Boyfriend struggling to perform

LegacyUser

Going unreg for this.

I've been seeing a wonderful guy the last 4 months. We're both mid 20's, and I'm mad about him. We've been taking things slowly so this has only come to my attention recently. For reference, he's a very nervous guy. On our first date he was shaking with nerves and it was quite awhile before he was comfortable around me.

We haven't slept together yet, but we have tried 3 times. Those 3 times, he has been "ready" to go, until the moment to begin comes, when he loses his nerve and isn't able to perform. I know this explanation is very vague but I'm trying not to be vulgar.

This is absolutely not an issue for me, I understand its just nerves, but each failed attempt is making his confidence worse and I don't know how to make him feel better about it. I feel so sorry for him cause I can tell he's really embarrassed and I just want to make it better.

He swears I'm not the issue, because I obviously felt like it was my fault when it happened more than once. But its niggling at the back of my mind that it may still be me. He also says this has never happened him before, apart from once 5 years ago when he was drunk. For reference, we were both sober during the 3 failed attempts.

I know its not a health issue because he's able to get up and running, I'm guessing it must be psychological because he doesn't lose it until it comes down to the nitty gritty.

He told me that he's really nervous, and keeps overthinking it, and doesn't want to disappoint me, and that's why its happening.
He keeps joking about buying viagra but I really don't want to go down that route.

This is absolutely not a deal breaker for me, I know we'll get there eventually but I'm afraid that he's getting so embarrassed that he'll stop wanting to keep seeing me. This has never happened to me before and I have no idea what the right thing to say in this situation is.

The last time it happened he literally got dressed and ran out of my house and that made me feel like rubbish too.

How can I make him feel better about it, what should I do if it happens again, and is there anything I can do to stop it from happening? TIA for any replies. Advice is much appreciated.

cactusgal

Hi Op, I have been in a very similar situation. In my case, everything turned out absolutely fine in the end, but it just took a lot of patience and positive reinforcement from my end. Take sex off the table for the time being, if he's feeling too nervous to stay hard enough for penetration. Seriously, just enjoy absolutely everything about each other and don't make an issue out of being able to have full sex yet. In my case, it took five months and it really was a case of nerves. But all ok in the end!!!

bilbot79

wantingtohelp wrote: »

Going unreg for this.

I've been seeing a wonderful guy the last 4 months. We're both mid 20's, and I'm mad about him. We've been taking things slowly so this has only come to my attention recently. For reference, he's a very nervous guy. On our first date he was shaking with nerves and it was quite awhile before he was comfortable around me.

We haven't slept together yet, but we have tried 3 times. Those 3 times, he has been "ready" to go, until the moment to begin comes, when he loses his nerve and isn't able to perform. I know this explanation is very vague but I'm trying not to be vulgar.

This is absolutely not an issue for me, I understand its just nerves, but each failed attempt is making his confidence worse and I don't know how to make him feel better about it. I feel so sorry for him cause I can tell he's really embarrassed and I just want to make it better.

He swears I'm not the issue, because I obviously felt like it was my fault when it happened more than once. But its niggling at the back of my mind that it may still be me. He also says this has never happened him before, apart from once 5 years ago when he was drunk. For reference, we were both sober during the 3 failed attempts.

I know its not a health issue because he's able to get up and running, I'm guessing it must be psychological because he doesn't lose it until it comes down to the nitty gritty.

He told me that he's really nervous, and keeps overthinking it, and doesn't want to disappoint me, and that's why its happening.
He keeps joking about buying viagra but I really don't want to go down that route.

This is absolutely not a deal breaker for me, I know we'll get there eventually but I'm afraid that he's getting so embarrassed that he'll stop wanting to keep seeing me. This has never happened to me before and I have no idea what the right thing to say in this situation is.

The last time it happened he literally got dressed and ran out of my house and that made me feel like rubbish too.

How can I make him feel better about it, what should I do if it happens again, and is there anything I can do to stop it from happening? TIA for any replies. Advice is much appreciated.

I think this can happen when he is panicking about panicking. Like he is paranoid about not being able to penetrate you so the closer he gets the more he thinks about it and the more he thinks about it the more distracted he becomes and down it goes. Have you blown him? I think you should do that, proving to him he's normal. Then in the morning when he's got the old alarm clock on the go just jump on him before he gets a chance to get paranoid. Once he's proven to himself he's able he'll be flying

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

Buona Fortuna

Hi OP

I'd agree with the other posters - take sex off the menu and just spend the night, cuddling, massaging, whatever.

Couple of other thoughts:

- when you are both together, its quite safe? No possible interuptions from parents or room mates?

- does he use porn when he is away from you?

All the very best.

WheatenBriar

Also in agreement here to take sex off the menu here and go down ( pardon the pun ) other avenues
you've got to have patience here
Nervous males are different to nervous females in the sense that there's something much more anatomical needed in a man to physically carry out intercourse versus a woman
A nervous man can still be every much as aroused mentally and into you but nerves cause his parts not to co operate
Patience

Jotunheim

wantingtohelp wrote: »

this has never happened him before, apart from once 5 years ago when he was drunk.

I'm not sure if you want to open the potential can of worms at this stage and it's possible you'll get past this without needing to ask, but the key to this might be in what has happened in that 5 years. Did he let it get to him and shy away from sex for all that time, or did he laugh it off and get back on track quickly? What reaction did he get from his partner? She may have been supportive and understanding, or may have been horrible about it and crushed him.

