How to break up with someone who you've only been on 1 date with

????????

Hi All, firstly thank you for taking the time to read my post.

So I met this girl on OKCupid, I had literally just gone on holiday when I started talking to her, but her profile pictures seemed nice. I asked her for her phone number and we started messaging each other through whatsapp. She seemed like a very genuine girl, but one thing that did worry me is that she was very forward about talking about having children etc. However we did speak everyday and even had a few phone calls which I think went very well.

We spoke for 3 weeks and exchanged pictures till I finally got home and we met up for a date. The date was alright, but she definitely showed me her better pictures and was very sure not to give me a full body image and I understand why. She wouldn't be the slimmest of girls, now I am not totally against overweight people, but I work out 4 times a week and I always watch what I eat. When we spoke on the phone she made it seem like she was the same, she was always talking about going out for walks and healthy cooking.

So anyway, the date ends up back in my place and we have a little fun together. I travel with work so on Monday I left but I still phoned her up, but this is where things start to get weird. So on Wednesday I had a long day in work and came home at about 9pm and fell asleep right away, she sent me a couple of messages asking me if I was out and there was an implication in the texts that I was out with another girl. I tried to play it off and sent her a message the next morning explain that I was tired the night before etc. She gives me the silent treatment all day, at about 4 she starts some excuse the her phone wasn't recieving the messages but they were clearly read on whatsapp. Might I remind you all I've been on 1 date with this girl.

Anyway so we were meant to be meeting up tomorrow because she said she was having a girls night tonight, so I made other plans with a friend of mine who I never get to see anymore who is going on holidays tomorrow. She messages me at 2pm and says lets go out tonight, I tell her about meeting my friend and shes all like leave early and come out with her and her friend and her friends bf. Now, I don't drink so the whole nightclub scene is not my style and also I want to hang with my friend, but she flips at me telling me things like if I don't want to see her on a Friday she wont waist her energy trying to convince me, it was all very passive aggressive. She tells me shes meeting up with her brother tomorrow etc.

So I am now feeling, I've given this a shot, I've overlooked the fact that I am not 100% attracted to her, but this weird clinginess is getting to me. I am not feeling it at all and I want to end it. The problem is that she seems to think we are this big couple now because we've spoken a lot on the phone. Not only this, but this always happens to me. Every time I get involved with a girl and i want to end it, even if it's only for a short time, I have to deal with all this emotional break up crap. I don't want to tell her the truth that I am not really attracted to her, but I want it to end. Whats should I do.

Thanks for reading and all advice is welcomed.

Ah ffs, just tell her you don't feel the spark and move on!

Life's too short for that messing.

JeffKenna

You just don't respond to her future messages, she'll get the hint.

Don't just ignore her outright. Tell her you're not interested. It's the sensible thing to do.

Celly Smunt

"You're in bits get out of my life"


Or just don't reply

yogalady

Thank you for a nice evening. I didn't feel any spark so I won't be seeing you again. Best wishes for the future. Regards

cazzer22

Just be honest with her. Explain that you've enjoyed getting to know her, she's a nice girl, but you're not sure there's chemistry there/or that you're right for each other. Don't respond to any future texts. She sounds like a bit of a nightmare, getting that attached after a few phone calls and a date.

LegacyUser

You're leading her on. You said you weren't attracted to her when you first saw her so why bring her back to your place?
She obviously has issues aswell after being clingy after one date but you aren't helping the situation by continuing the banter. Just be honest and man up.

dudara

Posters - a gentle reminder that all advice should be constructive

dudara

miamee

Be honest with her. You're no longer feeling it and you don't think meeting up again is a good idea.
It would be a bit rich to berate her lack of honesty about her lifestyle and image if you're not going to be honest about things with her either. Being honest is not always easy but it's almost always the best course of action.

Penny Tration

I agree that if you didn't actually like her, you really should have nipped it in the bud rather than bring her back to yours.

However, these things happen, and she's clearly a bit of a clinger.

