My mother doesn't like my boyfriend and is controlling?

misscpmfan

Hi

A year and a half ago me and my bf got into a fight and when we got back together my mother said she never wanted to see him in our home again and it's been that way ever since.

First of all I'm 27 and this is my first bf. Before him me and my mother were very close so when I got with him I acted on relationship issues the way she would have. (I know it's wrong but I didn't know at the time and I was naive). I was very open with her too but she was snoopy also.

One of her issues with him was when he went out with his mates to the pub, I should always get to go. I did go out with then but she wanted ALL THE TIME. Same when he goes out with his dad and his bro to watch a match. I should go and it's wrong if I don't. No matter what I said or say now, she refuses to see otherwise. I acted on that belief and we use to fight. I don't now. People need their space and own time.

She calls him a Scumbag even though he's really good to me and I'm always with him and he really isn't a Scumbag! Honestly I know scumbags!

She keeps bringing up fights me and him had like a year and a half ago to me when she is drunk! Also when a Football match is on she starts rubbing and cutting about how her and my dad were always together when they were younger.

I was too open with her at the beginning and I regret it. I'm not allowed talk about my bf, if I do they say (my dad too because he's spineless and is controlled) they dont wanna hear about him. My dad actually liked him a lot but my mam brainwashes him when he takes my side.

There is family dinners and I can't bring my bf because my mam doesn't like him.

She says sometimes when she has a few on her "I wanna like him but I cant". It sometimes feels like she wants me to beg or she likes the feeling of having some say or authority. I use to beg but I'm not playing that now.

My bro and his wife have invited me and my parents for dinner. I can't bring my bf because my mam would run amuck and ruin the day (of course it would be my fault for bringing him ha *sarcasm*).
They like my bf. Only one who doesn't is my mam. Im refusing to go to the dinner and any family functions. It's sad but I shouldn't have to deal with this. I lost my hair over all this too. When I told my mother she hurts me she said, I don't care I don't like him.

What should I do, nothing will change how she feels and I am certain I'll have a future with my bf. As in marriage. He's certain too. Sorry this was long.

R.D. aka MR.D

You need to start an adult-adult relationship with your mother. It sounds very much like you are acting like a child.

If you still live at home, you need to move out because that will make things easier. You need to sit her down like an adult and tell her that her behaviour is unacceptable. Admit your own mistake of oversharing with her but tell her that from now own you expect her to treat you like an adult. Tell her that you will be bringing your boyfriend to the dinner and if she chooses to make a scene and embarrass herself so be it but it's your life and you're going to live it the way you see fit.

You need to earn respect from her and you won't do it by acting like a teenager.

Jotunheim

Whatever else you, make sure you bring your fella to that dinner at your brother's. You can't avoid family occasions because of her control and jealousy. It's not her occasion and if she acts up, you can all tell her to shut her face or **** off. Seriously, time for standing up to her and letting her know her jealousy, control and nastiness is not warranted or wanted.

pookie82

This is often the trouble with letting friends and family "in" on fights in a relationship, especially early on. You make up and forget it, they don't. You've learned a valuable lesson in terms of keeping conflict to yourself, for the most part.

Your Mum sounds like she's still trapped in the mindset of "when I was young". In some ways, my own Mum would be like this too. She'll often say when I talk about who I'm seeing or what's going on with my friends "gosh it was simpler when I was young, if you liked someone you stuck with them, there was none of this cheating carry on or deciding you wanted breaks or going off on holidays on your own". Most women of their generation DO think that nowadays the whole dating/relationship scene is "odd" and has changed for the worst. That's fine, but it's not ok to tarnish your relationship because it doesn't meet her old fashioned standards.

You need to stand up to her and tell her he's a part of your life until you decide otherwise, and if she wants to shut him out, she'll end up losing you too. You sound too soft with her. You're 27 years old - do you still live at home? If so, change that, it's giving her far too much say in how you live your life. The next time she refuses to allow him to attend a family dinner, stay away yourself, and tell her if your bf isn't welcome, you don't feel welcome either.

She may slowly get the hint and relax her stance if she realises shutting him out keeps you away also.

This must also be pretty hard on your bf. Excluded from family gatherings and he probably doesn't even know why? It's unfair pressure to bow to. If you're serious about him, start putting his needs before your mother's.

Penny Tration

Firstly - go to the dinner. You love your brother I assume, so why punish him just because you're angry with your mam? If you want people to see you as the adult you are, don't throw your toys out of the pram by saying you won't go unless your boyfriend is there.

As for the rest - your mam obviously has a very warped view of relationships, given that she expects him to spend every minute of his time with you. It's good that you now recognise that that's not how life works and that you both need your own space. Well done for learning that while being taught the opposite!

