Feeling as if my life is failing

LegacyUser

Hey have seen a lot of these type of threads here before and not even sure what I am looking for by posting this but I guess I just think it might help me to get my thoughts down in txt and maybe get some advice.

I'm a 40 year old single male and I guess since I hit 40 early this year I have started to question whether I will ever find someone special to share my life with and have a family. Have been more or less single for 5 years now other than a couple of short term relationships around two years ago where I just didn't feel they were right for me and I ended them. Over the last year I have tried internet dating and been on five dates, three of them we both agreed after the initial date there was no real spark, the other two ladies I did like but after a couple of dates they felt they didn't feel a real spark.

I work in education and I guess with having the summer free I have started to worry about the direction my life is going in. My closest friends are married with kids but I do see them regularly and I have a very good social life also through sports and with single friends from this. A lot of the social life however revolves around going to the pub and while I love a pint and a night out I have started to really realise that I want more than nights out n the pub with friends, I want to find that someone special to share meals, weekends away with etc. Just a case I suppose that I really always assumed that my age I would be living the life lots of my friends do with wife and kids instead of been the go to single guy for a few pints and a night out.

I have had two long term relationships, in the last of these I was engaged and when that ended 5 years ago it did break my heart but I know that am well and truly over that, I would like to think I am a sensitive, fun and friendly guy but just seem to be so hard to meet that someone special. I have joined cycling clubs, gone back to do a masters and have met lots of lovely women plus having a lot of female work colleagues get on very well with but that relationship I desire really does seem to be eluding me. I am an only child and recently have also started to feel a little bit of failure as if my parents are looking at me and wondering about the grandkids they will probably never have now whereas they see all my close childhood friends settled with kids.

Don't know, just looking for advice and understanding I guess.

liquoriceall

Hi OP Im sorry I dont have any advise really jist wanted to say I understand how you feel, it is so hard to meet someone and have that spark. I sometimes wonder if maybe the rest of it is right then can you live without that? If you get the shared life, family etc? Just a rambling thought really sorry

LegacyUser

Thank you for your reply, yeah I do really feel that if t was someone who just really made me happy and we had that shared life, family etc that would be more than enough, I want an attraction obviously but am not a teenager looking for lightning bolt sparks!

I love my job, my friends, family, travel I still do regardless of single status. Just really feel I would love to meet that someone.

gaiscioch

guest0976 wrote: »

I'm a 40 year old single male and I guess since I hit 40 early this year I have started to question whether I will ever find someone special to share my life with and have a family.

This is the sort of thing there is zero point worrying about: you will meet somebody special when you least expect it. There is a huge number of brilliant, intelligent and creative women out there so the likelihood of your meeting somebody with whom you click is exceedingly high if you've done the work on yourself (e.g. decent career prospects, no addictions, fit and healthy, always learning, etc).

I wouldn't worry about being 40: it's very likely that many or most of us will live to be 90, and even when you reach 50 you'll be remarking about how much you had going for yourself as 40. ("The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven", as somebody once wrote)

While not worrying about meeting somebody is the first thing, the second thing is to never come across as desperate. We are all sad and unsure about life when we open up about our fears - all of us who are reflective in any way, that is. You need to be conscious of this, because if you are you will be more confident in yourself. The deep talks will come, but if they are rushed and there's too much intensity at the start people will back off.

Could you start getting actively involved in things you're interested in? Could you get more active in your teaching subject activities? There are always plenty of really sound women attending them. In-service days? Nights out with work? (your female colleagues, if they're anything like mine, would be up to all sorts of tricks on the matchmaking roguery front with their own friends and yourself) Without being too utilitarian, in terms of quality of life there are innumerable benefits in one teacher marrying another (those holidays don't work out as well if your partner is working while you're not).

Even if you take up boot camp, running or walking you're going to meet the same people regularly and you could always talk to them. Walking clubs are everywhere nowadays, for instance. In essence, whatever your interests are, find a group of people who share it - meetup.com? - and you'll meet like-minded people that way. I definitely wouldn't be going to places I didn't enjoy just to meet people - you'll likely meet the wrong people for you there.

I wouldn't bother with internet dating; it seems like a lot of effort when, in online terms alone, you can just decide to pop into a meetup of your choice and start chatting a few hours later. If you work on yourself for the sake of improving you, you'll feel more confident and this will come across. A side effect of having a good sense of yourself is you'll make yourself more attractive. The more active you are, the more people you're going to meet. The more people you meet, the higher is the chance you'll meet somebody with that 'spark'. When you least expect it, something happens.