I wouldn't just ignore her because that's quite unfair. I'd suggest you text her and say 'Hiya Mary, I really enjoyed meeting you the other night and our phone calls. Unfortunately, I don't think this will go anywhere because I'm not feeling much of a spark. Best of luck and thanks again for the other night.'

Then do not reply to her texts. Ignore calls. The works. If she's as clingy as she comes across, she'll contact you obsessively for a bit. Ignore it all because any response will be an encouragement to her!

Next time, if it feels wrong, it probably is.

dellas1979

100% agree with jenny.

Dont ignore her. Thats cowardly lads. Be honest, nip it in the bud, and everything else jenny said above.

JeffKenna

dellas1979 wrote: »

100% agree with jenny.

Dont ignore her. Thats cowardly lads. Be honest, nip it in the bud, and everything else jenny said above.

Yes 100% correct. Be honest and tell her you don't find her attractive and that she's clingy and overbearing. That's a lot more compassionate than ignoring her...

CaraMay

You probably could tell her that she's showing signs of being erratic and clingy and that it's off putting. It might be the most valuable feedback given to her

dellas1979

JeffKenna wrote: »

That's a lot more compassionate than ignoring her...

Most people, especially women, respond to honesty better than the cowardly running away.

Penny Tration

CaraMay wrote: »

You probably could tell her that she's showing signs of being erratic and clingy and that it's off putting. It might be the most valuable feedback given to her

Tbh, I agree with this, that someone should tell her what she's like.

But does the OP want the inevitable drama that will arise?

I tried that before. Told a boyfriend after a few months that it was all too clingy and obsessive. Cue 100+ texts that day to abuse me! It's not worth the drama.

Dial Hard

JeffKenna wrote:

Yes 100% correct. Be honest and tell her you don't find her attractive and that she's clingy and overbearing. That's a lot more compassionate than ignoring her...

No-one is advocating he tell the girl she's a bunny-boiling minger. But yes, telling her "Listen, I'm just not feeling it and I think it's better we don't see eachother again" is a hundred million times preferable to just doing a fade.

OP, what you said about this happening to you on a regular basis stuck out to me. Maybe you're coming on way too strong yourself in the lead-up to dates, with the constant phone contact, etc, and that's setting up an expectation in these girls' heads that you're on board for getting very serious very quickly? The fact that you took this girl home even after deciding you weren't that into her and then kept texting her, etc would suggest to me that your actions towards these women are not necessarily matching your thoughts.

In future, maybe take it a bit easier before you meet these women. It'll make it a lot easier to extricate yourself from the situation afterwards if it turns out that you're not actually that attracted to them after you meet.

LegacyUser

By the sounds of it she has an immense fear of being dropped after meeting up with you and then going back to yours. It's probably happened to her a few times and the fear that you're not interested anymore after meeting with her has brought out the clinginess and pushiness. She sounds very insecure. Be honest with her that it seems she's being overly clingy and its put you off her, and you know shes not right for you. Perhaps she might learn to ease off with men in future.
If you say you hadn't felt much of a spark after date she will feel hurt that you led her on and brought her back to fool around.

IlmoNT4

Dont ignore her or be one of thoes guys that just disappears...

Call her up, and tell her that you think shes a great person etc but you dont feel that a relationship could develop. Nice to meet you and best of luck.

Hang up and phone and then do not engage with her after that....Dont respond to text messages etc.

Thats the right way to do it....Seriously OP if you werent interested in her, you should have ended your first date early and gone home alone with a follow up call the next day saying thanks but no thanks, rather than going home with her. In her eyes, you've both been calling and speaking to each other, the first date was such a success that you both ended up at home together and a second date was planned. Shes excited and thinks you are into her, and you havent given her any indication that her reality isnt true.

danslevent

I think three weeks worth of texting and phone calls is a bit much, like if you had met her after a week instead or a few days, then so much less effort would have invested.

In future you should try Meet up with them as fast as possible, all this faffing around with technology is silly when you can't know if you're properly attracted to someone until you Meet in real life.

MagicMarker

JeffKenna wrote: »

Yes 100% correct. Be honest and tell her you don't find her attractive and that she's clingy and overbearing. That's a lot more compassionate than ignoring her...

