Boyfriends family

LegacyUser

Just wanted some opinions on this. I'm 26 my boyfriend is 25, together nearly 3 years. Bf had a family wedding recently, despite having a plus one he didn't invite me or in fact mention the wedding to me until the week before. It's probably stupid but I am hurt by this. I feel like maybe he's ashamed of introducing me to his family, there's been other events ie a family meal organised by his brother for all their siblings and partners that I was not told about until the week after. ( he said himself that his brother asked him to invite me). I've never met his father despite him being in the next room when I've visited their house and lately his mother has stopped acknowledging if I visit, she does not even say hello, last time I visited she went upstairs and stayed there until I left. I'm not sure how to approach this with him, does it seem petty to ask him why he didn't invite me? Or should I let it go?

Barely There

Anonz wrote: »

does it seem petty to ask him why he didn't invite me?

No, it's utterly bizarre and a bit worrying that he didn't.

Ask him why.

strandroad

Why is his mother blanking you and his father avoiding meeting you?
Looks like they do not accept you and your bf is not inviting you to avoid scenes with them.

mojesius

That must very tough Op, especially after 3 years together! I don't think it's something you should let go. You need to talk to your boyfriend about it and ask him to be honest with you. I was in a previous relationship with a man whose mother used to.blank me and it was horrible. Just remember you're in the relationship with him, not his family and you should be able to work through it as a couple.

However, it doesn't sound like they've given you much of a chance or made an effort to get to know you. Maybe talk to your boyfriend and arrange a lunch out to break the ice? If that doesn't go well, at least you can say you've tried. Hope it works out

LegacyUser

mhge wrote: »

Why is his mother blanking you and his father avoiding meeting you?
Looks like they do not accept you and your bf is not inviting you to avoid scenes with them.

Hi OP here. To be honest I have no idea about his father, the impression I get is that he is just quiet and private. His mother on the other hand simply does not like me and I think would not like anyone my bf would go out with. I have spent time with her and to be honest she made some hurtful snide comments which my bf tried telling me were only her sense of humour. Before my bf and I met he was a bit of a mammys boy but he has become a lot more independant and maybe she resents me for changing their relationship.

There would have been no scenes. I am not the type of person to create a scene and would have done all I could to avoid any. Also his mother did not attend the wedding.

Thank you all for your replies, I will talk to him, this has me worried

zeffabelli

His parents are being really mean. Maybe he's ashamed of them and protecting you by not inviting you.

lazybones32

You need to talk to him about it. A good, open, honest discussion.
You're not crazy to be thinking something isn't right and I'd be more than peeved if my gf only told me about invitations offered after the event was over.

Pardon my nosiness but I'd like to hear the reasons, if you feel like sharing when you know.

LegacyUser

Thank you all for your replies. I spoke to him about the wedding and he said there has been drama at similar events before and did not want me to see that. I guess it doesn't matter now, he's just finished with me via text as he said the wedding made him realise that the whole marraige and kids thing is not something he wants

Acara

I think you are well rid of him and you deserve a lot better. Sounds like his family are totally dysfunctional. Don't make excuses for them. His father is downright rude so his son had learnt this his entire life. Of course he would text easier for him not a thought about you just like he let's his family treat you. Leave them to their miserable life and move on you and have a wonderful one with people that treat you with love and respect.

Penny Tration

Anonz wrote: »

Thank you all for your replies. I spoke to him about the wedding and he said there has been drama at similar events before and did not want me to see that. I guess it doesn't matter now, he's just finished with me via text as he said the wedding made him realise that the whole marraige and kids thing is not something he wants

Through text? Classy :rolleyes: Sounds as though you're better off without him.

You'll meet someone in time who will WANT you at these events, to show off his beautiful girlfriend.

I'm sorry it's over. Take care of yourself x

dudara

@lazybones32 - please note that requesting updates is against the forum charter. The OP is under no obligation to keep us updated. We are not voyeurs into someone's private life.

dudara

It feels like the bf was freaking out. My assumption is that he comes from a very dysfunctional family and I'm guessing there's a lot going on in the background between his parents that the OP isn't privy to. I wouldn't be surprised if something happened that caused the bf to freak out and doubt what's happening, more so than anything to do with the relationship itself. Just his parent's marriage have called into question everything he believed true. Breakup via text isn't great, but it might be because there's a lot of background stuff going on. He'll likely regret it soon.

