How long to get over an Ex?

Procession

Hello all

First time poster here.

I'd just like to ask what the usual timeframe is to get over an ex? My story is we were together for nearly 4 years and lived together fulltime for 3 of those.

It was a pretty bad breakup (no third party involvement or cheating that I'm aware of), it was more along the lines of we never had the breakup conversation but it had been slowly building for a couple of months and things finally came to an end. We both moved out of our home (the obligatory facebook deletion and blocking took place), and we've severed ties completely 5 months ago with ZERO contact or communication.

She had her reasons and I had mine yet I still find myself thinking about her all the all time, sometimes thoughts of still loving and missing her while other times thoughts of anger and frustration and wanting to vent at her. I nearly almost dream about her most nights, usually her with another guy and getting on with her life.

I've gotten on with my life too (new job, apartment, been seeing a couple of girls, took up some new hobbies) but even when I'm with them it's not quite the same and I still think of my ex.

Is this normal? Do I make a play for her again? Do I actually want to be with her again? Will this feeling of constantly thinking about her pass?

Thanks

Mr. Incognito

I think a good marker is half the length of time you were going out

Procession

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

I think a good marker is half the length of time you were going out

Jeez, really?

So another 18 months of this?

Some people get over a relationship quickly. Some people never get over a relationship. It might take one a month. It might take someone else a year. Others ten years.

The point I'm making is that there's no surefire answer because it all depends on the person and depends on the situation. Just keep carrying on with your life. Be normal and you'll get there eventually.

CaraMay

I think it kind of depends why it ended. I don't agree with 50% of the length of the relationship. You can choose to be over her in a period of time as it's really mind over matter. Train yourself to think of something different when she comes into your mind. You don't really sound like you want to get back with her tbh

Confucius say

You sound like you're doing all the right things. I'm in a similar boat. Even though I have no aspirations to reconcile with the person they still take up a lot of my headspace. All you can do mate is keep on going like you are and one day you'll realise you haven't thought about her in ages. Contacting her now would only slow down recovery, so don't do that!

Procession

CaraMay wrote: »

I think it kind of depends why it ended. I don't agree with 50% of the length of the relationship. You can choose to be over her in a period of time as it's really mind over matter. Train yourself to think of something different when she comes into your mind. You don't really sound like you want to get back with her tbh

Series of little niggly arguments (different interests, social lives etc coming between us, lack of trust with one another over certain things). I'm still completely conflicted as to whether I want to get back with her or not. What I am certain of is I definitely still love and miss her and miss her company.

Confucius say wrote: »

You sound like you're doing all the right things. I'm in a similar boat. Even though I have no aspirations to reconcile with the person they still take up a lot of my headspace. All you can do mate is keep on going like you are and one day you'll realise you haven't thought about her in ages. Contacting her now would only slow down recovery, so don't do that!

It's difficult though. The places you go that you went with that person before, the movies you watched together, the food you ate together - all constant reminders. It fills almost inescapable.

LegacyUser

Why were the trust issues not resolved? You say neither of you ever cheated in any way, did you think she would, did she think you would and why? They had to stem from somewhere, and sometimes it comes down to a fundamental difference in values, or a lack of commitment/love/ and too much doubt from one or both sides. Both of which are fairly unresolvable. Or it could of been bad communication, which would be very much resolvable. I think if you figure out the answers, even write the reasons down, you would feel more closure that it was the right decision, or even decide if its worth another shot.
I do think though its closure you need. It's hard to go no contact with someone who was such a huge part of your life.

Procession

post2707 wrote: »

Why were the trust issues not resolved? You say neither of you ever cheated in any way, did you think she would, did she think you would and why? They had to stem from somewhere, and sometimes it comes down to a fundamental difference in values, or a lack of commitment/love/ and too much doubt from one or both sides. Both of which are fairly unresolvable. Or it could of been bad communication, which would be very much resolvable. I think if you figure out the answers, even write the reasons down, you would feel more closure that it was the right decision, or even decide if its worth another shot.
I do think though its closure you need. It's hard to go no contact with someone who was such a huge part of your life.

I agree about the closure bit. When you're around someone for 4 years, day in/day out, and they're no longer around any more, it does feel like a death, and now in many ways feels like a grieving process.