Telling someone they're ugly and clingy is what you call compassionate???

I'd rather just be ignored then to hear that from someone.

CaraMay

I don't think he needs to be nasty about it magicmarker but maybe she is making the same mistakes with all guys she meets... There is a nice way to tell her that her actions made him uncomfortable. After all that's the real reason he doesn't want to see her anymore

beks101

CaraMay wrote: »

I don't think he needs to be nasty about it magicmarker but maybe she is making the same mistakes with all guys she meets... There is a nice way to tell her that her actions made him uncomfortable. After all that's the real reason he doesn't want to see her anymore

I'm not sure it is. He said right off the bat he wasn't attracted to her, she was a lot bigger than her pictures and he's not into overweight women.

Par for the course with online dating. "Curvy" body type or a rake of head-shots-only = overweight. "6 foot" and no group shots = 5"6. People will false advertise and that's life, but if something was a bit of dealbreaker for me and I wasn't made aware until I met them, I wouldn't deal with it by taking them home and sleeping with them and then calling them the next day and arranging a second date.

I suspect the problem is this lady has dealt with this a LOT before and as a result is insecure and clingy, combined with the fact that the OP is just feeding the problem. Be direct. On the first date or on the follow up. The girl was talking about babies before they even met for christ's sake, she's not just going to slink off into the night while the OP is still calling and texting and making plans to meet again.

I think Dialhard hit the nail on the head. OP, if you're not into someone, don't give them mixed messages or any kind of encouragement that would imply the opposite. Yes, it's OK to say "Lovely to meet up and thanks for a great night but I'm not feeling it and this isn't going to go anywhere." In the long run, that's a lot more compassionate than thinking one thing and saying/doing the other and expecting her to get the message. She won't.

eviltwin

I would keep it short and sweet. Yes, you could be a really nice guy and give her the constructive criticism that might help her in the future but, with all respect to the girl, are you bothered? Dating, especially online dating, is like this, you meet someone online, click and seem to have a connection but it just isn't there face to face. Its normal. Its not nice but she has to be realistic and accept it for what it is. Going on your description of her it might be the case that she will be a "but why" person, be as honest as you feel comfortable but I would just say there was no chemistry in person and you aren't feeling it and you don't want to waste your or her time. Its polite without being mean and you're being honest, you aren't into her.

LegacyUser

To give the girl a bit of credit, we dont know how intense your texts and messaging was in the three weeks. She may consider that you guys are together for a month.

People see that part of online dating differently. Some people take the "relationship" seriously from the start. She even spoke about her desire to have children with you in these conversations. The fact that you didnt say "whoah lets not talk about that" or keep the conversations a bit more formal probably makes her think that both of you are on the same page.

as far as she is concerned, shes looking for serious relationship, she thinks you are too and youve been showing all the signs of someone who is into it just as much as she is. She probably thinks its fun to be around you and that you have both been getting on great, getting physically and emotionally intimate between the date and the other few weeks of talking and now she cant understand for some reason you are backing away.

the lesson i suppose is not to invest too much before meeting.

you had expectations of her prior to meeting (her weight, the possible chemistry) but she had expectations from you also based on whatever you two discussed in your chats and on your date.

ILikeBananas

Something similar happened to me once. We'd been chatting for less than a week but we had a great on-line rapport built up in that time. When we met up however, I was disappointed to see that she was a long way off any of her pictures. I knew pretty much straight away that I wouldn't be making a long term relationship out of this but just decided to try and enjoy the evening anyway. Stupidly I ended up getting drunk and bringing her back to my place. The following night I texted her and told her that I didn't see it going anywhere. Cue a tirade of messages guilt tripping me for leading her on. I felt awful over the whole episode but knew that nipping it in the bud there and then was the right call.

OP, you've already made the mistake of going to bed with the girl when you probably knew there wasn't any long term future in it. Don't compound your errors by dragging this out any longer. Oh and don't give her the silent treatment either. That's just gutless. Nobody deserves that.

Merkin

I wouldn't be overly effusive in saying thanks for a great night etc, being intimate would have given her the wrong impression in the first place so there is no need for any more mixed messages.