The other part of this is.. If he tries to take you back, can you see yourself spending your life with him? After 3 years, that's sort of when those decisions get made.

LegacyUser

Deleted User wrote: »

his parent's marriage have called into question everything he believed true. Breakup via text isn't great, but it might be because there's a lot of background stuff going on. He'll likely regret it soon.

The other part of this is.. If he tries to take you back, can you see yourself spending your life with him? After 3 years, that's sort of when those decisions get made.

Thank you for your reply. You are totally right about his parents marraige, they don't communicate for days sometimes weeks despite living in the same house. As the only child living at home or near home he has had to play referee a lot. He wants to meet tonight but I'm not sure what to do. He says he doesn't want to lose me but doesn't know if he wants more than our current relationship as in any commitment. I love this guy to bits if you had asked me before this weekend if I could see myself spending the rest of my life with him it would have been a definite yes but now I'm not sure I could trust him

Magicmatilda

I would recommend against meeting tonight.

I don't care what is going on breaking up by text is inexcusable and to follow it by a request to meet.

I think you should take a few weeks and figure out if you want to be with someone who treats you this way. I can understand his reason's for not wanting you at the wedding but the fact that he is only explaining them after 3 years, at this point is questionable. He really should have explained all this before the wedding when he was invited. It sounds like he does not see you as a pratner for life, otherwise you would be at the dinners like the other "partners".

If after a few weeks you still feel like meeting him the do so. But right now your jusgement will be clouded with emotion. I suugest processing it before meeting him.

baby and crumble

TBH OP you sound like you dodged a bullet. The mother didn't attend the wedding? Bit odd. The whole family sounds really dysfunctional- I mean I know all families are in their own way, but they're just all over the place. The fact that he broke up a 3 year relationship by text is a massive red flag, and I'd definitely caution against meeting up. If he didn't want to bother meeting up to break off the relationship decently, why should you have to meet up to hear him out now?

daisybelle2008

Anonz wrote: »

He wants to meet tonight but I'm not sure what to do. He says he doesn't want to lose me but doesn't know if he wants more than our current relationship as in any commitment.

He is really pushing the boat out to win you back:rolleyes:.
Wouldn't recommend meeting, especially when he is not offering to bring anything more to the table. In fact all you are doing is putting yourself in a very demeaning position of accepting non-committal scrap of a relationship.

It is very poor form to be excluded from family and coupley events like weddings while he goes himself and doesn't even tell you, is disgraceful. Your easy going nature has given him the green light to treat you like a doormat.

All he is offering is more of the same after breaking up by text. Tell him politely to go F@ck himself. Put yourself in a positive position by not entertaining him.

Anonz

Anonz wrote: »

Thank you for your reply. You are totally right about his parents marraige, they don't communicate for days sometimes weeks despite living in the same house. As the only child living at home or near home he has had to play referee a lot. He wants to meet tonight but I'm not sure what to do. He says he doesn't want to lose me but doesn't know if he wants more than our current relationship as in any commitment. I love this guy to bits if you had asked me before this weekend if I could see myself spending the rest of my life with him it would have been a definite yes but now I'm not sure I could trust him

That sounds like an absolutely horrible situation for him to be in - no person should have to be put between your parents and act as the stopgap.

Here's what I would say - meet him tonight, but maybe he really shouldn't be in a relationship right now, because he needs to focus on his own life.

Sure, its horrible that he dumped you over text, but I really suspect that something happened to trigger that. He really should consider seeing a professional, because I'd worry that his family and that impact could potentially destroy any future relationships. It's essentially leading him to have commitment issues.

I'd assume that as an only child, as you mentioned, then it means that his only experience of married life is from his parents, so his very grounding is based on a dysfunctional relationship.

milli milli

The way I read the situation was a man who was unsure of his feelings for you, perhaps he told his parents and they were avoiding you because they felt awkward.
It turns out he is unsure. Forget the 'dysfunctional family' part. He has made his feelings clear. He is not willing to offer a commitment. Of course he doesn't want to lose you, you were part of his adult life for 3 years. But he is not willing to offer you anything substantial and you should heed this. Please don't meet up with him, make a clean break.