There certainly were trust issues (her social circle consisted entirely of males which I would have resented, while likewise my female friends would be very 'forward' in their interaction with me, be it in person or through texts or social media, but it was always tongue in cheek and she obviously wrongly interpreted that as them making a play for me).

She was also more of a homebird who didn't like going out much whereas I loved going to gigs or bars or football games in England. She didn't like to drink much whereas I loved a few pints

Neyite

I've had quite a few break-ups and for me, the ones that broke my heart, took about 9-12 months at the most to get over. The ones where I knew it was the right decision but it still hurt took about 6 months or so.

Procession

Neyite wrote: »

I've had quite a few break-ups and for me, the ones that broke my heart, took about 9-12 months at the most to get over. The ones where I knew it was the right decision but it still hurt took about 6 months or so.

I do hope you're right

pookie82

Procession wrote: »

Jeez, really?

So another 18 months of this?

Don't get bogged down in this rule. It's true for some, but not for others. My last relationship reached almost 7 years... if I lived by this I still wouldn't be over it! When in fact I was, within a month or two.

It heavily depends on circumstance.

Procession

pookie82 wrote: »

Don't get bogged down in this rule. It's true for some, but not for others. My last relationship reached almost 7 years... if I lived by this I still wouldn't be over it! When in fact I was, within a month or two.

It heavily depends on circumstance.

Circumstances such as? Reasons for break up or time spent together?

As was mentioned earlier, lack of closure makes it even worse

Confucius say

This closure thing is a fallacy. The only person who can give you closure on this relationship is yourself. You'll realise that in time.

Lux23

I would not like to have these niggling doubts hanging over me and I would definitely get in touch with my ex and meet them for a chat. More than likely the break up was for the best but I don't know how you spend 4 years with someone and then let it end with a whimper like this.

pookie82

Procession wrote: »

Circumstances such as? Reasons for break up or time spent together?

As was mentioned earlier, lack of closure makes it even worse

Circumstance such as who wanted it over, who made the decision, was there cheating/betrayal involved? Was one party blind sided? etc.

All of these factors make a huge difference in how quickly you can get over someone and move on.

It doesn't sound like any of this was a factor in your situation, which means I don't think you need to prepare for the obligatory "half the time of the relationship" waiting period to be done with feeling like this.

I don't really understand the part where you say you never really had the break up conversation ... you lived together? Why did you move out? Surely something was said or done to indicate it was over before the social media blocking etc. came about?

At the risk of sounding corny, if you have lots you'd like to say to her, why not write her an email? THAT YOU NEVER SEND!! Just write it all down, everything you want to say. It's a rather theraputic way of getting things off your chest without reopening communications.

Procession

pookie82 wrote: »

Circumstance such as who wanted it over, who made the decision, was there cheating/betrayal involved? Was one party blind sided? etc.

All of these factors make a huge difference in how quickly you can get over someone and move on.

It doesn't sound like any of this was a factor in your situation, which means I don't think you need to prepare for the obligatory "half the time of the relationship" waiting period to be done with feeling like this.

I don't really understand the part where you say you never really had the break up conversation ... you lived together? Why did you move out? Surely something was said or done to indicate it was over before the social media blocking etc. came about?

At the risk of sounding corny, if you have lots you'd like to say to her, why not write her an email? THAT YOU NEVER SEND!! Just write it all down, everything you want to say. It's a rather theraputic way of getting things off your chest without reopening communications.

It was a heated argument when we were out, she went home to ours, I stayed in my parents, I came back the next day, she had gone to her parents. Not a word from her for a week, so I took my stuff and left likewise - apartment was vacant, she came back and took her stuff. No dialogue between us whatsoever during this. We never actually talked since the original argument. She left, I left, I took my stuff, she took her stuff, and 5/6 months later here we are. We don't have the same social circle or friends in common so we're not likely to randomly bump into each other anytime soon. Her family have blocked me too which is rather bizarre, considering we were all really close.

I'd like to talk to her about everything that happened but pride is a terrible thing - I don't want to be seen as the one to re-open lines of communication, especially when I believe it takes 2 to tango and we're both equally culpable for the situation.

We're both very stubbon people so If I was to get in touch, and she was to refuse to talk, I end up looking desperate. Additionally if I get in touch, her and her family can say 'he was the one who came crawling back'

Rock and a hard place springs to mind!

