marriage over

LegacyUser

Hi, this is very raw as only happened this week but have read here before so hopefully can get advice
Married 4 year together 11. Without going into alot of details its mostly my fault I wasn't a good husband. I didn't cheat on her but wasn't good. Of course they used to be good times but alot of fighting especially in front of kids we were both stubborn people and a bit childish truth be told. I have mental health issues which I was addressing but gave up. So I'm looking for somewhere to live as we have separated. She said she's angry and hurt and couldn't take anymore she finally broke and had to split for her and kids sake. I know she's right. I'm miserable without them and know I've messed up. She gives hints that if I sort my issues like affection and generally showed i care then there may be a future down the line but for now she wants to split. I don't want to cling to this hope only to be told in 6 months there's no hope, I'd be hurting all over again
I've booked in with new counsellor next week. My family aren't talking to me and I've no friends anymore. I work mostly on my own so no body to chat even about day to day stuff.
I know it's about keeping this as normal as possible for the kids and really don't enjoy that we must 0ell them this weekend.they picked up on lots of fighting so need to make sure they know there loved. She has a great family and network of friends behind her for support. I know the hardest thing in the world is when she moves on to someone else that will kill me as I'm a jealous type of person and would have accused her before without basis. I also threatened to leave on a few occasions and did walk out but only in temper and always came back. I admire her for being strong enough to leave me. I joined a gym a few months ago as i know a few stone over weight so will keep working on this

I guess my questions are, should I hold onto hope or just let go
How best to move on from it
How to deal with her finding another man if she does
How to keep busy keep my mind off it i don't have any hobby or know of anywhere to start looking good you'd do volunteering or anything just don't know where to start. I'm very shy and nervous type and don't converse very well
How do I let her know how sorry I am without suffocating her
Most importantly how can I make it easier for the kids not to be affected

Thanks in advance

nc19

Maybe try to sort your issues out for yourself

Maybe later you can get your life back

Eeden

It's very admirable that you are so concerned with minimising the trauma for your kids. This is very important. It shows that you are a caring father.

Being together and fighting is probably more damaging to your kids than being separated and making sure that they know they are loved and are not at fault for the break up.

You are already jumping ahead and imagining your wife in a new relationship. This has not happened yet. Also, try not to think about your possible future relationships. It's too soon. You obviously realise that you may have to deal with these things and learn how to cope if and when they do happen; that's half the battle.

Keep up with counselling and try to keep communication open with your wife to let her know that you don't want to use the kids as a battleground.

LegacyUser

Hey

You sound like a caring and compassionate man. I'm sure you have a lot to offer so don't give up.

Marriage is not for a few months or years, it is for life. When two people say "I do" in front of God they better mean it because a marriage is never to be broken. If its not working, you have to figure things out and fix it. Therefore, the first piece of advice I would give is fight for your marriage. Do not give up, for your sake, for the sake of your wife and the sake of your children. Fight for it even if it hurts. Don't even consider another option.

Secondly, as a husband you have duties to fulfill. Your wife needs to be able to rely on you, to feel safe around you. You need to be her rock. She will look to you for leadership in life. If you perceive a weakness in yourself you have to stamp it out for the sake of your marriage. No excuses, it just has to go. Again, key here is hard work and patience.

Talk to her. Tell her you want to change for the better. Tell her you meant "till death do us part" with every fiber of your being. Remember why you fell in love with her. Use this to motivate yourself. You will be doing what is best for your family. Your kids will remember this about you.

In tough times, it is important not to feel isolated. Make sure you get some exposure to other people or your thoughts will drive you insane. Make the effort, even if it means just going for a stroll and smiling at passers by.

It is trials like this that make us who we are. Don't forget that God is there for you. You can read the Bible and it will bring you great comfort. Be strong, I will keep you in my prayers.

LegacyUser

Hi,
Thanks for advice
Wrangler I do appreciate what your saying but i think she needs time away from me at the moment and little contact only for kids sake. I stayed at home for final time last night and we talked a bit and it seems it's definitely over
I would do anything for this but risk killing it more if I try too strong. We told kids today and it's very hard to see them like that.

Thanks again

eviltwin

Sometimes the break can be the best thing in a situation like this. I am sure the past while hasn't been easy for you but equally its probably not been a walk in the park for her. Its hard work living with someone who has mental health issues and you say yourself you haven't been a good husband.

I would respect her need for space at this time and use this as a the way up call you need to sort yourself out once and for all. Keep up with your counselling, work on your issues, be a good and reliable parent, don't pressure her. Your ideas regards exercise and volunteering are great, not only will it help keep you focused it will show to her that you are committed to change.