Be kind but direct.

'Hey there, it was nice to finally meet you but I can't see anything further happening between us as there was no spark and so don't want to waste your time. Best of luck'

????????

Hi Guys,

Thanks for all the advice, but it actually worked out well for me in the end.

So on Friday I wasn't really replying to her that much, stayed very calm and basically stated my case saying that I didn't feel I was in the wrong meeting up with my friend.

She went out anyway, got really drunk, sent a few abusive things, which again I stayed calm throughout. Then at the end she sent me a text saying "game over". I know it was an alcohol fueled dumping but I took my out and said if that's what she wanted the it was ok with me. I then blocked her on whatsapp.

I would like to address a few points made during the thread.
I was on holidays when we got chatting on whatsapp, I would have met up with her sooner if I was not. She was a nice person to talk to and this is the reason why I overlooked the overweight issue, my real upset was the misrepresentation. She told me she didn't drink much, yet in the 3 weeks chatting she was drunk at least 8 times. She told me she was a healthy eater and liked to exercise, but there was no way that was true based on her size. My sister and he husband were on holidays with us and they have 3 young children who I adore, so during our conversations I did speak about them a lot and mentioned that what I am looking for is someone to have children with, which is true. She mentioned a lot that she wanted to have children too but never mentioned that it was with me.

I mentioned that this happens to me a lot, but this is actually my first time meeting someone from online dating. So I don't drink, so when I go out I generally try to meet girls before they are too drunk. I like to be a brief part of their night, I have a quick chat with them at maybe 10pm, get a phone number and sometimes a quick kiss. I will then ring them during the week for a date. What happens a lot to me is because my pick up method is different to the typical dunked shag technique which is normally practiced in Ireland, I tend to be put in the boyfriend category. A lot of time I will be with someone and I know it's not going to end in marriage, but I like their company. Call it a fling if you will. I don't talk about marriage or babies but generally we have a nice time together going on dates and getting to know each other. So lets say a month passes and I am not feeling it anymore, I want to break up. Suddenly I am dealing with 14 years mentality with relation to the break up. Ill give you an example. I dated a girl for 1 month in 2006 and I broke up with her, for about a year I got barraged with text messages and voice mails ranging from "You f&*king b*%tard, how could you do this to me" to "<crying> I'm sorry, I just miss you so much" to this day 9 years later she still tries to add me on Facebook despite me never responding, I would say she's done it about 15 times now with the last time being 3 weeks ago.

I'm not an a$$hole either, I have gone out with girls who I like for a lot longer, but I do seem to meet this really clingy psycho types and it's hard to get rid of them.

But thank you all for the advice, maybe I do come on a little strong, but don't we all when you're smitten with someone. I really though from speaking to the girl on the phone that we had a connection and there was a future, I really felt I gave it a shot and I would have overlooked the weight issue is she didn't turn all psycho on my during the week.

Penny Tration

Said she wanted kids, but didn't say she wanted them with you? What?!!

Read that back - that's an absolutely bonkers way of thinking! Why would you even think that?

I think, based on you being somewhat put out that she didn't announce her desire to have kids with you, that you should possibly back away from dating anyone for a while. That's a far from healthy way of thinking. It sounds as though your unhealthy thought processes are attracting equally unhealthy women.

????????

Jenny Thalia wrote: »

Said she wanted kids, but didn't say she wanted them with you? What?!!

Read that back - that's an absolutely bonkers way of thinking! Why would you even think that?

I think, based on you being somewhat put out that she didn't announce her desire to have kids with you, that you should possibly back away from dating anyone for a while. That's a far from healthy way of thinking. It sounds as though your unhealthy thought processes are attracting equally unhealthy women.

What are you on about. I said she wanted kids as in she was looking for someone to have kids with. I was correcting what someone else has said about that she said she wanted them with me. I was put off by the fact that she misrepresented herself and started acting like a psycho when I didn't speak to her for one night.

Tigger99

Jenny I've had guys say that they want kids, in passing conversation. Now they didn't specifically necessarily mean with me (sure how could they it was usually a date or two in). I think that's what the op was saying.

