Weird issue - is this unreasonable of me?

Chemical Byrne

Hi folk. Bit of a bone of contention of late with my gf (we're 29/30). Basically we both live in a houseshare arrangements and last weekend we were cuddling in bed at mine and things started going towards sex. I was aware that one housemate was in the next room and when told her maybe not this time in case they heard us. I thought this was reasonable as no-one wants to hear people having sex, not that we're loud were pretty quiet, and I'd be mortified if they did hear anything.

She seemed to get into a bit of a sulk over it and expressed her annoyance that "i'm allowing" the housemates' presence to decide when we can/can't have sex. I said it's because I don't want anyone to hear us and I'd not be comfortable with it. She thinks there's nothing weird about it and doesn't seem to accept that I do. I don't see why she's making a fuss, what's the big deal?

magicmushroom

Could you not have just done it quietly?!

eviltwin

If you both live with other people you're going to have to get over it or how else will you ever have sex? I doubt anyone would hear unless the walls are paper thin or you're particularly noisy. And if they do hear so what?

OneOfThem

Part and parcel of house sharing as an adult is that people will be having sex in the privacy of their bedrooms. As long as you're not completely taking the piss (clattering the headboard against the wall and screaming the place down at 3am on a school night) then there's nothing to be mortified about. Your room mate doesn't think you're in there with the girl discussing politics.

Chemical Byrne

Hey.

No, I would find it extremely unnerving knowing someone else was merely a few feet away and might hear or, even worse, be listening.

We are very quiet when we do it anyway, no dramatics, but I just prefer when we have my place to ourselves. I only feel this way at my place though because sound actually seem to travel a lot in this house. It's got wooden floors upstairs and you can hear every footstep between the rooms.
Her place seems to be much better built with concrete floors and carpets upstairs and sound doesn't travel at all and her bed doesn't squeak as much as mine will and I have no issue doing it at hers even when the others are in, you won't even know they're there even if they're talking and moving around.

Do I have a reasonable point here or am I over the top about it?
Is she right to be upset or is she making too much of a deal about it? I think she is. My take on it is we can just wait till we're on our own or when we're at hers but my instinct is that she has taken it personally or something :? If the situation were reversed I'd be OK with it. I'm a bit upset that she doesn't take my concern seriously. And whether I'm being reasonable about it or not, the fact is I'm not happy doing it when others might hear and I feel she should accept and respect that and not make me feel guilty for it by sulking and then dismissing it as silly.

retro:electro

So what if people hear? I doubt they're listening with a glass pressed up against the wall. If they heard anything they'd more than likely put in headphones or turn up their tv louder. Honestly I can't believe you're on here yet again discussing the sex life of yourself and your girlfriend. I know more about your sex life than those of my closest friends. Tbh you both seem to be prudish when it comes to sex.

Dial Hard

Chemical Byrne wrote: »

Do I have a reasonable point here or am I over the top about it?

CB, at the risk of sounding overly blunt, you appear to be over the top about every single aspect of sex and your sex life. You need to talk to a professional, because it's not normal to have as many issues around sex and romance as you do. Sorry.

prettyrestless

Could you not just put on some music and go for it? If you live in a house share and don't like having sex when your housemates are home how do you ever have sex??

Chemical Byrne

Thinking rationally I know no-one will intentionally listen. It's just I'd be terribly embarrassed if I knew someone heard us. Guy I was in college with came in late one night with a girl and they were rediculously loud, banging, groaning the whole 9 yards. I was disgusted and appalled.

The walls are actually paper thin. (****ty celtic tiger timber frame house) I couldn't put on music as the noise would travel and it would be inconsiderate to housemates and neighbours to have music blaring at night.

Housmates are usually gone come friday so weekends I'm OK with at mine. We have the odd sleepover during the week too but housemates are there so no sex. Often spent a weekend night at her's too but not during the week as it's awkward as it means an extra long drive to work.

Jimmy Bottlehead

Chemical Byrne wrote: »

Thinking rationally I know no-one will intentionally listen. It's just I'd be terribly embarrassed if I knew someone heard us. Guy I was in college with came in late one night with a girl and they were rediculously loud. I was appalled.