No one can say what the future will hold but you're wife is hurt and probably has little trust in you at the moment. Prove her wrong and it might just be possible to salvage things.

LegacyUser

Thanks again

I'm not contacting her only in reply to things about the kids. She would normally initiate contact regarding them. Thing is tho she'll start about them and then sometimes (not always) move onto things like how's apartment hunting going, are your parents still not talking to you etc. Then today she texted me at work about kids first then saying how upset she still is. I said I'm also upset still and she said well too late for that. I know it is but I told i wish she didn't tell me stuff like that as I feel crap every minute of the day and can't sleep but am trying not to reply to her texts or at least give her impression that I don't want to text but afraid she will think I don't care if I don't. I don't know what she is thinking. She's told everyone so I know she wants it over with but why keep up contact apart from kids if she so upset

Help!!

Confucius say

brokenmarriage07 wrote: »

Thanks again

I'm not contacting her only in reply to things about the kids. She would normally initiate contact regarding them. Thing is tho she'll start about them and then sometimes (not always) move onto things like how's apartment hunting going, are your parents still not talking to you etc. Then today she texted me at work about kids first then saying how upset she still is. I said I'm also upset still and she said well too late for that. I know it is but I told i wish she didn't tell me stuff like that as I feel crap every minute of the day and can't sleep but am trying not to reply to her texts or at least give her impression that I don't want to text but afraid she will think I don't care if I don't. I don't know what she is thinking. She's told everyone so I know she wants it over with but why keep up contact apart from kids if she so upset

Help!!

Probably keeping in touch and chit chat because she's lonely and used to your companionship. It sounds like she doesn't want you back though and even though you may have been a bad partner and made mistakes you have to put yourself first now or you'll be stuck in a rut for a long time. Only discuss logistics regarding money and the kids in future and don't veer into anything else. She's not going to think you don't care, don't worry about that.

coolcat63

wrangler wrote: »

Hey

You sound like a caring and compassionate man. I'm sure you have a lot to offer so don't give up.

Marriage is not for a few months or years, it is for life. When two people say "I do" in front of God they better mean it because a marriage is never to be broken. If its not working, you have to figure things out and fix it. Therefore, the first piece of advice I would give is fight for your marriage. Do not give up, for your sake, for the sake of your wife and the sake of your children. Fight for it even if it hurts. Don't even consider another option.

Secondly, as a husband you have duties to fulfill. Your wife needs to be able to rely on you, to feel safe around you. You need to be her rock. She will look to you for leadership in life. If you perceive a weakness in yourself you have to stamp it out for the sake of your marriage. No excuses, it just has to go. Again, key here is hard work and patience.

Talk to her. Tell her you want to change for the better. Tell her you meant "till death do us part" with every fiber of your being. Remember why you fell in love with her. Use this to motivate yourself. You will be doing what is best for your family. Your kids will remember this about you.

In tough times, it is important not to feel isolated. Make sure you get some exposure to other people or your thoughts will drive you insane. Make the effort, even if it means just going for a stroll and smiling at passers by.

It is trials like this that make us who we are. Don't forget that God is there for you. You can read the Bible and it will bring you great comfort. Be strong, I will keep you in my prayers.

This advice is good if your values date from Victorian times and believe in God. Otherwise it's a crock.

OP, have you looked into counselling; either together or on your own?

LegacyUser

Hi op again,

Looking for female response especially but welcome all opinion

So we've been getting on with our lives, still hard but step by step, everytime I take kids she goes out to see friends. That's grand i take them to my place now
She was a couple of hours late last night for them, I told her it not fair on them as they were waiting around and also I had to cancel plans. Ever since I said that she been texting to say sorry I cancelled your plans you obviously have moved on to someone new i want you to be happy but I knew you were seeing someone I not stupid etc. I said it's ok I rearranged etc, non stop this morning saying hope it works out etc. I am also meeting male friends as well as female she said.
Now I know she didn't stay at home Thurs night so my mind started again thinking she was with someone. I didn't accused her of anything
We've both agreed if we start seeing someone else we'd tell each other for the moment anyway. Now I'm not seeing anyone and won't be til I sort myself out be it 6 months or 6 years
My question is why did she get so upset about me having plans and saying all that and why start on about male friends when she never use to say it before.

The Princess Bride

I would say she got upset because she really doesn't want this break up at all.
You mentioned in your first post that she felt if you dealt with your issues, that there was a chance the marriage could be saved. Do you think this is possible?

Nobody gets married thinking you'll be separating in a few years -it's soul destroying -both physically and emotionally draining. It's also very new and very raw for you both right now.

How has counselling been for you?
You need to focus on this, getting yourself back in better physical shape, etc...

