicated as the reason behind it when you haven't had contact with her in a couple of years. I'd also be wary of you being used as a soft touch because she is aware or at least was aware of your feelings towards her.

For now, given you have been in a vulnerable position with the surgery and all - even being in hospital or facing an illness can change your perception on things - you should only be there as a friend.

I can understand that hearing about your illness being an opportunity to get in touch, even to gauge a reception, and while I'd personally love to look at it as a situation of a 2nd round chance with her, be aware that her feelings about you may not have changed and you might just be an available and easy crutch for her in her situation. I'd also be careful that given you do have old feelings resurfacing that you firstly acknowledge them as old feelings rather than feelings of how you feel about her currently, and secondly that whatever gets further revealed to you about the last few years, be careful that you do not put yourself into the position of feeling guilt for not being there as a friend or anything like that, that you push yourself into being friends or close friends with someone whose intentions towards you are unknown - save maybe a shoulder to cry on or a friend in a time of need - or get involved in something that might be rather complicated.

Fonze07

magicmushroom wrote: »

First I was going to say stay away, move on with your life.
But your last sentence made me think you should probably not do that if that's how you feel.

However, I would probably give her some space and distance for at least a few months - she has a lot going on in her head and needs to sort that out herself without any interference. The last thing you want to end up is a rebound or just a shoulder to cry on.

I would stay in touch but at a distance and then maybe next year some time you could see if there is any chance of romance.

Thanks for your reply. Do you think I should just text her and say something like I'm going to give you some space as you must have a lot going on in your head right now but I am here for you. Or something like that? In case she thinks I am ignoring her.

Any other advice from people would be greatly appreciated too.

CaraMay

No that sounds really needy. Ask if she fancies meeting for a coffee for a chat. Just say that you we'd very sorry to hear that and that you are around for coffee this weekend to catch up.


How long have you waited to reply to her text???

Fonze07

CaraMay wrote: »

No that sounds really needy. Ask if she fancies meeting for a coffee for a chat. Just say that you we'd very sorry to hear that and that you are around for coffee this weekend to catch up.


How long have you waited to reply to her text???

She sent me the text in the morning but I got it when I finished work later that day and replied saying Of course I won't tell anybody. You know you can trust me. If you want to meet let me know. She replied this morning saying I will let you know. Just need some time

CaraMay

So leave it for a couple of weeks and text to see how she is

AprilPhilips

CaraMay wrote: »

Stay in touch as a friend and then pounce once she is on the mend. You've gotten a second chance so bide your time and tell you him you feel. It's interesting alright she texted you to tell you she had moved out but don't read to much into it just yet.

i do not think it is a second chance.
she just wants a 'friend' women always want someone to cry on their shoulder. forget love . if anything she wants a second chance to 'be friends'

Fonze07

Your replies mean a lot. Just been constantly thinking about it. If anybody else has any more input or views on this I would be delighted to read them. Thanks

PinkLemonade

AprilPhilips wrote: »

i do not think it is a second chance.
she just wants a 'friend' women always want someone to cry on their shoulder. forget love . if anything she wants a second chance to 'be friends'

I think a lot of people need shoulders to cry on when their marraiges break down, not exclusively women.

I don't think there's anything wrong with her wanting friendship from you, but you should be prepared encase this is all she wants. Also be prepared that if/when she is back in a relationship that he might not like your friendship.

I don't think you should feel obliged to her either way, do what's best for you

AprilPhilips

PinkLemonade wrote: »

I think a lot of people need shoulders to cry on when their marraiges break down, not exclusively women.

I don't think there's anything wrong with her wanting friendship from you, but you should be prepared encase this is all she wants. Also be prepared that if/when she is back in a relationship that he might not like your friendship.

I don't think you should feel obliged to her either way, do what's best for you

nothing wrong with wanting friend but op seems to think he is being given a second chance at a relationship. i doubt that

arayess

i think she is on the rebound. she mightnt know it herself.

I did something similar once after a break up ,with a good friend after a few weeks I got cold feet and ended it.
she is no longer my good friend so I'd thread carefully for your own sake.

LegacyUser

Fonze you should tread very carefully here. Let's go back to the very start. Why did you and this lady never become more than friends in the first place? What if anything has changed in the meantime? If her marriage has broken up her head will be in tatters right now. She's looking for a friendly face. Who better to turn to than a man who was a close friend and had feelings for her?

If her marriage had broken up quite a while ago I'd be thinking there might be some hope for you. But if the split is so recent I would be genuinely worried that you could become her rebound boy. That's assuming she's not just a woman reaching out to someone she sees as a close platonic friend.