The walls are actually paper thin. (****ty celtic tiger timber frame house) I couldn't put on music as the noise would travel and it would be inconsiderate to housemates and neighbours to have music blaring at night.

Housmates are usually gone come friday so weekends I'm OK with at mine. We have the odd sleepover during the week too but housemates are there so no sex. Often spent a weekend night at her's too but not during the week as it's awkward as it means an extra long drive to work.

As Dial Hard said, you have more hang-ups than is usual. And that's ok. But forcing your issues on your girlfriend isn't.

Speaking from experience, you need to either talk to a professional or accept you're gonna drive this girl away.

Meauldsegosha

OP what are you going to do when you have a child? Never have sex again because they will be in the same house and could hear.

eviltwin

OP are you sure you're not using this as an excuse to avoid sex?

retro:electro

Chemical Byrne wrote: »

Thinking rationally I know no-one will intentionally listen. It's just I'd be terribly embarrassed if I knew someone heard us. Guy I was in college with came in late one night with a girl and they were rediculously loud, banging, groaning the whole 9 yards. I was disgusted and appalled.

The walls are actually paper thin. (****ty celtic tiger timber frame house) I couldn't put on music as the noise would travel and it would be inconsiderate to housemates and neighbours to have music blaring at night.

Housmates are usually gone come friday so weekends I'm OK with at mine. We have the odd sleepover during the week too but housemates are there so no sex. Often spent a weekend night at her's too but not during the week as it's awkward as it means an extra long drive to work.

What is there to be disgusted and appalled about? Sex is normal and natural. I'd be a bit like "jaysus they're a bit loud tonight aren't they", and turn over and go to sleep. Now if he was at it that loudly every night that would be different and it would be inconsiderate to be so noisy, but one night? Neither disgusting or appalling. Your issues surrounding sex aren't normal.

Taboola

Since you've a previous history of withholding sex when something is bothering you she probably thinks she's done something wrong.

Chemical Byrne

I'm not prudish imo. I don't think I'm using it to avoid sex, I really enjoy it and totally was up for it but I think it should be completely private and no-one else should have to hear it.

OP what are you going to do when you have a child? Never have sex again because they will be in the same house and could hear.

Well I don't know. But sex aside, what I do know is I'd be building/buying a proper concrete house not this papier mache celtic tiger craic.

Dude, I know its totally OK and natural and everything but the thoughts of hearing it or being heard creep me out. I'd be mortified in either situation.

Whether my position is reasonable or not I feel a bit annoyed that she was so dismissive of how I felt and told me to just ignore them. Bad form I thought.

retro:electro

How long are the two of you together now? Not even a year right? Ye should be in the throws of it all and ripping the clothes off one another the second ye are in the mood. I remember being in that phase and I wouldn't have given a fiddlers who was in the house.

eviltwin

If you're in bed they all probably assume you are doing it anyway. Might as well have some fun while you're there.

ibarelycare

I feel sorry for your gf if you have to schedule sex for when no one's around. Where's the romance and spontaneity? Your housemates are presumably adults, you've said yourself you're quiet enough so the most they're going to hear is the squeak of a bed, I'm sure they've heard much worse. If it's THAT bad, just throw a duvet on the floor and do it there. My ex and I used to do that if we were having sex late at night as his bed was unbelievably squeaky...it would wake you up if you as much turned over while asleep. We just did it that way so we wouldn't wake his housemate but if it was during the day we'd just stay on the bed.

Anyway, what's to be embarrassed about? Are you embarrassed for them to know you have sex? What do you think they think goes on when you and your gf are in your room together?

tinz18

Chemical Byrne wrote:

Whether my position is reasonable or not I feel a bit annoyed that she was so dismissive of how I felt and told me to just ignore them. Bad form I thought.

