Never got over childhood bullying

LegacyUser

I loved primary school in our little midlands parish. Then I moved to secondary school in the nearest town and got bullied non stop. I was shy, quiet, not good at sports and work thick glasses. An obvious target I guess. I'd say by third year lads in the class grew up a bit and I got a bit more confident so it petered out. I went to college with some of these lads and we got on fine, the past was forgotten.

My younger brother would be different to me. Built like a rugby player, popular with girls, lots of friends and himself and his friends made my life hell. If I was in my room Friday night they stand outside tapping my window calling me fággot and so on. If I was in pubs with friends they'd come up and laugh at me. Once I pushed one back outside a pub and I got a bottle of bulmers across the head.

When I went to college I returned weekends and worked as a barman. The brother and the lads would pull my tie and just generally humiliate me.


I told my mother who said I worse to mind them and I must be equally to blame for it. The father is the strong silent farmer type and I think he would have listened but I never attempted it. I was getting abuse from the brothers friends and I didn't know their names and have never spoken to them so I couldn't see how I brought this on myself but eventually I accepted it and started to think I didn't deserve any better. Id second guess my every move and almost be too timid to walk down the streets of our town at certain times as I may get roared at.

I finished college, moved to Dublin and have a good job. I've friends and would be popular in work and had some girlfriends over the years too.

I never got over this. I rarely visit home but dont explain to the parents why. The brother and his partner had a child so I'm an uncle though I found out months later after he was born. I've not spoken to him in over 10 years, never seen my nephew and you can call me cold but I don't have a desire to drive to the midlands and visit. I guess he'll get married in a year or two and if I got a invite I would be blasted by the family for not going but I couldn't face it.

I carry a lot of rage, maybe because I feel inferior. If I'm on a pedestrian crossing and a car goes to break it I go mad. When I get off the luas and people are piling on I shoulder them as I should be let off first. I have dreams about one day hammering my childhood bullies.

Ever hear of a quiet meek person who snapped one day and does something and everyone says that was out of character. I fear that will be me one day.

My PI is how do I get over this and let the hurt go? You might say forgiveness, sorry I've desire to do that

cazzer22

Notoverthepast wrote: »

I loved primary school in our little midlands parish. Then I moved to secondary school in the nearest town and got bullied non stop. I was shy, quiet, not good at sports and work thick glasses. An obvious target I guess. I'd say by third year lads in the class grew up a bit and I got a bit more confident so it petered out. I went to college with some of these lads and we got on fine, the past was forgotten.
<SNIP>

That sounds very traumatic. Poor you. Would you consider going to speak to somebody about your experiences? They might be able to give you some strategies to manage the pain and anger you feel towards the situation. What your brother and his friends did is inexcusable and I completely understand that fact that you never have the desire to go home. It's because you've associated the place with the anger and upset that you've had to go through. This will only get worse as the years go on if you just leave it and don't deal with it, I think. Going to speak to someone will give you a chance to deal with what you're feeling and give you the chance to speak openly and honestly about what happened.
I was bullied badly previously and I was very upfront with my parents about what was going on and I did speak to someone, which really helped. I also didn't let it define me and moved on from it. I do still think about it and dislike going to certain places because of what I associate the place with, but I have let it go. I personally wouldn't be able to have a relationship with a sibling who let that happen and was that nasty to me. Try not to let that affect the relationship with your nephew (I know it's easy for me to say that). Go to the wedding with your head held high, you have NOTHING to be ashamed of. You are a stronger person as a result of what happened.

daisybelle2008

Notoverthepast wrote: »

My PI is how do I get over this and let the hurt go? You might say forgiveness, sorry I've desire to do that

OP, I'm guessing you mean you have 'no desire to do that'. If that's the case then they 'own' you. If you cannot forgive you need some retribution or acknowledgement from others that they have hurt you. You may never get that, so you are trapped. You are giving the past a lot of power over your present.

Muir

Why do you have no desire for forgiveness? The only person you hurt by not forgiving is yourself. Those people don't know that you are still angry and hurt, and they don't care because they are going on living their lives while you are still letting the past control yours. You don't forgive to make them feel better, you do it for yourself. Forgiveness is letting the hurt go, it doesn't mean you need to like these people or speak to them ever again.

I think it could really help you to speak to someone about this since it's going on for such a long time. I really hope you can learn to say '**** them, I'm not allowing them to influence my life or emotions anymore' and just let go. Good luck.

Augme

While you might not have desire for forgiveness, what about a desire to explain to your brother the hurt him and his friends caused you? He might apologise and be sorry but that doesn't mean you have to forgive him and move on. There is nothing wrong with confronting him and also deciding you never want anything to do with him again.

If not confronting your brother you could explain to your parents why you don't go home and visit. As it stands bottling up your anger towards your brother hasn't been the solution so far and that is unlikely to change in the future.

Wabbit Ears

Honestly. Tell your brother he is a cnut and wrecked your life and then cut all ties. Tell BOTH your parents that you are cutting ties and why.


Then cut all ties and get on with it.

PinkLemonade

OP, I think you posted on here before, what was the advice last time? Why didn't it work?