I'm sorry if this sounds like harsh advice OP. Believe me I fully sympathise with you, I have been in your situation and I did meet up and continue a relationship with a non-committal man for years, only for it to end in nothing.
Looking back it would have been better and healthier to have made a clean break instead of delaying the inevitable and prolonging the devastation.

And I made the 'dysfunctional family' excuse, thinking he's a victim of circumstance. I can change him! But you can't make excuses for people. At some point in our lives we take responsibility for ourselves and our baggage. He's not in that place now.
Please move on and find someone who deserves you.

Best of luck OP

Augme

I think people are being a bit harsh here. Coming from a dysfunctional family can be a very very tough thing to deal with and one of the hardest things to do is let people know your family is dysfunctional mainly because of the reactions people have and you can see them already in this thread.

His father is downright rude so his son had learnt this his entire life.

People often automatically assume that if your parents are ****'d up then it must mean you are as well. If your parents are rude and ignorant than you must be too because they raised you and "teached" you to be rude and ignorant. Knowing that this if often how people think makes it very difficult for someone to tell other people about their dysfunctional family, especially girlfriends. It's very much a case of you don't want to tell them because you're afraid they will think badly of you and you worry that they might look at you differently.

Leave them to their miserable life and move on you and have a wonderful one with people that treat you with love and respect.

This is another problem. No one wants to marry into a dysfunctional family - no one wants a horrible mother in law or Father in law. So telling someone you have a dysfunctional family is often putting your relationship in big jeopardy. If you love someone you don't want to risk your relationship so you often keep it to yourself and try to cover it up as best you can - have them avoid calling over, avoid inviting them to family events etc.

You'll meet someone in time who will WANT you at these events, to show off his beautiful girlfriend.

This is very easy to say if these events go well and are always happy occasions. How many people here would be delighted at the prospect of showing off their girlfriends at family events that end in rows/fights/very poor behaviour? I doubt many would. The reason people don't invite girlfriends is to protect their girlfriend and for self-protection. Having your partner sit there and watch while your family behave horribly is very embarrassing and one of the most humiliating experiences you can have in life.


When you reach a point where you have to spill the beans on your family it can scare the **** out of you. So much that you come to the conclusion that it's better to break up. Often for the following reasons:

- to avoid the embarrassment/humiliation. As I said this is not something anyone wants to admit.
- for your partner - sounds a bit strange but often you feel guilty for "inviting" a partner into this situation.

These quotes above are actually quite similar to how you can feel.

Leave them to their miserable life and move on you and have a wonderful one with people that treat you with love and respect.

Sounds as though you're better off without him.

Quite often you think someone they love deserves better and deserves to find a partner who has a great family who won't cause you lots of stress and difficulty. No one really wants to put their partner through any pain or difficulty so the best way to avoid this is by breaking up with them.

- Maybe you are like your parents? When you reach a certain point and serious commitment is on the cards this can send you into a panic. The biggest fear is that you will turn into your parents. When you grew up with a married couple who don't get on than the idea of marriage is not the happy bright prospect it is for most people.


I've no idea what your boyfriend is like. He might be an asshole. However I thought some advice from the other side of the situation might help.

daisybelle2008

Deleted User wrote: »

I'd assume that as an only child, as you mentioned, then it means that his only experience of married life is from his parents, so his very grounding is based on a dysfunctional relationship.

He is not an only child, OP says in her first post that his brother had organised a meal for 'all their siblings and their partners' which he never told her about or invited her too even though his brother expressly asked for her to be there.

daisybelle2008

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

He is not an only child, OP says in her first post that his brother had organised a meal for 'all their siblings and their partners' which he never told her about or invited her too even though his brother expressly asked for her to be there.

Apologies, misread the post! He's the only child at home, not only child.

Edit:

Just to add- it still applies - he's the only one at home, so he sees this every day and the way they are at home. Could he possibly move out of home? Is there anything stopping him from doing so?

LegacyUser

OP here, thank you all for your replies and comments, it's definatley has given me a lot to think about. I know it's probably a bad idea but I think I will meet him tonight. I think I need to get answers for myself. I need to know how a guy who just a few weeks ago wrote me a beautiful card telling me how much he loved me and that he knew we would have many happy years ahead suddenly changes. Just last week we were talking about building a house together. Since that wedding however he's been different and I think something happened. On the whole text message thing he asked to meet up tonight to talk and I knew something was wrong, it was me who pushed him for answers. My head is all over the place today

PinkLemonade

If you care for him, try suggest to him counselling, it sounds like he's been trying to manage a lot of stress because of his family and it's all falling down around him right now. I'm not suggesting you deserve to be treated as badly as you have, but sometimes people on bad situations don't think clearly.