You need to realise that it taking this stance you're being dismissive of her feelings too OP. Neither me liked or my bf liked our housemates hearing but we just tried to be quiet. I wouldve been very put out if he had enforced rules such as "only when the house is empty" when in his house when he had absolutely no issues when at mine. Its a case of i felt that he had no issue with me having to deal with any potential embarrassment of being overheard but he didnt want to deal with it himsef.
Honestly OP when I saw you start another thread I thought oh crap what is it this time. I'm quite a reserved person myself when it comes to sex but I honestly think you need to talk to someone to help you figure out your hang ups both about sex and relationships otherwise your relationship won't be a very healthy one.

cactusgal

Eh, I know I'm in the minority here, but I'd be the same as you. My last house share had paper thin walls, so my housemate and I had our boyfriends over on different days to give each other privacy. Everyone lived nearby, so it wasn't a big deal to be able to give each other space. I'm living with my boyfriend now so all's OK, but when in a house share, I didn't want to hear other people having sex, and vice versa. My boyfriend likes his privacy, too, so he'd be the same. I don't think your girlfriend should make you feel bad about it, but again, I'm in the minority, so I can see why she might be annoyed, as I guess most people have sex while their housemates are home.

I'm well aware that I'm much more prudish than most, but I'm ok with that.

elfy4eva

If you're in a house share. Hearing a bit of sex is part of the package.

Any normal room-mate would not give a flying fcuk.

Stheno

Chemical Byrne wrote: »

I was aware that one housemate was in the next room and when told her maybe not this time in case they heard us. I thought this was reasonable as no-one wants to hear people having sex, not that we're loud were pretty quiet, and I'd be mortified if they did hear anything.

She seemed to get into a bit of a sulk over it and expressed her annoyance that "i'm allowing" the housemates' presence to decide when we can/can't have sex. I said it's because I don't want anyone to hear us and I'd not be comfortable with it. She thinks there's nothing weird about it and doesn't seem to accept that I do. I don't see why she's making a fuss, what's the big deal?

Chemical Byrne wrote: »

No, I would find it extremely unnerving knowing someone else was merely a few feet away and might hear or, even worse, be listening.

We are very quiet when we do it anyway, no dramatics, but I just prefer when we have my place to ourselves. I only feel this way at my place though because sound actually seem to travel a lot in this house. It's got wooden floors upstairs and you can hear every footstep between the rooms.
Her place seems to be much better built with concrete floors and carpets upstairs and sound doesn't travel at all and her bed doesn't squeak as much as mine will and I have no issue doing it at hers even when the others are in, you won't even know they're there even if they're talking and moving around.

Do I have a reasonable point here or am I over the top about it?
Is she right to be upset or is she making too much of a deal about it? I think she is. My take on it is we can just wait till we're on our own or when we're at hers but my instinct is that she has taken it personally or something :?

Chemical Byrne wrote: »

Thinking rationally I know no-one will intentionally listen. It's just I'd be terribly embarrassed if I knew someone heard us.

Chemical Byrne wrote: »

Dude, I know its totally OK and natural and everything but the thoughts of hearing it or being heard creep me out. I'd be mortified in either situation.

Whether my position is reasonable or not I feel a bit annoyed that she was so dismissive of how I felt and told me to just ignore them. Bad form I thought.

I've said it before to you on your threads, but this is another control thing you have going on, in your mind, sex should take place at a proscribed time and in ideal conditions, and if those are not there you won't do it.

Everyone of your posts that I've quoted above speak negatively about some aspect of sex.

You need help, and not here, where despite saying about six weeks ago that you'd not post here again, you are back going into a lot of detail about how you feel about sex and your girlfriend.

I think you need to see a counsellor to deal with your issues, you come across as quite controlling both in deciding what to do in the situation, and your reaction to your gf being negative about your decision. Additionally despite you saying sex is natural, your posts are extremely negative about it happening in houseshares.

If you ever get to have children, expect them to walk in on you doing it, hear you etc.

Penny Tration

The only advice I can give you is this -

Speak to a doctor.

Start respecting your girlfriend. You've told us so much about your relationship and sex life, it's scary. It's disrespectful to her and an absolute invasion of privacy to post so much about her on a public forum.

Seek help.

njs030

Op enough people have said that you have a strange attitude to sex so I'll just say I agree and leave it at that.