About her being late back to collect the children.
If you cannot save this marriage, you'll be looking at many years of either of you calling to the other's home to collect children. Birthday parties, school events etc...
Believe me when I tell you, the easiest way through this is to get on, stop quibbling over teeny tiny details.
Perhaps don't make plans for the evenings you've the children, choose another day instead.
If you cannot agree on this, a mediator would help talk you through what is best for you both.

Reading between the lines, I think she's perhaps reluctant to leave this marriage, hence the self doubt etc. ..
Early days, OP.
How this works out is down to you both -and better communication would help for starters.
Best of luck -I've been there, it's a roller coaster ride.

Colser

She probably doesnt want to split up but realises that she could not continue to live with you. No matter how a relationship ends its a hard pill to swallow when your ex starts to see someone else even if the break up was for the best.
As a woman Im guessing that shes only saying that she wishes you luck ect. so that you will confirm whether or not you are seeing someone. If you text her to confirm that you are not (and dont intend to at the moment) it will ease her fears (if shes hoping that ye will reconcile down the line).
If I was you OP I would text her and say that you still love her ,you are not interested in anyone else,your focus is the children and you hope that the relationship will get back on track.I would then stop any petty texts from there on and show her that you mean what you say by actions not words. Good Luck.

Saipanne

brokenmmarriage07 wrote: »

Hi, this is very raw as only happened this week but have read here before so hopefully can get advice
Married 4 year together 11. Without going into alot of details its mostly my fault I wasn't a good husband. I didn't cheat on her but wasn't good. Of course they used to be good times but alot of fighting especially in front of kids we were both stubborn people and a bit childish truth be told. I have mental health issues which I was addressing but gave up. So I'm looking for somewhere to live as we have separated. She said she's angry and hurt and couldn't take anymore she finally broke and had to split for her and kids sake. I know she's right. I'm miserable without them and know I've messed up. She gives hints that if I sort my issues like affection and generally showed i care then there may be a future down the line but for now she wants to split. I don't want to cling to this hope only to be told in 6 months there's no hope, I'd be hurting all over again
I've booked in with new counsellor next week. My family aren't talking to me and I've no friends anymore. I work mostly on my own so no body to chat even about day to day stuff.
I know it's about keeping this as normal as possible for the kids and really don't enjoy that we must 0ell them this weekend.they picked up on lots of fighting so need to make sure they know there loved. She has a great family and network of friends behind her for support. I know the hardest thing in the world is when she moves on to someone else that will kill me as I'm a jealous type of person and would have accused her before without basis. I also threatened to leave on a few occasions and did walk out but only in temper and always came back. I admire her for being strong enough to leave me. I joined a gym a few months ago as i know a few stone over weight so will keep working on this

I guess my questions are, should I hold onto hope or just let go
How best to move on from it
How to deal with her finding another man if she does
How to keep busy keep my mind off it i don't have any hobby or know of anywhere to start looking good you'd do volunteering or anything just don't know where to start. I'm very shy and nervous type and don't converse very well
How do I let her know how sorry I am without suffocating her
Most importantly how can I make it easier for the kids not to be affected

Thanks in advance

I'd highly recommend www.meetup.com its a free site for people/strangers to meet up and socialise, there's something there for everyone like playing board games or cinema nights, its not just going on the tear.

Hope you find it useful.

LegacyUser

Hi, don't want to re hash old stuff but my wife told me today she's been seeing someone else for last few weeks even though we only finished 3 weeks ago so not sure if they were up to something before. Didn't know it was possible to feel this much pain. She introduced to my kids last night. Think it's a bit soon for that. Don't know what I'm looking for but just devastating news to get when your climbing on to hope. Felt so suicidal today couldn't think straight not even about kids. I know I'll never meet anyone I'm scared of being alone and this is terribly hard at the moment. Can't see how it will be better

Tilly

You need to go see your doctor first thing in the morning and tell him exactly how you're feeling and the kind of thoughts you had today. You need to look out for yourself first and foremost. Hope you feel better soon.

MouseTail

I'm so sorry. That is awful news to hear. You are probably right in your suspicion that it has been going on a while, but that will all come out in the wash. Yes, of course it is too soon to introduce him to your children, they must be reeling and very confused. Perhaps contact Rainbows to get them access to someone to talk to about what they are going through.

As for you... It does get better. I promise you. You will in all likelihood meet someone new, form a new partnership and love again. But in the meantime it is ok to grieve what you have lost. Take care of yourself, surround yourself with supportive family and friends, cry if you need to, eat well even if you don't feel like it, grab fresh air even if you don't feel like it.

dudara

OP, I thoroughly recommend that you speak to a medical professional, or contact one of the counselling organisations listed in the charter. Please speak to someone.

dudara