It's probably for the best for you both to get some distance after your talk today.

LegacyUser

OP I could've written your post 20 years ago.
Instead I ignored the writing on the wall and married the man I loved.
We had a beautiful family but alas the dysfunctional family never was far away and it became so bad that we split this year.
Counsellors told my former husband that his family were toxic but he just couldn't make the break away.At a funeral earlier this year there 2as a bust up and my children actually grew up with a cap relationship with cousins and th ose grandparents who didn't even care that they existed.
yes,th is might have no relevance on your future with this man if ye get back together, but I can never turn back the clock and hive my kids their childhood again

You're boyfriend might love you lots but I strongly believe there's no way forward without dealing with the reality of what is surrounding him .

kylith

Just be aware, OP, that if you take him back all you have to look forward to is years and years of the future being exactly like the past. You won't be included in any family events, there is no prospect of marriage or children. You're only 26, is that really how you see your future?

daisybelle2008

OP, it's one thing going out with someone who treats you so horribly, but the really concerning thing is you thinking it is 'petty' to even bring it up.

Your self confidence seems low and your boyfriend is treating you awfully. It is one thing if he came from a dysfunctional family and treated you respectfully (might be acceptable), but he is a sh*tty boyfriend from a sh*tty family who doesn't even want to commit and dumps you by text, absolutely no redeeming features.
Have you seen the wedding invite? I'm curious because after 3 years I beleive your name was on that, it is absolutely scummy of him to ignore you like that. I don't beleive for a minute he was concerned there would be a bust up (at a wedding?) even if there would be surely you could handle that. I think he may have cheated on you or wanted to get off with someone, that is why he is acting so shady since. He isn't fully committed to you so hopes to meet someone else at these events an or show he is young free and single.

LegacyUser

My family brother vs sister aunts vs aunt vs father can make family events for me a nightmare and my mother.
My siblings(who are highly educated) constantly bicker and fight and my father doesn't help along with my aunt family events for me can be an nightmare. Everything I've been to on my father's side of the family generally ends up in a fight and people getting upset.
These are the reasons why I never bothered getting into serious relationships because I know they would need to meet my family and come to events and to be honest it wouldn't be fare to put somebody through these things in my opinion.
Growing up I never had a friend in my house for this and other reasons. Never had an 18th or 21st because of the constant bickering with my family.

ibarelycare

I wonder if he cheated on you at the wedding It sounds similar to a situation I was in a years ago. Was totally blindsided when my ex broke up with me, told me he didn't love me any more and that he wasn't in the right place to be in a relationship.

It transpired that he cheated on me and, instead of telling me about it at the time, he broke up with me because he felt it was the "nicer" thing to do and that I deserved to move on and be with someone who wouldn't do that.

It just seems strange that your bf's behaviour would change so drastically and so suddenly. Hope things go ok when you meet him OP.

There's no denying that something happened between then and now. Hopefully everything goes as OK as possible when they meet!

LegacyUser

OP here, thank you all for your replies and comments. I did meet with him last night, I felt I needed answers if only for some peace of mind. The wedding does in fact seem to have been the catalyst which started this off. There were a number of incidents which caused him to call into question what he wants from his life and whether he wanted a family. I have always been clear to him what I wanted from life.

We talked for ages, I told him my feelings, how hurt I was by his recent events etc. It turns out the situation for him at home has deteriorated a lot more than he let me know and he's been trying to deal with that. We agreed to take a break for a week or two to let us both clear our heads and decide what we want. I'm not sure whether I did the right thing or not but this morning I emailed his sister who he is fairly close to. I have never seen him so down and upset, My worry is that he will internalise all this and have no one to talk to, so I explained and asked her to keep an eye on him. She like the rest of their siblings has recognised and left the toxic situation at home and I guess I'm hoping her experience will help him.

I feel much better today I know I have done all I can to save this relationship, the ball is in his court, if he decides he is willing to make a go of this and try and resolve his issues then I think we may try to work things out. But if not I will be heartbroken to walk away but at least I tried