Lux23

Ah come on, you need to get in touch with her and start a dialogue. Who cares what her family think about it if you both want to get back together.

Procession

Lux23 wrote: »

Ah come on, you need to get in touch with her and start a dialogue. Who cares what her family think about it if you both want to get back together.

I'm not 100% certain I do, I have absolutely no idea what she's thinking. For all I know she could be madly in love with a new guy. And she hasn't contacted me either so.....

Confucius say

I'd just leave it if I were you. A healthy relationship would not leave you in this situation so just try and forget about it. If you had trust issues previously imagine throwing the fact you've both been with other people during break up into the mix. Move on buddy.

pookie82

Procession wrote: »

It was a heated argument when we were out, she went home to ours, I stayed in my parents, I came back the next day, she had gone to her parents. Not a word from her for a week, so I took my stuff and left likewise - apartment was vacant, she came back and took her stuff. No dialogue between us whatsoever during this. We never actually talked since the original argument. She left, I left, I took my stuff, she took her stuff, and 5/6 months later here we are. We don't have the same social circle or friends in common so we're not likely to randomly bump into each other anytime soon. Her family have blocked me too which is rather bizarre, considering we were all really close.

I'd like to talk to her about everything that happened but pride is a terrible thing - I don't want to be seen as the one to re-open lines of communication, especially when I believe it takes 2 to tango and we're both equally culpable for the situation.

We're both very stubbon people so If I was to get in touch, and she was to refuse to talk, I end up looking desperate. Additionally if I get in touch, her and her family can say 'he was the one who came crawling back'

Rock and a hard place springs to mind!

Well now things are making a little more sense ...

I have to say, that's a REALLY odd ending to a 4 year relationship. Not to get bogged down in the practicalities but I lived with an ex before and when we broke up we had to go through the motions of moving, serving notice, getting deposits back, etc. It's not something you go into lightly because of the hassle involved. How did you guys avoid speaking through all of that?

I can see why you're having difficulty... you didn't even have a "so this is it" conversation?

I still think it's too late to go back now, 5 months down the line. If it was 2 weeks ago I'd be suggesting a meet up on neutral ground if even only to hash out final issues and say goodbye. You didn't even get that. No wonder you're floundering.

It must hurt that her family have cut you off but they were always going to take her side in this, they're HER family. So I think suck that up and move on. Sounds like you both walked away from something so toxic you knew it was over without even explicitly saying so?

Try the email thing. Don't send it to her. But it'll help you clear out the issues in your own head if nothing else and get it all out in black and white.

Procession

pookie82 wrote: »

Well now things are making a little more sense ...

I have to say, that's a REALLY odd ending to a 4 year relationship. Not to get bogged down in the practicalities but I lived with an ex before and when we broke up we had to go through the motions of moving, serving notice, getting deposits back, etc. It's not something you go into lightly because of the hassle involved. How did you guys avoid speaking through all of that?

I can see why you're having difficulty... you didn't even have a "so this is it" conversation?

I still think it's too late to go back now, 5 months down the line. If it was 2 weeks ago I'd be suggesting a meet up on neutral ground if even only to hash out final issues and say goodbye. You didn't even get that. No wonder you're floundering.

It must hurt that her family have cut you off but they were always going to take her side in this, they're HER family. So I think suck that up and move on. Sounds like you both walked away from something so toxic you knew it was over without even explicitly saying so?

Try the email thing. Don't send it to her. But it'll help you clear out the issues in your own head if nothing else and get it all out in black and white.

She was a full time mature student and I paid all the rent and bills, so I took care of the direct debits etc. She took it upon herself to liase with the landlord and arrange the handing back of keys.

I'll give the email thing a go - I'll try anything at this stage

Thanks for your reply

pookie82

Procession wrote: »

She was a full time mature student and I paid all the rent and bills, so I took care of the direct debits etc. She took it upon herself to liase with the landlord and arrange the handing back of keys.

I'll give the email thing a go - I'll try anything at this stage

Thanks for your reply

Do, it'll help to air all you need to that's currently "stuck in your head".

Might be no harm to write out all the bad points of the relationship as well, reinforce them to yourself when you're feeling low.

Procession

pookie82 wrote: »

Do, it'll help to air all you need to that's currently "stuck in your head".

