Being friends with someone you fancy-how do you do it?

LegacyUser

I fancy a "friend" of mine. But I feel really fake about it all.

A few months ago, I told them I liked them. They didnt really say anything at all. Was quite dismissive. He is leaving in a few weeks. Fair enough. We carried on as friends. But my fancing feelings wont go away. More recently, they made a drunken pass at me. Would I have love to? Yes. But I didnt want something drunken to happen, and then in the morning be all "I was drunk" excuse.

I get on really really well with them. Has anyone ever had this issue-how did you sort it out? In my head, I keep trying to think of all the bad things about them to turn me off.

Exclamation Marc

I was in a similar situation years ago (but a drunken pass was never made at me).

The thing that got me through was giving the friendship and her a little bit of space, not seeing her as much as I would normally or not talking to them as much. I never made it hugely obvious but I'd stop making the first move to talk/text or hang out and I'd not be around them as much on nights out or at parties when they were there. I'd never be dismissive to her or blank her in anyway but I'd just hold off seeking her out for having a laugh like I normally would whilst still being pleasant. I'd find other people to hang out with if we were in a group before her. Again, I was never rude, dismissive or obvious about it, but I just hugely reduced our interactions.

Whilst I found it tough at the time, eventually the feelings had passed after a few months, and things somewhat went back to normal and we remained decent enough friends again and now there's no feelings there whatsoever.

One thing I would say is that its not very respectful of him to make a drunken pass at you after being so dismissive to you in the first place.

LegacyUser

fancyafriend wrote: »

I fancy a "friend" of mine. But I feel really fake about it all.

A few months ago, I told them I liked them. They didnt really say anything at all. Was quite dismissive. He is leaving in a few weeks. Fair enough. We carried on as friends. But my fancing feelings wont go away. More recently, they made a drunken pass at me. Would I have love to? Yes. But I didnt want something drunken to happen, and then in the morning be all "I was drunk" excuse.

I get on really really well with them. Has anyone ever had this issue-how did you sort it out? In my head, I keep trying to think of all the bad things about them to turn me off.

you can't do it. forget it and stay away from the person

Jotunheim

fancyafriend wrote: »

He is leaving in a few weeks

A job? The country? Unless there's some prospect of the two of you spending time together in which to build a relationship, then his leaving means the ship has sailed and you're just gonna have to walk it off. That shouldn't be too hard since you showing interest wasn't reciprocated but rather was stored in his memory as an option and dragged out when he was drunk. Personally I'd walk that off in 30 seconds and not care about a friendship with someone who thought that little of me.

LegacyUser

How is it so disrespectful? Genuinely dont get that.

In the end, I respected myself (didnt act on it), which is far more important.

I do like this person for who they are. We have hung out (platonically) since, and it was fine. I think am on the other end now of it (the rose tinted glasses have come off). Also, for me, maybe it was a bit of attention that I liked more so than actually him.

LegacyUser

Jotunheim wrote: »

A job? The country? Unless there's some prospect of the two of you spending time together in which to build a relationship, then his leaving means the ship has sailed and you're just gonna have to walk it off. That shouldn't be too hard since you showing interest wasn't reciprocated but rather was stored in his memory as an option and dragged out when he was drunk. Personally I'd walk that off in 30 seconds and not care about a friendship with someone who thought that little of me.

well said. OP sit and think how many men are in the world. A news report from last january says "There are 60 million more men than women in the world - the highest gap in history"

EoghanIRL

cantbdone wrote: »

you can't do it. forget it and stay away from the person

I don't know ...
It doesn't seem like sacrificing a valued friendship over feelings is worth it especially when he is going away soon.

Here's how I see it.
He is going away in a couple of weeks. The distance might make it easier.
Things can change in the space of a few years.
I think personally that a good friendship is worth saving. In a couple of years you could still be friends and look back on this as only something small or minor.

Jotunheim

fancyafriend wrote: »

How is it so disrespectful? Genuinely dont get that.

The poster who said that was suggesting, same as me, that he didn't think enough of you to act on your expression of interest in any meaningful way, but stored you on a list of options as someone he could chance his arm with sometime when he was drunk and stuck. If all you've posted, that seems to be the one fact that is most telling about him and the friendship.

Exclamation Marc

Jotunheim wrote: »

The poster who said that was suggesting, same as me, that he didn't think enough of you to act on your expression of interest in any meaningful way, but stored you on a list of options as someone he could chance his arm with sometime when he was drunk and stuck. If all you've posted, that seems to be the one fact that is most telling about him and the friendship.

Exactly. From my perspective if I knew a girl really liked me but I had no interest in her long-term, I would respect that she's my friend and not give her mixed signals or false hope by coming on to her on a night out.

We all make mistakes, but if you're good friends you don't play around with their heads if you know they like you.

Anyway OP; happy days that you're out the other side of it, sounds like a bullet dodged

LegacyUser

FireballPitcher wrote: »

Exactly. From my perspective if I knew a girl really liked me but I had no interest in her long-term, I would respect that she's my friend and not give her mixed signals or false hope by coming on to her on a night out.

We all make mistakes, but if you're good friends you don't play around with their heads if you know they like you.

Anyway OP; happy days that you're out the other side of it, sounds like a bullet dodged

I wouldnt say we are good friends - the friendship is very newly established (3/4 months) - we just get on very well. You know when you meet someone and just get on with them? I know there was an attraction on both sides initially. When I told him I thought I liked him, his reply was that he was moving away shortly and couldnt start anything.

Yes a pass was made - it was drunken/foolish, but I think I made the boundaries clear.

I've been in many friendships where I was attracted to the other person. Over time I came to realize that we made better friends than we ever would partners and I just ... sort of dealt with it. Those feelings are gone, but the friendships still remain.