Penny Tration

My bad op, I obviously read it not in the way it was intended!

LegacyUser

It really just sounds op like you give a good impression to the girls. They think everything is fine and they think things are moving along nicely.

for some reason after say a month or so, you realise the girl is not for you but its a complete shock to the girl. And she reacts badly because she feels rejected and doesnt understand why one minute you were the perfect guy and now dumping her for no reason.

im pretty sure that girl feels that you used her for sex and she probably feels that she was vunerable with you and opening up to you then you slept together and now you have distanced yourself. I dont think she is a psycho though but probably hasnt handled herself in the most dignified way although neither have you as you shouldnt have slept with her if you knew you were not attracted to her.

Generally when your meeting or chatting to someone and i imagine in online dating, a kind of mention of "oh I see children in the future" and response of "Oh yea me too eventually" is not saying she wants them with you but she is saying were she stands and that and if you agree, it implies that you want the same things in life which is going to impress her and make her think maybe. I think that's fairly obvious.

Just to note also i would be very wary of anyone saying that they tend to meet mainly "pyscho" women. It would be a red flag for me personally.

Tigger99

Huge plus one to the above. The common dominator is you. I'm not saying that to have a dig, I think you sound like a decent bloke albeit confused and frustrated with the women you are meeting. Maybe time to re-evaluate the type of women you approach, or how you do it?

JeffKenna

Seems odd that a girl would still be trying to contact you for 9 years after a one month courting period, no matter how physo she is. It seems like you've been involved with a number of insecure/vulnerable girls. I would try to address this issue as a priority.

secondcap

Tell her straight out your not interested as if your hearts not in it you will only hurt her more by going on more dates, happened to me recently and I so wish I was save from those extra couple of dates as my confidence is shot to pieces after being dropped

LegacyUser

The girls' reaction don't sound surprising to me at all after reading your dating history.

As mentioned by others above, from those ladies' point of view you were being really nice and gentle from the start you talk to them, not like the drunken ones who only want to get into their pants (although from my own point of view I'm not sure if that's actually what YOU want only), which led to the categorization of you as a perfect "boyfriend", as someone who worth putting effort on establishing serious relationship with. They feel hurt, heart broken, and maybe betrayed after you break up with them in that "all of a sudden" way, because you didn't let them know earlier that it was not your intention to have a further step with them. They feel that you're playing with their heart and feelings. Women, at least some women, really hate that, although they can't help being involved into it with some guy they feel nice and attractive, who unfortunately doesn't feel the same way to them.

I know relationships are not supposed to be bound with rules in general and everyone has a different manner with their own, but for god's sake OP, stop doing this to women in the future!!! At least not to bring her home if you are not really into her.

Sorry for being judgmental.

Flippyfloppy

I agree with the above post. While it's great that you're nice you really shouldn't lead people on to such a degree if you're not sure about them. Take it slow in future. And if you can't walk the walk don't talk the talk.

????????

So just to clear this up, I should not be nice to someone if I am not interested in them?

Normally I start off very attracted to the person, but then they will do or say something that completely turns me off. That doesn't mean I'm going to start acting like an a$$hole to them, but at that point I will end the relationship, which may seem out of the blue but feelings are like that, they can change very quickly.

Ill give you a random example of something that turned me off someone. I was dating this girl once and we were taking a taxi home. She had a few drinks on her and literally in front of the taxi driver started saying that all taxi drivers are idiots and she finds it annoying that they think they know everything. This arrogant behavior was a total turn off for me, and once I'm turned off it very hard to flip the switch.

Then I tend to worry about the break up and sometimes procrastinate a little. But I do try to make sure they know this is it, it's over 100% closure.

zeffabelli

???????? wrote: »

So just to clear this up, I should not be nice to someone if I am not interested in them?

Normally I start off very attracted to the person, but then they will do or say something that completely turns me off. That doesn't mean I'm going to start acting like an a$$hole to them, but at that point I will end the relationship, which may seem out of the blue but feelings are like that, they can change very quickly.