If it's been on his mind for 5 years of being afraid to try, he may be at the point where counselling is necessary for a fear so ingrained.
FWIW, if I had to deal with this myself, I'd want someone with your attitude on my side, he's a lucky man and you shouldn't feel bad for him running away, that's not your fault and from what you've told us you have done nothing wrong.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the thoughtful, helpful replies.

We slowed things down and have made some progress since I made the OP. We have now progressed to be able to have sex, but he isn't able to finish before going soft. He lasts an extremely long time, which I wasn't expecting, easily 20 minutes if not more. He will then go soft without finishing and we'll have to stop.

He'll be ready to go again within 5-10 minutes but never finishes. He seems to think this is normal, and is content with this. We have the same outcome whether its oral, etc. I have only had 3 sexual partners before him and have never experienced this so I don't know whether this is normal for some men or not?

On another note, he refuses to talk about it at all. Which is totally fine, I understand. But he won't be open with me about other things that would explain the reason why this might be happening. He won't tell me whether he has been in any past relationships or not, or how many girlfriends he's had. He asked me how many people I've slept with but wouldn't answer when I asked him.

I think he may be inexperienced with both women in general, and with sex. And as I said, Im absolutely mad about him and don't want to lose him over this. But I'm finding it hard to continue to be patient when he won't be open with me.

If he has never had a regular sex life before now, he was probably using solo methods which would explain why this is happening, and I would be happy to let things progress, knowing why its happening. But he won't tell me anything and its starting to bother me.

Once again, any advice is greatly welcome. I hope I don't come across as horrible. I care so much and I just want him to be honest with me.

Buona Fortuna

OPhere wrote: »

We have now progressed to be able to have sex, but he isn't able to finish before going soft. He lasts an extremely long time, which I wasn't expecting, easily 20 minutes if not more. He will then go soft without finishing and we'll have to stop.

He'll be ready to go again within 5-10 minutes but never finishes. He seems to think this is normal, and is content with this. We have the same outcome whether its oral, etc. I have only had 3 sexual partners before him and have never experienced this so I don't know whether this is normal for some men or not?

Is it normal - who's to say. I suspect its not uncommon, and I suspect its because he's used to finishing with his hand.

The differnt sensation to being with a real girl and worrying about her feelings, enjoyment compared to just the direct pressure.

On another note, he refuses to talk about it at all. Which is totally fine, I understand. But he won't be open with me about other things that would explain the reason why this might be happening. He won't tell me whether he has been in any past relationships or not, or how many girlfriends he's had. He asked me how many people I've slept with but wouldn't answer when I asked him.

That's tricky and not entirely fair on his part. I'm not sure if its possible to develop a solution on your own.


One possible solution is to abstain from sex and masturbation for a week or so. I imagine he would "go off like a rocket";).

I alluded to one possible cause in my post above - porn. There's increasing amounts of stuff on the interweb and Boards of how too much porn can desensitise us.

Good Luck OP.

LegacyUser

If he's inexperienced then the problem may very well be with his use of porn and masturbating. Especially when you say you have been able to start but he's not able to finish. The thing about prolonged use of porn is it's desensitising and normal physical intimacy will just not be enough to get him off. If he's inexperienced with women and opening up he may feel a lot of shame about it. As Buona Fortuna says there is a huge amount of info available on this increasingly common problem.

He may not want to talk but that's unfair on you. The only way around it is for him to cut out the masturbating and porn.
But that's up to him, so you could suggest it, and be confident when doing so. This is an issue that takes the two of you to be resolved if you're to have a sex life. You are both adults and if you're mature enough to be having sex, well you should be definitely talking about this stuff. Take sex off the table and continue to get him to open up.

Augme

OPhere wrote: »

On another note, he refuses to talk about it at all. Which is totally fine, I understand. But he won't be open with me about other things that would explain the reason why this might be happening. He won't tell me whether he has been in any past relationships or not, or how many girlfriends he's had. He asked me how many people I've slept with but wouldn't answer when I asked him.

I think he may be inexperienced with both women in general, and with sex. And as I said, Im absolutely mad about him and don't want to lose him over this. But I'm finding it hard to continue to be patient when he won't be open with me.

Once again, any advice is greatly welcome. I hope I don't come across as horrible. I care so much and I just want him to be honest with me.

This doesn't sound good at all. It's very hypercritical of him to ask you and then refuse to answer. It's also very immature of him not to answer and refuse to talk about it.

I just can't see how the relationship is going to anything other than a headache going forward. If he refuses to talk about this then the chances are he'll bottle other things up going forward.

Personally the good side of him wouldn't outweigh the negatives, especially when thinking long term.

WheatenBriar

I actually think,you shouldn't talk about itfor now
Adapt your intimacy, its already improved a lot,continue with what you are doing,enjoy his body andvlet him enjoy yours
I think trying to get him to talk about it will drag you backwards risking undoing recent progress
Id park that for a while

LegacyUser

OPhere wrote: »

On another note, he refuses to talk about it at all. Which is totally fine, I understand. But he won't be open with me about other things that would explain the reason why this might be happening. He won't tell me whether he has been in any past relationships or not, or how many girlfriends he's had. He asked me how many people I've slept with but wouldn't answer when I asked him.

Please don't tell us you had the numbers talk ! There was a thread on here very recently of a guy in a relationship with a girl for three years and they had the numbers talk - he couldn't the number of guys she had slept with out of his head.

Aside from the awkward sexual encounters between yous, if he's not willing to be open up discuss stuff with you can you put up this ? I would think after a while his behaviour will wear you down especially if he is not willing to resolve or discuss his issues with you.