Might be no harm to write out all the bad points of the relationship as well, reinforce them to yourself when you're feeling low.

Like I said, we were both equally culpable, and I'm sure she'd have a fairly long list much like I would have. However, the good points list would be as equally extensive, ya know, as I'm sure it's like that in most relationships.

I'd be kidding myself into thinking the bad for out-weighed the good just to make me feel better

OnTheCouch

I don't think there's ever been a relationship that has broken up in the history of the universe where there weren't some regrets involved. Usually from the person who gets dumped, but sometimes on both sides. So in that respect you're hardly unusual.

And yes, many people will get over exes relatively quickly, but others won't, it may take up to several years. This is obviously going to be the case more for those that jump from one relationship to another with no time in between than those that are more picky with who they go out with.

I wouldn't let pride get in your way however if you do need to speak to her about whatever. Life is really too short for this sort of thing and if she genuinely is stubborn, she will probably be extremely relieved you held out the olive branch. Talking about things with each other may help you both to move on quicker - if that is what you both want of course.

Confucius say

OnTheCouch wrote: »

Talking about things with each other may help you both to move on quicker - if that is what you both want of course.

See I'd say the total opposite to that and think talking would only reignite emotions and set him back. Maybe that's just how it works for me though.

OnTheCouch

Confucius say wrote: »

See I'd say the total opposite to that and think talking would only reignite emotions and set him back. Maybe that's just how it works for me though.

I do see what you mean, but I think when people think constantly about others, a false picture is built up in their heads about what the other person is like, even if they know them well anyway. I believe this is something to do with how love works scientifically, thinking about someone all the time blinds you to their faults and produces feelings of infatuation. On the other hand thinking of them negatively can actually trick the brain into thinking the other individual is actually worse than they are in reality.

So if he still holds a torch for her, possibly, yes you are right, but otherwise I believe meeting has a good chance of awakening him as to what went wrong in the first place and realise that him and her weren't really meant to be together anyway. Even continue as friends perhaps, although this is often not a great idea.

Procession

I've thought about sending her a mail telling her she's the only person in the world more stubborn than me but life's to short and we should meet and close this off once and for all.

However I don't think I could handle either her saying no or completely ignoring my message.

CaraMay

Procession wrote: »

I've thought about sending her a mail telling her she's the only person in the world more stubborn than me but life's to short and we should meet and close this off once and for all.
However I don't think I could handle either her saying no or completely ignoring my message.

I don't think it's fair to do they and certainly not to start off by insulting her. It's months of no contact later and yet you want to meet her to formally break up with her? I would ignore you if I got a mail like that. Tbh op you don't know whet you are at. Do you want to meet for closure or to get back with her? A mail like that won't endear you to her in any way. Figure out what you actually want before you act.

Procession

CaraMay wrote: »

I don't think it's fair to do they and certainly not to start off by insulting her. It's months of no contact later and yet you want to meet her to formally break up with her? I would ignore you if I got a mail like that. Tbh op you don't know whet you are at. Do you want to meet for closure or to get back with her? A mail like that won't endear you to her in any way. Figure out what you actually want before you act.

When I said close it off I meant the uncertainty of everything considering there's been no communication and to gauge each other's feelings on the situation, not to meet and formally break up- I'm not crass or uncaring like that

ihavenoname3

how about sending her a letter, not text, in it basically say, you have no hard feelings, say you are sorry if you hurt her in any way, and wish her the best in the future. even if she doesn't respond, you will be the bigger person and that should not hurt your pride, the person who does not hold a grudge will move on quicker and be happier.

jus_tin4

Id be of the opinion of Ihavenoname3, Just recently broke up, maybe 2 months of no contact, wasn't the best of endings(emotions and all that) but i would like to think things have settle a little bit by now, I no longer have any anger or hurt towards her(which i think would be natural after a break up), Im considering the letter idea, just to leave it on better term, life is short, and letting someone go is a hard thing to do, but you grow from it, and learn more about yourself and who you are as a person from how you deal with it. I think being genuinely happy for the other person shows a certain sign of maturity, acceptance and growth, so by doing the letter, its another form of closure, thats my 2 cents anyways

Procession

ihavenoname3 wrote: »

how about sending her a letter, not text, in it basically say, you have no hard feelings, say you are sorry if you hurt her in any way, and wish her the best in the future. even if she doesn't respond, you will be the bigger person and that should not hurt your pride, the person who does not hold a grudge will move on quicker and be happier.