Ill give you a random example of something that turned me off someone. I was dating this girl once and we were taking a taxi home. She had a few drinks on her and literally in front of the taxi driver started saying that all taxi drivers are idiots and she finds it annoying that they think they know everything. This arrogant behavior was a total turn off for me, and once I'm turned off it very hard to flip the switch.

Then I tend to worry about the break up and sometimes procrastinate a little. But I do try to make sure they know this is it, it's over 100% closure.

Maybe don't sleep with them until you are more certain about how you feel.

If you're feelings are that fickle then you need to be more careful.

denhaagenite

Your own description makes it sound like you're leading them on. Take your last example- you should have told her immediately that you find it unacceptable to badmouth someone like that, given her a chance to explain herself and if the explanation wasn't satisfactory then told her that you weren't interested in taking it any further. You should not engage in any contact with them after you tell them you're not interested. It's really that simple.

Potatoeman

???????? wrote: »

So just to clear this up, I should not be nice to someone if I am not interested in them?

Normally I start off very attracted to the person, but then they will do or say something that completely turns me off. That doesn't mean I'm going to start acting like an a$$hole to them, but at that point I will end the relationship, which may seem out of the blue but feelings are like that, they can change very quickly.

Ill give you a random example of something that turned me off someone. I was dating this girl once and we were taking a taxi home. She had a few drinks on her and literally in front of the taxi driver started saying that all taxi drivers are idiots and she finds it annoying that they think they know everything. This arrogant behavior was a total turn off for me, and once I'm turned off it very hard to flip the switch.

Then I tend to worry about the break up and sometimes procrastinate a little. But I do try to make sure they know this is it, it's over 100% closure.

I wouldnt feel too guilty op. People here are trying to put all the responsibility on you and in the first case it was your first real date. There are no guarantees at that stage. If a guy acted they way that girl acted he would be called more than clingy.

LegacyUser

Op I am just going by what you say in your posts but it comes across that you are a bit of a perfectionist probably very hard on yourself but also too hard on other people and have unrealistic expectations from people.

people are flawed. Some eat a little extra cake every now and then, some people say things to taxi drivers that might be offensive. These things don't define the whole person though and most of the time there are positive traits that make the flaws insignificant. That's how people end up together in successful relationships. They accept the flaws.

A woman's flaws are not a reflection of you. You don't need to feel embarrassed by other people's flaws. People are individual.

You will never meet the ideal person who looks, says and does everything that you feel should be said and done. And life and relationships would be pretty boring and predictable if you did.

Flippyfloppy

???????? wrote: »

So just to clear this up, I should not be nice to someone if I am not interested in them?

Normally I start off very attracted to the person, but then they will do or say something that completely turns me off. That doesn't mean I'm going to start acting like an a$$hole to them, but at that point I will end the relationship, which may seem out of the blue but feelings are like that, they can change very quickly.

But I do try to make sure they know this is it, it's over 100% closure.

Just to clarify , another poster has said people are trying to put the responsibility on you. On the contrary people are just offering you advice. You're doing most things right regarding how you treat people, and break up with them.

Just try not to become too attracted or put new dates on a pedestal until you really know them, as it sounds like they usually do something unexpected. It sounds like you usually think they're someone they're not. Don't talk about what you want in life, like kids, until you know the person better.

LegacyUser

Flippyfloppy wrote: »

Just to clarify , another poster has said people are trying to put the responsibility on you. On the contrary people are just offering you advice. You're doing most things right regarding how you treat people, and break up with them.

Just try not to become too attracted or put new dates on a pedestal until you really know them, as it sounds like they usually do something unexpected. It sounds like you usually think they're someone they're not. Don't talk about what you want in life, like kids, until you know the person better.

Exactly.

OP, there's nothing wrong for being nice to everybody, even those ones you later on find something you are against with. All I'm saying in the previous post is, if you realize that they are not perfect for you and there's no way you could tolerate their flaws, please be nice to them as a regular friend or, one level down, be polite to them as normal strangers, but not to be in the way of a fling. And always let them know before you cut the connection.