Fonze07

reboundboundbound wrote: »

Fonze you should tread very carefully here. Let's go back to the very start. Why did you and this lady never become more than friends in the first place? What if anything has changed in the meantime? If her marriage has broken up her head will be in tatters right now. She's looking for a friendly face. Who better to turn to than a man who was a close friend and had feelings for her?

If her marriage had broken up quite a while ago I'd be thinking there might be some hope for you. But if the split is so recent I would be genuinely worried that you could become her rebound boy. That's assuming she's not just a woman reaching out to someone she sees as a close platonic friend.

When we first met she had a boyfriend who she eventually split up with. I'm a shy guy. Shortly after that she met the guy she eventually went on to marry. She's too good for me anyway.

I know I need to thread carefully but I want to be there for her. We have been friends for such a long time after all. Does anybody think I should text her and see how she is and to let her know I am here but will give her the space she probably needs or is it best to just wait to see when/if she contacts me again. After all I don't want her to think I don't care after her telling me that.

CaraMay

Did you not tell her that already? I'm confused.

Fonze07

CaraMay wrote: »

Did you not tell her that already? I'm confused.

I did reply once just saying I wouldn't tell anybody and that she can trust me. A few days have passed but I don't want her thinking I don't care. But then I also want to give her space and time.

CaraMay

Do text her

orthsquel

Fonze07 wrote: »

She's too good for me anyway.

Hey, don't go knocking yourself down so hard like that! Give yourself some credit for the person that you are and what you have to offer others. Maybe you meant it off the cuff about yourself in an embarrassed or truthful way but thinking of her like that indicates you've had her on a pedestal of sorts and that isn't healthy. You've been out of contact a long time, people change over time, habits and tastes change, people go through stuff that changes them... and you know she might not be that perfect individual that you were in love with. She might have changed in some ways that you may not immediately see. But you deserve to be good to yourself and think more highly of yourself OP and see that you are good enough for her, as you would be for any woman.

Fonze07 wrote: »

Does anybody think I should text her and see how she is and to let her know I am here but will give her the space she probably needs or is it best to just wait to see when/if she contacts me again. After all I don't want her to think I don't care after her telling me that.

If you really want to be there for her and you want her to know that, then do text her and let her know that you are there. However, you also need to do what is right for you too. If you think you are going to get caught up in something or get really confused about your feelings (...since you were trying to get over your own feelings for her, hence why no contact...), then you might have to consider your own self first over her own predicament. It's great and lovely to be there for other people in a time of need, but there should be a limit to the cost and effect it has on you. There is the possibility that while you may offer to be there, she may not take you up on it, she might turn to other friends or family who may be more aware or in the loop of what has been going on in her life the last few years or how she feels about herself in general.

If you find yourself worrying about her, or how she is doing, but you're not hearing from her... try and focus on your own life, your own hobbies and interests, friends, family and do stuff with them instead which is healthier.

Fonze07

orthsquel wrote: »

Hey, don't go knocking yourself down so hard like that! Give yourself some credit for the person that you are and what you have to offer others. Maybe you meant it off the cuff about yourself in an embarrassed or truthful way but thinking of her like that indicates you've had her on a pedestal of sorts and that isn't healthy. You've been out of contact a long time, people change over time, habits and tastes change, people go through stuff that changes them... and you know she might not be that perfect individual that you were in love with. She might have changed in some ways that you may not immediately see. But you deserve to be good to yourself and think more highly of yourself OP and see that you are good enough for her, as you would be for any woman.



If you really want to be there for her and you want her to know that, then do text her and let her know that you are there. However, you also need to do what is right for you too. If you think you are going to get caught up in something or get really confused about your feelings (...since you were trying to get over your own feelings for her, hence why no contact...), then you might have to consider your own self first over her own predicament. It's great and lovely to be there for other people in a time of need, but there should be a limit to the cost and effect it has on you. There is the possibility that while you may offer to be there, she may not take you up on it, she might turn to other friends or family who may be more aware or in the loop of what has been going on in her life the last few years or how she feels about herself in general.

If you find yourself worrying about her, or how she is doing, but you're not hearing from her... try and focus on your own life, your own hobbies and interests, friends, family and do stuff with them instead which is healthier.

You really do offer some really good advice. Thanks so much for taking the time out to reply. It really does mean a lot. You are right about me having to think more highly of myself. Constantly putting myself down not thinking I'm good enough. And I have had her on a pedestal. You're right about that but she is absolutely stunning.

I do have think about my own predicament. Yes I still have strong feelings for her but I do have to try put them to one side. We have been friends for a long time and I do want to be there for her should she need it but I think you are right in saying she will turn to other friends who have a better idea of the situation.

With all that said though, if she is turning to friends and family who are more in the loop with the situation why would she bother telling me in the first place?

orthsquel

You're welcome OP.