In any relationship there's niggles and irritations, people get annoyed and sulk or snap at each other. The trick to being somewhat happy is knowing when to ignore it and walk away, and when to deal with it.
Your attitude here seems that you want us to agree with you that she shouldnt have been annoyed with you- what does that achieve? Will you feel better if strangers validate you?

You come across as controlling, very intense and quick to be insulted. You sound like awfully hard work and you will lose this woman if you don't sort yourself out.

Yes, it's perfectly ok for her to be annoyed you rejected her. She's not a robot and doesn't have to control her emotions to suit you. And yes its very strange you dont want to have sex with her in a house you pay to live in.

Stheno

notjustsweet wrote: »

In any relationship there's niggles and irritations, people get annoyed and sulk or snap at each other. The trick to being somewhat happy is knowing when to ignore it and walk away, and when to deal with it.
Your attitude here seems that you want us to agree with you that she shouldnt have been annoyed with you- what does that achieve? Will you feel better if strangers validate you?

You come across as controlling, very intense and quick to be insulted. You sound like awfully hard work and you will lose this woman if you don't sort yourself out.

Yes, it's perfectly ok for her to be annoyed you rejected her. She's not a robot and doesn't have to control her emotions to suit you. And yes its very strange you dont want to have sex with her in a house you pay to live in.

I'm very quick to admit I'm a controlling person, I like to know what is happening and when, and when my OH deviates in any way from it I go slightly nuts. I don't post on personal issues, as i'd need my own forum for it

However I've learned how to deal with it over the years, my birthday is coming up, and my OH has no clue what I'd like as for the most part, I'm lucky that I can buy whatever I want, and I'm picky. So this year, I've said to OH, this is what I want to do, this is the present I'd like, and here is where I'd like to go for dinner.

He knows in advance what will make me happy, he's happy that he knows what I'd like, and I'm happy that I''ll have an occasion I'll like, within a budget we've agreed. It makes for a happy life.

OP has previously posted about a very toxic relationship that he stayed in for financial support, while withholding sex in the relationship, previously posted about concerns that his current gf would not have sex, and now is posting that he doesn't want it.

He is seriously conflicted and at his age extremely immature when it comes to relationships, and desperately needs some guidance from a professional. At an age when most people would be considering looking for a life partner, he needs reassurance from strangers on the web anytime something does not go his way.

njs030

Stheno I agree with you, I have read the ops previous threads and there's a huge amount of over thinking.

However I do wonder is the op very anxious rather than, or as well as controlling. A lot of anxious people have to control everything to feel safe and have a tendency to overthink.
I'm like that myself and would worry myself into a frenzy and almost be looking for reasons to end my (very happy) relationship because of things that COULD happen. Luckily my oh is supportive and will talk through things if I get a bit overwhelmed.

Stheno I also give a list of presents I'd like....it's the only way everyone is happy

Stheno

notjustsweet wrote: »

Stheno I agree with you, I have read the ops previous threads and there's a huge amount of over thinking.

However I do wonder is the op very anxious rather than, or as well as controlling. A lot of anxious people have to control everything to feel safe and have a tendency to overthink.
I'm like that myself and would worry myself into a frenzy and almost be looking for reasons to end my (very happy) relationship because of things that COULD happen. Luckily my oh is supportive and will talk through things if I get a bit overwhelmed.

Stheno I also give a list of presents I'd like....it's the only way everyone is happy

I'd love to be like my OH, someone easy to buy for who loves just the smallest surprise Now I like surprises, but am that bit harder to surprise

Whether it's anxiety the op suffers from, or a severely controllinig personality or anything else, he needs to seek help

At this rate he will never have a good supportive relationship

When I look at my OH, even when I'm annoyed, the goodness far outweighs the bad, support when I am travelling, taking care of me when I am sick, being considerate if I am overworked, learning to take care of doing dinner when I am too busy, cleaning the house if we are having people over

Nothing to do with sex, but all adding to it. OP never posts about the overall relationship (apart from a thread or two about his gfs medical condition which was completely ott) but always about sex. He appears to have no understanding of how relationships work