Lastly, given that you're single, I hope you realise that these days of freedom will not last? This is the most important point. If you do get your wish and marry somebody, you will not have this freedom for a long, long time if you have children. With the long holidays, you'll quite possibly become a babysitter and that could make you feel very restricted and stultified. In other words, enjoy every single minute of being single. Travel, learn a language, achieve something. Do not take this freedom for granted. Far too many people do not appreciate the freedom that comes with being single. What you do not have is not always better/far away fields are often not greener. Mair, a chapaill, agus gheobhaidh tú féar! (Live, horse, and you will get grass!)

LegacyUser

Gaiscioch thank you so much for that reply and taking the time out to word all that. You are right in so many ways and in lots of ways look I know myself I just have to appreciate everything I have going for me and enjoy life without worrying! Thank you again

Hi OP,

This is my first time here but I was compelled to respond to you. I want to let you know that you are not alone in how you feel. Sometimes I get so scared that it will always be just me. Unfortunately there is no magic wand or formula which can guarantee us all to share our lives with another. Instead what we can do is love ourselves and find contentment from within. Now I realise that sounds like a cliché but it's the truth.

There is a whole life inside of you OP. Find the things that you love and keep doing them.
It's hard out there. I hope you take comfort in the knowledge that myself and many others are feeling as you feel.

Persepoly.

dd972

''you will meet somebody special when you least expect it''

With respect, this is the biggest crock of s**t that people say about this, I'm in the same boat, where was this person all through my 20's and 30's then? I've lived and worked in different places and socialized extensively so have hardly lived the life of a hermit.

I've come to the conclusion that same people have the ability to find a spouse / partner effortlessly, it just seems to in their DNA, part of what and whom they are, these people start getting down in the dumps if they're single or celibate for three months. Others, like myself lack this ability so it simply won't happen, I've thrown the kitchen sink at this situation so don't want to hear any garbage about dating sites, joining clubs, asking women out for a coffee etc, done it all.

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

dellas1979

OP if you take the positives - youve at least met ladies. Thats half the battle! If you continue to keep putting yourself out there, you will meet someone!

I completely understand where you are coming from. The murky world of dating. And sparks. And no sparks. And unsureness.

But I see it all as a bit of fun (am female and if I so choose to let it (I dont) at least you dont have to worry about the kids/biological aspect or the inappropriate questions you get!).

Noodles81

Hi read your message and I could have written it myself. So many similarities, it was a relief to read your thoughts mirroring my own. I don't think your life is failing, no more than mine is. However, it is a taboo nearly to admit you want to settle down and start a family.

Other single friends of mine are having casual flings on Tinder etc. They come to me in tears about how they are treated. To seem less desperate about their real desires, they pretend they are like Samantha out of Sex and the City. But they want meaningful intimacy too, they are not 2 dimensional.

I think acknowledging your needs like you have done here is important. Yes being single is great and I love my independence but it's not like you lose that in the right relationship. Once you've experienced love and a desire to make a family of your own, doing your own thing isn't the goal in life anymore, in my opinion. Sharing the journey is what I want along with my life I have now.

It's like I have to justify my happiness as single person to friends and family. I'm not out dating despite getting offers because I'm focusing on myself right now and like you I'm doing a masters. I'm just not up for casual and that seems to be the fashion with a lot of guys my friends meet. I'm not knocking it at all, you only live once but it's just not what I need and suspect I'm not alone in that.

The word "desperate" gets bandied around a lot with regards to single people. It's very unfair and prevents people from honestly asking for what they really want out of life. For is it not true if we were truly desperate we'd have settled for past relationships and now be married? That's another way to look at it. I'd rather be single than tethered to someone I'm miserable with.

Anyway I just wanted to applaud your honesty. You've heard all the "sure you're a great catch", "she's out there, go get her!", "what's for you won't pass you" and the best one of all, "you'll meet her when your not looking"...which translates into "I think your being desperate so stop it and you'll meet someone." Enjoy your summer off and good luck!

LLMMML

I think you should keep trying Internet dating. Or take a break but try again later. 5 that didn't work out may seem a lot but how many people do we meet in our daily lives that we wouldn't go out with. We just don't think about it because we're not on a date with them. 5 is nothing and I think you should keep trying.