Thing is though, your mam truly believes that her view on relationships is correct. So, the fact that you were telling her about your fights at the start, she was seeing you upset from these fights, she was seeing this guy, in her mind, treating you badly (doesn't sound like he was, to point out!), well she's probably not going to like him! In her eyes, this man has upset her daughter too many times.

If you want to move forward, you need to move out. Moving out and being an independent adult will mean your mam has no more say in your relationship.

If that isn't an option, sit her down. Tell her that yes, you fought at the start, and you're so appreciative of her comfort and willingness to listen to you, but things have changed. You're happy with him and feel you're being treated well. If you have to, tell her he HAS invited you to the pub with his dad, he HAS invited you out, every time, but you said no thanks because you like doing your own thing.

Considering she STILL tells you he should be inviting you to x, y and z, it sounds as though you're sharing too much still. Why does she know he's not inviting you all the time, unless you told her? The things she's saying are based on what you are choosing to tell her, so stop telling her!

Do you have many friends? If you have friends that you see regularly, she probably wouldn't see you sitting around while he's out having fun, and therefore wouldn't question why you're not with him.

I understand where you're coming from and your mam's views are unhealthy, but it sounds as though you're giving her the rope to hang you with.

Augme

Jotunheim wrote: »

Whatever else you, make sure you bring your fella to that dinner at your brother's. You can't avoid family occasions because of her control and jealousy. It's not her occasion and if she acts up, you can all tell her to shut her face or **** off. Seriously, time for standing up to her and letting her know her jealousy, control and nastiness is not warranted or wanted.

I wouldn't advise this. You will just be creating a situation where you are asking other people to take sides. The mother could refuse to attend/stay if the boyfriend turns up, then you are putting your brother is a pretty horrible situation and pressure on him to un-invite the boyfriend.

Neyite

You've just learned a fundamental lesson the hard way.

Family will always forgive each other for bad behaviour and forget easily but with in-laws it takes a lot longer to forget if they ever do. That's why I never tell my family about the rocky times I might have with my relationship - I talk to my friends instead.

Having said that, its a very extreme reaction from your mother.

As to events? Well you can decide to go or not. If you don't go, be prepared for the sniping that boyfriend must be controlling you in some sinister way - but if your brother would understand your reasons then that's all that matters. If you do go, then yeah, maybe your mother might ruin the occasion, but it might prompt others in the family to tell her to rein it in. It's really up to you.

In everyday handling, I'd get up and walk away every single time your boyfriend is mentioned. Don't discuss your relationship with your mother at all - all she wants is information so she can pick holes. So don't tell her about matches or nights out or anything. The stock answer should be that you are not discussing your relationship with her. Did he go out at the weekend? No. Has he been out lately on his own? Nope. etc. Then leave the room.

Jotunheim

Augme wrote: »

I wouldn't advise this. You will just be creating a situation where you are asking other people to take sides. The mother could refuse to attend/stay if the boyfriend turns up, then you are putting your brother is a pretty horrible situation and pressure on him to un-invite the boyfriend.

Sorry, but this is nonsense, that's just giving in to her mother's terrorism and that's the worst course of action possible. I'll bet the brother is already aware of what the mother is like and isn't making the invite unknowingly.

Augme

Jotunheim wrote: »

Sorry, but this is nonsense, that's just giving in to her mother's terrorism and that's the worst course of action possible. I'll bet the brother is already aware of what the mother is like and isn't making the invite unknowingly.

Well she says the brother invited her, not specifically the boyfriend. I'd at least run it past the brother. It's his event and he might not want world war III to happen at it.

I think the worst course of action is to make the brother and other family members pic a side. Because chances are the boyfriend won't the one picked.

Jotunheim

Augme wrote: »

Well she says the brother invited her, not specifically the boyfriend. I'd at least run it past the brother. It's his event and he might not want world war III to happen at it.

I think the worst course of action is to make the brother and other family members pic a side. Because chances are the boyfriend won't the one picked.

Given the context in which it was said, I think it's fair to assume the boyfriend was invited and expected or it wouldn't be an issue.

willow tree

No coincidence that your mother is calling your boyfriend controlling & she is the one controlling everything. You need to create very strong boundaries to protect yourself. I would even suggest counselling for you in dealing with such a controlling mother & the effects its having on you. Definitely get your own place if you're living at home. & be straight with her. "i love you but this is my boyfriend now. You don't have to like that but you have to respect it". Your brother is an adult & he's pandering to her by not inviting your bf & your dad. Poor you, not a nice situation.