I've been thinking about the letter, but me saying I'm sorry if I hurt her in any way would surely looks like an admission of guilt on my behalf and reflect badly on me, would it not? I agree about being the bigger person but I honestly think I'd be p*ssing in the wind. Even if she wanted to reply, her family and mates would be in her ear so I can't see her re-opening lines of communication. Plus I wouldn't have a clue how to begin the letter

jus_tin4

Procession wrote: »

I've been thinking about the letter, but me saying I'm sorry if I hurt her in any way would surely looks like an admission of guilt on my behalf and reflect badly on me, would it not? I agree about being the bigger person but I honestly think I'd be p*ssing in the wind. Even if she wanted to reply, her family and mates would be in her ear so I can't see her re-opening lines of communication. Plus I wouldn't have a clue how to begin the letter

The sorry bit i would prob say not to include it( it takes two to tango) but i can understand you might feel responsible for half of it, but i can't really decide that for you. in my case i would be sorry for the situation/environment that was there, that a mature conversation couldnt occur, but that would be it..

and you might be at a lost cause, but if your doing it to win her back/open communication as you said, its very unlike to be successful so you are prob only torturing yourself for no real reason...

her family and friends and her future are her business, you have to learn to respect that, and that you are no longer within that group. its hard but true, i have had to accept it as well so sorry if its a blunt way of putting it.

I would only do the letter if it gave you closure, nothing else, and like everyone said you don't have to send it, its for you, not anyone else

CaraMay

The two of ye broke up due to stubbornness. The two of ye walked away from each other due to stubbornness. The two of ye have not talked since due to stubbornness. Are you really going to continue this bullsh1t stubbornness? Do you want to talk to her or not? If so, why?

I find it hard to believe if you were a good guy and it was such a good relationship that her friends and family would block you. I feel there is something we don't know.

At this point your post is turning into a blog. You aren't tKing advice on board and keep coming back with various reasons for not taking the advice. If you really loved the girl you wouldn't be allowing the stubbornness continue. I guess you don't really love the girl, your pride is injured and it's annoying you that she hasn't caved and run back to you.

ihavenoname3

Procession wrote: »

I've been thinking about the letter, but me saying I'm sorry if I hurt her in any way would surely looks like an admission of guilt on my behalf and reflect badly on me, would it not? I agree about being the bigger person but I honestly think I'd be p*ssing in the wind. Even if she wanted to reply, her family and mates would be in her ear so I can't see her re-opening lines of communication. Plus I wouldn't have a clue how to begin the letter

I don't understand the big issue about admitting you are wrong, i'm sure both of you are in the wrong in some way. if you are still thinking like that after a few months I would advise you not to send the letter, you are either going to be the bigger person or not, worrying about admitting guilt is a bit childish to be honest.
And you should know how to start the letter, you know her and the situation better than anyone, I didn't mean you should send the letter to get back with her, (just for closure), It is clear you don't really want to be with her, you just miss her like we all do when we split up with someone, plus two stubborn people in a relationship is a recipe for disaster.

tara73

OP, just from reading your first post ( I read all other ones too) it was clear you are having these problems of finding closure because of the aprupt break up, the non talking and, the others mentioned it already, the childish stubborness.

the break up wasn't a process, there was no communication, it just ended from one big argument with no talking anymore. It's pretty natural that she's following you, even in your dreams, because you didn't give each other the possibility to suss it out, it just ended.

The hard work you didn't had then, you have now. It's indeed tricky how to handle this now.
I would sit down, just with yourself, and figure out, what you want:

do you want to contact her and see her in person? if so, why and what is important to you, what do you want to ask her and what do you want to tell her?
ask yourself also, and important before you decide to meet her and ask for a vis-a-vis meeting: do you want to get together with her again or do you just want to ask/tell her some things to find closure and leave it there, maybe separate on better terms and not with this anger.
from what you write I actually get the feeling you don't really want to get togehter with her again, you just need some clearance and talking things out.