LegacyUser

I have to agree with the OP on this one, I'm with my fiancÃ႒© years now but I was always a bit prudish when it came to having sex in his place which was a houseshare. He lived in another country with other Irish lads, his place was so paperthin you could hear someone boil the kettle downstairs. Now I was all for it once people were out or if there was loads going on in the house where the Noise of us wouldn't be so obvious. Probably sounds weird to others but the thought of being heard having sex is horrifying to me! I got to know his (all male) housemates well and we all had a bit of banter, I would hate to make anyone feel awkward or uncomfortable in their own home by making them listen to us having the ride! My partner would try his luck of course and we would often do the Ã႒¼ber silent, ninja jump but where's the fun in that?! I feel it's much better to be totally relaxed and enjoy the moment without worrying about his buddy's hearing us next door. Now we've bought our own place and have a daughter, her room is across the hall and thankfully, we don't need to worry about being heard.

Exclamation Marc

I wouldn't be embarrassed at all OP, there's literally nothing to be embarrassed about.

As an adult who's paying for their accommodation, unless you're being unreasonable and screaming the walls down at 3am in the morning, you're more than entitled to do what you want in your room. And also, I can't imagine your housemates acting the same way or even caring about it.

Sure, I wouldn't necessarily choose to hear my housemate going at it in his room with someone (and it's my property) but if he did, have at it. He's paying his way and it's none of my business. If I ever had a problem with it from the point of view of the person hearing it, I can just leave the apartment for a bit, move to a different room, turn the TV up slightly or stick on some headphones. The guy of age, he's not being disruptive and he's entitled to have it off with whoever he wants.

If you were living at home with your parents it would be one thing, but you're not. You're living with another person who has sex too and more than likely doesn't give a monkeys about who can hear once he's not going over the top. Stick on some music and live life.

Stheno

FireballPitcher wrote: »

Stick on some music and live life.

Ops problem appears that he lives a very conscripted life.

Exclamation Marc

Stheno wrote: »

Ops problem appears that he lives a very conscripted life.

Well then OP is going to force his other half away as no other half is going to be happy having their sex life dictated by whether someone's housemate is in the house.

Stheno

FireballPitcher wrote: »

Well then OP is going to force his other half away as no other half is going to be happy having their sex life dictated by whether someone's housemate is in the house.

Given the trauma and amount of threads from OP over what is a six month old relationship, it's probably best for him if it ended.

If I'd that amount of trauma in the seven years I'm with my OH I'd be long gone.

Putting it blunty, OP needs to grow up.

Mozzeltoff

OP, myself and my OH are sharing a house. Our house mate happens to be OHs older sister. Do you think that bothers us? Not a hope!! Yeah, I know it's kinda awkward but tbh, we've all got bigger issues and worries than "Oh we can't have sex because she might hear us!" Let it!! It doesn't stop us and we don't care. We're very quiet anyway but if she did hear us, so be it. She's bought a few guys home with her, we only know because we'd meet them just as they were leaving. Do you think we care? No. She got the ride. Good for her.

You come across pretty self absorbed and you're definitely over thinking the situation way too much. Don't be so precious about it and cop on. Your house mate isn't going to give a rats ass whether or not you and your girlfriend are having sex. I understand that you maybe prudish about it but you need to snap out of it. It's your own insecurities built up in your head.

Honestly if my OH started the same craic you're at, I wouldn't be long walking out on him. It's not fair and I don't blame your OH for being upset with you.

kylith

CB, I can understand your concerns but having sex in a houseshare is expected. Turn on some music, you don't have to have it blaring, just enough to take the edge off the noise you're making (I like Iggy Pop's 'Dirt' because it sounds like sex anyway). I shared a house with a guy who had a revolving door of girlfriends and a bed that squeaked so much that it sounded like an orgy going on even when he was by himself. I dealt with it by turning up the telly. If your housemates say anything then the two standard responses are 'I'll try be quieter in future' or 'You're just jealous'.

The thing that would concern me though is that you convinced this woman to lose her virginity to you, iirc, and now that she wants to have sex you're rejecting her. If I were her I'd be wondering if the thrill of conquest and deflowering her were what you were interested in

Chemical Byrne

|Thanks for your responses.
I feel a little offended at being called controlling. I'm not out to control her or anyone. Like someone said, I'm more anxious and worry about things too much rather than controlling. I just don't like being heard and from this thread I'm not the only one who thinks this way. In fairness I suppose I can understand she might feel rejected a bit.