Fonze07 wrote: »

With all that said though, if she is turning to friends and family who are more in the loop with the situation why would she bother telling me in the first place?

We and you can only guess the reasoning behind it. Friends and family may or may not have known that specific detail for any reason, some very close friends or specific family members might have known more about the last few years than others so maybe only a few select people know. Or maybe she hasn't told family and friends out of embarrassment. Maybe she went with her gut feeling to trust you or that if for some reason you didn't hear from her for several weeks despite trying to contact her and you thinking it's rude of her to disappear like that, that would be why, that she didn't want you thinking it was anything to do with you. She could have been looking just to know she has an option in knowing there is a friend there, or making a meaningful connection when perhaps her life doesn't have much meaningful connections in it, or maybe she knew you would understand and have something of support or kindness to say when facing a hopeless situation.

tbh I wouldn't get too caught up on why she told you, really. She perhaps just values you as a person and trusts you with something delicate enough and perhaps just didn't want you to hear it from some other source and wonder why she didn't tell you or be hurt that she felt that she couldn't come to you.

Fonze07

Thanks for your replies. As somebody said, she is just looking for a friendly face that she knows is there for her. I know that.

But now that she has moved out and is not with him anymore, all my feelings have come flooding back. She is the only person in my life that I have ever truly loved.

Now I can't stop thinking about her.

njs030

Fonze07 wrote: »

Thanks for your replies. As somebody said, she is just looking for a friendly face that she knows is there for her. I know that.

But now that she has moved out and is not with him anymore, all my feelings have come flooding back. She is the only person in my life that I have ever truly loved.

Now I can't stop thinking about her.

Then you should walk away. You're not truly interested in being her friend, you have an ulterior motive whether you admit it or not.

Her marriage has broken down she must be in an awful amount of pain as well as the stress of the practical side-financial and legal. For all you know it's a temporary thing, that they are taking time apart to try and resolve issues. Just because she isn't living with him doesn't mean she is single and available.

Even if it's a permanent split she will need a lot of time to get over it. Have you even considered what she's going through? How painful it will be to tell everyone it's over, all the hopes and dreams they had together are gone and she has to grieve for all that!
Maybe one day it'll be the right time for you to tell her how you feel but this is not it and hanging around pretending to be her friend while secretly hoping for more isn't fair to yourself or her.

Fonze07

notjustsweet wrote: »

Then you should walk away. You're not truly interested in being her friend, you have an ulterior motive whether you admit it or not.

Her marriage has broken down she must be in an awful amount of pain as well as the stress of the practical side-financial and legal. For all you know it's a temporary thing, that they are taking time apart to try and resolve issues. Just because she isn't living with him doesn't mean she is single and available.

Even if it's a permanent split she will need a lot of time to get over it. Have you even considered what she's going through? How painful it will be to tell everyone it's over, all the hopes and dreams they had together are gone and she has to grieve for all that!
Maybe one day it'll be the right time for you to tell her how you feel but this is not it and hanging around pretending to be her friend while secretly hoping for more isn't fair to yourself or her.

I have considered what she is going through. She will be suffering a lot but I do want to be there for her as a friend. I have to support her through this difficult time.

Pretending to be her friend? That's a bit unfair to be honest.

Squire Jake

Fonze07 wrote: »

I have considered what she is going through. She will be suffering a lot but I do want to be there for her as a friend. I have to support her through this difficult time.

Pretending to be her friend? That's a bit unfair to be honest.

Just lay your cards on the table man. Be honest. What's meant to be is meant to be and will either happen or won't.

ibarelycare

Has she ever given you any indication that your feelings are reciprocated? Or has she always just seen you as a friend?

You're letting your old feelings resurface and you're leaving yourself very much open to heartbreak, so you need to decide is it worth the risk.

Fonze07

ibarelycare wrote: »

Has she ever given you any indication that your feelings are reciprocated? Or has she always just seen you as a friend?

You're letting your old feelings resurface and you're leaving yourself very much open to heartbreak, so you need to decide is it worth the risk.

No. She hasn't. But all the time I've known her she has been with someone so why would she. Not that she is single now as another poster said as she could just be spending time apart from husband for a bit. But if things don't get back on track between them then it would be the first time she has been single since we met.

I know I'm opening myself up for heartbreak all over again but can't help how I feel about her

njs030

By pretending to be her friend I meant that I get the impression you're not genuinely being a friend, you're hanging around hoping one day there will be more.
If you can continue to date, meet other people and generally continue your life then that's a different story and I apologise for being incorrect in my assumption.

Please do continue your life op and don't wait for someone who's never given the slightest inclination of being attracted to you....if it's too hard to stay in touch remember you have to mind yourself first.

