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Commitment issues long after abusive relationship.

  • 06-08-2015 3:17pm
    #1
    Cashy87
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8 ✭


    Hi everyone i just need a little advise.

    About 6 years ago I was in a terrible relationship with a man who was and still is my first love. The relationship was very very unhealthy and after two and a half years of it eventually we broke up for good. He was very verbally and emotionally abusive, cheated on me with his ex and im only guessing others too. It's very hard to explain it especially after 6 years of not seeing each other but it took it's toll on me mentally and physically. I remained single for about 2 years, didn't date and just tried to get my health back on track.. did a bit of travelling and got some sanity back lol.

    So I decided I wanted to date again and eventually met a guy, we dated and things moved very quickly, I fell pregnant and things fell apart. Long story short he wasn't as angelic as he made out and turned out to be a complete psycho. I ended things and moved on.

    So im now a single mother, he has nothing to do with my daughter, by choice. I have now been single for 3 and a half years. I had no desire to meet anyone up until recently.

    I met a lovely guy, we dated a couple of times and I called things off. Was to frightened to take things any further. After a couple of months he messaged me and asked me to meet again so I agreed as I was thinking about him a lot. But again after a few dates i called it off. We have remained friends and chat but I think about him a lot.. and I smile as I do. I really like him and he knows my story, about my daughter and is very sweet about it.

    My problem is when I actually get to be with him i can not open up and let myself be comfortable. I am constantly looking for excuses to run for the hills.... And then I regret it. I know I'm going to end up lonely if I don't get over this problem.

    I don't trust myself to make the right choice when it comes to men and therefore have stayed away from them for a long time now. I really need help to get past this issue. How do I move on from being afraid.

    Any advice or anyone in a simular situation who has over come it?

    TIA


Comments

  • #2
    retro:electro
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 21,039 ✭✭✭✭retro:electro


    You deserve happiness op, why are you denying youself that? Have you thought about counselling in order to help you get over the issues you still have from your previous relationships?


  • #3
    Cashy87
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8 ✭Cashy87


    anna080 wrote: »
    You deserve happiness op, why are you denying youself that? Have you thought about counselling in order to help you get over the issues you still have from your previous relationships?

    Thank you for your reply. I don't do it on purpose, it just something that happens. I know I need to change my attitude to relationships as the couple i have been is were just so bad. It's what I expect from them now. To go bad and get hurt.


  • #4
    zeffabelli
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,516 ✭✭✭zeffabelli


    Cashy87 wrote: »
    Thank you for your reply. I don't do it on purpose, it just something that happens. I know I need to change my attitude to relationships as the couple i have been is were just so bad. It's what I expect from them now. To go bad and get hurt.

    I'm the same as you, can't be vulnerable. Don't know what you do about it though... all you see is the danger.

    Looking forward to seeing more responses to this.


  • #5
    Cashy87
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8 ✭Cashy87


    zeffabelli wrote: »
    I'm the same as you, can't be vulnerable. Don't know what you do about it though... all you see is the danger.

    Looking forward to seeing more responses to this.

    Thank you for your reply. I know that feeling. The fear is so intense that i usually just cut ties with the guy and run.

    But over the past couple of weeks i have realised something. After talking with friends and family who have seen it happen over and over again I came to the conclusion that I have to face the fear head on. I can't keep running because it will always be a cycle in my life. I did a lot of research on the subject and have a link i will pm you. It made so much sense to my situation anyway.

    So I messaged the guy that I was seeing, which is a first for me.. and we met up yesterday and it was lovely. Today I feel anxious but this is the hard part.. not to run.. and I won't.. I think the fact that i now see what other people were seeing all along.... Im aware of my behaviours..

    There is one part in the article that applies to me. No matter how attractive the guy is when the fear kicks in he becomes repulsive to me.. isn't that Horrible? My mind turns him into a beast.. but im going to stay calm and meet him again tomorrow :-)

    Wish me luck :-)


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