As for talk of "trauma", I think its a bit of an exaggeration to say the least. Not like we have blazing rows over it, or even a cross word.

I would have no problem having sex at all if the house was better insulated sound wise. I mean it's so bad I can hear the next door neighbours peeing in the toilet at night. Then there's the whole huge blazing roaring rows they had every other day but that a different issue.
I can make the bed less squeaky alright. The slats were never screwed down and they rattle a lot. I can screw them down and it should make a difference. I'm also getting a foamback carpet laid in the room regardless because I hate the cold timber floor. To walk across it with shoes sounds like your feet are made of cast iron! Landlord was just after an easy clean floor. It should help sound wise. And I can move the wardrobes to the other wall and they will provide some sound attenuation too.

tinz18

Chemical Byrne wrote: »

|Thanks for your responses.
I feel a little offended at being called controlling. I'm not out to control her or anyone. Like someone said, I'm more anxious and worry about things too much rather than controlling. I just don't like being heard and from this thread I'm not the only one who thinks this way. In fairness I suppose I can understand she might feel rejected a bit.

As for talk of "trauma", I think its a bit of an exaggeration to say the least. Not like we have blazing rows over it, or even a cross word.

The two parts I highlighted OP are the most important. Firstly, I suffer from anxiety to the point every single thing had to be controlled for me to feel less anxious (to the point of someone being five minutes late sent me on a spiral downwards). You might not realise it and maybe you're not like me and all the anxious people I know, but anxiety goes hand in hand with being controlling a lot of the time. I'd advise you go to a doctor or a CBT counsellor just to get a handle on it, the earlier anxiety is caught and the sooner you find suitable coping mechanisms the happier and less stressful your life will be. My mother waited until she was mid-50s to be diagnosed and she's so much happier now that she's being treated, she doesn't feel she has to control everything and everyone around her is the better for it.

The lack of blazing rows and cross words doesn't make it not a trauma. Often the silent resentment or when you have an issue with your partner comes across in other ways that can be just as damaging. I much prefer getting everything in the open, we say a few cross words then make up. Over my ex who used to just bury everything and get back at me in little nasty ways.

Chemical Byrne

I might consider having a chat with a counsellor. What sort of treatment might generally be involved for anxiety? If it's behavioural I'd be OK to try it but I really don't want to be on any kind of medication.

Tilly

The counselor will go through all that with you.

Chemical Byrne

Yeah I know they will but just curious is all I suppose. Thanks.

tinz18

For mine I just went to a generic counselor who helped me identify triggers and the underlying reasons for the behaviour. For my best friend it was a CBT therapist that worked the best. My advice is shop around and make sure you click with the therapist and like them because counselling is tough and if you don't like the counselor you're more likely to give it up before headway is made.

kylith

Chemical Byrne wrote: »

I would have no problem having sex at all if the house was better insulated sound wise. I mean it's so bad I can hear the next door neighbours peeing in the toilet at night. Then there's the whole huge blazing roaring rows they had every other day but that a different issue.
I can make the bed less squeaky alright. The slats were never screwed down and they rattle a lot. I can screw them down and it should make a difference. I'm also getting a foamback carpet laid in the room regardless because I hate the cold timber floor. To walk across it with shoes sounds like your feet are made of cast iron! Landlord was just after an easy clean floor. It should help sound wise. And I can move the wardrobes to the other wall and they will provide some sound attenuation too.

I live in a waaaaay older than the Tiger boom, brick built, house and I can hear my neighbours walking around, watching the telly, flushing the loo, whatever. Unless you have the means to build or buy a totally detached house you will never have the sound isolation that you want. Your choices are to continue to reject your girlfriend's advances unless the house is totally empty (and what would happen if your housemate came home when you were half-way through?), or to get over whatever hang-up you have about this.

Seriously, you don't need to go moving furniture and putting up soundproofing, your housemate doesn't care that you're having sex as long as you are reasonably discreet about it by not screaming the place down and by putting on some music.