Fonze07

notjustsweet wrote: »

By pretending to be her friend I meant that I get the impression you're not genuinely being a friend, you're hanging around hoping one day there will be more.
If you can continue to date, meet other people and generally continue your life then that's a different story and I apologise for being incorrect in my assumption.

Please do continue your life op and don't wait for someone who's never given the slightest inclination of being attracted to you....if it's too hard to stay in touch remember you have to mind yourself first.

Thanks for your reply and don't be sorry. I don't deny I would love to be more than friends. That's obvious but I have been a good friend to her over all these years.

I do know I have to look after myself first. I don't want to suffer heartbreak again. But I don't want to lose that friendship either

Fonze07

How long should you leave it before checking up to see if she is ok? I only replied on the day she told me about moving out but haven't been in touch with her since. Should I send a casual message asking how she is or keep my distance for the time being?

orthsquel

Going back a bit OP you did want to let her know you're there for her, so maybe just a text letting her know you're there and hoping the best for her / asking if she is ok would be fine to send now, but I would leave it at that. And I would only do it if you have the mindset of not expecting a reply back, as she could be needing the space. And tbh I would leave it at that for your own self, stop worrying about her and start moving on and doing other stuff, just so you're not letting her circumstances and the worry about it invade your thoughts or consume you. After that text though, I'd really leave her have the space then and if she contacts you, she contacts you, if not then don't stress/worry over it or seek to make further contact.

Fonze07

I did text her saying I was here for her and hope she is doing ok. She replied saying she was all good. I want to meet up with her but don't know how to go about it. I guess it's just best to give her space.

Can't stop thinking of her now

orthsquel

Giving space is probably the best thing.
All you can do now OP for yourself is move on with your life, get on with your hobbies and interests, distract yourself from thinking about her. You have been sitting on these feelings about her for a long time, you also seem to struggle with dealing with perhaps intrusive thoughts or constant thoughts about her.... perhaps it is time that you consider talking to someone professionally about having constant thoughts about her if you find yourself in such a situation where you are not living your life and not doing every day things because of constant thoughts about her. I know we can all dwell on things and over-think things, or people or situations, however at some stage you must move on. And if for some reason you aren't able to but are stuck in circles dealing with it but without any progress, then perhaps you might have to ask for additional help in dealing with constant, unwanted thoughts about her.

Fonze07

orthsquel wrote: »

Giving space is probably the best thing.
All you can do now OP for yourself is move on with your life, get on with your hobbies and interests, distract yourself from thinking about her. You have been sitting on these feelings about her for a long time, you also seem to struggle with dealing with perhaps intrusive thoughts or constant thoughts about her.... perhaps it is time that you consider talking to someone professionally about having constant thoughts about her if you find yourself in such a situation where you are not living your life and not doing every day things because of constant thoughts about her. I know we can all dwell on things and over-think things, or people or situations, however at some stage you must move on. And if for some reason you aren't able to but are stuck in circles dealing with it but without any progress, then perhaps you might have to ask for additional help in dealing with constant, unwanted thoughts about her.

She texted asking if I was working today.

Fonze07

orthsquel wrote: »

Giving space is probably the best thing.
All you can do now OP for yourself is move on with your life, get on with your hobbies and interests, distract yourself from thinking about her. You have been sitting on these feelings about her for a long time, you also seem to struggle with dealing with perhaps intrusive thoughts or constant thoughts about her.... perhaps it is time that you consider talking to someone professionally about having constant thoughts about her if you find yourself in such a situation where you are not living your life and not doing every day things because of constant thoughts about her. I know we can all dwell on things and over-think things, or people or situations, however at some stage you must move on. And if for some reason you aren't able to but are stuck in circles dealing with it but without any progress, then perhaps you might have to ask for additional help in dealing with constant, unwanted thoughts about her.

Yeah. I do think that is the way forward. No other choice

Fonze07

Well we met up for a bit. She came around to mine and we cooked dinner and had a decent chat. She opened up to me about what happened. My feelings came flooding back for her. It was so good to spend time with her again. I just want to be there for her but do you think in time I should tell her I still feel the same as I always have for her?

Taltos

Mod Note
OP - I am closing this thread.
Please do not open another thread on the topic of your relationship or feelings for this girl again.
If after 5 years of asking for this advice here you are still asking for it I can only assume one of two things, firstly that you aren't listening to the advice of the posters here and I can't allow them to be asked for the same advice over and over, or possibly you need more help that we here can give you, and if that's the case then really at this stage you need to seriously consider speaking with a professional to help you move forwards with your life in whatever way is best for you.

Apologies, but thread closed. I wish you all the best but if you start a new thread on this here (in any fashion) I will have to remove your posting rights.