After you had this 'talk with yourself' you might come to the conclusion, you don't want a vis a vis meeting at all.
but if you want, and contact her (I would do it via e-mail, or actual letter, so she can read it and think about it in her own time) be also prepared she has this new life what you're fearing and she doesn't want to meet you at all. this will hurt too for the first time, but with that you have some closure too in the end.

all the best

Colser

This is only my opinion Op and I could be totally wrong (or not:)).
I think that what happened on the night of the argumant was your fault even though you dont want to admit it.Id even guess it was to do with the friendly way you carry on with your female friends.Id say stubborness stopped you apologising to your ex but now youre surprised that the split has continued this long and seems permanent.
If by any chance Im correct then you have only one option and that is to apologise and mean it.NO blaming her . Im thinking that its a case of you didnt know what you had until it was gone.
If Im all wrong about this then I apologise..:pac:

LegacyUser

Procession wrote: »

She had her reasons and I had mine yet I still find myself thinking about her all the all time, sometimes thoughts of still loving and missing her while other times thoughts of anger and frustration and wanting to vent at her. I nearly almost dream about her most nights, usually her with another guy and getting on with her life.

I've gotten on with my life too (new job, apartment, been seeing a couple of girls, took up some new hobbies) but even when I'm with them it's not quite the same and I still think of my ex.

I could have written exactly this following the end of my last relationship. I was devastated by it but also partially relieved at the same time so initially I threw myself into exercise, socialising, went on a few dates, got a new job, it seemed to everyone that I was doing great. I thought and dreamt of him as you do of your ex all the while though and once the dust settled after about six months, I actually felt worse rather than better. I HATED that my thoughts were still consumed by him, I felt he'd already stolen so much of my time while we were together and he was continuing to steal from me while we were apart. A little while ago it was exactly one year since we'd last spoken and I hit rock bottom. I couldn't go on feeling like this any more. I was in agonising turmoil. I spoke to someone about it and they gave me some novel (to me anyway) advice.

Bear with me here, now I'm not naturally a deeply religious or spiritual person but this person told me to try looking to my belief system in life and asking for help to let this anger go. I was skeptical at the time but a few days later while having some quiet contemplative time, I just thought to myself/the universe/superman/whoever/whatever to please help me to let go of this load. I felt pretty stupid but at this stage I was willing to try anything. I'm not going to lie and say I felt instant relief but gradually my shoulders began feeling lighter and at last I'm beginning to really feel like "me" again. It's been about 6 weeks now I'm trying to take some quiet time for myself at least once a week to stop, think and just be.

Maybe you need to forgive yourself for any perceived faults or failings on your part which might have contributed to the relationship ending. Do you really actually want to be with this girl again or are you feeling bad over the effect it seems to have had on her and her family and wanting to rectify that? Are you happier out of the relationship? Do you feel better now that you're doing your own thing? I'm not a fan of individualism but sometimes you have to put yourself and your needs first and accept that not everyone will be entirely happy about it.

I hope that if you can forgive yourself, you will find it easier to let go and move on.

Good luck

Procession

Letter sent. I feel a massive weight has been lifted

Procession

BeenThereBefore wrote: »

I could have written exactly this following the end of my last relationship. I was devastated by it but also partially relieved at the same time so initially I threw myself into exercise, socialising, went on a few dates, got a new job, it seemed to everyone that I was doing great. I thought and dreamt of him as you do of your ex all the while though and once the dust settled after about six months, I actually felt worse rather than better. I HATED that my thoughts were still consumed by him, I felt he'd already stolen so much of my time while we were together and he was continuing to steal from me while we were apart. A little while ago it was exactly one year since we'd last spoken and I hit rock bottom. I couldn't go on feeling like this any more. I was in agonising turmoil. I spoke to someone about it and they gave me some novel (to me anyway) advice.

Bear with me here, now I'm not naturally a deeply religious or spiritual person but this person told me to try looking to my belief system in life and asking for help to let this anger go. I was skeptical at the time but a few days later while having some quiet contemplative time, I just thought to myself/the universe/superman/whoever/whatever to please help me to let go of this load. I felt pretty stupid but at this stage I was willing to try anything. I'm not going to lie and say I felt instant relief but gradually my shoulders began feeling lighter and at last I'm beginning to really feel like "me" again. It's been about 6 weeks now I'm trying to take some quiet time for myself at least once a week to stop, think and just be.