Trust me, when you have kids they'll not only be able to hear you they'll walk in on you and say 'Daddy, what are you doing?' so you might want to sort your issues before that.

Chemical Byrne

I get your drift. Anyway regardless of anything else I'm saving atm and have outline planning for a house at home.
Well look, I'll try to just get over my hangup the next time and I will look into a counsellor in the area.

God, having a child walk in on a the parents having sex would be dreadful. Good locks on the doors.

Penny Tration

Chemical Byrne wrote: »

I get your drift. Anyway regardless of anything else I'm saving atm and have outline planning for a house at home.
Well look, I'll try to just get over my hangup the next time and I will look into a counsellor in the area.

God, having a child walk in on a the parents having sex would be dreadful. Good locks on the doors.

Will you try to get over it though? Rearranging the room and laying carpets isn't getting over it. It's trying to stop it.

Walking in on your folks isn't a big deal. Most people I know have done that as a kid, no lasting issues.

Have you considered curtailing the details of your girlfriend's private life at all? Do you think you have the right to keep spreading details of her private life online? Do you see how horrible that is?

You've only really listened to the minority who agreed with you, while essentially ignoring the people who are saying the issue is with you. If this is how you react when your girlfriend discusses her feelings, just telling her she's wrong or flat out ignoring an opposing opinion to yours, then I don't blame her for getting in a strop.

Jimmy Bottlehead

Chemical Byrne wrote:

|Thanks for your responses.
I feel a little offended at being called controlling. I'm not out to control her or anyone. Like someone said, I'm more anxious and worry about things too much rather than controlling. I just don't like being heard and from this thread I'm not the only one who thinks this way. In fairness I suppose I can understand she might feel rejected a bit.

As for talk of "trauma", I think its a bit of an exaggeration to say the least. Not like we have blazing rows over it, or even a cross word.

It's clear you're an intelligent individual... which unfortunately tends to go hand-in-hand with overthinking and analysing everything. Which is what you're doing.

Again, speaking from experience... your behaviour is controlling. I know it doesn't seem it from your point of view, but it is. And we control things because we fear what happens when things are OUT of control.

So for you, quiet sex => housemates don't know => housemates don't think about your girlfriend's past => approval of your girlfriend => approval of you

Or conversely, being heard having sex => housemates know your girlfriend is having sex => they may wonder how many guys she's slept with before => they may assume she's a "slut" => they judge you for being with a slut => they disapprove => being disapproved of hurts

The lack of rows doesn't equal happiness; you're both young and she may be very inexperienced in relationships and assume this is normal.

Chemical Byrne wrote: »

Yeah I know they will but just curious is all I suppose. Thanks.

Chemical Byrne wrote: »

I get your drift. Anyway regardless of anything else I'm saving atm and have outline planning for a house at home.
Well look, I'll try to just get over my hangup the next time and I will look into a counsellor in the area.

God, having a child walk in on a the parents having sex would be dreadful. Good locks on the doors.

Try a counselling psychologist. The Psychological Society of Ireland has a listing of all registered psychologists. They cannot prescribe medication; they use talk therapy, which helps you figure out where you developed these hang-ups. It's not an intense "lie on the sofa and tell me your dreams" thing

CBT has been mentioned and it has its merits; however, your issues seem to be quite deeply rooted and simple behavioural changes may not help you overcome your current fears and limits.

kylith

Chemical Byrne wrote: »

God, having a child walk in on a the parents having sex would be dreadful. Good locks on the doors.

Then your child tries to get in, can't, decides to take care of whatever themselves and falls down the stairs. Or keeps knocking and calling. Lock them in their room and they can't come get you if they need you. Generally locked doors and small children are a bad idea. Most parents of small children I know sleep with their bedroom door open so they can hear the kids.

Have you said to your GF that sex is totally off the cards unless you can guarantee that there is no-one in the house, or will come home during the time?

Honestly, it's sounding more and more like you should just forget about having a sexual relationship at all until you've built this house for yourself.

Jimmy Bottlehead wrote:

So for you, quiet sex => housemates don't know => housemates don't think about your girlfriend's past => approval of your girlfriend => approval of you

Or conversely, being heard having sex => housemates know your girlfriend is having sex => they may wonder how many guys she's slept with before => they may assume she's a "slut" => they judge you for being with a slut => they disapprove => being disapproved of hurts

I disagree. I think it's more of a notion that the housemate would be sniggering childishly about him having sex. Or he has the notion that sex is somehow bad or shameful, and he doesn't want anyone to know that he's doing something 'dirty'.

Chemical Byrne

Yes Jenny I see, and I don't want to be going into detail but I'm just trying to explain my situation. I feel i've given as little detail as possible to get my point across. I am taking the advice on board. I thought most people would be worried about being heard but that is obviously not the case so I am going to try get over it. As was suggested I am considering speaking to a counsellor about my general anxiety and over worrying tendencies.

So for you, quiet sex => housemates don't know => housemates don't think about your girlfriend's past => approval of your girlfriend => approval of you

Or conversely, being heard having sex => housemates know your girlfriend is having sex => they may wonder how many guys she's slept with before => they may assume she's a "slut" => they judge you for being with a slut => they disapprove => being disapproved of hurts

Actually no, that was not my line of thought at all at all. I just don't like being heard, period. I'm a private person is all.

But thanks for the info on the therapists.

Then your child tries to get in, can't, decides to take care of whatever themselves and falls down the stairs.

But sure wouldn't you hear them at the door and then make yourself decent, or whatever, and go take care of whatever they need? Anyway this is completely off the point as we don't even have a child, like!

Jimmy Bottlehead

kylith wrote: »

I disagree. I think it's more of a notion that the housemate would be sniggering childishly about him having sex. Or he has the notion that sex is somehow bad or shameful, and he doesn't want anyone to know that he's doing something 'dirty'.

Quite possibly. I was under the impression the OP had issues around a girlfriend's past. Could be mixing things up from a different thread.

OP, what is it about audible sex that makes you uncomfortable? We know it DOES make you uncomfortable, but what exactly do you feel antsy about? And what do you assume others are thinking if they can hear it?

Tilly

Look you dont have kids so stop thinking about "what if". Sort out what issues you have right now and the future should fall into place.

I've lived in many house shares and I can't tell you how many times I've heard my housemates have sex or how many times they've heard me. Nobody has ever batted an eyelid or brought it up ever. It's called being an adult and if you're in a relationship then it's assumed that you will be having sex.

Have you been in the house for long? My only reservation would be if I had only just moved into a house, but even then I'd get over it and wouldn't turn down the opportunity for some loving just because of that.

Chemical Byrne

The ins and outs of locked doors and small kids is completely irrelevant, sure we don't have any. But you coudl leave your door open and only lock it when you're having sex. I don't think any child should witness their parents having sex, it's just super weird, sorry.

Quite possibly. I was under the impression the OP had issues around a girlfriend's past. Could be mixing things up from a different thread.

OP, what is it about audible sex that makes you uncomfortable? We know it DOES make you uncomfortable, but what exactly do you feel antsy about? And what do you assume others are thinking if they can hear it?

I think it's pretty much along the lines of what kylith says. Its not that it's bad or shameful, I just think it is a very private matter between the 2 of us and ideally, no-one else should be aware we are doing it. Its nothing to do with her/my past or morals or anything along those lines.
I'm in this house about 4 months or so now.

ATM she is of the understanding that I don't like sex if someone else is in THIS house. As said, I have no issues at all doing it at her house as its solid out. My place has the build quality of a cornflakes box.

Sorry to say, but I'd hate to be in a relationship with you...

As others have mentioned, your hangups and issues take all the fun out of sex and a relationship. I couldn't give a toss if my housemate brings back someone and all I hear is what you call the whole 9 yards.

I've heard countless housemates have fun, moaning like crazy, and the whole shebang (fantastically appropriate word for the topic!) and still able to meet them eye-to-eye the next morning without any issue and maybe a, "fair play", if they had scored while single.

Why? Because sex is a part of life. And noise in some form is a part of sex.