Maybe you need to forgive yourself for any perceived faults or failings on your part which might have contributed to the relationship ending. Do you really actually want to be with this girl again or are you feeling bad over the effect it seems to have had on her and her family and wanting to rectify that? Are you happier out of the relationship? Do you feel better now that you're doing your own thing? I'm not a fan of individualism but sometimes you have to put yourself and your needs first and accept that not everyone will be entirely happy about it.

I hope that if you can forgive yourself, you will find it easier to let go and move on.

Good luck

Thanks for taking the time to write that

ihavenoname3

how did sending the letter go? did she reply? do you still feel good about sending the letter?

Procession

ihavenoname3 wrote: »

how did sending the letter go? did she reply? do you still feel good about sending the letter?

So I sent it last Monday and still haven't got a reply.

I don't regret sending it, however, I think I was too hard on myself in the letter and let her off lightly. If I could write it again I'd acknowledge that she had a bigger role in the breakup than she'd like to think or let on, and her M.O of painting me as the bad guy is way off the mark.

If she doesn't reply, I won't be entirely surprised, however considering i poured my heart onto the paper, the fact that we were together for close to 4 years, and the fact that there was no MAJOR bust up or fight towards the end, just an argument - I'd consider it bad form not to even get an acknowledgement.

People work in different ways I suppose.

Thanks for your feedback though

dudara

@ihavenoname3 - Asking for updates is expressly forbidden in this forum. The OP is under zero obligation to provide updates. We are not voyeurs.

dudara

Procession

dudara wrote: »

@ihavenoname3 - Asking for updates is expressly forbidden in this forum. The OP is under zero obligation to provide updates. We are not voyeurs.

dudara

I genuinely don't mind I feel much better talking about it

dudara

Procession wrote: »

I genuinely don't mind I feel much better talking about it

If you want to talk, you are more than welcome anytime. But requesting updates is a strict no-no (trust me, there are good reasons). If you come back here to talk, it's because you want to.

dudara

Procession

duly noted

Wompa1

Fair play, OP! You're a stronger man than I. I've been devastated and gone through the obsessive stage after a break up. You've got a much more level head than me. I look back now and realize, I fed into any negative thoughts my ex had of me by trying to contact her and find out why etc. It was stupid on my part.

Like you, I moved, new job...eventually years later settled into another relationship after some other shaky relationships since.

No matter how this works out. Trust your instincts and don't worry about it. Everything will work out for the best.

Procession

Wompa1 wrote: »

Fair play, OP! You're a stronger man than I. I've been devastated and gone through the obsessive stage after a break up. You've got a much more level head than me. I look back now and realize, I fed into any negative thoughts my ex had of me by trying to contact her and find out why etc. It was stupid on my part.

Like you, I moved, new job...eventually years later settled into another relationship after some other shaky relationships since.

No matter how this works out. Trust your instincts and don't worry about it. Everything will work out for the best.

You should give it a go. Any bad feeling will fester inside you - I used to be a sucker for holding grudges (not that I am justified in doing so in this instance) but I've realised life's too short. Ideally I'd like to hear from her and know she's ok and maybe talk but I've accepted now I probably won't

Good luck

ihavenoname3

Procession wrote: »

You should give it a go. Any bad feeling will fester inside you - I used to be a sucker for holding grudges (not that I am justified in doing so in this instance) but I've realised life's too short. Ideally I'd like to hear from her and know she's ok and maybe talk but I've accepted now I probably won't

Good luck

careful op, it would be nice if she responded and left it at that but if ye talk, then before you know it, ye might meet for a coffee, one thing leads to another, ye get feelings for one another, and before you know it ye are back in a relationship, a few months down the line ye are not getting on and split again, leaving you both back at square one. might be for the best if she doesn't reply, even if she doesn't reply, she probably thinks more of you for sending the letter but feels its best not to talk again and stir up emotions.

Procession

ihavenoname3 wrote: »

careful op, it would be nice if she responded and left it at that but if ye talk, then before you know it, ye might meet for a coffee, one thing leads to another, ye get feelings for one another, and before you know it ye are back in a relationship, a few months down the line ye are not getting on and split again, leaving you both back at square one. might be for the best if she doesn't reply, even if she doesn't reply, she probably thinks more of you for sending the letter but feels its best not to talk again and stir up emotions.

That's the thing though - I really want to meet her and chat to her about everything - but obviously the lack of response to letter speaks volumes about her take on the situation